Near and Far

http://www.asianfanfics.com/story/view/666599/near-and-far-angst-fluff-twoshots-exo-hunhan-selu

About: angst, fluff, twoshots, exo, hunhan, selu

Bleu

Finished on  3/24/2014

Title 2/5–Your title is short and eye-catching, but the thing is, there's not much relevancy. I would prefer a title that didn't look that nice but it's relevant to the story than the one you have now. Even if it's not that eye-catching, it at least has some purpose, and it provides us insight on the story, and foreshadowing, it also gives us the right amount of information. But in your situation, I don't see your title doing any of that, I just don't see the relevancy in your title to your story. It doesn't give much information nor does it give much insight. Is there some way for you to tell me how this title is supposed to be relevant to the story? Cause I personally don't see anything, well besides the fact that Sehun is so close to Luhan, but he feels like he's actually far away.

Foreword 6/10–First thing I noticed is throughout your whole foreword you never bothered to put a space after any of your punctuations, such as commas and periods. I noticed that you put spaces in your actual stories, such as your chapter one and two but you didn't in your foreword. I don't know if you didn't know when you made your foreword and you never bothered to fix it when you found out, or it was just a silly formatting mistake. Another thing is, those quotes just seem to be random, like they have no connection to what you're statements talking about, and like, they're pretty random and have no connections what so ever. I preferred if you had quotes that were someone relevant to your statements? Or not have quotes at all. Or you could have like your statements as your descriptions, and your quotes in your foreword, cause personally, I hate it when authors waste space by having an author note or something in the foreword. The foreword is one of the most important elements so why waste it for author notes? I suggest you either have a monologue or like a preview of the story that gives foreshadowing, just anything besides an author note that is rather useless and gives no information what so ever.

❁”We've never talked to each other. “I like doodling.I don't know why but it takes my mind off things.” should be,”We've never really talked to each other. “I liked doodling, I don't know why, but it took my mind off things.”

❁”To me,he's a special guy. “I got a present for you,but you've to stop crying or it'll gone.” should be,”To me, he's someone irreplaceable. “I got a present for you, but you have got to stop crying or else it'll be gone.”

❁”I prefer to stay at my seat,just to feel his presence,to be close to him.He seldom left his seat too. “I missed you.I thought I'll never see you again.” should be,”I preferred to stay at my seat during class, just to feel his presence, to be close to him. He seldom left his seat too. “I missed you. I thought I would never get to see you again.”

❁”Here I am,so near yet so far.Like we're a world apart.How I wish to close that gap. We'll meet soon,I'm sure of it. Wait for me.” should be,”Here I am, so near yet so far. Like we're a world apart. How I wish to close that gap. “We'll meet soon. I'm sure of it. Wait for me.”

Plot 14/20–I feel like you focus way too much on description and details that you forget about the most important part. The plot and character development. I mean, of course a story isn't anything without this. But I believe a story with a good plot and character development without any description and details would still be a better one than a story with absolutely no plot or character development and just description. I feel like your story lacks a lot of plot development, it's just so bland. There's no twists or cliffhangers, and the moral is just so weak. Okay so Luhan died, but the way he died, and the rising action to it, it was just so weak that there was really not much suspense when he died. So like, I guess that was it? Nothing to remember here, just boring. I really wished you had something that well made your story really shine. Your story is also really cliché and common, the lover having died. That's pretty much what your story really is about, there really wasn't much about how Sehun always looked Luhan, I really wished that you added more suspense to your story, to me, it was just one emotion throughout the story.

Characters 17/20–I can't say much about your characters, they were okay I guess, but there really wasn't much character development. To me, I felt like Luhan and Sehun were a lot alike, there really wasn't much personality difference that made them seem different. Or out of the normality actually. I feel like the way Sehun always cried though was really unbelievable, I personally didn't find anything that could have made Sehun cry that much, it was more like, he made himself cry cause Luhan obviously didn't do anything, he was just being his normal stubborn-self. It was almost as if Sehun took the role of a girl, but he's a boy, you should remember that. I just feel like there should have been a lot more diversity in your characters, and possibly add in some side-characters? I noticed that you had brought in a few of the EXO members, but they had little to none screen time in the story.

Grammar and Spelling 15/20–You have problems with spacing it appears. You tend to not have any spaces after any punctuations such as a comma and period. But like, do you know that we do need one though? Like, it looks really clumped together and it just breaks the elements of literature rules. Another thing I had noticed is your writing is just super uncoordinated as there are sometimes where you use spaces and you don't. Another thing is, why did you make those horizontal lines by constantly pressing the dash? You know there is a button that automatically puts a horizontal line in right? Another thing is, you should always switch paragraphs whenever you change a speaker, time, or setting.

❁”It was a peaceful morning filled with fresh minty air,clear blue sky covered with birds chirping sweetly. The sun shines brightly spreading its warm rays,completed the serene view. A boy was sitting on the windowsill at his room,his back leaning comfortably against the glass frame. Long,slender legs dangling and swinging lazily while facing the garden in front of his house. Loud music blasting from his headphones,head swaying side to side while humming a tune. His dark brown orbs darted around his room for a while before continue scribbling on his most prized possession,his pink printed notebook. A small smile etched on the boy's face for a moment,only to replaced with a sad smile. The old notebook crashed into his chest as he hugged it tightly,as if afraid it would disappear if he let his hold free. Slowly he closed his eyes,remembering that one painful yet memorable period in his life.” should be,”It was a peaceful morning that was filled with fresh, minty air. The clear blue sky was covered with birds chirping sweetly. The sun was shining brightly, spreading its warm rays, which completed the serene view. A boy was sitting on the windowsill at his room, his back leaning comfortably against the glass frame. Long, slender legs were dangling and swinging lazily while facing the garden in front of his house. Loud music blasting for his headphones, head swaying side to side while humming a tune. His dark brown orbs darted around his room for a while before continuing to scribble on his most prized possession, his pink-printed notebook. A small smile etched on the boy's face for a moment, only to be replaced with a sad smile. The old notebook crashed into his chest as he hugged it tightly, as if afraid it would disappear if he let his old free. Slowly, he closed his eyes, remember that one painful yet memorable period in his life.

❁”Luhan, he breathed. His eyes still fixed on the boy's flawless figure,slowly studying him. That name keep replaying in his wandering mind. Don't ask him how,when and why he is attracted to this mysterious boy. He doesn't talk a lot,pretty much like Sehun. His eyes always had this emotion like longing and something that Sehun couldn't interpret himself. The boy have a small fair face,cute button nose and soft shade of wavy brown hair that looks so fluffy,makes Sehun wonders what it would feel like to run his fingers in those hair. He always wear that calm expression on his face,somewhow affects Sehun,in a good way. “ should be,”Luhan,he breathed. His eyes still fixated on the boy's flawless figure, slowly moving his eyes up and down studying him. His name kept replaying in his wandering mind. Don't ask him how, when and why he is attracted to this mysterious buy. He doesn't talk a lot, pretty much like Sehun. His eyes always had this emotion like longing and something that Sehun couldn't interpret himself. The boy had a small fair face, cute-button nose and a soft shade of wavy brown hair that looks so fluffy, it makes Sehun wonder what it would feel like to run his fingers in those hair. He always wear that calm expression on his face, somehow, it affects Sehun, in a good way.”

❁”Sometimes his face turns into a sad one before it replaces with the calm one. Sehun feels closer to him just by looking at him,day by day. That's the main reason why Sehun rejected his friends' offer. He prefer staying at his seat just to feel Luhan's presence be it during class,recess,breaks..Sehun just can't get enough. What makes him more happy is that Luhan seldom left his seat too,giving the latter chances to keep admiring him.” should be,”Sometimes his face turns into a sad one before it was replaced with the usual calm one. Sehun felt closer to him just by looking at him, day by day. That's the main reason why Sehun rejected his friend's offer. He preferred staying at his seat just to feel Luhan's presence, be it during class, recess, breaks...Sehun just couldn't get enough. What makes him happier is that Luhan seldom left his seat too, giving the latter chances to keep admiring him.”

There are more mistakes, but they are just mistakes that are being repeated constantly, just follow what I said in the grammar and spelling section and read throughout your story and fixing any of the mistakes you find. After all, I don't feel obligated to fixing every single mistake you make, cause if I do, there would be a huge page of it. And you won't gain any knowledge.

Flow 12/15–The only things I would complain about your story is the transitions and time skips. The whole idea of “One Year Later” is just so random the way you wrote it, there should at least be some build-up, and as for you, there was none except for the time that Luhan had went missing one day. The other times there was no build-up what so ever. I feel like when Luhan died it was just really random, but besides from these few circumstances your flow was perfectly fine.

Enjoyment 1/5–I personally wasn't that much of a fan to this story, the uncoordinated spacings just made your story really hard to read without having a huge OCD problem. Like, there are times where you have spaces after punctuations, and then there's another time where you don't. I don't know if you forget to put spaces, or you thought you could spaces where ever you wished to. Another thing is, your story was just so boring! There was no suspense what so ever, and barely any emotion at all. I really wished you had added something well, interesting to your story. And another thing is, your story is just overdone.

Structure 3/5–The structure is where you have a lot of problems, especially with the spacings between your punctuations. Another thing is, I don't think that you should always change paragraphs whenever you start in on a new topic, when you skip to a new time, when you skip to a new place, when a new person begins to speak, when you want to produce a dramatic effect. Another thing is, whenever you have a new time, you should always start the sentence with a transition. A transition could be something like, “Later that day”, “The next morning”, “Five hours passed”, etc.

Overall 70/100–I personally didn't enjoy this story that much, the ongoing grammar mistakes, such as spacing, just made your story seem so messy that it was almost unreadable. Your story was so boring that it didn't help regain my interest one bit. I really feel like this stories plot line or Freitag Curve was just a straight line, cause there was nothing that rose or fall.