Paradise in the Ocean of Light
http://www.asianfanfics.com/story/view/645886/paradise-in-the-ocean-of-light-infinite-mystery-myunggyu-gyuyeol-nell-tasty

About: NELL, Infinite, Tasty, mystery, horror, gore

Katrina
Finished 2/23/14

Title: 5/5 Wow, great reference. After I read your foreword, I just have to say this is a great title. It's creative and relates to the story in a discreet way. For example, "Frankenstein" is also good, but it just relates directly to the story, and your title is vague yet specific at the same time. Great title.

Foreword: 8/10 While I do like how you kept your foreword short, it's too simple. It doesn't tell the readers a lot about the plot except that it's a mystery involving two crimes, but what's going on? What will happen? Give more details.

Plot: 20/20 So far I like it. It's pretty original, and you don't hesitate to describe the gore and bloodiness, so full marks for plot. Usually in these types of mystery, the write tends to not write out the gore and horror, but you do.

Characters: 18/20 You don't really focus on character, but on background instead. Try to include a few more thoughts from your characters. You do include some, but it's not enough. Try to blend character and background instead of separating the two.

Grammar and Spelling: 18/20 You have a few run-on sentences. If you are unsure of whether a sentence is a run-on or not, use either a comma or semi-colon. There are some moments where you would switch from past to present tense, but there are very few.

Chapter one, P(aragraph)9 "Owls distant hooting, cicadas deafening calling, and the wolves' blood-curdling howls marked the end of the day." should be 'The owls' distant hooting, the cicadas' deafening calling, and the wolves' blood-curdling howls marked the end of the day.'
2. P11 "...seporating the village from the dangerous wilderness..." should be '...separating the village from the dangerous wilderness...'

Chapter two, P4 "...perhaps even impossible for odinary citizens, to tell where one corspe ended and the other started..." should be '...perhaps even impossible for ordinary citizens to tell where one corspe ended and the other started...'
2. P5 "...cleanly off their frames, sprinckled onto the corpses..." should be '...cleanly off their frames, sprinkled onto the corpes...'
 

Flow: 15/15 Normally I would want you to add some background information before starting the story, but since this is a mystery, it's not really necessary. It would look better if background information is added in gradually.

Enjoyment: 4/5 Perhaps it's because your characters lack emotion, but it brings down the story since character is an important factor.

Structure: 5/5 This is only my personal opinion, but you should either bold or italic your author notes in the story since they blend in with the story too well. Otherwise, everything's neat and organized.

Overall: 93/100 Great plot, amazing details, and good flow. I love how you provide a prologue to give a sense of mystery before starting on the story. The only thing you need to work on is character emotion because your characters seem really empty. They don't feel like actual human beings. Try to write from their shoes. Think of how you would feel if you're them in that situation and then write it down. It's kind of like a diary.