I Realized that I Love Her

http://www.asianfanfics.com/story/view/46797/i-realized-that-i-love-her-chunji-hoya-infinite-romance-you

About: chungi, hoya, infinite, romance, you

Bleu
Finished on 2/24/2014

Title 2/5–Your title has a lot of signs of misconception. First thing is, you should capitalize “that” since it is a rather important word play in your title. The only times where you shouldn't capitalize anything is when it's like “A” or something that is important. Lastly, should this be “I Realized That I Love Him”, since afterall, Hoya fell in love with Yojeong first right? It doesn't seem quite right to have your title being Hoya to Yojeong. It should be Yojeong to Hoya. After all, this story is about Yojeong going a journey which ends up her realizing she's in love with Hoya. Not Hoya ends up falling in love with Yojeong. Cause after all, Hoya started off with unrequited love.

Foreword 5/10– Your foreword is rather, unorganized. I think you should have the actual plot description the first thing the readers read, The characters should be second, and your author note plus the author, genre, date started, and date ended should be last. It would make more sense since afterall, the foreword is meant to mainly give us readers foreshadowing and information. Your plot and characters should be your main priority, so I don't like how you had the author note's in the beginning. In your foreword, you tend to forget the state-of-being verbs here and there, and it feels like you keep changing the perspective, it feels like there is more than one narrator talking at one time. I think this is because some of your tenses are wrong. I feel like in your characters, you should focus mainly on the most important characters, the protagonist and antagonist. In your case, that would be Shin Yojeong, Shim Yejun, Lee Howon, and Kim Yuuki. The other characters should gradually be introduced in the story. Also, I want you to expand the main characters description more, since it feels like the description you currently have is really light, there isn't anything spontaneous about it. Lastly, the way you describe some of characters is rather cliché, all of them seem to have perfect personalities, there aren't much flaws whatsoever.

❁”Your parents and his parents are best friends.

But their kids are archenemies.

There's no day that the two of them won't fight.

But the guy is secretly in love with her. And he's head over heels on her.

But the girl doesn't know or felt anything, 'yet'.

Will she also fell in love with her archenemy?” should be,

”Your parents and his parents are best friends.

But their kids are archenemies.

There is not one day that the two of them aren't fighting.

But the guy is not only head over heels with her, he is also secretly in love.

The girl on the other hand, doesn't know, or feel anything, well “yet”.

Will you also end up falling in love with her archenemy?”

The reason I had decided to change this paragraph was because you were talking from two different perspectives, you started it with “Your parents” meaning you're talking to Yojeong herself. But then you went to “Will she” meaning you're talking to more of an audience style. So you can see how you ended up changing perspectives in the end. Another thing is, I don't really like how you used the repetition with “But” I feel like it would some a lot better with some compare and constrast. Lastly, you had some times where you used the wrong tense, for example the last sentence. She hasn't fallen in love with her archenemy yet, which you inferred the first time.

❁”A senior at Seoul High School and a student body President, a beautiful, smart, bubbly, happy, and kind girl, loved by everyone. Who loves pink things, cats and loves naming her things. Love his step brother so much, since she wants a dongsaeng. Who hates a name named: Lee Howon.” should be,” A senior at Seoul High School, she is also the student body president. A beautiful, smart, bubbly, happy, and kind girl, who is also loved by everyone. She loves pink things, cats, and loves naming her things. She loves her step brother a lot, since she always wanted a dongsaeng. She hates a person named: Lee Howon.”

The reason I had decided to change this paragraph was because you had some grammar mistakes. First, you should use “The” instead of “A” for a student body president, and it doesn't need to be capitalized. You also kept forgetting to put in the subject, I understood what you were trying to go for, but you kinda forgot the subject a lot of times. Also, I don't think you noticed but you wrote “Love his step brother”, meaning Yojeong was a boy. And I don't think you meant that she hated the name, and the name had a name.

❁”Yojeong's step brother loves his noona with all his heart, popular to his school, kind, caring and loving boy to his families and friends. And, he knows Hoya's secrets.” should be,”Yojeong's step brother. He loves his noona with all his heart. He's popular at school, he's also kind, caring, and a loving boy to both his family and friends. He also knows Hoya's secret”

The reason I had decided to change this paragraph was because this was rather, well, it was sorta a run-off sentence. First thing is, you connected too many sentences together, also, I don't think it's possible to be popular TO his school. Another thing is, when you said “families”, you pretty much inferred that he had more than one family. Another thing is, lastly, does Hoya have more than one secret? Cause I'm assuming that secret is that he is in love with Yojeong.

❁”A senior at Seoul High School. One of the handsome kingka in a group called, Infinite. Loves dancing and rapping so much, it's his passion. He, who always teased you, bullied you and starts a fight on you. He hates you and he's cold to you. But deep inside he has “something” else for you.” should be,”A senior at Seoul High School. He is one of the handsome kingka that's in a group called, Infinite. He loves dancing and rapping with a deep passion. He, who always teased Yojeong, bullied her and started a fight with her constantly. He hates Yojeong and he's cold to her nonstop. But deep inside, he has “something” for you.”

The reason I had decided to change this paragraph was mainly because, who is this “You”?! You're supposed to be talking to the audience, not to Yojeong. You did the same thing in your plot, and you keep changing the perspective here and there. Sometimes you direct it to the audience, which you should, and another time you direct it to Yojeong. Another thing is, you tend to keep forgetting the state-of-being verb, and the subject in each sentence.

Plot 16/20–You started off chapter one saying how her mom is happy that Yojeong is getting along with her new appa and dongseang. I don't remember you mentioning anything about her mother remarrying, and moving in with a new family. It just pretty much flew out of no where. Could you possibly give more detail about it? Possibly in the foreword? I personally don't like how you told the story pretty much talking in a perspective that you're talking to Yojeong herself. I think it would sound a lot much better if you used like,”Her”, “Yojeong” etc, but then again the main character is meant to be the reader itself. You should somewhere tell in an author note what “appa” “dongsaeng” etc, means. Afterall, there are some ignorant people who don't bother to search but it means. I don't really see much excitement in your story really, cause to me, it's just a cliché story with a plot similar to others, with mary-sue characters though. There aren't really much twists and cliffhangers, and it lacks excitement pretty much altogether.

Characters 14/20–The way you described your characters in the foreword was way too mary-sue. You made it seem like Yojeong was pretty much a perfect girl, she had no flaws what so ever. I mean she's pretty much down-to-earth, she's beautiful, smart, bubbly, and loved by everyone. Oh and she's the student body president. You did the same thing with Yejun as well. During Chapters one and two, I assume Yojeong and Hoya were around 9-10, since in Chapter three you said 8 years later from that time, and they're both seniors meaning they're probably 18 years old. The way they were acting in chapter one and two then, it is really unlikely a 9-10 year old still acts so well, childish.

Grammar and Spelling 15/20–You have a lot of run-off sentences throughout you story. A trick to find out whether you're writing a run-off sentence or not is by simply reading it out loud. If you feel like you're talking a lot and there hasn't been any significant pauses, then that is clearly a run-off sentence. You tend to switch perspectives sometimes, you are talking in the “you” perspective, meaning you're technically talking to Yojeong herself. But sometimes you end up talking using “She” “Her”, which kinda just throws away the whole you perspective. I really feel like your writing is really well, boring. Cause you overuse the same verbs, “grabbed”, “reached” what's so interesting about it?

❁”You are playing happily with your step-father and your younger step brother at the living room. You laughed and giggled with them. Your mom took a glance at you three her day became brighter when she sees you are getting along with your new appa and dongsaeng. She came out from the kitchen with Kimchi on her hands then placed it on the table.” should be,”You are playing happily with your step-father, and your younger step-brother at the living room. You laughed and giggled with them. Your mom took a glance at you three, her day immediately became brighter when she saw how well you were getting along with your new appa and dongsaeng. She came out from the kitchen with kimchi in her hands, and then placed it on the table.”

The reason I had decided to change this paragraph was mainly because it was a major run-off paragraph. You barely had any pauses in this whole paragraph. Another thing is, kimchi shouldn't be capitalized, it isn't something imporant, nor does it have anything significant about it that makes it capitalized. Another thing is, you said the kimchi was on her hand, but that sorta infers that the kimchi was litterally on her hands without any plating etc.

Flow 11/15–I was rather confused at first, mainly because I wasn't told ahead of time that you were going to be talking about in the past at the beginning. When I first started, I thought to my self, what's going on? I thought Hoya was already familiar with Yojeong. Why is Yojeong acting so childish? But then I slowly realized you were talking about the past. You should really give some warnings that you're talking about the past. Possibly make the text a light gray? Besides from that, your story is perfectly at flow. But the thing is, I wish you gave us readers a warning that Yojeong had a step brother and father, mainly because you pretty much started the story with a moment like that, it just came out of no where pretty much.

Enjoyment 3/5–This story was rather neutral to me. It was a mix of everything really. You tend to switch perspectives here and there, and it kinda just got me confused. And like, your story was a mix of cliché and mary-sue. Your story was rather cliché with a plot that almost everyone has though of. The characters were super mary-sue, they were pretty much perfect. They don't have any flaws what so ever.

Structure 4/5–Your structure is fine the way it is, nothing to complain about. The only thing I wish you would have done for the first two chapters was make the text a light gray. I was super confused on what was going on, I mean, the characters act so childish. It wasn't until chapter three that I noticed that you were talking about the past. Your paragraph spacings and length are perfect the way it is. Same thing with your font style, color, size.

Overall 70/100–Your story is a mixture of cliché and mary-sue. It has a plot that pretty much everyone has thought up of, and the characters are pretty much perfect. Another thing is, you have a lot of run-off sentences. And your first two chapters are rather confusing, cause you gave no early warning about you talking about the past. Another thing is, your foreword and title gave a lot of misconceptions. 

A/N–Sorry that this review is super late! Some of our reviewers had a whole week long break for President's Day, so they wen't on a break. During that break though their internet was terrible, so since they couldn't do their reviews, I couldn't publish mine. So super sorry for this late review! >-<