Unchained

http://www.asianfanfics.com/story/view/445292/unchained-drama-ljoe-romance-bap-youngjae

About: Lee Ha Rin(OC)+Youngjae(BAP), L.Joe(Teen Top), romance, drama, bap, original character

Bleu
Finished on 6/18/2014

Chapters Read 26/26

Title 3.5/5–At first, I felt like you truly knew how to bring your title to life. I mean, you made such a great reference in your foreword plus description. I thought you could have had the skills to bring the most out of your title, although I guess I had overestimated a little bit. I read all twenty-six of your chapters, and I barely ever saw the words “unchained” or anything along those lines again. I felt like, if only you kept the repetition alive that it could have done so much more with your story. Your title didn't reappear again in your story, and that had certainly met me down tremendously. I kept thinking to myself that you would bring it up later in the story, but after twenty-six chapters, I soon lost hope in that. The phrase,”4 words, 100 heartbeats” really spoke to me. I really enjoyed that phrase, I felt like it could be title appropriate. If you do feel like unchained isn't the title you were looking for, I certainly recommend the title “Four Words. One Hundred Heartbeats” or anything along those lines.

Foreword 6/10–The first thing I noticed about your foreword is that it's rather rambunctious. Meaning, that the proportions are rather big. I mean, your font is too big for the page it makes it really hard to read. You may not think that it makes a lot of difference whether your font is big or small or what font you have, but it does. Your font size, type, and color helps mend the atmosphere of your story. In your condition, I feel like your font should go down a size or two. Especially your trailer, in my opinion, it should be more mysterious and have more suspense. But in your case, since your font is a lot bigger, it makes me not take your “trailer” as serious as it should be taken.

Something else that I don't quite enjoy is your formatting. Why is everything that supposed to help the reader ONLY in the “Description” area? I feel like, having a foreword only being an author note is completely unacceptable. A description's job is to attract the reader with it's pheromones. A description needs to have the following...good formatting, aspects that intrigue the reader, phrases/sentences that don't give the information–but instead is attractive enough to attract the reader to keep reading onward to the foreword. As for the foreword, a forewords job is to give the readers the information. Once the description attracts the readers and the readers would want to read on, they see the foreword. The foreword must include the following; information that isn't too much or too little but enough to satisfy the reader, information that brings the reader into more depth of the story, and finally, the foreword should be able to keep the readers attention and make them want to keep going forward throughout the story.

Now as I go into more depth into your “trailer” and the writings in it, I noticed that it's rather straightforward and it doesn't show much writing skills. I mean, you're basically naming the events that are going to happen in the story, and by doing so, it didn't do anything to affect me. I didn't have the chance to really use my brain and figure it out. Although this may seem hard to believe, readers enjoy books that let them be involved as well, meaning, the readers have the ability to predict what's going to happen and etc. But in your situation, the readers don't have the chance to do this. Since after all, you told them everything.

I would suggest moving your whole character listings to your foreword, as I see it currently, your description is way too long. For your foreword, I would have a quote from the story (it has to have a great, deep, meaning) at the top of your foreword. And then, right below it, have your characters. Your character list, of shall I say, cast list, is way too vague. I wish you gave like descriptions about these characters. But if you choose to add description, make sure the description isn't too deep in that there is nothing else to develop in the story. As of right now, your character list doesn't make much impact to the story, I mean, it's just a name and a picture, what else is there? I would at least wished you have I don't know, at least one sentence about this character? I can't necessarily help you with these sentences since after all, you're the creator of these characters, it's not in my position to alternate these characters into something that you wouldn't wish them to be.

Now let's look at your grammar, there aren't any grammar mistakes, but I would like to change your wordings so that it'll be make your readers feel more interesting. Also, as I change your wordings, it would also help shape the atmosphere into something that would fit the story more. Something about your grammar is that I noticed that you really like to overuse pronouns. Such as the pronoun “She”, although I understand how there aren't many options, I would absolutely recommend to use the following every now and then,”Ha Rin, She, Her” or, if you want to go more higher level, remove the pronoun all around. There isn't always a need for a pronoun, as long as you know how to go through the loopholes.

I noticed that you sometimes double-space, I understand that there are sometimes opportunities to do so. But I would absolutely not recommend that if you're going to go back and forth from single-spacing and double-spacing. The way I'm going to correct it is going to be single-spacing, but you can always switch it to double-spacing if you prefer. The reason why is that not a lot of people in this community know that double-spacing is appropriate, so I'll be using the bandwagon single-spacing so no one will be thinking that you did something wrong. Also, whenever you have an ellipsis, you don't need any spacings before and after it, since after all, it's meant to connect these two phrases, same goes for any dashes and semi-colons.

Lastly, whenever you use Korean phrases, such as “Queenka”, always make sure to have the definition somewhere. I don't care if it's just out of nowhere, or whatever placement it is, as long as it's there it is fine. The reason I'm so strict about this category is that you have to understand that not everyone knows what these Korean phrases mean. And, some people don't have the resources to search it up or etc.

Your foreword plus description made me believe that your story was quite cliché. A girl that loses her trust do to a mental injury. But then suddenly, a guy (who is perfect) comes in and will help mend this injury. Doesn't this sound quite cliché to you? I mean, if you were to have read a bunch of fanfiction to get a brief explanation of successful stories, then you would have read these types of stories a bunch of times. Although, this is only my perspective from just reading this page. Who knows, your story could be totally different than cliché? I'm just trying to tell you the perspective of the story that I got from reading your foreword+description.

There isn't much give and take, it's just take. You're just telling the readers the whole plot line and all the action that's going to happen. There is nothing the readers will have to “learn” or “figure out” when you're already telling them it with 100% handicaps. It's like your underestimating the readers abilities and you don't feel like if you don't tell them what's going to happen, they won't figure it out. I guess this is what you would call underestimating your readers abilities and their reading abilities, such as, comprehension.

As I read throughout your “trailer”, I see a time line being formed. There are different events every sentence, but, there are no description. How did this happen? Are you going to describe it more in the story? Or are you going to start your story at the moment she meets “him”. I feel like, for a foreword, it has quite too many holes and I don't feel like your story completely filled in these holes. Although it may seem rare, but, your “trailer” didn't quite give me much of an impact. I mean, it was rather straightforward so I couldn't quite grasp on anything.

Corrections

1) Mistake–“Ha Rin was a regular girl once. She was a school Queenka with loads of friends, everyone loved her. She was a bright, bubbly person who did her best at everything. But one day, that all changed. After her mother died in a car accident, her father walked out leaving her to fend for herself with no money and no where to live.”(Located at Trailer, first paragraph)

1) Correction–“Ha Rin always thought she had a perfect life, nothing could have gone so wrong to change that mindset of hers. Not only was she a Queenka at school, she had loads of friends, and everyone loved her. Bright, bubbly, always trying her best at everything. Not everyone has a “Happily Ever After” ending though, what will become of her as her mother dies in a car accident, and to top that off, her father walks out on her–leaving Ha Rin only to fend for herself with no money and no where to live.” (Relocate at Trailer, first paragraph)

2) Mistake–“She quickly learnt to trust no one and that she could only rely on herself. Quickly she grew distant. Her friends ignored her as she kept to herself. She became an outcast, in a cruel, unaccepting world.” (Located at Trailer, second paragraph)

2) Correction–“She quickly learned to trust no one, as all they will do is stab your back one day. All Ha Rin had to rely on was none other than herself. Not long she had no more friends, no one wanted to hang out with the girl that suddenly went from Miss Popular to a nobody. An outcast, that was what she was. An outcast, in a cruel, unwelcoming world. (Relocated at Trailer, second paragraph)

3) Mistake–“She graduates high school and makes her way to university where she meet him. A popular, sweet guy, whose only intentions are to mend her shaken heart. Will she learn to let go of the past and finally trust again? Will she finally be … unchained?” (Located at Trailer, third paragraph)

3) Correction–“Graduating from high school was her escape from the hell she called school. But, university was the re-entrance back into it. Ha Rin didn't expect much, but not until she bumped into him. Popular, sweet, could anybody be less perfect? His intentions weren't full of malice, but with intentions to mend her shaken heart. Will Ha Rin finally be able to let go of the past and finally trust again? Will she finally be...unchained?” (Relocated at Trailer, third paragraph)

Plot 17/20–I noticed that you automatically started your story with her first day at university, I was rather disappointed by this abrupt decision making. I would have definitely enjoyed your story more if you had gave a prologue or introduction paragraph that is based on what happened to Ha Rin before university. I mean, your foreword didn't give the most in-depth description. I would have liked to know what really happened with her family, what drove them to do that? Also, how did Ha Rin keep to herself? Was it just like, because of the abrupt mental injury that had happened to her? Because you didn't give enough description about the back story, it made us readers feel like the holes you had created in your foreword plus description, wasn't completely filled.

In chapter two, the thirteenth paragraph, you mentioned that Ha Rin was the last person to leave the classroom right? Well, how come there was something waiting at the doorway and tripped her? I was quite confused because I wasn't sure whether or not you meant the doorway to the school's entrance, or the doorway to her classroom entrance. Please provide some pronouns or nouns to give more description about this detail, cause obviously, it did bring some confusion to me.

Overall, I feel like your story is a little bit too cliché for my likings. Although you did a very well job at keeping the readers attention though. You did amazing at putting twists, cliffhangers, and a lot of suspense while still keeping the fluffy, angst, romance, genre you were going for. Another thing I would like to say is, don't you think the idea of a girl meeting a perfect guy is a little bit overused? I really enjoy how you really kept my attention though, you made sure your story was interesting enough to cover up the flaws you have.

Characters 16/20–From what I've read in the first chapter, you did really good at completely bringing out Ha Rin's background. You did a great job at compelling to your readers that Ha Rin no longer cared about popularity, assuming from how she didn't care she went to university all wet. You, as the author, also did a great job at representing how poor she was. You gave many details showing that she no excess money to re-decorate her apartment, and she barely had any money to pay for the taxi ride.

How does Ha Rin have the money to afford the alcohol she is drinking in chapter three? You mentioned that she lived alone, and not only does she pay for apartment fees and university fees, she dare have the money to pay to be able to drink alcohol? You gave no prior knowledge whether or not she had a job so I'm wondering, where does she get this money from?

In chapter seven, while Ha Rin was taking a shower and putting on those clothes. I was absolutely surprised on how calm she was reacting? She was in a house she hasn't been in before, and neither did she know the owner of the house, or how she even got there. How could she have been so lenient and put on clothes a stranger had?

I don't like how you introduced the rest of the B.A.P members. I mean, you gave no back story, description, or even a description of their looks, or have them talked once. I mean, what kind of introduction is that? I absolutely despise it when people introduce characters and they don't even bother to give them much action in the plot. Don't introduce characters and give them names, when you aren't going to use them that much.

Grammar and Spelling 15/20–Something I would like to noticed is that you often switch from college and university. There is a major difference between college and university, and from what I've read, Ha Rin goes to a university not a college. So, just stick with university or else your readers will get confused on what you mean.

Something else I had noticed is that you sometimes get mixed up with the correct forms of there, their, and they're. I'm sure you know the differences by now, but I'll just refresh your memory a little bit. Use there to refer to a physical or abstract place. Usually, if you can replace there with here in the same sentence, and it still makes sense, then you are using it correctly. Use they're as a contraction for they are. Usually, if you can replace they're with they are in the same sentence, and it still makes sense, then you are using it correctly. Lastly, use their to show possession, commonly followed by a noun. Usually, if you can replace their with our in the same sentence, and it still makes sense, then you are using it correctly. [x]

Another thing I would like to say is that whenever you use Korean phrases, such as “Ahjussi” or “Saranghae”, you should definitely put a section in your story that tells the readers what these words actually mean. Not everyone has the resources to search these words up, and especially when you spell these words wrong. When you spell these words wrong (such as in chapter one, eighth paragraph) it'll be even harder for the reader to figure out what these words actually mean.

Another thing I noticed was that you have some troubles when you're writing dialogue. For example, you always seem to end a dialogue sentence with a comma and not continuing anymore. This is rather weird, since you don't usually end with a comma do you? You should end with a period instead. Another thing is, when you use the form of dialogue with name tags you should always make sure you know what to capitalize and where to put a comma or a period. If you have any questions on this particular detail, please do ask me in the comment section.

Some minimal mistakes that I've noticed repetitively and I didn't feel the need to write them down constantly was that you should always capitalize the “Young” in “Gi Young” as well. I mean, they're supposed to be a connected name, so there is no reason that it shouldn't be capitalized. Another thing is that is when you have words such as “Kingka” or “Queenka” you sometimes switch from it being capitalized and non-capitalized. Although there isn't a certain way it should be written, it's best to keep it to only one way and to not switch back and forth.

Also, whenever you have an ellipsis, you don't need any spacings before and after it, since after all, it's meant to connect these two phrases, same goes for any dashes and semi-colons.

Corrections

1) Mistake–“The sky was dark, almost like the thunderstorm covered the whole city of Seoul. Ha Rin sat at the window, staring at passers below struggling to escape the merciless rain...Almost Peaceful”(Located at chapter one, first paragraph)

1) Correction–“The sky was dark, almost like the thunderstorm had covered the whole city of Seoul. Ha Rin sat near the window, staring below at the citizens who were struggling to escape the merciless rain...Almost peaceful.”(Relocate at chapter one, first paragraph)

2) Mistake–“To see a bunch of upperclass people trying there hardest to protect their image and a broke college student standing still, embracing the rain.”(Located at chapter one, sixth paragraph)

2) Correction–“To see a bunch of upper class people trying their hardest to protect their image and a broke university student standing still, embracing the rain.”(Relocated at chapter one, sixth paragraph)

3) Mistake–“ Ajussi, take me to Seoul University please.” (Located at chapter one, eighth paragraph)

3) Correction–“Ahjussi, take me to Seoul University please.” (Relocated at chapter one, eighth paragraph)

4) Mistake–“Mianhae.” He bowed, “I'm so clumsy,” (Located at chapter one, tenth paragraph)

4) Correction–“Mianhae,” he bowed,”I'm so clumsy.” (Relocate at chapter one, tenth paragraph)

5) Mistake–“Snapping out if his daze he walked towards his friends.” (Located at chapter one, fourteenth paragraph)

5) Correction–“Snapping out of his daze, he walked towards his friends.” (Relocated at chapter one, fourteenth paragraph)

6) Mistake–“The ones showing some resemblance would often point towards her directs and whisper or even laugh and sometimes she could see them giving her pitiful looks.” (Located at chapter two, first paragraph)

6) Correction–“The ones that did show some resemblance however would often point towards her direction and whisper or even laugh, and sometimes, she could see them giving her pitiful looks.” (Relocated at chapter two, first paragraph)

7) Mistake–“Ha Rin settled with her nose in her study textbook, the only fueling her desire to succeed in school was to show her dead beat father that she never needed him. It cannot be expressed in words the hatred she felt for him at that moment, for what he did to her; abandoning her to fend for herself in this cruel, merciless world.” (Located at chapter two, fourth paragraph)

7) Correction–“Ha Rin settled her nose in her textbook, the only thing fueling her desire to succeed in school was to show her dead beat father that she never needed him in the first place. It can't be expressed in words of the hatred she felt for him at that moment, for what he did to her; abandoning her to fend for herself in this cruel, unwelcoming world.” (Relocated at chapter two, fourth paragraph)

8) Mistake–“Annyeong,” He smiled, “My name is Youngjae,” (Located at chapter two, sixth paragraph)

8) Correction–“Annyeong,” he smiled,”My name is Youngjae.” (Relocated at chapter two, sixth paragraph)

9) Mistake–“And you are?” He urged. (Located at chapter two, eighth paragraph)

9) Correction–“And you are?” he urged. (Relocated at chapter two, eighth paragraph)

10) Mistake–“Ha Rin,” She simply answered, not separating her eyes from the notebook.” (Located at chapter two, ninth paragraph)

10) Correction–“Ha Rin,” she simply answered, not separating her eyes once from her notebook.” (Relocated at chapter two, ninth paragraph)

11) Mistake–“The classroom emptied as they teacher dismissed them to go home. In no hurry, Ha Rin leisurely picked up her belongings and walked out. She was the last one to leave the classroom. Everyone else obviously absorbed in their desire to be free from the school. With her bag in hand Ha Rin walked out the door. One of the people she used to call a friend was waiting by the doorway and tripped her.” (Located at chapter two, thirteenth paragraph)

11) Correction–“The classroom emptied as the teacher dismissed them to go home. In no hurry, Ha Rin leisurely picked up her belongings and walked out. She was the last one to leave the classroom. Everyone else was obviously consumed with their desire to be free from the school. With her bag in hand, Ha Rin walked out the door. One of the people she had used to call a friend was waiting by the doorway, and tripped her.” (Relocated at chapter two, thirteenth paragraph)

12) Mistake–“What do you want, Gi young?” (Located at chapter two, fifteenth paragraph)

12) Correction–“What do you want, Gi Young?” (Relocated at chapter two, fifteenth paragraph)

13) Mistake–“Gi young informed” (Located at chapter two, sixteenth paragraph)

13) Correction–“Gi Young informed” (Relocated at chapter two, sixteenth paragraph)

14) Mistake–“He spoke to me, I though it polite to answer him,” (Located at chapter two, seventeenth paragraph)

14) Correction–“He spoke to me, and I thought it would be polite to at least answer him.” (Relocated at chapter two, seventeenth paragraph)

I'm not going to write down any more corrections since it seems rather redundant now, as long as you follow what I wrote in the Grammar and Spelling section it'll be easy for you to fix any mistakes you have in your following chapters. As for any questions you may have about your grammar and/or spelling, please do ask me, let it be in PM, on my wall, or even on our news feed. Please don't hesitate as I'm absolutely willing to help you in anything.

Flow 12/15–I felt like the flow was perfect the way it is. Your transitions were top-notch, and I was never lost once in your story. The only thing I would change is your perspectives or your P.O.V. I mean, sometimes they change rather abrupt and it seems rather confusing or messy actually. Besides from this you do a really good job at using transitions, also, there weren't any major moments when you went too fast or too slow.

Although I'm not quite sure whether or not this belongs in the Flow section but I'll just put it in here for now. I don't like the way you introduce your characters, you bring them in quite abrupt, and in the end, they make no major impact to the story. I understand the use of minor-characters, but minor characters should at least have some purpose. For example, the BAP members, I mean, I don't see any impact from a few of these characters.

Enjoyment 4.5/5–Although I felt like your story was quite cliché in my opinions, the way you wrote it though completely covered it up. You had so many twists and cliffhangers that really spoke to my taste. I wasn't distracted once from the story, and I was completely intrigued. I really loved everything you did to cover up your flaws that even with these flaws in your story, I was still enjoying your story. I really wish Youngjae had some interactions with Ha Rin though, since your story seems more focused on Ha Rin and her brother than Ha Rin and Youngjae.

The only things that I would put as my dislikes would be your lack of character development for Youngjae. I mean, he was completely the same the whole story. I really wanted him to treat her poorly at first, but soon grew to love her and want to unchain her. But, that didn't happen though. I felt like there really wasn't any development for Youngjae, and he was always perfect from the beginning with no flaws whatsoever.

Structure 3/5–Something that I would like to preach about your structure is your font size. It is way too big. Every time I was reading your story, I always made sure my screen was 50%, this shows how bothering the font size was. Whenever a font size is big, it makes the reader feel less focused on the story. For example, I absolutely can't focus when there is big text. I would definitely recommend you to knock about 2 font sizes down to either a size 12 or 14.

Also I know that I explained this in the foreword. But I don't believe that I went into enough depth as I should ahve. Depending on the font size, it can gradually change the legibility of a readers reading. And it can also change the perspective the reader gets. When you have a rather huge font size, such as size 18, the readers will find it less easy to read. It also affects the perspective the reader gets when it reads the story. It's a lot harder to focus and concentrate more when the font size is bigger, and it'll be harder for the readers to comprehend as well as they would if for say, it was a size 14 font.

Starting in chapter two, I found these rather huge paragraph spacings. I mean, they came out of no where. I mean, I understand the meaning to separate your paragraphs to show time, setting, speaker difference. But this time, your spacing was quite too big. I definitely preferred the spacing you did in chapter one more than in chapter two. These huge spacings completely ruined your stories great atmosphere you crafted in chapter one.

Specific Advice Want:

Requester Comment: I would like to know if my characters' relationships and personalities are to jumbled, also if the story line flows smoothly.

Reviewer Reply: From what I've read so far, and I noticed that your story isn't completely finished yet, your characters' relationships and personalities aren't that jumbled. But that is only for Ha Rin and Youngjae though. As for Insoo and Sung Gi, I can't really feel their impact to the story. I know that they must have something to do with how the story is being formed, but I just can't feel it since there isn't much interactions with these two yet. I mean, I barely know who these are currently as I'm up to the twenty-six chapter. I really want them to have more interactions somehow, and now let's talk about the BAP members now excluding Youngjae. I don't see much development with them, I mean, they're just in the story, nothing really important about them though. As for your story line, it flows absolutely perfectly, there are many flaws and holes, but your writing style does a great job at camouflaging these

holes though. To me, I feel like your story line has a few holes, I mean, how does Ha Rin get the money to afford an apartment and go to Seoul University? I mean, Seoul University is probably a rather high-class school, so it should cost quite a bit of fortune. I don't understand how Ha Rin got the money to go there, or even the money to live before her brother had came into her life again.

Overall 77/100–Your story had quite a few of holes and flaws, but your writing style did an amazing job at covering all these flaws. I was absolutely intrigued to your story the whole time, I mean, I read all twenty-six chapters when I'm only supposed to read six of the chapters, now, doesn't that mean something about your story? I feel like your development (let it be plot or characters) could use a little tweaking though. And lastly, for your grammar and spelling, these mistakes are rather redundant, like always, so they aren't that hard to fix. I really wish that your title,”Unchained”, could have appeared more in your story, I mean, you started your repetition wonderfully in your foreword, but you really displeased me when you completely drove away from that pathway in your story. Anyway, if you have any questions concerning the review or your story, please do ask me. Let it be PM, on my wall, or even on our news feed I would be glad to answer any of your questions.

Favorite Quote in your story: “4 words. 100 heartbeats”