musingtradegy
❁Crimson Twilight Review Shop❁ {PAUSED/Finishing requests}
L'esprit de L'escalier
About: oneshot, sliceoflife, orginalcharacter, exo, baekhyun, chanyeol, baekyeol
Bleu
Finished on 2/11/2014
Title 5/5–I feel like this is one of the most relevant stories I have ever had. Your title fits your story perfectly, there is nothing to argue about. The only thing I was kinda disappointed was the lack of explanation of the title in your foreword. If I were to see this title, I might somehow scroll through it, but I would be confused on what the title means. The title is really unique and eye-catching, and it's the center focus in the whole story. The Great Predicament, the predicament of thinking of the perfect retort too late. Nothing is too late, and Baekhyun had found that out, he will continue chasing after Chanyeol, his beloved.
Foreword 4/10–Your foreword is rather choppy, and it confusing. There are just some metaphors that just don't seem to connect properly. Another thing is, when you wrote that it's a 'tale of the Storyteller', are you possibly referring to Kang Joohee? Cause if not, it doesn't really make sense then. Also, is there a reason why you capitalized storyteller and romance? It disregards the elements of literature and it's boundaries. Also, and this is something science related but, if two tectonic plates glide past eachother, it is not fine. Cause even if it's a slight fiction, it will still cause seismic waves which could end up making havoc.When you wrote that they don't connect properly, the way you wrote it, it's like you meant that it's possible for them to connect. I mean, convergent plates are able to touch each other, but I'm not sure if you could call that connecting, cause when people usually think of connecting, it's a perfect fit, but if tectonic plates end up converging, it won't be a perfect fit, since each plate goes a different way, they have different patterns. When you wrote that tectonic plates converge, can you make it more specific? Cause there are some that underneath each other, and there are some that create ruptures in the Earth. But I'm not quite sure if they end up connecting though. I feel like the symbolism of using tectonic plates just don't match up, since there are many other possibilities that you didn't include. Also, the word 'Earth' should always be capitalized, no exceptions whatsoever. Your foreword is really confusing, and I personally am not quite sure what you're trying to say. Are you trying to say that Baekhyun first tells the story of L'esprit de L'escalier to his cousin Joohee, and then for some odd reason, the exact story is happen in front of her eyes? If so, can you word it different so it'll make more sense?
❁”His emotions are heavy like tectonic plates with his mind – sometimes they glide past each other and it's fine, sometimes they converge and they don't connect properly.
And all that's left is broken earth.
This is the tale of the Storyteller's Romance.”
should be,”His emotions are heavy like tectonic plates. The more weight it puts on, the more it inflicts his mind.
Sometimes they will glide past each other, without anyone noticing.
Sometimes they end up converging, causing ruptures everywhere it hits.
In the end, all that's left is the broken shards of Earth.
This is a tale of the storyteller's romance.
The reason I had changed this paragraph was mainly because it was rather well, choppy, most of the explaining is in the main section of the story anyway. I felt like it would sound really good if I ended up adding some repetition. Also, I wasn't quite sure wha you mean with 'tectonic plates with his mind', I feel like I somewhat got the idea though.
❁”Baekhyun tells the story of L'esprit de L'escalier to his cousin Joohee, thus the story occurs through her eyes.” should be,”Baekhyun tells the story 'L'esprit de L'escalier' to his cousin Joohee, but who would have thought Joohee would end up seeing the story live in front of her own mere eyes.
This sentence was alreasy really choppy, and confusing. I wasn't quite sure what you were trying to say in this sentene. It was almost like a incomplete sentence, but it lacked details instead. Also, you should always either underline the story title, or put it between apostrophes.
Plot 17/20–I like how the way you told the story was actually something that seemed like Joohee. It wasn't bland, it actually sounded like something a teenage girl would say in this generation. I really like how you use the phrase,”out of all my relatives”,as a compare and contrast. I feel like you have too many events of where it's a flashback of Baekhyun and Chanyeol. I suggest you should just focus on either one or two, not three or four. Focus on the more important ones, if it doesn't have big impact, then don't use it. I feel like the story should be more centered on the development of Chanyeol and Baekhyun's relationship, and not like a daily life thing. Although the flashbacks are overwhelming, without them, the story wouldn't be as rich as it is currently. Baekhyun would continue chasing his beloved, Chanyeol. And then there is Joohee, I feel like she would also start telling the stories Baekhyun told her. It's like a circle, a circle of predicaments.
Characters 18/20–You do a really good job of giving us an excellent description of Baekhyun in the beginning. It isn't boring like most usually are, you give interesting facts, and some pretty funny events. I really like how Joohee's point of view is really interesting, it isn't bland, and it actually sounds like what a teenage girl would say. I really like how Joohee felt about Baekhyun, he was different than the rest of the people she knew, he was special to her. I don't really like the idea of Joohee calling everyone -oppa, it doesn't really fit the personality you gave off from her point of views. Is there a way for you to tone it down a bit? The only thing I was disappointed was the lack of precense of Soo Jung, I wish she could have had a little bit more screen time, after all, I wanted to know if I was gonna hate her or admire her. Everyone of your characters shined brillliantly, they each had their own light to them. Some were black, and some were white.
Grammar and Spelling 18/20–You have a really vast knowledge of words! There are some words that I have never thought of. I noticed throughout the story you use the word “I'd” instead of “I have”. It's not something bad, but I feel like you overused it a bit too much, I think you should mix it up every now and then. Also, when I was reading through your story, you tend to speed up at certain parts, and that's whwere your run-off sentences come in. When you're writing the dramatic scenes, or the scenes that are most important in the story, you tend to forget the details and rush too much. And that's where your run-off sentences come from. Also, your transitions are rather rough, there are times where you just randomly do a setting change, or even a timeskip.
❁”We both came from families that are fairly well off, as my parents are shareholders of a major corporation, and his CEO's of a department store.” should be,”We both came from famlies that are fairy well off, as my parents are shareholders of a major corporation, and his parent's were CEO's of a department store.”
The reason I had thought of changing this sentence was merely because you forgot to mention his parents, you did mention what they worked at and what position they were. But you lacked the element of introducing them properly. The way you had it before made it seem like Baekyhun himself was the CEO.
❁”It was on a warm morning of mid-July during my nineteenth summer when I'd gone down to the dining room downstairs for breakfast that my parents were both seated around the table. Either mom would be too busy with her paperwork and lock herself inside the confiscating cell of an office or Dad would be out of town on another one of his regular business meetings. The last time I recall seeing them together in the house was on my birthday almost a year ago.” should be,”It was on a warm morning of a Mid-June. During my nineteenth summer, I'd gone down to the dining room downstairs for breakfast, but soon did I realize that my parents were both seated around the table. Either mom would be too busy with paperwork, and end up locking herself inside the confiscating cell of an office. Dad would usually be out of town on another one of his regular business meetings.”
This sentence is a major run-off sentence! I was reading this outloud and one I finish this sentence, I was dying for a breath of air. This sentence needs to slow down and give a lot of details. You tend to skip around a lot when you're talking about a dramatic moment.
❁”The shop wasn't well known, but the owners were an old couple with genuine smiles and kind hearts and served the best macaroons. Baekhyun was already there when I arrived, waiting patiently at the window seat with one cup of black coffee and cream and with a tray of colourful biscuits and snacks in front of him.” should be,”The shop wasn't well known, but the owners were an old couple, with genuine smiles and kind hearts, and they served the best macaroons. Baekhyun was already there I had arrived. He was waiting patiently at the window seat with one cup of black coffee and cream, and with a tray of colourful biscuits and snacks in front of him.”
The only thing wrong with this sentence was that you started listing a lot, and there were no commas or pauses what so ever. Which clearly means, this is a hardcore run-off sentence. Also, I feel like this sentence really lacked emotion, I feel like you focused too much on describing and left out the most important part, the heart.(So fricken cheesy omg).
Enjoyment 5/5–I personally really enjoyed reading this story, it was something that I had never experienced before, I feel so nostalgic as I'm writing this currently. It really struck my feelings, although this has never happened to me before. I love Baekhyun's passion, and how Chanyeol is almost a perfect fit for him. The way you wrote this story really struck me in the heart. It was beautiful, it was brilliant, it was a great predicament.
Structure 4/5– First thing first is, what is with the chapter title? It looks really messy, and un-organized. I'm not sure if this was the actual chapter title, or if it was more of like an author note. I feel like you could split your super long paragraphs up a bit, there are just a few with more than one events. Your font size, type, and color are perfect as it is. The only suggestion I have is that is there anyway for you make the font a light gray when you're talking about the past, the time Baekhyun and Chanyeol had together. Cause that way, you can tell it's in the past, and not the current present.
Overall 71/85=84/100–Although I wish I could give you a higher score, there were just some mistakes that I couldn't look over. First thing first is, you tend to rush a lot when you're writing the important scenes, you often leave out the details, and you end up making run-off sentences. Also, your foreword really doesn't make much sense, no matter what point of view I looked at it, there was just some things that were just too confusing. Another thing is, although it is a huge part in your story, is there some way for you to have less flashbacks of Baekhyun and Chanyeol, you can just have the most important ones, since there are some that are unnessary. This story really struck me, it was really brilliant, and it shined really brightly, it was a great predicament.
Comments