Playing With Mr. Player

http://www.asianfanfics.com/story/view/609611/playing-with-mr-player-romance-you-exo-kai-sehun-baekhyun-jongin

About: romance, you, exo, kai, sehun, baekhyun, jongin

Bleu
Finished on 3/9/2014

Title 4/5–I think the title is perfect for this story, but it is rather cliché. I think the title really represents the story, expecially about how Kai is a player. But the word “playing” just doesn't quite seem to fit. Like I think you chose that word just because it's really similar to “player”. Like I don't see much relevance with “playing” to this story.

Foreword 7/10–You should never capitalize the word after a comma, unless it's something that should be capitalized, such as a name, or a title of some sort. Another thing is, you should not put a space right before you use a comma, you don't put a space after or before an apostrophe, nor do you need to put a space before a question mark. Another thing is, in your descriptions, some of your sentences don't make much sense, it's like, really unclear and foggy. I suggest you should change some of the words, remove some, and add some, so that it'll make more sense. I noticed that you used a red and blue font in your description, I feel like the colors you chose makes your foreword look really childish, I think that's because the colors are too neon. I think you should use a more settle looking color. In Kim Ga Eun's character definition, I think it should say O% Dating Experience instead of O% Love Life, cause you mentioned that she has a crush for 7 years, so she has to have some love life experience, cause she's been in love for 7 years. When I think of someone with O% love life experience, it's a person that's never fallen in love before. In your character descriptions, the details are really incomplete. They made be more of a bullet points, but they're still missing a lot of elements. I think you were trying to save space or something, and you removed some of the words. Why would you tell the readers that Oh Sehun would have feelings for Ga Eun eventually? Why couldn't you let the readers find out themselves. About Feline, if she was his ex-girlfriend, what do you mean she got back with him through lying that she was his crush? Do you mean she's not his ex-girlfriend, but they got back together? Or were you supposed to mean, she got together with him by lying that she was his crush?

❁”Kim Jong In , Known as Kai , is the school's biggest player. You , Kim Ga Eun , is a just normal school girl . You had no connections with the school's biggest player. But seeing him break hearts after hearts desired you to see his heart broken.” should be,”Kim Jong In, known as Kai, is the school's biggest player. You, Kim Ga Eun, is just an average school girl. You had no connections with the school's biggest player. But seeing him break hearts after hearts, made you want to see his heart broken for once.”

This paragraph is really misconceiving, and I didn't change the misconceiving parts because I wasn't quite sure what you were trying to go for. First thing, why do you keep putting spaces before a comma, you should never ever do that. Another thing, what do you mean Kim Ga Eun had no connections? You mentioned in the foreword that she lived with Kai himself. And why does Kim Ga Eun want his heart to be broken? I thought she had a crush on him.

❁” How do you feel if you were the one broken hearted ? “ should be,”How would you feel if soemone broke your heart?”

❁”O% Love life , has a crush on Kai ever since 9 ( Grade 3 ), currently living with her step brother, Baekhyun and Kai at Yin's house.” should be,”O% Dating Experience, has a crush on Kai ever since the age of 9 (Grade 3), currently lives with her step brother, Byun Baekhyun, and Kai at Yin's house.”

The reason I changed this sentence was because one, since she's had a crush on Kai since the age of 9, she shouldn't have O% Love Life, since she's been in love for so long. I think it should be Dating Experience instead, cause when I think of someone with O% Love Life, it's someone whose never fallen in love before. Another thing is, you don't need a space after the first comma, and it should be “age of 9” not “ever since 9”, since that doesn't give the readers a clear enough explanation.

❁”Girl magnet, playboy since 14 ( Grade 8 ). Never had his first kiss, currently living with Kim Ga Eun, Byun Baekhyun and his mother.” should be,”Is a major girl magnet, has been a playboy since the age of 14 ( Grade 8 ). Has never had his first kiss, and currently lives with Kim Ga Eun, Byun Baekhyun, and his mother, Yin.”

You simplified this paragraph way too much, I feel like since you couldn't fit the exact paragraph in the formet, you simplified it. You removed a lot of state-of-being verbs, making your sentences, or bullet points seem really incomplete. Another thing is, you should put age of 14, and not just since 14, cause it could be, 14 months, 14 weeks. And you should also tell what his mother's name is, since she is a important factor in the story.

❁”Kai's crazy ex-girlfriend . Apparently got back with him through lying that she was his crush. Jealous of Kim Ga Eun ever since she found that Kai was living with her.” should be,”Kai's crazy ex-girlfriend. Apparently got together with him in the first place through lying that she as his crush. Has been jealous of Kim Ga Eun ever since she found out that Kai was living with her.”

I wasn't quite sure if you meant that she got back together with Kai after they broke up, or that she got together with Kai in the first place by pretending that she was his crush. Another thing is, you forgot a state-of-being verb.

Plot 18/20–I really like how you introduced the story, you gave good information about the main characters, and a few of the antagonists. It was a really good introduction, you didn't immediately start with something out of no where, but you gave the readers time to make some predictions. Another thing is, this chapter had the inciting action, the one piece of event that created the , which in this situation, is when Ga Eun put that letter into Kai's locker. Your foreword really spoiled the story, it gave away so many good cliffhangers and twists, such as when Ga Eun and her step-brother, Byun Baekhyun moved in with Yin and his son Kai, another spoiler is when Feline pretended to be the person who was putting the letters in Kai's locker, and got back together with Kai.

Characters 17/20–You introduced Ga Eun, Kai, and Feline really well. You gave us a quick interpretation of Feline, how she suddenly got dumped by Kai, and she really gave a creepy aura around her. As for Ga Eun, I can't really tell her feelings for Kai, she seems to have some mixed feelings, she has a crush on him, but she is horrified by how poorly he treats women. Kai on the other hand, well, he's a natural player all right, but I think something happened to him to make him like this. What happened to Byun Baekhyun? Was he introducd to the family later on or what? Cause like when Ga Eun moved in with Kai's family, that should mean Byun Baekhyun moved in as well, but there's no signs of him whatsoever, what happened?

Grammar and Spelling 14/20–You should never put spaces before or after you use an apostrophe during dialogue, you should immediately just start with whatever the speaker is speaking, you don't need to start with a space. You should also never put spaces before a comma, I have no idea how you came up with that idea. You capitalize weird words every now and then, such as in chapter one, you kept capitalizing “then” and “and”. Another thing is, when you're writing dialogue, and you're planning on having something like,”He said”, you should never use a period before the last apostrophe then. I feel like you capitalize words based on your opinions, I feel like you're just like “Oh I should capitalize this, oh and this, oh and this too.” Cause you capitalize so many words that just don't need to be capitalized and they have no relationship whatsoever.

In Chapter One...

❁”...across the cafeteria to see Kai , the Famous school player, dumping another poor victim.” should be,”...across the cafeteria to see Kai, the famous school player, dumping yet another poor victim.”

❁”Your POV ( point of view)” should be,”Your POV (point of view)”

❁“No It's me Feline. I just find you too clingy And well, things aren't going well anyway. We need a break.” He replied coolly.” should be,”No, it's me Feline. I just find you too clingy, and well, things haven't been going well anyway. We need to take a break,” He replied nonchalantly.

❁”She burst into tears And tried to grab him Kai's friends, Suho And Kris held her back. Kai Then left the cafeteria with a smug look on his face, leaving the girl trashing around with his friends. Her hair was in a mess and her hair stuck onto her tear stained face . The commotion then started to die down.” should be,”She bursted into tears, and tried to grab him. Kai's friends on the otherhand, Suho and Kris held her back before she could do anything. Kai then left the cafeteria with a smug look on his face, leaving the girl trashing around with his friends. Feline's hair was in a mess, having strands of hair stuck onto her tear stained face. The commotion slowly started to die down, but I don't think anyone could forget this moment.”

❁” Poor girl. She must be having a hard time. “ Ha Rong commented. I nodded as we walked to our Next class.Then I saw him, sitting with his friends, flipping his hair away from his chocolate eyes.” should be,”Poor girl. She must be having a hard time,” Ha Rong commented. I nodded as we walked to our next class. Then I saw him, sitting with his friends, flipping his hair away from his chocolate eyes.”

In Chapter Two...

❁” Is that what you wanna say? If That's all, I'm leaving. “ He answered, uninterested.” should be,”Is that all you needed to say? If that's all, I'm leaving,” He answered, uninterested.”

❁”Yah is He serious? “ should be,”Yah, is he serious?”

❁”I Don't know. “ I mouthed back.” should be,”I don't know,” I mouthed back.”

❁”We could hear his footsteps And we stood up, pretending that we just arrived. He stepped out And looked... at me.” should be,”We could hear his footsteps appraching, and we stood up, pretending that we had just arrived. He stepped out of the story, and looked at me...”

❁”She was clingy,disgustingly rich, Annoying, bratty. Heck she has never eaten at a street stall.” should be,”She was clingy, disgustingly rich, annoying, and bratty. Heck, she has never even eaten at a street stall.”

You have a lot more mistakes, but the mistakes are being repeated constantly over and over, and I don't feel obligated to correct them anymore.

Flow 15/15–The flow is perfect as it is, there's nothing wrong. You clearly understand the freitag curve, or should I say the plot line. You have a perfect expeditory, inciting incident, rising action, , and falling action. You do really good at introducing events, and transitions. You know when to introduce characters, and you describe them perfectly before moving to another character.

Enjoyment 4/5–I had mixed feelings about this story, it was written perfectly, well to my preference, but the story was also rather cliché. I just didn't find anything that really made it well, not mary-sue. Cause this story is really similar to other stories, and I just couldn't find that break-even point.

Structure 4/5–After chapter four, your writing style made a drastic change. Like, everything was different, the way you wrote, the mistakes you made weren't there anymore, well not as visible. And you started adding pictures, and you happened change your font size and type. Your structure is perfect, but I really wish your chapters were possibly more longer? I feel like you could combine some of your chapters together, afterall, each chapter is only one event, and you have many events that could like, comprehend with each other.

Overall 83/100–You have a major tendency of randomly capitalizing words, like, I don't know if you do it like out of a whim, or you've been taught that you should always capitalize these words. But these words have no relevance to each other, so I can't pinpoint it to a specific category. Another thing is, your story is really good, but if only it wasn't so cliché. Lastly, you should never put spaces before commas, before and after apostrophes, and you should learn when you should put a comma before the second apostrophe, and when you should put a period.