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Mother!
About: mother, action, comedy, infinite, romance, thriller, exo, slighthorror
Bleu
Finished on 7/17/2014
Chapters Read 14/23
Author Note–Hello, this is Bleu also known as iShiroKins, the reason I'm writing an author's note is because I've realized that you must be quite upset of how late this review is. Please be assured that we did not forget you, or was it because we were lazy and didn't want to work on your review. We have exactly all of the requests in order. Although this isn't a proper or acceptable excuse for having a late request, the reasons why we've been so backed up is because of the following...Okay, so in April-May a lot of members went on vacation and so on, and then, when they came back, it was not long for them to have their finals. This really gave us the worse situation ever, I'm sure you guys, as fellow authors, know how hard it is to balance Asianfanfiction and school finals. I do not think this will be a good enough excuse or apology for you to look away from this mess-up, but please know that we had no means of showing disrespect or ignorance to this review.
Title 4/5–The title is perfect the way it is, but I would definitely remove the exclamation mark. The exclamation mark just seems like excess baggage weighing down the title. I think it would be fine if it was just Mother. Nothing else added to it. I think mother is perfect title for the story, since Woohyun's mother is pretty much the main topic of the whole story.
Foreword 7/10–I don't like the quotes you used for your characters. Whenever you use quotes for characters, it's good to have these quotes to some what reveal the character's personality. It must be something that like, seems fitting to only the character. It can't be something that anybody can say, like,”Hey, my name is ___.” or “I think he's weird”. Make it something that can be inspiration or motivational, something that once you read it, you'll have a glimpse of the personality of the character. The characters' quotes that I think you should focus on/rework on more is the following. Nam Woohyun, the quote doesn't really show much about him, I would like something a little bit more unique. Choi Sulli, I guess you wanted to express to your readers that's she's sort of one of those preppy girls, but the quote itself really don't give much of an impact. Hwangbo, the quote just seems way too casual for me, it's like you couldn't find anything and you just wanted to wing it. The rest of the characters are fine the way it is.
I don't like how you simply just told your readers what was going on with Woohyun, it's like, you're just sprouting out information without any translations or anything. I really felt like, if you had added maybe some different types of literary skills, or maybe changed the atmosphere of your writing, it would have been a lot more interesting. Such as adding similes, metaphors, alliteration, personification, and hyperbole.
I really like that last sentence you wrote. “Where is my mom?” It really adds the suspense it needed for your story. I enjoy how you gave information that wasn't too much or too little, it really helps your reader into focusing more on the main topic of what happened to Woohyun's mother than worry on something else like, what happened.
How is Woohyun normal? How is he living a normal life? He is absolutely not normal from what I've read. You mentioned that his father was a fugitive, and his mother was literally like a slave. How can you possibly call that normal? I don't think the phrase of him having a normal life really matches his background. A normal life would be like having, decent looks, a mother and father supporting him, and a few friends behind his back. A normal life isn't having to stress everyday about whether or not you have enough money to buy food, to keep your house, etc. I absolutely don't think Woohyun is normal, I think you should re-look at that comparison.
Correction(s)
1) Mistake–“Woohyun is a normal guy with a boring life just like everyone else. The thing that is not so normal about him is his fugitive father who ran away with all the money they had and never returned. And because of that, Woohyun's mother has to work like a slave to give him food and a warm house. He hates his father and his relationship with his mother isn't that comfortable either. His life was simply going on as a normal life, but in a certain day, something happened that changed that...”
1) Correction–“A normal guy. What would we describe that? Someone with a boring life just like everyone else. That was what everybody perceived Woohyun as, but who knew that could be so so wrong. Who knew that a simple-looking guy would have a background that only seemed possible in stories. Woohyun was the child of a fugitive father–who ran away with all their money, and never returned. Not only did they break his mother's heart, it also ruined her soul. Woohyun's mother had to work like a slave to barely raise enough money to give him food and a warm house. He hated his father, and his relationship with his mother isn't that comfortable either. His life was already worse enough, but in a certain day, something had added upon the abnormal things in Woohyun's life.”
Plot 14/20–I feel like your plot is really lost. There really isn't a proper plot line in your story. There isn't one single thing that's driving your story, there's just so many different directions possible that it's rather confusing. It's like you weren't sure how to exactly bring in Woohyun's mother, and you just threw in a lot of extra baggage. I think especially for your introduction, I feel really lost. There really isn't any build up to the whole mother action. There is just so much excess information given that it's rather confusing. I thought that your story was supposed to be based only on the mother's disappearance, but there was just like, these excess information in the beginning.
Characters 17/20–You mentioned that Woohyun's father left with all their savings, and her mother has to literally sell her soul away to raise enough money for just food and a house in the foreword right? That is clearly not expressed in your story that well. You don't write in a way that makes the readers feel like Woohyun's family is poor or anything. You write as if there was nothing wrong with Woohyun's family, which is clearly wrong. I really feel like you literally threw away the idea of how their family barely has any money to waste. I think you should really improve on how you're making this realistic. There are no examples that Woohyun's family is stressing with money, Woohyun acts as if he has an unlimited supply of money, and he has no worry of making sure he's not wasting money. He asks for food as if it's always going to be there. I really feel like you should re-think on how you're portraying Woohyun's family. Remember that you yourself created the idea of Woohyun's father leaving them with all their money, and how his mother has to go to work 24/7 just to raise enough money for the necessities.
Grammar and Spelling 15/20–Remember to always have an ending punctuation for your dialogue. I see multiple times where you don't even bother having a comma or period before the last set of quotation marks. I think you should really work on punctuating your dialogue or else it'll look sloppy and your readers might mistaken it for a phrase instead.
You should focus on avoiding run-on sentences. Run-on sentences are sentences that just seem to never stop, there are many topics in this sentence, but there is nothing causing a break in them. A trick I use to figure out whether or not a sentence is run-on or not is by simply reading it out loud. If you feel like you've been reading/talking for quite a while, and there has been no stops or pauses, then that's a run-on sentence. To fix a run-on sentence is quite easy. You could either add a comma-splice, and/but, hyphens, parentheses, ellipses, semi-colons, colons, etc.
Whenever you have a dialogue tag at the end of your dialogue, you should never have your dialogue ending with a period. It can end up with a comma, exclamation mark, or question mark, but not with a period. This is really important, since it can make your story very grammatically incorrect.
Make sure to not over-use exclamation and question marks. Having just one is fine, if you really want to emphasize it, there is absolutely no need to add more marks. Having too much of these marks makes your story look really childish, and it doesn't have an emphasize at all.
Correction(s)
Chapter 1
1) Mistake–“The alarm buzzed again and Woohyun groaned when he saw it was already 6:00am and he had to get up and get ready for school.”
1) Correction–“The alarm kept buzzing non-stop. Woohyun groaned as he woke up with annoyance, noticing that it was already 6AM, he knew he had to get up and get ready for school.”
2) Mistake–“Aish! I really hate waking up early” he complained...”
2) Correction–“Aish! I really hate waking up early,” he complained...”
3) Mistake–“Hy-Hyung can we go now... I think we're going to be late” Myungsoo...”
3) Correction–“Hy-Hyung can we go now...I think we're going to be late,” Myungsoo...”
4) Mistake–“Why are you grinning? Nothing's funny right now! If you're laughing at my puffy face I know, I didn't sleep well last night, okay” Woohyun said...”
4) Correction–“Why are you grinning? Nothing's funny right now! If you're laughing at my puffy face I know, I didn't really sleep well last night, okay?” Woohyun said...”
5) Mistake–“Nothing, let's go” Woohyun said...”
5) Correction–“Nothing, let's go,” Woohyun said...”
Chapter 2
1) Mistake–“...She's going to kill us” Myungsoo gulped.”
1) Correction–“...She's going to kill us,” Myungsoo gulped.”
2) Mistake–“His Heart was going to outburst out his chest at any moment, but his face was stayed the same...”
2) Correction–“His heart was going to burst out of his chest at any moment, but his face stayed the same...”
3) Mistake–“...don't speak to each other” Woohyun replied...”
3) Correction–“...don't speak to each other,” Woohyun replied...”
4) Mistake–“...on me?” He joked.”
4) Correction–“...on me?” he joked.”
Chapter 3
1) Mistake–“...something important” Myungsoo informed...”
1) Correction–“...something important,” Myungsoo informed...”
2) Mistake–“Hurry up” he shortly...”
2) Correction–“Hurry up,” he shortly...”
Flow 12/15–I'm kind of lost with your flow. You really got off topic with the whole mother issue. There isn't anything that's like, keeping your story on topic. It's as if you got lost on how you want to bring in the problem and etc.
Enjoyment 2/5–Your story was rather confusing to me, there really wasn't a single point in your story that really got me hooked onto it. It was just so much build-up and so many different directions that I really couldn't find that one inciting incident to the mother. I really wish there was some more organization.
Structure 4/5–Please remember that you must start a new paragraph every time you have a new speaker. It doens't look good when you have a paragraph with more than one speaker does it? It makes your readers confused on who is talking, and it distracts them from what they should be comprehending. Make sure that you understand when to start a new paragraph, and how to break paragraphs. Remember to always make a new paragraph for, a new speaker, new time, new setting, dramatic effect, etc.
Overall 75/100–Overall, I feel like this story was really lost. It was going really off topic in the first 8 chapters, and I really couldn't feel that inciting incident where the problem really came. I think you should look back at your story and re-organize it. There really isn't that much organization since there is not really a single plot going on. Also, I don't really see the personality of Woohyun that much. From how you explained it in the foreword, he should be starving for money. I mean, but the way he acts as if he thinks that he has all the money in the world. Also, I really don't see the personality differences between Woohyun, Kai, and Myungsoo. There really isn't any differences, no variety.
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