AwesomePicEditor67
❁Crimson Twilight Review Shop❁ {PAUSED/Finishing requests}Project SM
About: angst, anorexia, selfharm, depression, originalcharacter, exo, bulimia
Bleu
Finished on 3/4/2014
Title 3/5–The title is really cliché, I swear, I've seen so many stories with the same title, or titles along the same lines. I feel like you should find a different title, cause I think you have so much more potential titles in your story. Such as, “Unforgetable Past”, or something along those lines. Cause this story is really drived by Min Ryu being haunted by his past, when he got or when he got bullied. I really like how you introduced the title in the foreword, and in the first chapter, you didn't hesitate, but you made it the main point of the story immediately.
Foreword 8/10–I feel like your description gives the best amount of information, not too much, not too little. It's like Goldilocks and the Three Bears. The first porridge was too hot, and it was uneatable. The second porridge was too cold, and the taste was ruined. Lastly, the third porridge, was just right, which is what your foreword is. The perfect amount of information. Another thing is, I think you should have more details in your story, cause after reading this foreword, I had some questions that I thought could have been answered in the foreword instead. Some of the questions were, what kind of things is too much pressure and stress? Did he join EXO before they debut, or after they debut? Lastly, what would have happened if he did debut so young, would his body break down? Would he be so insecure he would kill himself? Another thing is, I feel like the idea of Min Ryuk being and bullied is too mary-sue, and you shouldn't have told us this early in the story! I wish you would have let the readers learn that he was and bulliled, not immediately finding it out. I don't like how your foreword is an author note, there is a reason why there's an author note when you first write your foreword. Instead of having an author note in the foreword, how about having a monologue? Or a short paragraph from your story that gives foreshadowing. I think you should have a horizontal line between the author note and the credits.
❁”However, he is too young to debut on his own without to deal with far too much stress and pressure, so they decide to introduce him as EXO's 13th member for a while, so as to let him adjust. They call this project, Project SM.” should be,”However, he is far too young to debut on his own. There is too much stress and pressure in being an idol, watching your weight, practicing day and night, and the schedule that just never seems to end. It would break his body if he were to do this alone. That's why they decided to introduce him as EXO's 13th member for a while, so Min Ryu could be able to adjust to this new life style of his. This project, is called, Project SM.”
The reason I decided to change this paragraph was because I felt like, it could have used some more details. For example, why would there be so much stress and pressure? Another thing is, what would have happened if he did debut this young? I feel like, if you gave more examples, it would give the readers a better vision of what you're talking about currently. Another thing is, “so as to let him adjust” should be a front-branch sentencing instead of a ending-branch sentencing.
Plot 17/20–Right when you started chapter one you wrote,”I got into SM about 10 to 11 months ago, right before my 15th birthday, so I was 15 when I entered SM.” Doesn't this mean that Min Ryu was still 14 when he got into SM. So shouldn't he be 14 too when she entered SM? Or did you mean that he got scouted at the age of 14? Cause to me, “got into” and “entered” mean the same thing. I feel like you tend to switch perspectives a lot, there are times where you are talking directly from the characters perspective, and there is also times where you tend to talk as if you have an audience in front of you. I don't like how all original 12 EXO members treat Min Ryu the same, sweet and cuddly. I wish at least one member doesn't like him. For example, he could hate him because he liked things the same before, or he's going to ruin the group's public image.Your twists and cliffhangers are really weak, they don't have much suspense nor surprise. Afterall, your twists and cliffhangers are imaginable, after all, you gave so much foreshadowing before that I could easily predict it.
Characters 16/20–You did really good at describing Min Ryu at the beginning, and you did a good job not mentioning the whole at the beginning, just the bullying. Also, you didn't immediately input Sang Hyun, you gave a brief introduction. After they Sang Hyun and Min Ryu were put in separate groups, what happened to Sang Hyun? He made a few appearances in chapter two, but after that, he was pretty much missing. I would have loved if you kept him in the story, cause I felt like he could be a major factor in the story. The original 12 EXO members are way too nice, there has to be at least ONE member that doesn't like them, perhaps, the person could like think he's going to ruin the group's reputation or something? I just feel like there should be some EXO members that aren't super hyper or sweet to Min Ryu.
Grammar and Spelling 15/20–I feel like you have a lot of simple sentences, and some incomplete sentences. There are times when I have a lot of questions in my head, and you didn't explain it well enough. Whenever you wrote a time, such as “12:45 p.m..” there is no need to put an extra period. Cause that first period counts as the ending paragraph was well. I don't like how you put author notes literally in the story, wait till the chapter is over, and put it in at the end. Don't interupt the readers while they're still reading. You don't need to capitalize hotteok, it is just a food, it isn't someone so reknowned it has to be capitalized. You have a few run-off sentences, and a lot of grammar mistakes. This is usually because you either use the tense wrong, such as -ed, or you use the wrong ending, such as -ing.
Chapter One...
❁”I immediately get down to dancing.” should be,”I immediately started practicing my dancing.”
The reason I changed this phrase is because, it doesn't make quite sense to “get down” to dancing, nor does it give information on whose dancing it was. Was it his skill? Or was it something else?
❁”The others don't know about it as the bags that appear when one is not getting enough sleep are easily covered up. Ever since I was born, the bags that appear under my eyes don't really show. I don't know why, though, I'm really pale. Like, as pale as someone who hasn't gone out into the sun for a long time.” should be,”The others don't know about it, but whenever I have bags, the ones where you don't get enough sleep, are really easy to cover up. Ever since I was born, my bags don't really show up on my skin, well not as much as normal people's does. I don't know why though, I don't have a disease or anything, but I'm really pale. I'm as pale as someone who hasn't gone out into the sun for a long time.”
The reason I changed this paragraph was because you had choppy sentences. First thing is, the way you wrote how he had bags that didn't show up was really confusing. Your two causes, secondary and primary, were really simple, and there was no details at all. I think you should have some more sentences where you can really tell that it's from Min Ryu's perspective. Such as using words that you usually wouldn't say when you're narrating. Your last sentence, which I assumed was a simile, was poorly formatted.
❁”...and he's the second highest right after me.” should be,”...and he's the second highest rank out of all the trainees, well after me that is.”
I don't quite know what you were trying to say in this sentence. I just assumed that you were talking about the ranking system between the trainees.
❁”Today was a Sunday, so there aren't any classes, but I still practice anyway.” should be,”Today was a Sunday, so there aren't any classes, but I still practiced anything.”
❁”I didn't expect Sang Hyun to be running besides me, panting as we finally reached the office.” should be,”I hadn't expected Sang Hyun to be running besides me as well, we were panting as we finally reached the office.”
❁”How did you even manage to match Wolf step for step?” should be,”How did you even manage to perform, or should I say copy, Wolf step by step?”
❁”Annyeonghaseyo, Kim Min Ryu imnida” should be,”Annyeonghaseyo, Kim Min Ryu-imnida.”
❁”Nice to meet you, Min Ryu, I take It you're the one joining us?” should be,”Nice to meet you, Min Ryu, I take it you're the one joining us?”
Chapter Two...
❁”You're making me shorter than I am already!' I huffed and jutted out my bottom lip at them, mock-glaring. Faster than the normal eye could see, Baekhyun and Chen were on the floor, with Luhan and Chanyeol sitting on them respectively.” should be,”You're making me feel shorter than I already am!' I huffed and jutted out of my tongue at them, glaring at them with mock. Faster than the normal eye could see, Baekhyun and Chen were on the floor, with Luhan and Chanyeol sittong on them aggresively.”
The reason I decided to change this paragraph was because, you can't MAKE someone shorter by making fun of them, you can only make them FEEL shorter. Another thing is, it doesn't make sense for someone to put their bottom lip at them, it would make more sense if they put their tongue out. Lastly, mock-glaring, doesn't sound right at all.
There are more mistakes but I don't feel obligated to correct them all, afterall, whats the point of you don't learn how to do it yourself?
Flow 13/15–The flow is perfect as it is, there is nothing wrong with it. Although, I feel like the events that occurred in chapter one and chapter two were really awkward. It just seems really like, full of fan-service. Cause it doesn't have any like angst-moments, just full of fluff. Another thing is, I feel like the story progressed a little bit too quick, after all, Min Ryu almost got again just a few chaptes later, and then Baekhyun revealed a secret that was almost the same as Min Ryu's. I just feel like, all together your flow is good, but if you go to sections only, the flow is a little bit choppy and quick.
Enjoyment 3/5–I personally have mixed feelings about this, I enjoyed the fluff between Min Ryu and Sang Hyun, but I really didn't enjoy how much the EXO members loved Min Ryu at first sight. I really wished there was a member that didn't like him. Another thing is, your cliffhangers are really weak, and I wish you had some more angst in this story.
Structure 4/5–In chapter one, after the first two paragraphs, you suddenly changed font type and possibly size. I was really confused why you did so, and it wasn't anything vitle, there wasn't like a flashback, nor was there like something that made you change fonts. So I'm really wondering, how come you changed fonts?
Overall 79/100–From reading this story, I had mixed feelings, I wasn't quite sure if I enjoyed it, or I hated it. I feel like your characters are too perfect, they don't have much flaws, nor do they have an mixed emotions. Another thing is, the title is really cliché, and I think there are other titles with a lot of potential. The cliffhangers and twists are really weak though, because you gave such obvious foreshadows, all your cliffhangers and twists were predictable
Comments