Peter Pan

http://www.asianfanfics.com/story/view/527921/peter-pan-romance-you-exo-baekhyun

About: romance, you, oc, exo, baekhyun

Bleu
Finished on 2/28/2014

Title 4/5–Your title is pretty much the main center in the whole story, you keep your ideals stern, and you don't go off topic at all. But the thing is, this title is really cliché, it's not certainly cliché, but it's overused a lot. Almost 50 fanfictions have the same name, and one of my reviewers have reviewed a story with the same title. I feel like, just because it's a song Exo has sang, a lot of people use it. Instead of Peter Pan, I think you could use something else that's similar. Such as Neverland.

Foreword 8/10–Personally, the way you chose to write your foreword format, makes it seem like you have barely any description at all. The reason why is because your spacing is too small, I think you should use double spacing instead. Another thing is, I suggest having a bigger text, or font. Cause all I see is like 1/8th of the page containing information, while the rest is just well, “accessories”. I don't like how your foreword is an author note, there is a reason why there's an author note section when you're writing a sectoin. I suggest either splitting your description in two and adding some extra details, or have a monologue in your foreword instead. In your description, I noticed that you started two sentences with “because”, situationally, there's nothing wrong with doing that. Because is a conjunction/preposition, meaning because should be used to either connect actions, an instance of two or more events or things occuring at the same point in time or space, or it should be preceding a noun or pronoun and expressing a relation to another word or element in the same cause. But in your case, you had none of them, it's as if you put because there for no reason what so ever. Or you were intending to add a secondary cause but you forgot. Another thing is, in writing, three is considered a magic number you know? It is not too much, nor is it too little. That's why whenever you decide to add periods alliterately, you should always use three.

❁”Because he is my Peter Pan..

And I am his Tinkerbell..

Because no matter how much I love him..

When his Wendy come, I must take my step back..

And watching his happy self from afar..” should be,

“He is my Peter Pan...

And I am his Tinkerbell...

No matter how much I love him...

Once his Wendy appears, I have no choice but to take a step back...

And watch his happy self, from afar...”

The reason I had decided to change this paragraph, well, it was already explained in the main section of the foreword, so I won't go into much detail. Number three is a magic number, always use three periods alliterately. Another thing is, never use because if you don't have a secondary cause by it. Lastly, you used the wrong tense for “watch” at the last sentence.

Plot 15/20–I really like how you introduced the story, it really caught my attention, and it gave really good foreshadowing. Although I feel like the foreshadowing is too vague, since it's rather straightforward, it still gave a really good interpretation of the story. Another thing is, When Aeri asked Hyemi to be her only bridesmaid, usually there are more than one bridesmaid at a wedding, unless you meant the maid in honor, which is just ONE person. The way you introduced the symbolism, Neverland, was really weak. I felt like, it lacked a strong sense of moral, it sounded more cliché to me. I feel like you could have a deeper moral for this symbolism. There are just way too many flashbacks! It should be more about the present! Not the past! Having flashbacks is good, but having too much can just be hazardous, it's like you're completely throwing away the freitag curve it self.

Characters 14/20–In chapter one, when Aeri was persuading Hyemi to be a bridesmide at her wedding, her character was a little bit mary-sue, but also a bit natural. I personally can imagine a girl acting like that, but for a person that's getting married soon, she should be under a lot of stress, so it's rather unbelieveable for someone to be acting so care-free. I personally feel like there aren't much character development at all. Hyemi to me is pretty much an average girl, not much interest at all. I feel like all of your characters are pretty much the same, they don't have any major differences, and Baekhyun expecially, he should be one of the protagonists, but you treat him as nothing more than a minor character.

Grammar and Spelling 15/20–In chapter one, when Aeri was persuading Hyemi, the massive sentences where she was talking, was rather overwhelming. Could you try splitting the sentences up a bit? When I was reading it, I felt that it was really a lot of things going on at once. There was just too much sentences, and emotions going on. I noticed that you always use two periods consecutively, but three is a magic number like I explained in the foreword, you must always use three periods consecutively, no excuses at all. You also have a tendency of using the wrong tense and ending. Like sometimes you use -ing, when there was no purpose for it, and another time you just used a past tense when it should have been present, or vice versa. There are times where you changed point of views, at first sight I thought it was Hyemi's point of view, but for example, in chapter three, you started talking in more of a narrator point of view. Lastly, you have a tendency of splitting a pair of cause into two sentences. A secondary and primary cause should always be together, unless it's absolutely necessary.

In Chapter One...

❁”'But you're my best friend! Even you are Baekhyun's best friend as well! How come you just come to my wedding as a mere guest? I don't want anyone as my bridesmaid but you.. Please, Hyemi? Please please please? With cherry on top?' , Aeri - my best friend - batting her eyelashes, while swinging my hand childishly.” should be,”'But you're my best friend! You're also Baekhyun's best friend as well! How come you're only going to come to my wedding as a mere guest? I don't want anyone as my bridesmaid but you...please, Hyemi? Please please please? With a cherry on top?', Aeri–my best friend–batting her eyelashes, while swinging my hand childishly.”
 

The reason I had decided to change this paragraph was because you misused some terms. Such as “even”. When you're supposed to use even, you should always use it when you're comparing and contrasting. Another thing is, like always, you should always use three periods consecutively. In the last sentence, you had some weird symbols, the dashes were spaced unevenly, and it was rather weird.

❁”I will get everything ready for you! You don't have to do anything else beside to show up at my wedding. Oh, I need you to attend the rehearsal though. But it shouldn't be bothersome since I've planned it to be done at weekend. How about it?” still with her puppy eyes and my hands in hers, Aeri tried to persuade me.” should be,”I will get everything ready for you! You don't have to do anything else beside from showing up at my wedding. Oh, and I need you to attend the rehearsal though. It shouldn't be that bothersome though, since I've planned it to be rehearsed on the weekend. How about?”still with her puppy eyes and my hands in hers, Aeri tried to persuade me.”

The reason I had decided to change this paragraph was because you had used the wrong tenses and endings, such as -ing. And there was a time where you had forgotten to put a subject or verb, also, you use rather boring verbs, since there isn't much different, I suggest having more synomyns.

❁”I heaved another heavy sigh. Little did she knows why I don't want to be her bridesmaid. The reason why I don't want to be her bridesmaid is not because I'm busy. Not because it's troublesome either. But because it breaks my heart. Because I fall in love with Baekhyun. Her fiance.” should be,”I heaved another heavy sigh. Little did she know why I didn't want to be her bridesmaid. The reason why I didn't want to be her bridesmaid isn't because I'm busy, nor is it because it's troublesome either. Instead, it's because it breaks my heart. After all, I'm in love with Baekhyun. Her fiance.”

The reason I had decided to change this paragraph was because there was a lot of things that didn't sound right. First thing is, you added an -s to “know” when there was absolutely no reason for there to be one. Another thing is, there are times when you accidently split a cause into two, which was really rather awkward. Remember, the primary and secondary cause must always be together unless in special terms.

In Chapter Three...

❁”Here I am, at Neverland. The playground in front of my school back in our elementary days. It was Baekhyun that give that name. Arriving much earlier than Baekhyun, I saw myself on one of the swings. Swinging myself back and forth, I noticed how my foot easily touch the ground as I swing, now that I am much taller than my younger self.” should be,”Here I am, back at Neverland. Or which most people would call it, a playground, which was in front of my elementary school days. It was Baekhyun himself that gave this playground it's name. Having arrived much earlier than Baekhyun, I found myself on one of the swings. Swinging myself back and forth, I noticed how my foot easily touched the ground, realizing how much taller I am compared to my younger self.”

❁”Darkness greet me when I pushed the auditorium door open. No wonder. It was school holiday. Walking through the aisle, I noticed that there's not much things change from a long time ago. This place is well-kept. There's not a spot of dust here and there.” should be,”Darkness greeted me when I pushed the auditorium door open. No wonder, it was a school holiday after all. As I walked through the aisle, I noticed that not much things have changed from the past. This place was well-kept, and there wasn't a spot of dust at all.

Flow 12/15–I personally don't see much transition in your story, it's almost as if, each chapter is independent. They don't have like certain comprehension with the chapter before it. Meaning, every chapter pretty much has a cliffhanger. The chapter should pick up the chapter before it, but in your case, that just doesn't have it. Another thing is, I feel like because your story has so much flashbacks, it doesn't have any build up to the conclusion itself. There is nothing that builds up to it, no major events, just flashbacks that give foreshadowing.

Enjoyment 3/5–I wasn't quite a big fan of your story, but it wasn't that bad at all. It has a lot of potential to me, the moral isn't that bad, just a bit weak. Your story doesn't have much character development though, nor does have much devolopment to the conclusion. I feel like you could have done so much better, the story line was really interesting, and the way you introduced the story had entranced me.

Structure 3/5–I feel like your paragraph lengths are too short, expecially chapter two, there was barely any information at all. Just one scene, and it wasn't a really long one either, it was more a moment that barely had any details. I feel like it's possible for you to merge a few chapters together, as long as these chapters could comprehend together. In some chapters,I feel like some of your paragraphs had less spacing than the others, did you like copy and paste it from another program? It's like, one sentence was squished together, was the other one was spaced out. When you talked about the past, you shoud have it a lighter gray color, because you already had the texting italacized.

Overall 74/100–Your story has a lot of potential I feel, you just lack a lot of character development. Another thing is, your story is too independent, your chapters don't pick up where the last chapter did. You don't have a lot of transitions either, and you don't have any major events that build up to the conclusion. Your grammar and spelling was a little edgy, you had some mistakes that you kept repeating over and over again. Lastly, I feel like some of your paragraphs was rather squished together, did you happen to copy and paste it from another program?