Correction: Just Gay

http://www.asianfanfics.com/story/view/711714/correction-just-gay-comedy--mrated-got7-jark-jacksonxmark

About: comedy, , mrated, got7, jark, jacksonxmark

Bleu
Finished on 7/19/2014

Chapters Read 7/8

Author Note–Hello, this is Bleu also known as iShiroKins, the reason I'm writing an author's note is because I've realized that you must be quite upset of how late this review is. Please be assured that we did not forget you, or was it because we were lazy and didn't want to work on your review. We have exactly all of the requests in order. Although this isn't a proper or acceptable excuse for having a late request, the reasons why we've been so backed up is because of the following...Okay, so in April-May a lot of members went on vacation and so on, and then, when they came back, it was not long for them to have their finals. This really gave us the worse situation ever, I'm sure you guys, as fellow authors, know how hard it is to balance Asianfanfiction and school finals. I do not think this will be a good enough excuse or apology for you to look away from this mess-up, but please know that we had no means of showing disrespect or ignorance to this review.

Title 5/5–I really enjoy your title, it seems like, you really thought out your title really well. Although at first I was quite confused on the whole “Correction” idea, since there really wasn't anything that relevant in my mind. But then as I kept thinking about it, it's really relevant cause Jackson keeps assuming that Mark does other stuff, but Mark always replies that he's “Just Gay” and nothing else. I feel like your title is really eye-catching, since it's really unique and there hasn't been any titles similar to this at all.

Foreword 7/10–I feel like there isn't enough information in your foreword. All we know is that Mark and Jackson are best friends, and Mark is gay. I wish there was just a little bit more background information or at least foreshadowing in this. I really wish there was more foreshadowing in this. I just feel like there just isn't anything that's like particularly attracting me into the story.

What I found really odd on this page is your description. If Mark is already best friends with Jackson, why is Mark introducing himself and telling him he's gay? It doesn't make since, since if Mark was already best friends with Jackson before he told him that he was gay, then there is no reason for those two to be introducing their names. I find that really odd, since I can't tell if Mark introduced himself as gay, or he introduced himself as gay after they were already best friends. I think you should really re-think about how you worded your description. The two options your description can be about is, Mark has been best friends with Jackson for a while, and he now comes out to him that he's gay. Or, Mark and Jackson have just met, and Mark tells him he's gay when he first introduces himself.

Under your foreword, you have a character listing right? I wish you would give descriptions or another informational about the MAIN characters; Mark and Jackson. I absolutely love how you formatted your extra characters, you made sure you gave them enough spotlight, without having them overwhelming the main characters.

Something I would suggest adding to your main characters in your character list under your foreword would be like, maybe having an excerpt from something Mark/Jackson said. Or, having just a brief description about them. Or having a brief background information about it.

Plot 19/20–I'm quite confused on what the point of view/perspective is from. There are times when it's just Mark's perspective, but then there's also times when it's a narrator talking. I think you should really make headlines that tell whose perspective it is, since I was quite confused on who to expect to be talking. I don't know if you do this accidentally, or you meant to change perspectives every now and then. Remember, readers can determine perspectives by clearly examining if it's first/second/third speaking.

I feel like your plot is really well organized, there really isn't anything that's like confusing or anything. I think it was well executed, I was really intrigued because there was a lot of twists and cliffhangers. I really love how you really made me feel like I was in the persons footsteps as well.

Characters 16/20–I really love Mark and Jackson's personality. Although Mark is the one that's gay, Jackson is the one that's acting odd. It's almost as if you're trying to say that, just because one's gay doesn't mean they're weird, the weird one can always be the normal one. I really love how Jackson is so confused of what he should do, he's not sure of what his relationship status should be.

I think the one main flaw of your story is probably the amount of side characters you have. I feel like you just randomly throw people's names in it. I feel like sometimes, you should learn that, just because you're going to introduce someone doesn't mean you should give them a name. If they're not going to be an impact to the story that much, you don't have to say their name. I feel like, you introduced a lot of side characters and it really gets confusing since I'm not sure if I should remember this person or something.

Grammar and Spelling 16/20–Right away, I noticed that you had some issues with run-on sentences. A run-on is a sentence in which two or more independent clauses (complete sentences) are joined without appropriate punctuation or conjunction. This is generally considered a stylistic error, though it is occasionally used in literature and may be used as a rhetorical device. An example of a run-on is a comma splice, in which two independent clauses are joined with a comma without an accompanying coordinating conjunction. The mere fact that a sentence is long does not make it a run-on sentence; sentences are run-ons only when they contain more than one independent clause. A run-on sentence can be as short as four words–“I drive she walks.” In this case, there are are two independent clauses: two subjects paired with two intransitive verbs. So as long as clauses are punctuated appropriately, a writer can assemble multiple independent clauses in a single sentence; in fact, a properly constructed sentence can be extended indefinitely. There are many ways to fix a run-on sentence. For example, a run-on sentence would be like,”It is nearly half past five we cannot reach town before dark.” One way to fix this would be to separate it into two different sentences, however, this many disconnect related independent clauses and cause some of the meaning to be lost–“It is nearly half past five. We cannot reach town before dark.” Another way is to use a semicolon. This maintains the connection between the clauses while ensuring a pause between the two ideas–“It is nearly half past five; we cannot reach town before dark.” Lastly, you can use a coordinating conjunction with a comma–“It is nearly half past five, so we cannot reach town before dark.”

The main problem with your sentences (run-on sentences) is that you always have a coordinating conjunction. But you never have a comma aiding it. Make sure that whenever you have a coordinating conjunction [so, and, but, if, etc] you have a comma by it as well. If not, it's on the same level as a regular run-on sentence.

There is a reason why pro-nouns exist. In linguistics and grammar, a pronoun is a word that substitutes for a noun or noun phrase. The use of pronouns often involves anaphora, where the meaning of the pronoun is dependent on another referential element. This applies particularly to the (third-person) personal pronouns. The referent of the pronoun is often the same as that of a preceding (or sometimes following) noun phrase, called the antecedent, of the pronoun. For example, in the sentence That poor man looks as if he needs a new coat, the antecedent of the pronoun he is the noun phrase that poor man. (Pronouns used without antecedents are sometimes called unprecursed pronouns.) Another type of antecedent is that found with relative pronouns, as in the woman who looked at you, where the woman is the antecedent of the relative pronoun who.

Correction(s)

Chapter 1

1) Mistake–“He wasn't really talkative and likes to take his time for things.”

1) Correction–“He wasn't really talkative, and likes to take his time to do things.”

2) Mistake–“Not even when he had wet his pants during a sleepover at Jackson's house in Jackson's bed which Jackson had let him sleep because they were buddies.”

2) Correction–“Not even when Mark had wet the bed during a sleepover at Jackson's house–which Jackson had let him sleep in because they were buddies.”

Flow 14/15–Perfect. I really love how organized you story is. Although I feel like when you introduced Yoona, I didn't quite get the importance of her. But, over all, you did a great job at creating a compact pace of story.

Enjoyment 4/5–I have mixed feelings about your story. I really love the plot and the main two characters. They just fit my preferences so much. But as for something that I don't like, I feel like there are just too many excess side characters. I think you should put a more detail on the importance of Yoona, since at first, I was quite sure how she fit as like an antagonist or something.

Structure 4/5–I feel like your paragraph spacings are way too wide-spread. There are sometimes when they're small, and then there are some that are just way too big. I really think you should keep your paragraph spacings the same, unless you add more for dramatic effect. Besides from this, there is nothing else wrong with your structuring.

Overall 85/100–I really love your plot, it has so much potential and it's really unique in my opinion. I really love how you created such a subtle story, but there is still in it. You really created a new genre than the usual fad. Your grammar isn't bad at all, but please watch out for run-on sentences and please remember to use pronouns. Your side characters are a little bit like excess baggage, there really is no need to the names of them there if they're not gonna affect the story.