Queen Me
http://www.asianfanfics.com/story/view/675774/queen-me-romance-you-bap-youngjae

About: Youngjae(BAP)+OC, romance, college, angst, love triangles, drama

Ahri
Finished 6/12/14

Title: 2/5 The meaning of your title didn't come in until chapter five, and that's a bit too late. I mean, it could still work, if you play your cards right, but it's better if you have the book come in at chapter one. Either way, you still don't actually explain the meaning of your title; I don't know if you explain the real meaning later one, but you need to do this earlier. Just because it's the title of a book in your story doesn't mean the readers will understand the meaning as well. You need to explain why is the title of the book EunHye is reading called Queen Me? How does that title relate to the book? After you explain that, then it would be easier to understand how it relates to your story. Your title is kinda unique since it doesn't really have anything to do with your story and is more of a symbol, but the meaning is left out of the story.

Foreword: 9/10 In your description, the second sentence is in past tense. Since it's your foreword, it should be in present tense unless you're talking about something that happened before the timeline your story is in, but if that's the case, then the first sentence should also be in past tense.

Overall, the spelling and most of the grammar is perfect, but I think questions in forewords don't look good, unless they're quotes. Since I grade more on grammar and spelling, I don't take points off for this, but I'm pointing this out. Of course, it's more of a personal preference, so you can ignore this paragraph, but I know that the books that are bestselling (in the adult section, not teens) do not have any questions. For example, one book's description ended with "The shocking facts of Alice's life test the limits of Julia's faith and strength, even as she struggles to make a home for Alice- and for herself." (Magic Hour by Kristin Hannah) You can see how the hyphen at the end emphasizes the sentence and how this description tells what will happen in the story without any direct questions like "What is Alice's true identity? Will Julia save her?" These questions are always answered in the story, so the readers don't even have to ask. Even if the answer is "no, Alice is not saved" it's still an answer. In the real description of the book, see how the example questions I gave is put in discreetly?

Sorry for the super long explanation on questions, but if you're wondering on how to fix it, you can do "With all the mixed feelings he's had, Youngjae finds himself coming to a realization that maybe what he has been yearning for isn't what he really needs."

Plot: 16/20 At first, I thought your plot was going to be focused on a cliché path, but you included a lot of conflicts and characters to balance it out. The thing is that you are too focused on a loveline. You try to include other side-pairings to balance out Youngjae and EunHye's, but you shouldn't spend so much time on a loveline and instead, add in other events like drama, outside conflicts (EunHye vs her stepsister or something), or just a plain everday event that doesn't have anything to do with the loveline unless Youngjae interferes later on or something. Either way, include another conflict. Don't focus solely on your characters.

The mood is not really present in your story, but it's the hardest thing to do in a story, for most people, so I won't take points off for that, but I'm going you that if you want to improve your story, give a wintry or autumn-like mood to make your story stand out more. It will really make your tone down your conflicts and be like a drink to the meal; the meal being your story.

Characters: 17/20 I'll start with the earlier chapters in this category. I absolutely love how you have so many characters, yet you manage to introduce all of them in an orderly manner and introduce the drama and love triangles in this story without rushing anything. You clearly show us the conflicts without actually stating it. First of all, I think some of your characters need more diversity because the lovelines seem pretty much the same. Youngjae likes Seojin who doesn't like him back. EunHye likes Youngjae who doesn't like her back. Eunri likes Daehyun who doesn't like her back. I feel like Youngjae and Daehyun act pretty similar. You should try to focus on giving Daehyun a different personality and have his relationship with EunHye differ from Youngjae's because they both act pretty similarily except Youngjae gets to kiss EunHye.

Grammar and Spelling: 15/20 You have a few moments where you switch from present to past tense, but that is usually only one word at a time. You have one or two run-on sentences in each chapter, which is not a big deal.

You have a few moments where you would write a sentence like "She nodded agreeing with him." You should have a comma between "nodded" and "agreeing" since they are two verbs but of different tenses.

I can kind of see that you don't understand completely which verbs should be conjugated since sometimes you would write "he gave a low scoffed" which should not be conjugated because in this case, "scoff" is a noun.

Chapter one, P(aragraph)2 "...shyly stated as he slightly blush." should be '...shyly stated as he slightly blushed.'

Chapter two, P1 "...looked out the window and made a deep sigh." should be '...looked out the window and sighed deeply.'
2. P3 "...which got EunHye to slightly chuckled." should be '...which made EunHye chuckle slightly.'
3. P6 "She went into the office and clocked herself out then headed to the locker..." should be 'She went into the office, clocked herself out, and then headed to the locker...'
4. P17 "...but he was still loving his childhood friend." should be '...but he still loved his childhood friend.'

Chapter three P15 "For all he knows, the girl was being a little to exaggerated." should be 'For all he knew, the girl was being a little too exaggerated.'
2. P15 "Their boss, Mr. Choi wasn't even as crazy as how she explained had him." should be 'Their boss, Mr. Choi, wasn't even as crazy as she thought.'
3. P42 "...she and her family was the one who helped me." should be '...she and her family were the ones who helped me.'

Chapter four P13 "...before trying to put some in mines?" should be "...before trying to put some in mine?"
2. P14 "...Youngjae was deeply effected by what..." should be '...Youngjae was deeply affected by what...'
3. P15 "...and maybe he still do but she was pushing him away." should be '...and maybe he still did, but she was pushing him away.'
4. P15 "...then come show you what goods it did to me." should be "...then come show you what good it did to me."
5. P17 "She made a slight frowned and reluctantly stopped making Youngjae stopped also," should be "She frowned slightly and reluctantly stopped, making Youngjae stop also."
6. P22 "I guessed to her, I'm just another..." should be "I guess, to her I'm just another...'
7. P23 "EunHye was to say something..." should be 'EunHye was about to say something...'

Chapter five P18 "...turn into a feminist." In this situation, I think it's incorrect to say Daehyun is turning into a feminist because a feminist is someone who supports equal rights between males and females, not someone who is girly. The correct term would be "a female" or a "feminine person".
2. P21 "...at the petit girl..." should be '...at the petite girl...'

Flow: 15/15 There are a few moments where it's slow, but it's mostly stable and on-time.

Enjoyment: 4/5 Your plot and characters were okay, but you grammar really irked me, and I kept stopping whenever I saw a typo.

Structure: 5/5 Everything's neat and organized.

Overall: 83/100

Specific Advice: So far, you are doing okay, but your grammar needs a lot of looking-over. I don't know if the mistakes I pointed out are typos or you just don't understand conjugation, but you need to look over your work once you're done writing and think to yourself "Does this sound right?" Your plot is pretty good, considering the amount of conflicts you have, and your characters are very nicely-described. You just need to take a break from the loveline and add in some side-conflicts for more drama because focusing on one thing too long will make your story seem dull. Those are basically all the things you need to work on.