Rewind

http://www.asianfanfics.com/story/view/691084/rewind-comedy-oneshot-romance-supernatural-exo-tao-sehun

About: comedy, oneshot, romance, supernatural, exo, tao, sehun

Bleu

Finished on  4/22/2014

Title 5/5–Something I really like about your title is that it's really relevant to the story. Huang Zitao has the ability to reverse time and go back in time. In other words, he can rewind his life. You made a lot of references throughout your story, and you gave the hint of “rewind” constantly in every chapter. It wasn't too much, but it was just right.

I really like your title, it's short and quick to the topic, and it's really eye-catching. I highly doubt this is a cliché title, mainly because I don't see much titles in this community with the same title. It's really unique and I enjoyed it quite a bit. Something else I really liked is that it didn't give too much information, or too little information. Just like Goldilocks and the Three Bears, it wasn't too hot, it wasn't too cold, it was just right.

Foreword 8/10–Something I was really put off by your foreword was your word/phrase formatting. I really don't like the idea of having phrases/sentences being bold and italicized. It just makes it look really, non-special and plain. I would prefer it if it was a different font (make sure it's not too flashy), make it a light gray color, or just have it bold, or italicized individually.

I have an advice about the paragraph spacings and format, I noticed as the foreword progresses, you have little segments of dates and times. Instead of just having it triple or double spaced, I think it would be really nice-looking if there was a horizontal line. Or many like a symbol such as “❁”, or any fancy symbol that separates the segments.

Something I really don't like is the fact that your whole description was those segments from the story, and it was really details and all. But, I really despise the fact that the foreword is just an author note. Whenever you make a foreword, or edit it, there is a section for an author note isn't there? Use that instead for an author note, and for the foreword, give a quick description or highlight of the main characters? Make sure it's JUST the main characters, preferably the main OTP, and do not add any minor characters, or characters that the readers should find out as they gradually read the story.

Another thing I noticed is that I really like the information you gave. Although I'm not a huge fan of the idea that you basically told the audience, or your readers, that Huang Zitao, or Tao, had the ability to travel back in time. I would have liked it without that last statement, mainly because it was rather obvious that he had that ability, mainly because of the symbolism. I would have enjoyed your foreword much more without that last statement.

Lastly, I feel like your foreword gave just a little bit too much information, I think your foreword would still be as good ending at “... Or Five.” Cause, after that segment, everything is just repetition, and it's super redundant. It throws away the whole mysterious and suspenseful atmosphere, and gave a more fun, loving, and childish atmosphere–which really doesn't fit with the whole story.

Something I noticed about the grammar is that you should know that you don't need to put a space after the ending of the last set of quotation marks, or do you need to put a space after the comma that leads to a set of dialogue. Something else I want to say is that whenever you have “AM” or “PM”, you should have it connected it with the time, not with a space between them.

❁”My name is Huang Zitao and today I asked Victoria Song out to prom.” should be,”My name is Huang Zitao and today...I asked Song Victoria out to prom.”

❁”April 14, 8:52 am:” should be,”April 14, 8:52am:” Make sure that you make these changes to all that corresponds to it. Even if this statement appears multiple times in your story, I mean every single one of them, not just one.

❁”She turned around, her hair flipped in slow motion, as she politely smiled back.” should be,”She turned around, her hair flipped in a slow motion like in those movies, and she politely smiled back.”

❁”I was wondering...” I paused and took a deep breath, “Will you … Maybe go to prom with me?” should be,”I was wondering...”I paused and took a deep breath,”Will you...maybe go to prom with me?”

❁”She smiled as she observed me silently, making me feel a bit uneasy.” should be,”She had a glimmering smile, but if you look deep down, she was observing me silently, making me feel a bit uneasy inside.”

❁”I stood back and watched her leave, before I looked at the time on my phone.” should be,”Before I glimpsed at the time on my phone, I stood back and watched her leave.”

❁”8:54” it said.” should be,”8:54,” it said.”

❁”... Or five.” should be,”...or five that is.”

❁”Hey Victoria,” I casually walked up to her, “Will you go to prom with me?” should be,”Hey Victoria,” I casually walked up to her,”Will you go to prom with me?”

❁”Victoria, hey... Do you want to go with me to prom?” I asked more mellow.” should be,”Victoria, hey...do you want to go with me to prom?” I asked more mellow.”

❁”She just shook her head, smiled politely and left.” should be,”She just shook her head, smiled politely, and left.”

Plot 17/20–I like your information, but like I said in your foreword. I really don't like the fact that you literally blurted out the fact that Huang Zitao can travel back in time. According to your story, it was already obvious that he had the power to travel back in time, so there really is no point to make it a sentence saying that it is. Something else is that, you should trust your writing ability, because it really is good.

I really don't like your first chapter, it's the exact same as your foreword! No originality at all. It's really redundant, and I hate the repetition. I understand if it was just like “You can't blame me for giving it a shot though...or five.” I really don't like the way that you pretty much copied what you had in chapter one or in the foreword, and pasted it in the foreword or chapter one.

Characters 16/20–There's something about your characters that I really don't like. It's just way too cliché. All of the main characters, Huang Zitao, Jinri, Jia, and Krystal. They're all too nice and there's nothing really horrible about them. I really feel like, Huang Zitao is too supernatural. Although he does have the ability to go back in time, the way that he is using it is too supernatural and cliché. Another thing is, you mentioned that everyone has a different ability inside, but what is Jinri's, Jia's, and Krystal's? It's almost as if you forgot about the main point of the setting. The fact that everybody has a different special ability. The story so far is almost like you're single-handily solo-in out Huang Zitao. There's no one else who is mentioned that is similar to Tao.

Grammar and Spelling 18/20–In chapter one, and in paragraph three, you compared the boy you sit next to in school and to your cousin. The comparison is way too vague, I would have preferred if you didn't use a boy you sit next to and your cousin, cause the difference between these two are too varied. It just doesn't make a good enough impact to the story with this comparison and contrast.

Something else I would like to say is in chapter one, paragraph 21, you overused the pronoun “she” way too much. It was “She did this”,”She was the”, in almost every, let me rephrase that, in every sentence it was that same format. I think you could have mixed it up a little bit more. Instead of having it as separate sentences, have it has a single sentence but connected with comas and semi-colons? Or you can use “Her” or her name instead.

Throughout your story, I noticed that you made this mistake constantly. Whenever you're separating a dialogue, for example,”Im sorry,” she said after what felt like forever, “but I don't think so.” If you highlight the sentence, you'll notice that you had a space after the last comma and set of quotation marks. There is no need for a space there, after all, it is connected.

Whenever you have consecutive periods, for example,”...”, you don't need a s pace after it. The reason why though, it's because it's connecting two phrases, adding emotion along the way. You should never put a space after that last period, it should always be spaceless.

Chapter One

❁ P(aragraph) 2,”Some have artistic skills while others possess athletics abilities.” should be,”Some have artistic skills, while others possess athletic abilities.”

❁ P(aragraph) 3,”The boy you sit next to in school probably draws really well. Your cousin might be a very good singer.” should be,”The boy you sit next to in school probably draws really well. While the other boy you sit next to in school probably is the school athletic star.”

❁ P(aragraph) 16,”Today, I asked Victoria Song out to prom.” should be,”Today, I asked Song Victoria out to prom.”

❁ P(aragraph) 21,”If our school had a girl next-door, it would be Victoria Song. She was the ultimate angel with the sweetest smile. She had a heart of gold! She was a straight-A student, she was the captain of the cheerleading squad and she even helped out at the local pet shelter. She was every mother in laws dream! Every girl wanted to be her and every guy wanted to date her.” should be,”If our school had a the down-to-earth girl next-door, it would be Song Victoria. She is the ultimate angel with the sweetest smile; had a heart of gold; got straight A's; and she was the captain of the cheerleading squad. Victoria even helps out at the local pet shelter, she was the girl in everyone’s dreams!

❁ P(aragraph) 76,”I seriously hope karma comes back around to bite those girls in the !” Jia flared, “Jinri doesn't deserve any of that!” should be,”I seriously hope karma comes back around to bite those girls in the !” Jia flared,”Jinri doesn't deserve any of that!”

❁ P(aragraph) 77,”Nobody deserves it,” I responded her, “But it happens... What can we do?”, should be,”Nobody deserves it,” I responded her,”but it happens...what can we do?

❁ P(aragraph) 80,”I turned around to see who it was, and to my surprise, it was Krystal Jung!” should be,”I turned around to see who it was, and to my surprise, it was Jung Krystal!”

❁ P(aragraph) 82,”Hey Jia unnie.” should be,”Hey Jia-unnie.”

❁ P(aragraph) 87,”I … Uhhh....” I mumbled.” should be,”I...uhhh...” I mumbled.”

There are more mistakes in Chapters two...three...four, but I don't have the time to write them all down. The mistakes aren't really lethal, just small minor mistakes that I explained beforehand. Another thing is that your mistakes are something that can be easily fixed by proof-reading and spelling and grammar check.

Flow 12/15–Your chapter transitions are a bit too choppy. There aren't really any transitions at the end of the chapter, to the beginning of the next chapter. I really feel like you need more transitions, or some way that makes your endings and introductions connect with each other.

Besides from this your flow is really good, although I dislike the fact that the moments that Huang Zitao flash back are a little bit too miss-conceived, meaning that it's too hidden in the text to notice. I wish it was more noticeable that Tao really went back in time. I mean, you used to have the times, it was really good and kept great track of the time for us readers, but I really wish you kept doing that.

Enjoyment 4/5–I really enjoyed this story actually, mainly because of the symbolism between rewind and your main character, Huang Zitao. Some things I don't like is your chapter transitions, character developments, and lack of the main plot conceiving. Something I really found weird was that you noticed that every body had a different special ability, but I don't see what Jinri's, Jia's, and Krystal's ability. I really want to know what their special ability is. It's almost as if Huang Zitao is special in his crowd.

Structure 2/5–Something I was really confused about, and I was so confused that I had to ask my fellow reviewer companions about their opinion, was your four chapters meant to be like a continuous story? Or were they like four different ways you wrote your story? I think the main reason to my confusion was the chapter title. When I think of “Draft 1...2...3...4”, I think of a piece of literature rewrote and fixed. Which way were you trying to write it as? A vignette-style? Or like a more draft style?

Something I was really put off by your story was your word/phrase formatting. I really don't like the idea of having phrases/sentences being bold and italicized. It just makes it look really, non-special and plain. I would prefer it if it was a different font (make sure it's not too flashy), make it a light gray color, or just have it bold, or italicized individually.

Somewhere in chapter one, I noticed that you made a major font change. I'm pretty sure it was an accident. Or it was something asianfanfictions did. I also think that you didn't mean to do it, and you never caught sight of it. Okay so during around the middle/end of the chapter, the font changed to smaller font size than usual.

Overall 82/100–Overall, your story is really unique and really nice to read. It really hooks me to the story. Something I don't like is the way your chapter names are named, it's really misleading. Another thing is, I really don't like how your chapter one, and your foreword, was almost identical. It was the exact same format, the exact same words, and there was really no creativity. Something else is that your repetition is too redundant for me.