The Way We Are Now

http://www.asianfanfics.com/story/view/726563

About: drama, oneshot, luhan, chorong, exopink, lurong, chohan

Bleu
Finished on 7/14/2014

Title 2/5–I don't understand your title at all. Like, it doesn't really make sense with your story. If you had something more about events that both Luhan and Chorong want to be back to before Luhan left it would be better. But, I really don't understand your title. You're missing a lot of background information, and because of that, I think that's why your title isn't that much of an impact as you would have wished it to be.

Foreword 8/10–Your description is perfect the way it is, it is really intriguing and it definitely enchants the readers into wanting to keep reading your story. You do really great at perceiving what information you want your readers to read, and conceiving the information that you want your readers to find out as they keep reading.

I don't enjoy your foreword whatsoever, there really isn't anything in it. I really wished you would have at least took some time to write something there. It doesn’t have to be something new, it can be a quote from a famous person, or something from the story as well. Length doesn't matter, as long as there's something there, and it gives at least some information then it's fine. I think your main mistake on this page is your foreword, you left it blank but an author note. An author note isn't appealing whatsoever. If I were you, I would write probably an excerpt from the story and put it below in the foreword section, and then add a horizontal line and then have the author note right below it.

To be honest, I really don't like the middle-branching you did in your description it really didn't make that much sense. When you do middle-branching make sure that when you read it, the atmosphere it's giving is good. If not, then it'll just be another unnecessary comma in the way of the reader's reading. Just with having “dear” in your middle branch really didn't work with the rest of the sentence, it didn't sound right when you try to read it out loud. Please be careful with your branchings.

When you wrote 5, I think it would look a lot better if you just wrote it as “five”, maybe it's just because the look of the numerical really didn't comprehend with the rest of the story. So, I would recommend you just writing “five” instead of “5”.

Whenever you're writing a poem with stanzas, make sure you have commas, periods, or ellipses at the end of each stanza. This shows where the reader should pause or keep going on.

Something you can do with your foreword is either add an excerpt, monologue, or a quote/poem. An excerpt is to select a passage for quoting, or to take or publish extracts from a book or etc. A monologue is a form of dramatic entertainment, comedic solo, or the like by a single speaker. A prolonged talk or discourse by a single speaker, especially one dominating or monopolizing a conversation. Any composition, as a poem, in which a single person speaks alone. A part of a drama in which a single actor speaks alone. And a quote/poem, I think you already know this so there is no need for me to explain.

Correction(s)

1) Mistake–“You have killed me, but never my love.”

1) Correction–“You may have killed me, but my love for you will live on.”

2) Mistake–“You are my sunshine, my only sunshine”

2) Correction–“You are my sunshine, my only sunshine,”

3) Mistake–“You make me happy when skies are grey”

3) Correction–“You make me happy when the skies are grey,”

4) Mistake–“You never know, dear, how much I love you”

4) Correction–“You don't know dear, how much I love you.”

5) Mistake–“Please don't take my sunshine away”

5) Correction–“Please don't take my sunshine away...”

6) Mistake–“The other night, dear, as I lay sleeping”

6) Correction–“The other night dear, as I lay asleep,”

7) Mistake–“I dreamt I held you in my arms”

7) Correction–“I dreamt myself holding you in my arms,”

8) Mistake–“When I awoke, dear, I was mistaken”

8) Correction–“When I had awoken dear, I was mistaken,”

9) Mistake–“So I hung my head, and I cried”

9) Correction–“So I hung my head, and cried.”

10) Mistake–“5 years have past and Luhan finally came back from China to win back his love.”

10) Correction–“Five years have past, and Luhan has finally came back from China to reclaim those he loved.”

Plot 7/20–Okay hold it now. I have absolutely no idea what was going on in the beginning of your story. What was Luhan doing? I was really confused cause you pretty much when straight to the , where was the rising action? I have absolutely no idea what you were trying to comprehend to the readers, since I got absolutely none of that. I really think you should add some background information before all this, I mean, what was Luhan talking about Xiumin? I'm super confused.

How did Chorong come unprepared? You gave no description on what she was doing wrong. Was she just like, doing something wrong? I'm super confused on what Chorong did wrong, and how she felt like she was going to the wrong interview. Also, what did Luhan ask from Xiumin? What was the favor?

You started your story with so much stuff going on without any rising action, I'm completely displeased, there is nothing that's giving me any information on what just happened. You just immediately skipped to something, was it like, where were you expecting your readers to understand or find this information?

Overall, I feel like this story was like a crapload of stuff that shouldn't be there. I'm sorry that this may be mean and all, but it's the truth. I just felt like you threw everything you were thinking into one page, and you didn't even bother to have any transition or any background story. There are just so many holes in your plot, that it's completely hard to read.

Characters 10/20–I'm completely astonished by your characters. I didn't get any character development from your story at all. What did Luhan do to make Chorong so angry? Did he just abandon her? And that's why she's so angry? What did Luhan do to Xiumin? I'm so confused on everything, there is absolutely no background information whatsoever, and you started your story with characters that have already peaked. I really think you need a lot more background information or else your story will be just empty. Who is Xiumin? Was he a friend of Luhan and Chorong?..

Grammar and Spelling 19/20–Your grammar is absolutely perfect, with only small simple mistakes. Too bad that your perfect grammar went to waste with this story.

Enjoyment 0/5–I personally did not like this story at all, although your grammar and spelling was perfect, your story was far from prefect. There was just way too many holes in it, and there was no background information whatsoever. You pretty much threw everything you thought off on the spot into your story, there was no transition whatsoever. I felt really disappointed by your story, it's just so vague. So what really happened between Luhan and Chorong? How did Chorong mess up her interview? There was no information whatsoever about the interview. Why was Luhan there in the first place?

Structure 5/5–Your structure is perfect, just the way it is. There is nothing wrong with it, and you know exactly what do to with your formatting.

Overall 51/85=60/100–I think your one major problem that is causing all of these holes in your story is that you think that your readers know everything. Please remember, some things may be obvious to you because you created this story. You know all the twists and how your characters should be. You know all the background information, the events that happen, and everything. But please remember, the readers do not. It's as if the readers are the newborn babies, and you're the adult, it's your job to teach them how to walk and crawl. So please, guide your readers.