(I'm not a) Monster

http://www.asianfanfics.com/story/view/576505/i-m-not-a-monster-angst-khuntoria-nichkhun-oneshot-romance-tragedy-victoria

About: angst, khuntoria, nichkhun, oneshot, romance, tragedy, victoria, f(x), 2pm

Bleu
Finished on 7/23/2014

Chapters Read 1/1

Author Note–Hello, this is Bleu also known as iShiroKins, the reason I'm writing an author's note is because I've realized that you must be quite upset of how late this review is. Please be assured that we did not forget you, or was it because we were lazy and didn't want to work on your review. We have exactly all of the requests in order. Although this isn't a proper or acceptable excuse for having a late request, the reasons why we've been so backed up is because of the following...Okay, so in April-May a lot of members went on vacation and so on, and then, when they came back, it was not long for them to have their finals. This really gave us the worse situation ever, I'm sure you guys, as fellow authors, know how hard it is to balance Asianfanfiction and school finals. I do not think this will be a good enough excuse or apology for you to look away from this mess-up, but please know that we had no means of showing disrespect or ignorance to this review.

Title 4/5–Your title was really relevant to the story. Throughout the whole story, Nichkhun was contemplating whether or not his beloved Victoria was turning into a monster or not. I really love your title, and I think it's rather eye-catching as well. A pretty title is pretty, but a title that is relevant to the story will always win against a pretty title. I love how you didn't have your title as something that just seemed “pretty” you actually thought through with this title, and I think that that's really great. After all, the title is technically one of the first things your readers will read.

I think there was something that you misunderstood or was on the wrong track though. When you have phrasing such as “I'm not a Monster”, the readers would think that Victoria was the one that's saying that. But throughout your whole story, Victoria wasn't the one calling herself a monster, Victoria wasn't the one that was contemplating about whether or not she was becoming a monster. Nichkhun was the one. Instead of “(I'm not a) Monster”, I think it should be “(You're not a) Monster”. Throughout the whole story, Nichkhun was saying to himself that Victoria was turning into a monster, but he always had that small hope inside that she wasn't. Your current title didn't make that much sense since Victoria didn't call herself a monster once, nor did she even know about nicknaming herself a monster. It was Nichkhun doing this the whole time. Maybe you put “I'm” because this story was in Nichkhun's point of view, but remember, Nichkhun is the one calling Victoria a monster, but he never directly called her one. So there is no reason that Victoria would try to defend herself seeing that she was never called a monster by Nichkhun in person.

In my opinion (meaning I won't deduct any points) I find the use of parentheses in your title rather weird looking. Please remember that a title isn't a sentence, it is rather odd to have parentheses in it.

Foreword 8/10–I really love your description, it really attracts your readers into the story, it doesn't give away too much information at all. I love how you were able to at least give your readers a brief explanation of the main topic/concept of the story, but you were still able to give enough suspense or mystery to your story as well. I think that, you do a really great job at introducing stuff, but you seem to have trouble with ending stuff as well.

I feel like your foreword was a little bit too empty, I wish there was just something occupying the foreword section, there's just author notes. I think that you should probably add either an excerpt, monologue, or poem/quote. By doing so, I think it would really help with the story as well. I really felt like your foreword was rather lack lustered, you had a lot of good stuff in your description, but then you really hit rock-bottom in your foreword. I don't know if you just gave up since you didn't have any ideas, or you thought it was fine since you already had a decently good description. Remember that it takes BOTH the description and foreword to really become a harmony for your story, just having one good isn't as good as having both. Remember that just because you succeeded once doesn't mean that you're already all set, there will always be another road in front of you.

I think you have a little trouble with the grammar in your description, I felt like you were repeating stuff over and over again. Like, in 2-3 sentences, I felt like there were just some words that were irrelevant. These words are usually conjunctions that aren't needed. I feel like you should really work on whether or not you need some of the words in your sentences, sometimes, small can be as good or even better than a lot.

Overall, I feel like you did a really great job at your foreword. You gave away some good information, and you were still able to lead your readers on. You had like this atmosphere of melodramatic and bittersweet in your foreword, and I think that really fits with your whole story. I feel like you should have something more in your foreword though, just have author notes and credits isn't good enough. You have a lot of space in your foreword so use the space wisely and put something in it. Also, re-read your description and double-check whether or not all the words are necessary.

Plot 18/20–As I said with your foreword, you have some problems with repeating stuff over and over again. In your plot, around the middle to end, you kept repeating the fact that Nichkhun kept seeing Victoria with the same features; dark circles under her eyes, faded pink lines on her body, a forced or weary smile. I really like the idea of having it occurring more than once in your story, but the amount of times you had it was just a little bit too much.

I feel like the events where Nichkhun saw Victoria were way too alike, I understood you want repetition in your story, but having it too alike isn't too good. I felt like, you should broaden your setting a little bit more, maybe Nichkhun finds Victoria at some other place. Maybe at the studio, recording station, television station, radio station, etc etc. I think that instead of just seeing Victoria at parties or group-hangouts aren't good enough. You have these events over and over again, and sometimes it gets a little bit boring.

I really like how you had many features in your story, and I could clearly tell the plot line in your story. There was everything needed, a resolution, , rising action, falling action, exposition, inciting incident, etc. Your story felt like you weren't confused at all, and you did a great job at staying organized and neat. There was nothing that seemed odd such as unnecessary skipping or etc.

Like I said before, you do a really great job at introducing but you struggle at closing it. I noticed that you started off really strong, you hit all the points and you did a great job at your introduction. But towards the end, it felt like you were starting to show reluctance and starting hesitating. It felt like you were unsure about how to end your story, and it seemed like you were like putting it off. Remember that sometimes, your readers can feel how you were when you're writing. They can tell when you're hesitant, nervous, alarmed, or straightforward.

Characters 20/20–Nichkhun and Victoria was perfect in my opinion. You did a really great job at describing them and you did a great job at really bringing out their personalities and characteristics. I love how you were able to easily make Victoria seem so realistic.

The one thing I enjoyed the most is that when you said “faded pink lines” was found on Victoria. It took me a while to understand what that meant, but then I figured it out that it was actually lines that appeared when Victoria had cut herself. I love how you didn't straightforwardly said that, it was really nice and it really made your story really interesting.

I really enjoyed Victoria's character and personality, it really showed a glimpse of the possible true side of idols and girl/boy groups. Everybody always assumes that it's fun and what not, but they never realized how troublesome and stressful it can be. I really love how your story and characters drifted away from the bandwagon idea of everyone being perfect and having a perfect life but they believe their problems are worth the trouble of others.

Grammar and Spelling 19/20–There are some times where you seem to add some rather unnecessary words into your sentences. Words that are not needed because it's already mentioned and you're just adding extra baggage to your sentences. I think that you should re-read your sentences and then decide whether or not all the words in your sentences are needed there.

Another thing is when you're writing dialogue, the comma needed before the dialogue doesn't need a space after it. Whenever you're writing dialogue and it's in the middle of the sentence or something, it should be “,'” and not “, '”.

Besides from these few mistakes, there is nothing else that's wrong with your grammar and spelling. You do a really great job at everything, you just have a few mistakes.

Enjoyment 4/5–Overall, I really enjoyed your story but I felt like there was just a few things that seemed unnecessary to your story. For example, the amount of times you mention Nichkhun seeing Victoria with; dark circles under her eyes, faded pink lines all over her body, and a forced/weary smile was way too much. Please restrain from over-using phrases or sentences.

Structure 5/5–Perfect, nothing to complain about whatsoever.

Overall 78/85=92/100–I feel like you have troubles with closing up your story. I can really see moments when you were probably hesitant or reluctant to do something. I could really tell since your story seemed a little bit empty towards the end, almost as if you were confused on how to connect your ending with your story.