Forevermore

http://www.asianfanfics.com/story/view/687204/forevermore-angst-sad-exo-baekhyun

About: angst, sad, exo, baekhyun, originalcharacter

Bleu

Finished on  4/25/2014

Title 2/5–Your title really doesn't match the story. To me, it just reminds me of those cliché titles, or those titles where the authors just mash together words that are “pretty”, “cute”, or anything that sounds nice. The word “forever” is the most cliché of all, I don't know why, but this word is the first word that comes up in everyone's mind. I can't really think of any title recommendations I would recommend, but I think the ones that would make the most sense would be titles that have something to do with the ending of your chapter. The chapter were you were deeply obsessed with KPOP comes to an end. Or anything that really represents the relationship between Jung Hyejin and Byun Baekhyun.

Foreword 9/10–I personally feel like your foreword and description lacks art. It's really plain. I'm not really sure what you could really add to make it seem more exciting, since after all, you already tried the diagonal layout, which would be my first priority. How about you add like some detailed art? Such as “❁” in between your lines, or paragraphs.

I feel like your description and foreword should be switched around. A description should be something that grabs the readers first attention, and to me, your foreword currently, grabs the readers first attention first. Also, the order you have it right now just doesn't really fit. Your information came before the thing that captures the readers eyes, which isn't correct. You should first capture the readers eyes before introducing the information.

I feel like this piece was a really well piece of literature. It has a repetition in your description, which I'm aware is sometimes a rather difficult thing to put into your story. Also, your repetition is not redundant at all, although I feel like there is something that is a little bit off with it, mainly just spelling though. Another thing is, I feel like you have some symbolism in your description, but I'm not quite sure what it is yet.

Something I really want to say that your foreword really doesn't capture my attention. It's too, plain. I really don't like the repetition in your foreword, it's too redundant. You used great repetition in your description, but not in your foreword. Although I like how you only used three, which is the magic number, it just doesn't make me feel well “interested”. Also, a way to spice up your foreword+description a little more is possibly add a quote/segment from the story? Or even a character description. The character description, if you decide to use it, it would be best if it's not a description, but a meaningful quote from the story that really represents her.

Lastly, lets talk about your foreword format. I'm not really a huge fan of the way you have your credits for reviews, it's a bit too messy or clustered. I suggest just having links in symbols, or anything that makes it less clustered. Also, I feel like you should use a different font, possibly something makes it look more intricate?

Plot 20/20–This story really talked to me, I myself, have noticed that I've been growing up, and KPOP just hasn't been that much of a deal to me anymore. Nothing really stays the same, and this really makes me think, was this how I was going to be in the future? I think all of your readers will think the same, after all, each and everyone of else have that one idol that we love, and once we grow older, who knows what will happen.

This story really reminded me of the genre, science fiction, but it wasn't. The main reason why was because in science fiction, the genre, makes you think about whether or not the topic should happen in the future? Or could it happen. That is exactly what your story was about, I thought to myself, what if this happens to me in the future? Would I be exactly like Hyejin?

This story was perfect, and I really think it's unique. I really think that there is no other story that is exactly like this. This plot, or this theme ( while besides the other entrees for this exact theme ), I would definitely recommend this story. Although, I wish there was more to it, I really love how you ended the story.

To me though, I could easily predict that was going to happen from the exact moment she saw the topic title. But for some reason, I never of the word “cliche” at all. Mainly because of the way you wrote this. I'm pretty sure you know that a lot of stories share the same cliché ideas, but do you want to know the reason but it's a Bestseller book? It's because of the way the author writes it, because of their writing style, it makes you feel like this story is amazing doesn't it?

Characters 20/20–You mentioned that the main character's name is Jung Hyejin, and then her children's had a different surname. I was wondering about this controversy actually, this could mean different things. It could either mean that she was divorced and she changed back to her maiden name. Or she chose to keep her maiden name for not wanting to do all the paperwork. Or you chose to have it like this to give her more of an independent figure.

You mentioned that Jung Hyejin had three children, but in the beginning, you only mentioned two of her children. Was the last one possibly still a toddler and didn't go to school yet? If not, was that an incident and you meant to write two children instead of three children?

I really like Jung Hyejin's character, she resembles especially almost every asianfanfiction user. An obcessive, fan-girl. But I think everyone of us think the same, when we grow up, what will happen to our idols? I think Hyejin is a perfect example of it, especially because even I, who have noticed emotions of growing up, have thought of this exact same thing.

Grammar and Spelling 19/20–I'm not sure you really understand the uses of semi-colons. I noticed you used it in your first paragraph, but it just really wasn't right, I would have preferred an em-dash, or maybe a comma? The rules of a semi-colon would be either; use a semi-colon in place of a period to separate two sentences where the conjunction has been left out, whenever you're about to have a list or whenever you're listing stuff, use a semi-colon to separate units of a series when one or more of the units contain commas, use the semi-colon between two sentences joined by a coordinating conjunction when one or more commas appear in the first sentence.

You overuse the pronouns “She”, “Her”, way too much. I understand that you're talking in the perspective of a narrator, but couldn't you have just used “Hyejin”, in some cases? I feel like a lot of authors have trouble with doing this incident a lot of times. Because of this, it makes your story sound really redundant and not interesting at all. Imaging reading a story where it's constantly,”She did”, “She opened,” etc.

❁ P(aragraph) 1,”Jung Hyejin - or more known as Mrs. Park, was casually flipping through the daily newspaper at eight in the morning; just like every other day after her two children, Park Chaemi and Park Minwoo left the Park house for school,” should be,”Jung Hyejin–or more known as Mrs. Park, was casually flipping through the daily newspaper at 8AM; just like every other day, after her two children, Park Chaemi and Park Minwoo left the Park house for school.”

❁ P(aragraph) 7,”And she opened the next page, to see a size 48 sentence on the newspaper welcoming her, with the picture of a man who seemed to be very sickly and could die anytime.” should be,”As she hesitantly opened to the next page, the size 48 sentence greeted her. Hyejin couldn't help but stare at the picture of a man who seemed to be very sick and could die any moment.”

❁ P(aragraph) 13,”Those were some of the explainable feelings that overwhelmed her as her stomach tightened into countless knots.” should be,”Those were some of the recognizable feelings that had overwhelmed her as her stomach was swarmed by a thousand butterflies creating countless knots.”

❁ P(aragraph) 15,”It contained all the merchandise that she kept since her teenage years.” should be,”It had contained all the merchandise that she had kept since her teenage years.”

❁ P(aragraph) 43,”SEOUL: The 35-year-old soloist has been diagnosed with epiglottitis several years back, but it was nothing serious until the 4th of June, the 2nd day of his 'Eternity' concert, when his voice suddenly became extremely hoarse when he sang his one-month-old song, Inner State of Mind. He had to be admitted into the hospital due to his very frequent abnormal breathing sounds and difficulty breathing. His fans were extremely disappointed as the concert had to be cancelled, but all they could do is to pray for Baekhyun's safety and health. He passed away on the 14th of March, 2026, when he was having his dinner when he had difficulty swallowing all of a sudden, causing him to have very severe breathing difficulty and he soon passed. The trend #GoodbyeBaekkie and #StayStrongDiamonds were trending 1# on Twitter worldwide for over a day already. His family was too sad to say anything. "We pray for his peace up there. Earth lost an amazing person, but heaven gained an angel." -Park Chanyeol, ex-member of EXO and Baekhyun's best friend." should be,”SEOUL: The 35-year-old soloist has been diagnosed with epiglottis several years back, but it was nothing serious until the 4th of June, the 2nd day of his 'Eternity' concert, when his voice suddenly became extremely hoarse when he sang his one-month-old song, Inner State of Mind. He had to be admitted into the hospital due to his very frequent abnormal breathing sounds and difficulty breathing. His fans were extremely disappointed as the concert had to be canceled, but all they could do is to pray for Baekhyun's safety and health. He passed away on the 14th of March, 2026, when he was having his dinner he had difficulty swallowing all of a sudden, causing him to have very severe breathing difficulty and he soon passed away. The trend #GoodbyeBaekkie and #StayStrongDiamonds were trending #1 on Twitter worldwide for over a day already. His family was too sad to say anything. "We pray for his peace up there. Earth lost an amazing person, but heaven gained an angel." -Park Chanyeol, ex-member of EXO and Baekhyun's best friend."

❁ P(aragraph) 46,”Hyejin's youngest daughter, Eunbyul's question and her arm pulling brought Hyejin back to reality. She realized that she had been sitting down in front of her big box for over 4 hours, crying unstoppably and reading the news over and over again to the point that she could memorize what was been written.” should be,”Hyejin's youngest daughter, Eunbyul's question and her pulling Hyejin's arm brought Hyejin back to reality. She realized that she had been there, sitting down, craddled in front of her big box for over four hours, crying unstoppably and reader the news over and over again, to the point that she could memorize word by word of the newspaper.

Enjoyment 5/5–I really enjoyed this story, it really made me to think to my self. When I grow up, will I be exactly like Hyejin? Will I be thinking back to my young-self and see how foolish I was? I really enjoyed this story, and I would definitely recommend this story. Your character really represented any KPOP fangirl, not even KPOP really, anybody that fantasizes about anybody really. It can be an author, idol, singer, actor, actress, anybody really.

Structure 4/5–Your structure is perfectly fine. Nothing to complain about, I really wish it looked a little more, fancy though. To me, it's a bit too plain, especially when you're using the most common, average-looking font. Something I don't like is your paragraph spacings, although I approve of it when it adds suspense, but sometimes, it's just completely random.

Overall 79/85=93/100–The only thing that really irritated me was your title. It was almost like if you just clustered a bunch of words that sound “pretty” or look “fancy”. I really like your story, it probably makes every reader feel like they could be Hyejin. Whenever someone fantasizes about someone, what is going to happen when we grow up?