Love Should Conquer All

http://www.asianfanfics.com/story/view/177102/love-should-conquer-all-2pm-jaypark-jaysica-jessica-jessicajung-snsd

About: Jessica (SNSD) + Jay Park (2PM), 2pm, jaypark, jaysica, jessica, jessicajung, snsd

Bleu

Finished on  5/2/2014

Title 5/5–I think your title should be “Love Shall Conquer All” instead of “Love Should Conquer All”, theoretically, this is the correct phrasing it should be. The reason it should be shall, is because that's the future tense for will. And it wouldn't make sense if it was “should” cause I believe in your opinion that you think that Love WILL conquer all, meaning it has a 100% chance, while if you use should, it means that it doesn't conquer love currently, but should in the future.

I feel like your title is really relevant to the story. It has numerous appearances in your story, and I really enjoy the title, it's unique, and it's eye-catching. Some examples from the story would be: 1) Although Jay had troubles finding his breakthrough into the entertainment industry in Korea, Jessica and Jay's love conquered it all. 2) Jessica and Jay were heartbroken when they were separated, but did that stop them? No. Love conquered it all.

Foreword 7/10–I don't think you noticed this but, in your description section, after every period you have, you always double-spaced after a period, and it makes the next sentence look a little bit, off-set. I don't think you knew about this, or you did this on purpose–mainly because you had repeated this mistake over and over again in your foreword. Just to make things clear, when you space after a period, it's most common to just have it single-spaced. Some people may say otherwise, but in the most simplified version, it's only single-spaced. Sometimes, people ask for double-spaced, but that's mainly only when you're writing your college admission papers, or anything that is old-fashioned and antique. I would just stick with single-spacing, cause not much people would allow you to have double-spaces.

Another thing I would like to say is that, I really, REALLY, despise the fact that your foreword is, JUST, an author note. There is nothing interesting about the foreword. To me, a description is the factor that draws the readers attention. While the foreword, is the factor that gives the readers the information about the story. Your foreword needs some adjustment here and there, cause personally, your description is fine the way it is. Your description is doing it's job, it's drawing the readers attention to your story.

Some suggestions for your foreword would be to have it as a monologue type? A depressing, suspenseful, piece of literature that makes the reader feel like, “holy crap, what happened in the story?” Another suggestion would be a moment from the story, to me, whenever I have those and I reach the moment in the story, it really makes me feel like “Oooh”, cause I finally understood what that lingering feeling in my head was.

Another thing I would like to say is that your description is a little bit bland. There really isn't anything that really pops out to me. I did say that it was grabbing the readers attention, which it still is doing, I just feel like it's too straightforward. I feel like there could be so much more, excitement, coming out from this description. I think the best way to do it would be to change the words, alter it around, and ignore the whole “subject+verb” format that you learned in elementary/primary school.

I want you to get out of the format you learned when you were a child, and be more innovative. The English language is meant to be broken, it's able to move around, and you can do so much things with it. You don't have to follow what you were taught, you can bend the rules and create your own writing style. Rules were made to be broken. That's your main weak point, I feel like your writing style is just too, abundant. There's nothing that makes it your OWN writing style, but instead, it's the writing style you were taught.

❁”Jay and Jessica have known each other since they were 5 years old.” should be,”Jay and Jessica have not only known each other, but have grown up with each other since before they started school.”

❁”They're completely in love. One can't live without the other and though they could have a better life, the couple can't be happy enough.” should be,”They're completely in love, almost as if they were made for each other. One can not live without the other, and the other can't live vice versa. And although their life isn't perfect, the couple couldn't be happier.

❁”But when Jay enlists in the army he gets an unwanted surprise when S. Korea enters into a war. Jay must leave Jessica and enter the dangers of war.” should be,”All was well, and everybody lived happily in their own lives–but suddenly, when Jay enlists into the army, he gets an unwanted surprise. South Korea had entered into war. Jay now must leave his precious Jessica, and enter, the wonderful danger, that lies in...war.”

Plot 18/20–I feel like this plot really had momentum. Mainly because, I think most of the readers have had a family member that was in the army, military, navy, or anything that would have risked their lives if something were to happen. To me, none of this has happened, but I do understand the pain people feel when their loved ones are in these dangerous situations.

Another thing I would like to say is that you do a very good job at using repetition. Most of the time, people tend to miss-use repetition and makes their story redundant. It really makes your story seem odd and repetitive then. But in your case, you understand what words to be in your repetition, and when to have enough so readers will understand, and not too much that it makes your story sound like a recorder that is caught on loop.

I feel like your plot was a little bit, predictable. I knew that you wouldn't have had Jay died in the end, cause come on, this story was a dedication to their birthdays, it would have been cruel if he died. Another thing is, the idea that Jay was supposedly “close to dying” was not a major factor to me, because after all, it's something really cliché that in almost any story about military and war, this happens all the time. I wonder, could you add some more original twists and still preserve your story?

Characters 17/20–I really don't like how Jay acts in the first chapter, during the time when you're in the “13 year old” phase. He just acts too, innocent. Usually, at the age of 13, they've been exposed to stuff that's mature, and they understand the actions they do can lead people on and stuff. But the way Jay acted when he was “supposedly” 13, really makes me think otherwise. To me, I feel like this should be the “10 year old” not 13. The main reason I think about this is because Jay is just too oblivious. He should know by that age the actions he's doing is a bit too clingy, and he's showing too much affection. Even if he does have a crush on Jessica, that's just too much flirting involved. I think you should either change the age to 10, or tone his actions down a little more.

To me, I felt like you just pretty much threw in the rest of the 2PM members, because, it really seemed obscure and it was really random really. If you were to have 2PM members in there, at least bother to give us some time to let the previous member to seep into our memory instead of throwing a bunch at us.

Lastly, I feel like Jessica and Jay are a bit too much of a “happily ever after” couple. Just their whole relationship prior to the war really. I mean, they met at the age of 5, and ever since then, they had an inseparable relationship, and it really didn't seem like they had any conflicts like disagreement or cheating, or two-timing. Just too happy and unrealistic. Also, the way they met up again, and sending letters, just the whole interactions at the scene of the war was just too light and fluffy.

Grammar and Spelling 16/20–I don't think you noticed this but after every period you have, you always double-spaced after a period, and it makes the next sentence look a little bit, off-set. I don't think you knew about this, or you did this on purpose–mainly because you had repeated this mistake over and over again in your story. Just to make things clear, when you space after a period, it's most common to just have it single-spaced. Some people may say otherwise, but in the most simplified version, it's only single-spaced. Sometimes, people ask for double-spaced, but that's mainly only when you're writing your college admission papers, or anything that is old-fashioned and antique. I would just stick with single-spacing, cause not much people would allow you to have double-spaces.

Your indentation is a little bit odd. For example, after the “13 years old –“ the indentation was off. I feel like you forgot to indent there? Or you meant to do that on purpose, and if so, you need to put an indent there. Another thing is, I'm not a huge fan of the idea of indenting, but it isn't messing with my reading so I'll let it slide. As long as your story keeps the exact same indentation rule, then I won't have anything to complain about.

Chapter One

❁P(aragraph) 1: “5 years old – “should be,”Age: Five Years Old”

❁P(aragraph) 2: “Hey can I borrow a crayon?” Jessica looks up from her pretty drawing of grass into the eyes of a boy with chocolate brown eyes.” should be,”Hey can I borrow a crayon?” Jessica Jung was mesmerized by her drawing of grass that she had not noticed the boy walk up to her. She looked up and then she saw the eyes of a boy, a boy with deep, dark, chocolate brown eyes.”

❁P(aragraph) 3: “She looks at her Crayola box set which contains 64 crayons complete with a crayon sharpener.” should be,”Hesitant, she took a glance at her Crayola box set which contained not only 64 crayons but also a crayon sharpener, and then back to the boy in front of her.”

❁P(aragraph) 4: “No,” Jessica says simply and turns back to her drawing. She decides to put a stick figure on the grass. She looks at it critically once the line is drawn.” should be,”No,” Jessica simply just stabbed him in the chest, and turned back to her drawing. Testing it out, she decided to draw a stick figure on the grass. She looked at it critically once the line was drawn.

❁P(aragraph) 5: “But it’s good to share,” the boy is persistent but Jessica ignores him. She moves over in her seat. Maybe he wants her to catch his cooties. Yes guy cooties.” should be,”But it's good to share,” the boy tried to convince Jessica, but all she did was ignore him. She leaned closer to her drawing, trying to show him that she was busy.”

Chapter Two

❁P(aragraph) 1: “The days were long and strenuous for Jay. Each day would be a new danger. Each day would be a new experience. He would see comrades and friends disappear on missions and never come back. He would see his closest friends die in battle. It was painful and it was traumatic. It was hard for him to sleep at night because his ears were sensitive now.” should be,”The days were long and strenuous for Jay. Each day would bring him new danger. Each day would bring him new experiences. Seeing comrades and friends disappearing day by day, on missions and never coming back. Seeing his closest friends die in battle, right in front of his eyes. It was painful. It was traumatic. It was getting harder for him to sleep at night, especially when his mind was always on Jessica.”

❁P(aragraph) 4: “On the rare nights that Jay could sleep he was always rel-iving horrible memories in nightmares or going through attack tactics.” should be,”On the rare nights that Jay was able to sleep, he was always reliving horrible memories that were hidden in nightmares, or going through attack tactics in his dreams.”

Flow 15/15–The flow of the story is perfect the way it is, I have absolutely nothing to complain about. The only thing I would have preferred it to be is that you gave more details about how Jay asked Jessica out, and about how Jay proposed to Jessica. Besides from this, good job.

Enjoyment 5/5–Your story itself was really good, I really enjoyed it and it really made my day. Although, your story was predictable, and it wasn't the most suspenseful or creative/original. It was still good to be reminded of the ole' classics. Good job :).

Structure 4/5–Besides from the indentation, which I mentioned in the grammar and spelling section, there is nothing else I would really like to change about your story. There are some issues with paragraph spacings, but it doesn't really bother the readers or the way they interpret your story.

Overall 87/100–Your story really made me remember memories that I had though I forgotten. Although your story was rather predictable and a little bit too “happily ever after”, it felt really good to be reminded of the ole' classics. Many people say that every story has to be original or creative, but re-reading something that made you smile in the past really makes you feel happy inside, and it makes you think of how much as gone by.