One Second After Message(Drabble)

http://www.asianfanfics.com/story/view/615606/one-second-after-messages-drabble-angst-jiyoung-kangminhyuk-minhyuk-deathfic-darkromance-kangjiyoung

About: angst, jiyoung, kangminhyuk, minhyuk, deathfic, darkromance, kangjiyoung, kara, cnblue

Bleu
Finished on 3/2/2014

Title 5/5–Your title is perfectly fine the way it is, it is super relevant to the story. After all, it was all because of a message that forecd Minhyuk and Jiyoung to commit suicide. If it wasn't for that one second after a message, none of this would have happened. If you really didn't like your title, I would suggest having it as Romeo and Juliet. After all, this story is a lot like it. Romeo, Minhyuk thought Juliet was dead, so he commited suicide. Then when Juliet was found un-dead, she said Minhyuk's corpse, and decided to commit suicide along side him.

Foreword 7/10–At first sight, your foreword is rather scattered, or should I say messy. I feel like there are too many elements going at once. Expecially in the foreword secton. You have the story features, translations, author notes, and reviews. I suggest you separate author note, translations, and reviews from the story features itself. Afterall, there is an author note section when you create a foreword isn't there? In the P.S part, you said wrong diction, usually people don't use diction in replacement for spelling,, so you should use spelling instead. When people usually hear the word diction, they think of the dictionary itself. In your description, there is no need for you to put a space after the three consecutive periods(...) afterall, it's supposed to connect these two causes. Another thing is, your description has a few grammar mistakes, and it's rather misleading. In my perspective, it seemed like you were using two opposite topics, such as a message being expected, or a message being unexpected, you didn't give the readers an exact enough topic. Cause it felt like you put two topics in one sentence and squished them together.

❁”Just one message... can contains a lot of meaning. Sometimes you can't know what's the exact meaning of it. After the arrival of a message, something is bound to happen. Which maybe expected as well as unexpected.” should be,”Just one message...contains a lot of meaning. Sometimes, you can't figure out what the exact meaning of it is. After the arrival of a message, something is bound to happen. Which could be expected, or it could be unexpected. Who knows?”

The reason I decided to change this paragraph was mainly because it had some misconceptions. I wasn't quite sure if you were talking about this, or if you were talking about that. You could use either “can contain a lot of meaning” or you should use “contains a lot of meaning” it's up to your decision. Another thing is, I think “figure out” would be a lot better word instead of “know what”. I felt like the last sentence should be a question, after all, it's up the readers to figure out if it was expected or if it was unexpected.

Plot 14/20–You just started your story out of no where, there was no rising action to the . There was nothing. It felt like you were rushing or you couldn't think of an appropriate way to start the story. I suggest having Jiyoung witnessing a moment when Min Hyuk is spending time with his “dream woman” and he's acting happy. First thing first is, there are way too many messages where Minhyuk said “Jiyoung-ah, I'm sorry. Please.” I feel like you just put that much in there because you felt like your drabble was too short, instead of having that much, you should just cut it off and have the “__ messages from Min Hyuk.” Also, this story is really mary-sue, there are just so many things going on at once, and there is no certain time transfers or transitions. I feel like everythings just popping out of no where, and you can barely tell what's going on anymore. Slow down and put more details into an event. When Jiyoung's mom texts Minhyuk, I think you should put something along the lines,”A few days have passed, and still no message back from Jiyoung,” before it, even if it was a joke. I feel like, this is a story of two lovers that tried to repay their sins over and over again, in the end, it was like Romeo and Juliet. Romeo, or Minhyuk, noticed that Juliet, Jiyoung, was apposedly dead, so he commited suicide so he could be with Jiyoung. But turns out, Jiyoung wasn't dead, but when she woke up and noticed that he had died. She herself commited suicide so she could be with him. In the end, everything started with just a message.

Characters 15/20–You should have told us readers who this “dream woman” was at the beginning. Cause after all, she is an obstable in Minhyuk and Jiyoung's relationship, so you should atleast tell us what her name is at first. If not, then this dream woman is like a shadow that will just keep haunting us readers. I don't quite feel like you developed the charactes much. Besides from the facts that these two were so madly in love, and once they found out the other was dead, they wanted to kill themselves in guilt, the guilt of believing they were the ones that caused the other to die. I wish they had more distinct personalities though, there was nothing super spontaneous about them. To me, Minhyuk was Romeo. And Jiyoung was Juliet.

Grammar and Spelling 15/20–You have a lot of times where you use pronouns, but in the end, you don't even bother to give us any inferance about who these pronouns were referring to. Another things is, you have a habit of using letters instead of messages, remember, they are texting each other, not writing a letter to each other. Lastly, I feel like there are times where you use the wrong tense, such as past and present, and another thing where you use the wrong ending that's supposed to correspond with the tense, such as -ing or -ed. You don't have much spelling errors, considering the fact that you're not a native speaker.

❁”One second. Yeah, it's a fairly short time for everyone. But for me, it's very precious. When am I going to be happy with you? Minhyuk, you're now happy with your dream woman. I wish after reading this letter, you can forget me. I'll be waiting there someday.”One second. Yeah, it may be a fairly short amount of time for some. But for me, it's something very precious. When will I be able to be happy with you? Minhyuk, you're now happy with your dream woman,-insert name-. I wish after you read this message, you can forget about me. I'll be waiting there someday.”

The reason I had decided to change this paragraph was because you had too many pronouns, and in the end, you never really introduced what these pronouns meant. First thing is, when you said its a fairly short time for everyone, everyone means that it includes Jiyoung as well, when it doesn't. And what is “it's” what's precious to Jiyoung? Also, you should introduce what the dream woman's name is. When you wrote “reading this letter” you never told us or gave any inferation wbout who was supposed to be reading this letter. And what is this “there”. What do you mean by “I'll be waiting there someday.”?

❁”'These writings are the last messages between Min Hyuk and Jiyoung. From this evidence, strongly corroborates that...,” private detective said as shown the case files and explained to the family of the girl with long hair and cute-faced, and the family of the guy with short hair and cool-faced. The next sentence which spoken by the detective haven't heard by the girl with long hair. The face of the girl with long hair was full of tears. She was imagining what she did before.” should be,”'These pieces of writings were the last messages between Minhyuk and Jiyoung. From this evidence, we can strongly corroborate that...” the private detective said while showing the case files, and explained to the family of Jiyoung, the girl with long hair and a cute face, and the family of Minhyuk, the guy with short hair and a cool looking face. The next sentence which was spoken by the detective, couldn't be heard by Jiyoung. The face of the girl with long hair was full of tears. She was imagining what she did before.”

❁”After she sent a message through her mobile phone, she was accidently watching the news on TV which had been already turning on. “Breaking News. There was a guy died horribly by eating rat poision, cutting his own veins and also jumping away from his building apartment room. On his wall room there was a lot of blood that said “Jeongmal Mianhamnida (I'm terribly sorry), Jiyoung-ah!”. Allegedly he commited suicide because of someone named Jiyoung...,” the girl immediately turned off the TV with very surprised face. She couldn't say a word about the news. She couldn't help to feel guilty and sadness were tremendous.” should be,”After she sent a message through her mobile phone, she was coincidently watching the news on TV which had already been . “Breaking News. There was a guy who died horribly this morning by eating rat poision, cutting his own veins, and also jumping off his balcony from his apartment room. On his wall room, there was a lot of blood that said “Jeongmal Mianhamnida (I'm terribly sorry), Jiyoung-ah!” Allegedly, he commited suicide because of someone named Jiyoung...” The girl immediately turned off the TV with a very surprised face. She couldn't say a word about the news she had just heard. She couldn't helpt but to feel builty and sadness.”

You have more mistakes, but I don't feel obligated to correct them all. After all, if I corrected them all. Would you have learned a lesson?

Enjoyment 2/5–I personally wasn't a huge fan of this story. There was just too much going on at once, and it felt like it was all going on during one day. Since you had absolutely no transitions, and I couldn't tell what I was reading anymore. The story was too mary-sue, it was like Romeo and Juliet, I felt like if you had spaced it out a bit more, it would have sounded a lot better. Another thing is, you have a few grammar and spelling mistakes. I suggest slowing it down a lot, and focus on having more details.

Structure 4/5–I noticed that you put the title in the first chapter as well, I think you should bold it, or make it a bigger size font. Cause it blends in with the text too much, and it should pop out, after all, it is the story title. I suggest having the text messages in a light gray, cause I feel like they should be more distinct than the story text itself. Another thing is, could you either bold or italacize the parts where you mention a flashback is starting or ending?

Overall 62/85=73/100–This story is way too rushed, and there's too much going on at once. It's like a remake of Romeo and Juliet, but a lot more rushed and less details and romance. I suggest slowing it down a lot, and focusing on more important events and adding a lot more detail. You should also check your grammar every now and then to see if it sounds right or not. Another thing is, you have too many of those messages where Minhyuk said sorry to Jiyoung. You should just cut it after 5-6 messages.