A Back Talker's Secret

http://www.asianfanfics.com/story/view/44424/a-back-talker-s-secret-dbsk-highschool-jaejoong-superjunior--yunho-yunjae

About: dbsk, highschool, jaejoong, superjunior, , yunho, yunjae

Bleu
Finished on 3/4/2014

Title 1/5–I personally see a small, hint of relevancy from your title to the story. Although I only read the first five chapters, I can't say much, but I really wished you had given us a more clear description of this title in the introductory chapters. I wish your title was something the whole story was based off of, meaning it was there in the beginning, all the way to the middle, and in the end is still there in the ending chapter. I think you had so much more titles though, some that had more potential than this one. I think a title that describes Jaejoong and Yunsu's relationship would be the best. A relationship full of unrequited love, but do they know, the other is actually in love with them? The only way they can express their feelings is be fighting though.

Foreword 9/10–Your foreword is perfect, there isn't any major mistakes at all, I feel like you could add more details to it though. To me, it's really plain, and there aren't much exciting words. Nor does it representing much emotion. Another thing is, your foreword is really unorganized. It feels like you didn't quite understand how the foreword edit thing was layouted. Your description should only be that one paragraph where you explained the story. The rest should be in the author note, same thing for the foreword. I feel like your foreword should give more information about the story, such as an monologue? I noticed that you used “-” instead of “–“, there's nothing wrong with using it, you just don't need to put spaces between that and the two words it's connecting. If you're wondering how to put a longer dash, its CTRL+0150, or CTRL+0151, depending on what size you want. I only know it works for Windows though, not quite sure about Chromebooks or MACS.

❁”Yunho and Jaejoong like each other, but they both don't know the other's feeling for them. The only way that they can express their feeling for the other is by fighting. CONSTANTLY! But what happens when one of them goes to far? What will be the other's reaction? Will things ever be the same again?” should be,”Yunho and Jaejoong both like each other, but they both don't know the other's feeling. In the end, it's nothing but unrequited love to them individually. The only way they are able to express their feeling for the other is by fighting. Fighting constantly that is. But what happens when one of them goes a bit too far? What will the other's reaction be? Will things ever be the same again?”

Plot 13/20–Chapter one really lacked details, there wasn't anything interesting about it at all. It didn't introduce the story, nor did it give much information. It was just one event, and it wasn't really well, important. It didn't reveal anything, just introduced a character. Which was only a minor character. I really don't like how you have chapter, and then there are author notes that are like interferring with the whole chapter sequences. If you plan on having author notes, couldn't you have done it in the story feed instead? I understand if it's like 1-2, but having this many just makes your story look messy and unorganized, and sometimes I get mixed up whether a chapter is a author note or its actually the chapter, since your chapter names are so well, spontaneous. You have too many dialogues in your story, I mean it's really great to have half your chapter to be dialogue, but you don't have any like descriptive paragraphs at all. There are some dialogues that are just super simple, that I think you can just convert them to paragraphs in stead. I mean, I find it really irrelevant for your chapters to be completely fully of dialogue. I personally feel like your plot overall is super weak, there aren't any twists or cliffhangers what so ever, and whenever there is you gave so much foreshadowings that it was super predicatable. I feel like you have a bit too much events, and that you lack description and details, it was almost as if you were rushing, possibly because you haven't posted a chapter in a while? I really wished you had more like, interesting stuff in your story, and your story was really boring, since it was like, all in one atmopshere and tone. No angst, and barely any fluff as well.

Characters 12/20–I feel like Yoochun's character is a bit too, animated, to a matter of fact, he acts like he has a huge crush on Jaejoong, less as a best friend, more of a crush. I think you should tone it down a bit, I mean I understand how excited he is but still. I can't say much about your characters, since they were rather under developed. For me personally I don't see any different between Yunho and Jaejoong, they both act almost the same, athough I feel like Yunho is more popular than Jaejoong. Can't they have more differences, such as personality-wise, or the way they talk? Another thing is, Jaejoong's friends, Yoochun and Junsu are really childish, I mean they are super animated to me, I wish they had like some different feelings they what they appear to have currently. In my opinion, there was absolutely no introductory details about your characters what so ever, you didn't talk about their personality, their hobbies, their physical features, or their background, such as family and past. How about, how did Yunho and Jaejoong meet? Another thing is, how did Jaejoong meet his friends, Yoochun and Junsu? You have so many gaps in the story that I wish you could have filled in, expecially background-wised.

Grammar and Spelling 14/20–You have a tendency of spacing after the first apostrophe during dialogue, you should never do that. It just makes it look messy and unorganized. Remember, when you write/type the first apostrophe of a dialogue sentence, you don't have to put a space before writing the dialogue.You also don't need to put spaces before using a comma, just after a comma. You should tone it down with all the exclamation points and question marks, the more you use the more childish it looks. You also seem to forget to use “who” during the ending part of dialogue. Another thing is, if you have like for example,”She said”, in between the dialogue, don't end it with a period, end it with a comma so you can tell these two sentences were once connected. I noticed that you have a lot of un-needed spaces, such as between commas, semi-colons, apostrophes, and dashes. There is no need for them, expecially before. Another thing I noticed is that in chapter 3, you changed from one text size to another. Which I thought was really confusing as there was such as difference. Another thing I noticed is that you have a lot of spelling errors that were super easy to fix, I don't know if you didn't realize them, or if you were typing so fast you couldn't have noticed it. If you were writing from the New Chapter page itself I would understand, but if you weren't then I would be rather confused. If you were writing from the New Chapter page or another program, if you had spelled something wrong, there should have been an horizonal line underneath it, same thing with the excess spacings.

❁”...screamed Yoochun, obviously exicted at the fact of seeing of his best friend after a really long summer.” should be,”...screamed Yoochun, who was obviously excited at the sight of seeing his best friend after a really long summer.”

❁”...screamed Jaejoong obviously squished by the other.” should be,”...screamed Jaejoong, who was obviously being squished by the other.”

❁”Yah!Jaejoong!!!!!!” someone screamed.” should be,”Yah! Jaejoong!!” someone screamed.”

❁”said the mysterious voice giving Jaejoong no chance to breathe.” should be,”said the mysterious voice who was giving Jaejoong no chance to breathe.”

There were more mistakes, but they were super simple, well even more simple than the four above this, but you know. I thnk you could be able to fix them yourself if you take the time and read your story through carefully.

Flow 13/15–I felt like the flow was rather choppy and slow. You had barely any transitions throughout your story, and I felt like your chapters weren't connected whatsoever. It felt like you were just writing whatever was on your mind that day, and you didn't have a plan really in your head, just ideas. Another thing is, I feel like you didn't have much conflicts in your story so far, and it really lacked excitement to me. I really wasn't that interested at all throughout the story, and I feel like you should speed your story up a little bit more. Expecially with Junsu and Jaejoong's relationship.

Enjoyment 1/5–I personally wasn't a huge fan of this story, it was just too choppy and boring to me. It lacked luster, there was nothing interesting about it, it was like it was a tiny star surrounded by a billion other stars in the night sky. You won't notice it until you look super close at it. That's exactly what this story is like, there's nothing that really entrances the reader at all, no twists, no cliffhangers, everything was really predictable.

Structure 3/5–I don't like how you use a dark blue text color for when someone was thinking, it made your story look really messy, well messier than it already was. I think you should use a light gray instead? And you can remove the italacization as well. There was a time when I think in chapter three, you changed from one text size to another, which I was really confused cause it really obvious cause of the huge size difference. Besides from this, your font type and paragraph length and spacings were perfect the way it is.

Overall 66/100–Your story was really unorganized and I really felt like you just kept listing events that came up to your mind. Without having a plan that was planned earlier. Another thing is, you have a lot of spelling mistakes and excess spacings. Your title isn't quite relevant to your story as well. And your characters really lacked variation and development. In the end, your story overall was really choppy and messy.