paperdaisy
❁Crimson Twilight Review Shop❁ {PAUSED/Finishing requests}
Do Me A Favor
About: Hanah(OC), Luhan(EXO), Sehun(EX), fluff, romance, slifeoflife, slightangst
Bleu
Finished on 7/12/2014
Chapters Read /13
Author Note–Hello, this is Bleu also known as iShiroKins, the reason I'm writing an author's note is because I've realized that you must be quite upset of how late this review is. Please be assured that we did not forget you, or was it because we were lazy and didn't want to work on your review. We have exactly all of the requests in order. Although this isn't a proper or acceptable excuse for having a late request, the reasons why we've been so backed up is because of the following...Okay, so in April-May a lot of members went on vacation and so on, and then, when they came back, it was not long for them to have their finals. This really gave us the worse situation ever, I'm sure you guys, as fellow authors, know how hard it is to balance Asianfanfiction and school finals. I do not think this will be a good enough excuse or apology for you to look away from this mess-up, but please know that we had no means of showing disrespect or ignorance to this review.
Title 5/5–Perfect, nothing to argue about it. It's really relevant to the story, and it's also really eye-catching as well.
Foreword 9/10–I feel like your description gave a little bit too much information, it really wasn't necessary of telling what she does to Luhan. I think it would give a lot more suspense if you just scrap it from the description, and let the readers find out as they read. This will also add some twists to the story as well.
The way you wrote your description was way too straightforward, there really is no emotion in it and it doesn't give as much suspense as I would have wanted it to be. It feels like you just simply threw everything you want your readers to know into a single paragraph, without thinking about how it'll transition into the story. I think you need to think more of the formatting and how you want your readers to feel while reading your pieces of literature.
I really love how you formatted this page, it was really neat, and it really led your readers. At first you gave your readers the information–it was really detailed and it made your readers intrigued to your story. Then you gave some foreshadowing, this really made the readers on the edge of their seats. I think your foreword is the strongest point on this page, it just gives this scent of mystery and suspense–which any reader would be intrigued in.
You do a great job at organizing the miscellaneous stuff, such as credits, author note, and etc. It makes it really easy to find out where everything is, and it looks nice as well.
When starting a paragraph with,”This is the story of Hanah”, it's like saying,”One day...”, can't you do better than this? I remember all the time when I was in elementary school I used to write like this, I'm sure you can do a lot better than this. Just because you may be familiar with this, or you're used to it, doesn't mean you have to use it over and over again. Go above your preferences and do something you've never done before, who knows, maybe it would be something a lot better than what you've written.
How come no one doesn't know who Luhan is? Can you give some light onto that confusion? Is it because he's super popular? Or is he infamous? Please make sure you explain this in your story or foreword.
Correction(s)
1) Mistake–“This is the story of Hanah, a girl who has fallen too deep in love. Her best friend Sehun is fully aware that she is head over heels for him, and he takes advantage of her by asking for a favor. Because she doesn't want to disappoint the guy she loves, she blindly agrees. It's not just any favor, though; it is a favor that leads Hanah down a path of deception and lying. It's not until a while later that she realizes exactly what she's doing to Luhan. And how cruel it is. And how much she wishes she was not doing it.”
1) Correction–“Hanah, a girl that has stepped into the trap of love. Her best friend, Sehun, is fully aware that she is head over heels for him. But–unlike in a fairytale–he takes advantages of her feelings by asking for a single favor. Blindly agreeing, Hanah soon strolls down the path of deception and lying. Will doing all of this be worth the love of Sehun? Or would this just shatter the heart of Hanah...and Luhan?
Plot 18/20–In chapter one, you wrote,”feeling a slight tinge of pink begin to grown on her cheeks again.” Why did you use the word again? I don't remember you writing that she was blushing beforehand, did she blush when she saw how handsome Sehun was? If so, please write that down then. Cause it seems rather awkward when you write the word,”again”, when you never mentioned a before.
During chapters two and three, I really think you should have mentioned that Sehun was already going to Sarang High School. I was really confused cause I thought that Sehun was going to be transfer student, I don't know if you did this on purpose. But I really wish you would have at least bothered to tell us it was Sehun, cause that was just way too confusing.
Overall, your story is absolutely perfect. I really love the amount of tension you're building up, there is just so many holes that you need to fill that it's so exciting. I don't know if it's your writing style, but your story just seems so fluent and connected. I can't wait for you to finish this story and fill in all the holes. I'm really intrigued!
Characters 19/20–The explanation of Soomin was a bit too exaggerated. I personally feel like, you really went all-out with trying to represent how Soomin wasn't the prettiest girl in the world. I feel like you should at least remove once of the reasons, it just seems rather unrealistic if you give her so many problems about her appearance.
Perfect, I'm really intrigued by your characters and the personalities are so vivid and essential in your story! I'm really impressed on how you created your characters, there is just so much background information that it's so interesting! Amazing job.
Grammar and Spelling 18/20–You do a great job with dialogue tags and using commas in your dialogue, but you do have some issues as well. Whenever you have a dialogue tag but the dialogue is more of a question, or it has an exclamation mark–make sure to still keep treating it as if it was a comma. For example, if you wrote...”Hey, who are you?” she said.”...the “she” doesn't need to be capitalized. Just because it's a/n question/exclamation mark doesn't mean you treat it different than a comma. So, make sure you don't capitalize the dialogue tag.
Whenever you're writing dialogue, make sure you don't have a space between the first comma and the first set of quotation marks. I just noticed this mistake happening around the second chapter. An example of this mistake would be you writing something like...”Wanting to change the subject, “So, how's the weather?”...” You see that space between the comma and the first set of quotation marks? Yes, there is no need for it. Instead, it should be...”Wanting to change the subject,”So, how's the weather?”...”
I noticed that you really like having “though” as a middle-phrase. For example having a sentence along the lines of,”Coming through was hard and all, though, not as hard as comprehending what I had went through.” Sometimes, having “though” as a middle-phrase isn't the best option to use. It doesn't sound write sometimes, and you should just remove the first comma before it.
Correction(s)
Chapter 1
1) Mistake–“Two boy sneakers stepped into place right next to her bag and she looked up...”
1) Correction–“A pair of sneakers stepped into place right next to her bag, and she looked up...”
2) Mistake–“Oh, really?” She asked, feeling a slight tinge of pink begin to grow on her cheeks again.”
2) Correction–“Oh, really?” she asked, feeling a slight tinge of pink beginning to grow on her cheeks.”
3) Mistake–“...but her heart beat faster at the sound of the his name.”
3) Correction–“...but her heart beat accelerated at the sound of his name.”
4) Mistake–“To be honest, she'd no idea how she...”
4) Correction–“To be honest, she had no idea how she...”
5) Mistake–“The latter's smiled widened once...”
5) Correction–“The latter's smile widened once...”
6) Mistake–“Can you tell me now?” She blurted out randomly...”
6) Correction–“Can you tell me now?” she blurted out randomly...”
Chapter 2
7) Mistake–“Oh, Hanah. You're home!” She muttered something...”
7) Correction–“Oh, Hanah. You're home!” she muttered something..”
8) Mistake–“Of course not. What would I be planning at this time of year?” Her mother replied...”
8) Correction–“Of course not. What would I be planning at this time of year?” her mother replied...”
9) Mistake–“Sehun!” She called out without thinking.”
9) Correction–“Sehun!” she called out without thinking.”
10) Mistake–“What happened in China, anyways?” She mumbled softly.”
10) Correction–“Anyway, what happened in China?” she mumbled softly.”
11) Mistake–“Sehun blinked out of his trance, “Sorry, Hanah. Did you say something?” She waved a dismissive hand at him and forced a smile.”
11) Correction–“Sehun blinked out of his trance,”Sorry, Hanah. Did you say something?” she waved a dismissive hand at him and forced a smile.”
12) Mistake–“...or reply, “Huh? Sorry, did you ask me something?”
12) Correction–“...or reply,”Huh? Sorry did you say something?”
13) Mistake–“...showing off her huge overbite, “I'm Soomin. Nice to meet you.”
13) Correction–“...showing off her huge overbite,”I'm Soomin. Nice to meet you.”
14) Mistake–“...before replying, “Did you want to ask me something?”
14) Correction–“...before replying,”Did you want to ask me something?”
15) Mistake–“...Soomin said, “I forgot to write it down during class.” Hanah fished out...”Hey, did you know we're getting an exchange student?” She asked, obviously...”
15) Correction–“...Soomin said,”I forgot to write it down during class.” Hanah fished out...”Hey, did you know we're getting an exchange student?” she asked, obviously...”
16) Mistake–“Really?” She asked...”
16) Correction–“Really?” she asked...”
17) Mistake–“Yeah, it's a boy from China,” Soomin replied, “You looked in a rush, though, so let's talk another time...”
17) Correction–“Yeah, it's a boy from China,” Soomin replied,”It seems like you're in a rush though, so let's talk another time...”
Chapter 3
18) Mistake–“The weirdest thing about it, though, was the boy's expression.”
18) Correction–“The weirdest thing about it though, was the boy's expression.”
19) Mistake–“Hey, Sehun!” She called...”
19) Correction–“Hey, Sehun!” she called...”
20) Mistake–“Sehun replied, “Is it true...”
20) Correction–“Sehun replied,”Is it true...”
21) Mistake–“Yeah?” She whispered...”
21) Correction–“Yeah?” she whispered...”
22) Mistake–“Will you do me a favor?” He finished.”
22) Correction–“Will you do me a favor?” he finished.”
You have a lot more mistakes, but I find it irrelevant to fix anymore. I think if I keep fixing them, then you won't learn anything at all. If you have any questions on your mistakes or anything, please feel free to ask me. You can write on my wall, private message me, or just write it in the forum of our review shop.
Flow 15/15–Perfect, nothing to argue about. It's exactly right, you know exactly when to bring stuff in and leave stuff out. You know exactly about how to categorize your characters and I'm just amazed by how much your flow is just so perfect.
Enjoyment 5/5–I absolutely love your story! No wonder it's featured! This is probably one of the best stories I've ever read, great job, I'm really looking forward to how you're going to end your story. There are just so many questions that needs to be filled. What's with Luhan and his dad? Who was the kid that Hanah met when she got the concussion? What really happened between Sehun and Luhan? What's wrong with Soomin, I feel like there's something going on with her. What are you going to do about Baekhyun? I have an eerie feeling about how Hanah's mother is going to be later on. What happened to Hanah's father?
Structure 5/5–I'm amazed on how organized you are. You know exactly how to format stuff and there is nothing I can complain about at all! You make my job so easy!
Overall 94/100–No wonder this story is featured! This story is just amazing, the plot and characters are perfect. You write in a way that makes your readers really interested in your story, I'm really impressed by this story. It's probably the best I've ever reviewed so far. I'm really looking forward to your future chapters, please continue!
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