Dark Love (Steal My Heart)
https://www.asianfanfics.com/story/view/606376/dark-love-steal-my-heart-gang-mystery-romance-vampire-kai-sehun-kris

About: Sehun(Exo)+OC, Kai(Exo)+OC, romance, gang, mystery, vampires, high school

Katrina
Finished 2/9/14

Title: 4/5 Your title would sound better if it's 'Dark Love: Steal My Heart' instead, but since this is a personal preference, I am not taking points off for that. Also, the title relates to the story too generally. It's not really specific or eye-catching. While you did add a second title to it, it's still too vague. Try to minimize it to fit one plot in your story.

Foreword: 8/10 In the "characters" you shouldn't write "Yes, there will be lovey dovey scenes as the chapters come by" since that is the character bar, not the foreword. You should write all author notes in the foreword. In the first sentence of your genesis, it is in present tense but afterwards, everything else is in past tense. Your genesis is too long and descriptive for your foreword. The readers can tell the main plot from this. Try to end it after Kris tells Sehun that he erased Kai's memory. Try to keep short to make your story mysterious, so more readers will want to see what happens next.
In P(aragraph) three of your genesis, "And as eery as it sounds, Kris was a half vamp..." should be 'And as eerie as it sounded, Kris was only half-vampire...'
P7, "...feelings interfere with his work, until he felt somesort of a crush on this girl." should be '...feelings interfere with his work, until he felt some sort of crush on this girl.'
P28 "The both of them were the best desciples he could ever have..." should be 'The both of them were the best disciples he could ever have...'
 

Plot: 17/20 So far your plot is pretty tame. There's not really any spice to get it going. While I do like your initial plot, we don't really know anything yet since nothing is really happening. You spend too much time trying to find the right moment to add in a major action instead of focusing on character development, causing your plot to become dull. The plot is too focused on one thing instead of branching out and including other small plots.

Characters: 17/20 Sehun acted too rashly when he shipped Kai to the orphanage because what about Kai's family? All he did was tell his mother that he was leaving and then he took Kai to the orphanage. Also, the lady at the orphanage accepted him in too easily without even asking any questions. Second, I don't like how Ji Eun accepts Jongin's offer to hang out so easily. She is Sehun's girlfriend, so she should try her best to not land herself in positions where Sehun could easily misunderstand, even if he knows Kai, even if she is still thinking of Sehun when she's with Kai. Third, Kai deciding that Ji Eun is different is too soon since he just met her, and she seems like a normal girl. She isn't doing anything out of the ordinary for him to decide. Otherwise, I like your characters.

Grammar and Spelling: 19/20 You have good grammar and spelling. You manage to keep your tenses the same throughout the story, and everything is great except for one mistype.

Chapter three, P15 "You were an utter mess and shock, seeing that you did have a squeeky clean record." should be "You were an utter mess, and I am shocked, considering that you did have a squeaky clean record."

Flow: 12/15 Half of your genesis would have looked better in your chapter one since the flow would have been smoother if it was there. You would have been able to push Ji Eun's attack to later chapters since I feel like that was too fast. She don't know anything about her, yet we're aleady seeing some action. Then, after that, the flow became too slow.

Enjoyment: 4/5 I would have enjoyed this a lot if there was more than one plot happening in the story and if the flow is faster.

Structure: 4/5 When your changing scenes, I suggest you write it in the story like 'Ji Eun is in school..." instead of writing it as a title like [In school the next day]. There are some moments where more than one person would speak in one paragraph. Try to allow only one person to speak in each paragraph. You also added author notes in the story a few times. Try to keep the author notes at the end of the story or before it.

Overall: 85/100 The grammar and spelling are really great, but the characters are not described that well. The readers can't connect with them that much. The plot is also too focused on one event, and the flow is too slow. Try to include side plots to spice up the story and bring it to life.