✪✪✪Perfect Two (ღThree-shot)
http://www.asianfanfics.com/story/view/197751/perfect-two----three-shot-action-donghae-fluff-hyukjae-romance-haehyuk-mpreg

About: Donghae(SUJU)+Eunhyuk(SUJU), romance, mpreg, action,

Roseline
Finished 3/13/14

Title: 4/5 In all honestly, your title feels bland and too general to me. It's almost like you created this title just for the sake of having one. Use a more specific title that relates to one thing in the story, like "Mutations", for example (though it's not a very good one).

Foreword: 9/10 Well, first of all, there is a rule for numbers in stories, and that rule is that if the number is less than 10, it's written in word form, but if it's higher than 10, it's written in number form. In your foreword, "3 years already" and "6 months" should be written in word form. Also, you have two typo in the sentence, "...Hyukjae was pregnant of the world's..." should be '...Hyukjae is pregnant with the world's...' Otherwise, great foreword! It really shows the comedic theme of the story and the main plot. It also really hooks in the readers.

Plot: 15/20 There are so many plot holes. How did Hyukjae give birth? Did he have surgery to give birth or did he do it the way girls do? How do the gene changes allow him to become pregnant. All you said was that because of gene changes, Hyukjae can become pregnant, but you never explained how they change him. Also, how can Donghae be with Hyukjae, who looks like a normal civilian, when he works for the government? Considering that he is also a sniper, he shouldn't be allowed to have a personal life. Another thing, what is the organization Donghae works for? Explain everything, from the different sections of it to the leaders. Everything's too vague. All you do is give a simple sentence and then jump into the action scenes. How did Donghae ruin all of Siwon's plans? Judging from the way he talked, it sounds like Donghae ruined a lot of plans for him. Also, there is no background information at all. The readers can't connect to the characters because they don't know anything about them. Who are they? What are their personal lives?

Characters: 16/20 In chapter one, Donghae stated that he was really protective of Hyukjae and his baby, so wouldn't leaving Hyukjae back in the hotel or wherever they were be more better instead of taking him along on his mission? Hyukjae could get injured and then miscarry or lose his life, so it would make more sense to leave him behind for safety. Try to show why Donghae would finally take him along because "Leaving him alone in Korea" is not a good enough reason. Also, in chapter two, Hyukjae acted too rashly, considering that he is pregnant. Give him other reasons to jump up and help instead of suddenly going in because he thinks the girl is treated unfairly. Also, show his hesitation since he is pregnant and he can lose his baby. Otherwise, I think the characters act really irrationally and unrealistically in your chapters, like rushing into things without thinking properly. Aren't they secret assassins?

Grammar and Spelling: 16/20 You have so many run-on sentences. Try to use a semi-colon or period to separate them because they make the story look messy. You also tend to use the same word too often, like "sound" for example. There are so many times where you wrote "A deafening shout sounded" followed with "a thump to the sidewalk sounding". Use other words like "A deafening shout was heard" and then "a loud thump to the sidewalk following afterwards".

Chapter one, P(aragraph)6 "...as he hanged up..." should be '...as he hung up...'
2. P18 "Hyukjae unconsciously held the bump..." should be 'Hyukjae unconciously held the bump...'

Chapter two, P9 "Hyukjae raised any eyebrow..." should be 'Hyukjae raised an eyebrow...'
2. P54 "Siwon wasn't that too dumb..." should be 'Siwon wasn't that dumb...'
3. P67 "Kyuhyun boasted as he leaned into..." should be 'Kyuhyun yelled as he leaned into...'
4. P71 "...making Hyukjae trash around in fright." should be '...making Hyukjae thrash around in fright.'
 

Flow: 11/15 What is going on? You start off the story with Donghae and Hyukjae in Korea, right? Then you jump right into the action. What is going on? We know a lot about Donghae but what about Hyukjae? Who is he? What does he do for a living? How did he and Donghae meet? There is no background information allowing the readers to know what happened before the timeline in the story. I'm not telling you to include everything from before the story but only the information that can tell the readers what's going on. Describe Hyukjae's life before Donghae. How did they meet?

Enjoyment: 2/5 Combined together, the run-on sentences, the plot holes, and the poorly developed characters made the story very messy for me. It was hard to find enjoyment in this.

Structure: 5/5 Everything is neat and organized so full marks for that.

Overall: 78/100 The story is too poorly-organized and not thought out well. It's almost like you wrote this while thinking of the plot along the way. The characters are rushed out, and they act like you are controlling them and making them show the emotion you want them to show, instead of what they should do realistically. Check out your plot once you're done writing and think, does this make sense? Also, add in background information and correct your run-on sentences because they make your story very hard to read.