amaliajosee
❁Crimson Twilight Review Shop❁ {PAUSED/Finishing requests}The World He Takes Pictures In
About: infinite, missa, myungsoo, romance, slifeoflife, suzy, myungzy
Bleu
Finished on 2/13/2014
Title 3/5–The title is a bit too long, a title should usually only be atleast 5 words or less, if not, it would hardly be called a title, more of a phrase or quote. Another thing is, I don't feel like the title is that relevant to the story. I wish it would be something Suzy and Myungsoo could be hugely related too. I suggest something like,”The World We Live In”. Since after all, this story is based on how Suzy and Myungsoo see in their world. Also, if you do decide to pick your original title instead, I suggest adding some more scenes about how he takes his pictures. Cause I feel like that's the one thing that you're lacking currently.
Foreword 6/10– You should reduce the spacings between the two paragraphs, the spacing is too widespread, and it made me almost not notice the bottom pargraph about the girl. Also, I like how you used repetition all your sentences, and you made sure you didn't use too much so I wouldn't be redundant. I feel like your sentences don't quite make sense, your readers are barely able to understand what your concept is. Your concept has a deep potential, but the way you wrote your foreword didn't quite execute it well enough. I feel like there are times where you use the pronouns 'his' and 'her' at times where there is no need for them. And you add verbs that are not needed, since there is no cause along with it. I personally would have enjoyed if the two paragraphs were in the description instead, and the foreword could have been a prefix or monologue. Cause I feel like your foreword doesn't quite give enough information, well not as much as I would have liked it would have. The only thing I have to complain about your repetition is the last three sentences in each paragraph is rather, redundant. It just seems to lack 'class', it's a bit overuse, and you can't see the light coming from it anymore. It's rather dull to put it to fact.
❁“The world he takes pictures in is not just an ordinary world for him.
It was a world where he did know that he would leave soon.
In the very same world, he met someone who made him wanted to stay in that world forever.
He wished he could do it.
He wished he could erase her pains.
He wished he could be with her forever.”
should be,”The world he takes pictures in is an abnormal world for him.
It was a world where he knew he couldn't stay forever.
In that very same world though, he met someone who changed that concept.
He wished he was able to stay in this world.
He wished he was able to erase her pains.
He wished he was able to be with her forever.
The reason I wanted to change this paragraph was because the concept wasn't executed properly. I was able to understand the concept, but the way you wrote it didn't make it clear enough, I had to think for a pretty long time to understand it, replacing words, rearranging etc. I wanted to add some variety into your paragraph, because it was rather dull, so I added some synomyns to your words. Also, you ended up overusing some pronouns where they were unnessary, I tried to change it a little bit, but I didn't wanna ruin your initial planning. Also you weren't quite clear on it, but why did he wish he could do it? What is this 'it'?
❁The world where she writes stories in is not just an ordinary world for her.
It was a world where everyone she loved with her all left her.
In the very same world, she met someone who made her to erase her pains in her heart.
She wished she could do it.
She wished she could make him to stay.
She wished she could be with him forever.”
should be,”The world where she writes stories in is an abnormal world.
It was a world where every she loved, had all left her in the end.
In that very same world though, she met someone who was able to erase the pains in her heart.
She wished she was able to do that as well.
She wished she was able to make him stay.
She wished she was able to be with him forever.
The reason I wanted to change this paragraph was because it was the same as the first one, the concept wasn't executed properly, so it took some time to organized what you meant. I really wondered though, what do you mean when “she wished she could do it” do what? To be able to erase the pains in her heart? It's rather unclear.
Plot 15/20–When you listed what you Myungsoo was snapping a picture one in chapter one, I feel like you really needed some transitoins in there, they way you wrote it didn't have a special ring to it. Also, that paragraph wasn't really interesting, I feel like this paragraph should be made more important, after all, it is the rising action to the point where he meets the 'girl'. I suggest changing the words up, or switching some of the words with something else to make it more interesting. I personally don't like the way you introduced the girl's name, and you waited until chapter two to tell it. I feel like it should have been a more important situation. It feels rather odd how fast Myungsoo had grown an attraction to Suzy, and the fact that Myungsoo's parents quickly told her about his illness. I wish there was some more action inbetween. You did a pretty good job foreshadowing in the beginning of chapter four, I felt like you were trying to say that Suzy's mother knew Myungsoo in the past. I really like the way you ended the story, it was really funny, and it really made me happy. You didn't have to simply tell that he survived straightforward, instead, you did it in another way.
Characters 16/20–Did Myungsoo's parents tell him that he could only live until he was 23? Or did Myungsoo find out during the time he heard the doctor talk to the wife and husband? I find it unbelieveable that the parents didn't bother to tell him, rather mary-sue. But I can see how his parents wanted him to live a normal life without knowing about his illness. I find it rather unrealistic that Myungsoo got so attracted to Suzy to early in the story. And I'm rather confused why he wrote sorry on her palm. Another thing is, it's also unrealistic how Myungsoo's parent's were so non-hesitant to tell Suzy about his illness, when they never bothered to even tell Myungsoo.
Grammar and Spelling 17/20–You should always put the adjective before the verb, that is what makes it an ad-verb, the -ad is in front of the -verb. -Ad standing for adjective. You also have a tendency of switching your tenses in the middle of a paragraph, remember, if you're talking about the past use the past-tense, if you're talking about the present use the present-tense. Once you choose a tense for your paragraph, always stick with it, never change it. Unless you suddenly decided to have a time skip, or change to talking about the tense, but if you do choose to do that, you always start with a new paragraph. You overuse the word 'prettily', have you thought of using synomyns? Such as, gracefully, elegantly, gorgeously, beautifully, etc. You seem to forget putting a period before the apostrophe, and there are times where you have a question mark and comma, there is only a need for one of them, which in your case, is the question mark. At the end of chapter 5, where you used repetition, it was too redundant. You overused it too much.
❁”It was spring, flower petals was falling prettily on the ground.” should be,”It was Spring, flower petals were gracefuly falling on to the ground.”
The reason I had decided to change this was because you should always capitalize seasons, even if it doesn't have a special attribute to your story. Also, you should always put the adjective before the verb, that is what makes it an ad-verb, the -ad is in front of the -verb. -Ad standing for adjective. Also, flower petals don't fall on the ground, they fall to the ground.
❁”Flower petals fall prettily on the ground, a couple ate their breakfasts together, children played soccer together, a business man checked his phone while sitting on the bench, a girl walked out her dog, he snapped anything caught his attention.” should be,”Flower petals gracefully falling on the ground, a couple eating their breakfast together, children playing soccer together, a business man checkin ghis phone while sitting on the bench, a girl walking out her dog, he snapped anything that caught his attention.”
The reason I had decided to change this paragraph was because you used the wrong tense. Myungsoo is doing this during the present, not the past. So you shouldn't use past-tense verbs, which would make readers input that you're talking about the past. Also, you forgot the state-of-being verb at the last sentence.
Flow 13/15–During chapter one, when Myungsoo was trying to capture the girl's stolen bag, you mentioned that he quickly caught the man, took the bag, and handed him to the police at the scene. I was wondering, why was the police already at the scene? The way you wrote it, it made it seem like that happened in mere minutes, did Myungsoo call the police early on, or was the police there in the first place.
Enjoyment 4/5–I personally enjoyed your story, except for a few flow problems here and there. And the fact that Myungsoo's relationship with his parents was rather, mary-sue. And the fact that his parents were so non-hesitant to tell Suzy about his illness. I wish you would have given a more better description of his detail, was it just a regular heart disease? Was it something he was born with? Or something he had obtain later on in this life.
Structure 4/5–I noticed that you sometimes talk about the past, or you have timeskip to the past, whenever you do that, you should always have the text look different than the rest of the story. I suggest having the font a light gray, or unless you don't like that idea, you could italacize it. Your font size, type, and color is prefect the way it is. Nothing to complain about whatsoever.
Overall 78/100–Your story has a really brilliant potential, expecially your foreword. However, you have some problems with the way you try to execute it though. You should always remember to put a period before the apostrophe, and you should never put a question mark or exclamation point together with a comma. Lastly, you had a bit of flow problems here and there, and you tend to overuse the words 'prettily'. You also have some problems with switching tenses every now and then. Although you have your flaws, you are really good at staying away from run-off sentences, which is something every writer has problems with.
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