sunflowerpots
❁Crimson Twilight Review Shop❁ {PAUSED/Finishing requests}
Just Stand Still
About: Tao(EXO) + Kris (EXO), Luhan (EXO)+ Sehun (EXO), fluff, romance, tao, kris, hunhan, taoris, ot12
Bleu
Finished on 4/29/2014
Title 5/5–The title is perfect the way it is. It really gives me the mellow, depressing atmosphere your story has. It's something that's melancholy, it's like those scenes in film where one of the characters is crying, but crying is because of joy. The word “stand” is perfect for the story, mainly because Tao can't stand, and he has to be in a wheelchair. But Kris on the other hand, wants Tao to be able to stand again, but Tao's will to want to stand up isn't as strong as Kris believes it is.
Foreword 6/10–When I first took a glimpse at your foreword, I felt like it was really inconsistent and messy. The main reason is possibly because of your posters. Usually, I have the main image at the top of your foreword, which makes me feel welcomed. But in your case, you decided to have two posters side by side, to me, it feels really, lack-lustered.
Something else I noticed is that in your description, you had the description of your story in quotation marks. How so? It is not a quote, nor is it any piece of literature that is needed of quotation marks. After all, this is your own property of literature, so there is no need of quotation marks or apostrophes. I would have understood if it was a sentence from your story, but, either way, there is no need. This sentence is supposed to give the readers the right amount of information, and it's not something that is being “quoted” from.
I'm not a huge fan of the way you decided to have that horizontal line of em dashes between the description and the two quotes+posters, it seems really like lazy. The fact that you didn't bother to make it full length. I would have preferred it if they were like, all the way, or at least longer so you can really show the diversity. Same thing with the horizontal lines with em dances at the bottom by your author note, it looks really messy and unorganized. You may think that just because it's an author note+credit means that it can be as messy as you think and it doesn't have to be as neat, but you're wrong. Even an author note can greatly change the perspective of the reader's imagination and opinion.
Now let's talk about your foreword. I noticed that you have a tendency of over-using the pronoun, “He”, it's really redundant and quite boring. A problem I fear will happen is because since your story is based on two men, Tao and Kris, and if you keep over-sing the pronoun “He”, it will soon make the readers confused on who you're talking about. I feel like you could always substitute “He” with other pronouns/nouns such as,”His”,”Tao/Kris”, or just not having a pronoun at all–although removing a pronoun might be a bit too hard at your current caliber.
❁”"Tao has paralyzed legs since childhood. He was hidden from the public by his father. And then there's Kris, who will do anything and everything for Tao to see the real world... "”, should be,”Tao's legs have been paralyzed since before I could even remember. He has always been hidden from the public, by his father's disgrace of his son. Then, there's Kris, who is willing to do anything and everything, as long as Tao is able to see the real world again.”
❁”"No!! I can't walk and you should accept that damnit!!" Tao shouted. His words echoed in the whole room.” should be,”"No! I can't walk, and should have already accepted that by now dammit!” Tao shouted. His words echoed throughout the whole room.”
❁”Kris paused for a moment and he found it hard to breathe. He really needed Tao to walk.. he badly needed it... "then remember this Tao," he really didn't want to talk anymore but the lump in his throat kept pushing the words out of his mouth... "when I walk away from you, you won't have the chance to run after me” should be,”Finding it hard to breathe, Kris paused for a moment. He really wanted to show Tao the real world...or to at least be able to walk.“Then remember this Tao,” Kris was reluctant to try to talk anymore, but the lump in his throat kept pushing the words out of his mouth,”when I walk away from you, you should know, you don't have the chance to run after me.”
Plot 17/20–Your plot is really original and I really enjoy it, I really like the way you have Tao and Kris meet up for the first time. A coincidental encounter. Although it's not something unthinkable, but it's something that is really hard to see nowadays. These type of stories I really like, because something like this could bring two people together. It's just really emotional. Your writing style is a little sketchy though, it's just the way you're writing and it just makes me feel concern about the story. It makes the story really sad sounding and it really doesn't give much cliffhangers and twists. There isn't much suspense, to me, the story is being told in exactly one tone, subtle. I feel like your introduction is a bit too weak, it just really doesn't make much of an impact to me. Your plot is really original and unique, it really makes me want to keep reading. The only thing that's dragging me down is your writing style, it's just really ruining the stories latent potential.
Characters 18/20–The reason in my corrections, I had changed the way Tao spoke a little bit, and I added a -sshi to the end of Pierre when Tao was speaking with him. The reason I had did this was because, since the name Pierre was a rather, foreign name, I wanted to add a little hint of Korean traditions to pull the reader back into the casual Korean style. I had changed Tao's speaking a little bit mainly because I felt like he comes from a more upper-class family meaning the way he speaks is more mature, and something a kid would say if their family was from a wealthy background; cause after all, they do have a butler.
Grammar and Spelling 14/20–Whenever you're trying to write consecutive periods at once, such as,”...”, to input any sort of emotion, or a change of atmosphere. You should always use the number three. The reason why is because, just like in Goldilocks and the Three Bears, it's not too little, and it's not too much, it's just right. So whenever you do something that's in like a series (i.e “...”) then you should always use three. Three words in alliteration unless necessary, and three exclamation/question marks at the most. Speaking of question marks, I noticed that you have a tendency of using two question marks whenever your characters are talking in a question form, two question marks isn't too much, but, it just seems really messy. Especially because, I don't really get why you need two, one is just enough.
Another thing I would like to point out is the fact that whenever you're writing dialogue, always make sure to capitalize the first word of the dialogue. Unless your dialogue is split or separated. You should always have the first word capitalize or else it just doesn't fit with the rules of dialogue. I don't know if you do this on purpose, same thing with “...”, but, you have times where you use the correct way, or you use the incorrect way, I feel like you're just doing this spontaneously. If you feel like doing it this way one time, and then another way the other time, I'm not sure you have a concrete concept of what the rules are.
Also, whenever you have a “...”, “–“, or a semi-colon, you must remember that the two causes or fragments of a sentence should be connected to this symbol without any spaces in between, after all, these symbols are meant to connect your sentences, so there should be no reasons to have spaces in between these two causes or fragments of a sentence.
Chapter One
❁P(aragraph) 1,”Pierre, did you visit the garden this morning??” Tao tugged on his butler's coat lightly as he put on a bright smile.. “did you see my white roses?? Oh, how beautiful they are!!” should be,”Pierre-sshi, did you happen to visit the garden this morning?” Tao tugged on his butler's coat lightly as he put on a broad, bright smile. “Did you see my white roses? Oh, aren't they just the most beautiful things you've ever seen!”
❁P(aragraph) 2,”His butler smiled back at him and bowed... “Yes, master. You grew those roses as lovingly as ever and it bloomed prettily too..” should be,”Yes, master. You grew these roses with as much nurture and love needed, and it bloomed healthy and pretty as well.”
❁P(aragraph) 6,”The chrysanthemum means compassion, cheerfulness, rest, loveliness, optimism, abundance, wealth, friendship and secret love.” should be,”The chrysanthemum means compassion; cheerfulness, rest, loveliness, optimism, abundance, wealth, friendship and secret love.”
❁P(aragraph) 24,”Tao let out a deep sad sigh.. “nothing Pierre, It's just that I want to see the outside world so badly … I want to see the things you see outside and not just the teeny tiny lights from the city when we stargaze from the roof..” should be,”Tao gave out a deep, sad, sigh...”Nothing Pierre-sshi, it's just that I want to see the outside world so badly...I want to see the things you see outside and not just the teeny-tiny lights from the city when we went stargazing from the roof...”
❁P(aragraph) 25,”you know you can't do that Master... I really want you to see those wonderful things outside but I can only describe them to you.. and those are our secrets.. if one finds out, not you---but me... you know that Master... nomu mianhae” should be,”You know you can't do that Master...I really want you to see those wonderful things outside too, but I can only describe them to you...and those are our secrets...if one finds out, not you–but me...yopu know that Master...neomu mianhae.”
❁P(aragraph) 26,"Oh, Pierre!! I wouldn't want anything to happen to you!! You're the only one I have.... and ren hyung too..." he looked away from Ren..” should be,”Oh, Pierre! I wouldn't want anything to happen to you! You're the only one I have...and Ren-hyung too...” He looked away from Ren...”
❁P(aragraph) 37,”what is it chanyeol?? You know that dares are my style and I can do anything.. icludin that time when I went to--------” should be,”What is it Chanyeol? You know that dares are my forte and I can do anything...including that time when I went to–“
❁P(aragraph) 41,”arrasseo!!!” Kris cheered and smirked.. “you'll see and suffer the consequences.. hah, offering yourself.. you don't know what's more worse than that...” Chanyeol gulped when he heard Kris' words. He seemed nervous.. Indeed, Kris was determined as he was the daredevil and will do anything eve if there's no exchange for it..” should be,”Arasseo!” Kris cheered and smirked,”You'll see and suffer the consequences...hah, offering yourself...you don't know what's more worse than that...” Chanyeol gulped when he heard Kris' words. He seemed nervous...Indeed, Kris was determined as he was the dare devil and will do anything even if there's no exchange for it...”
You have a lot of mistakes, and it's mainly your dialogue. You have some misspells that are usually because of you rushing while you're typing. Just make sure to double check every once in a while. Another thing you should do is that I feel like you sometimes put “...” instead of commas. It might not mean anything to you, but, it really changes the atmosphere of the story.
Flow 13/15–The flow is a little bit of mixed feelings really. It's a mixture between sweet and spicy. The flow in your events is perfect the way it is, there is nothing wrong. All around, it's good. But the thing that's dragging your story down is the atmosphere of the story. It's too plain and subtle, there's really nothing that's making a footprint in my mind or in the reader's mind. I feel like your transitions are a little bit too weak, it's just, so deeply hidden in the text that I can't tell the different between the transitions/setting with the rest of the stories context.
Enjoyment 4/5–I have mixed feelings about this story, hot and cold, sweet and spicy, north pole and south pole. I really like these types of plots, but the thing that's dragging me down is your writing style, well not style, but the writing techniques. It really destroys the stories atmosphere, and it really makes me distracted from the latent potential your story has.
Structure 4/5–I despise the way you you do the transition changes. Such as in chapter one where you wrote,”Seoul.... Boys highschool.....”, I'm pretty sure this was meant to show where the setting is now. But. The way you wrote it made it seem like it was part of the story. I suggest you make this a lot bigger and bolded or something that makes it make an imprint in the readers mind.
Also, what's with your paragraph spacings? Sometimes it's just single spaced, then its double, and before you know it, it's like quintuple spaced. It's really wide-spread and in-consistent at all. I feel like, you should really just keep it at double-spacing, or at least triple-spaced if you really want the spacings to be big. The limit is that though, or else it makes it feel like you're just having huge spacings to make your story look longer than what it really is.
Overall 81/100–Your story's plot is really good, and it's something that I was really excited for. But the way you wrote it really destroyed the whole story overall. It just made the story feel like it was from only one emotion, and atmosphere. Boring and subtle. I really wish there was more twists and suspense in the story. Your story also has a lot of misspells and grammar mistakes.
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