Voicemail
http://www.asianfanfics.com/story/view/620370/voicemail-angst--yongguk-bap-daehyun-bangdae

About: Yongguk(BAP)+Daehyun(BAP), romance, angst,

Roseline
Finished 4/7/14

Note: Extremely sorry for the very late review! It's due to some problems with my virus protection program, and I am very paranoid when it comes to my computer's safety, so I stayed away from most websites until it got fixed, which was literally just a second ago.

Title: 5/5 Even though I skipped ahead to the end of the story to try to find out what the title has to do with the story, I still couldn't find a lot of information. Is there a secret meaning? For example, a voice message is a message recorded for someone to listen to later if they missed it, so is it that Daehyun hides his messages, like his love, for Yongguk until later on for him to find? Either way, your title is original, so full marks.

Foreword: /10 Great foreword! It's simple but reveals a lot of the story's main plot to the readers instead of forcing them to look through the first chapter to find out what the summary is. So far, this is a great way to start the story and get it going. Great job creating a bridge into the story without the use of an excerpt.

Plot: 20/20 The plot outline of one guy using the other person as a toy is not that original, but you change it with your own twists. You make it that they are both guys, they are best friends, one is an idol, and you show Daehyun's agony so perfectly that even readers can feel what he's going through. The plot was a bit dull at the start of the story because it focused a lot on details instead of setting, but then it branched off, and the next thing I know, your story is flowing together and becoming a complete masterpiece.

Characters: 20/20 I wish I can give you more points than just 20 for this because you, my friend, are a genius. You capture the raw emotions of all of your characters so perfectly. You made Daehyun real through the heavy use of details showing his inner turmoil, and you even gave light to your other minor characters like Youngjae through dialogue. You make your characters so passionate that it's hard to believe they're not real people standing next to us.

Grammar and Spelling: 18/20 First of all, amazing details! You can really bring the readers into your story with your vocabulary and long, detailed sentences and make the readers feel like they are standing in the same room as the characters. Second, as much as I hate to say this, your grammar would have been flawless if it weren't for the run-on sentences. They don't occur that often, but there are a few, and the problem is not that you can't end a sentence, but it's that you can't add commas anywhere you want in a story. You can't use a comma to separate two sentences, but you can only use either a conjunction word, period, or a semi-colon. A comma is a pause, not an end. Your only two mistakes are only typos, nothing significant, so amazing job!
Chapter 2(Delire) P(aragraph)40 "He let Yonnguk violate him, he let him sink his presence into his soul, and block..." should be 'He let Yongguk violate him; he let him sink his presence into his soul and block...'

Chapter 4(Salaud) P62 "I'll be there is a few minutes." should be "I'll be there in a few minutes."

Flow: 14/15 Your flow later on in the story is good, but the beginning was kinda of slow and dull. Perhaps it's because you focused on the scenes instead of setting, and you spent a lot of paragraphs describing those scenes. Try to include some setting in the first chapter and the prologue. Otherwise, great flow since it really contributes to Daehyun's inner turmoil and what leads up to it.

Enjoyment: 5/5 The perfect spelling and abundant details gave you full marks for this category.

Structure: 5/5 Your chapter names are really unique! This is the first time I have seen someone name the chapters in French. While a title in a different language is becoming common nowadays, chapter names being in a different language is not yet up to that height, so that's good. This is optional, but it would be cool if you translate your titles in the author notes at the bottom of each chapter. Anyway, the story is really neat, nicely put together, and it looks really professional, like a real book.

Overall: 97/100 Your story is nearly flawless except for a few typos and run-on sentences that can be fixed easily. Besides those two things, your story is amazing and is a true work of genius. You capture the emotions of your characters amazingly with your use of details and passionate writing. You give so much life to your story, I'm surprised this isn't featured.