The Things That I Hear

http://www.asianfanfics.com/story/view/707335/the-things-that-i-hear-angst-jessica-snsd

About: Jessica(SNSD), angst, dark, perspective, thoughts

Bleu
Finished 6/12/2014

Title 5/5–Perfect.

Foreword 8/10–The first thing I would like to point out is that you kept switching from past tense and future tense, I guess this is a rather common mistake so, I won't be judging you that much by it. All I want to say is that one sentence, you use the past tense, and then the next sentence, you use present tense. Please stay in one tense so that it won't confuse the readers on whether or not you're talking about Jessica talking about the past, or what Jessica is doing RIGHT now, meaning, CURRENTLY.

Another thing is, your foreword, the first sentence is really straightforward. I mean, I understand that's what you convey to the readers, but don't you think you could do it a little bit more meaningful and have the readers comprehensive it and not just get the answer straight forward.

Why is the picture in description? Did you not know how to put the picture in the correct format? The correct way to put your picture is click on the edit button for the foreword, and then scroll below description and the foreword section. Then, you'll see a blue line saying “Add Images” and click on it, and then put your pictures URL link.

Something that I had noticed is that your description and foreword seem a little bit, dull. There really isn't anything that's really speaking. It's just a blank page with some words scribbled on. I wish you had like some accents, for example, there are two cakes, you have to choose between them. The first cake is just a simple cake with a layer of frosting. The second cake on the other hand is the exact same as the first cake, but this cake, has decorations. You would obviously pick the second cake right? That's right. Because it has accents/decorations, because of this, the readers prefer it more. I suggest I don't know, have like symbols such as “❁” or be creative and come up (Google up) your own.

❁Original–”I keep hearing things that I'm not supposed to hear.

I realized that it was from the past.

It hurts my heart every time I listen to it.

I heard them calling out to me.

They're saying to come back.

That's what hurt me the most.

So let me tell you my story.

Of the things that I hear.”

Correct–“I always hear things that I'm usually not supposed to hear.

Not long ago, I realized that it was from the past.

My heart ached in pain every time I had to listen to it.

Hearing them calling out to me.

Saying to come back, come back where?

That's what had hurt me the most.

So let me tell you my story.

Of the things that I hear.”

❁”Jessica Jung keeps hearing things from her past. The dead. The living. The good. The bad. It doesn't matter who was talking to her. Those lives that wanted her so badly Dead or Alive.” should be,”The dead, living, good, bad. They all wanted her. It didn't matter who it was, or how badly they wanted her. In the end, it was a matter of Dead or Alive.

Plot 14/20–How you're talking from the present and the past is rather unique, but it doesn't make much sense. I really dislike the whole idea of having I'm assuming Jessica, think about what she's done in the past. It just kinda ruins the whole point of view/perspective idea of your story. I don't know if it's just me, but I feel like it's rather redundant to your story.

After finish your story, I'm really confused on what your setting is. You just have so many time skips and you have barely any description about what the time period is. It's just so jumbled up and I can't tell where is where and I just really am confused on what's going on in your story. I wish you would have just stuck with one time period. In that case, I wouldn't nor would the readers get so confused so much.

Characters 19/20–I don't see much character development in your story, but, I do like how you conveyed them. I would say that you did a pretty good job at distinguishing Yoona and Jessica. You did a really good job at characters, just a little bit more in plot would be great.

Grammar and Spelling 12/20–The first thing I would like to point out is that you kept switching from past tense and future tense, I guess this is a rather common mistake so, I won't be judging you that much by it. All I want to say is that one sentence, you use the past tense, and then the next sentence, you use present tense. Please stay in one tense so that it won't confuse the readers on whether or not you're talking about Jessica talking about the past, or what Jessica is doing RIGHT now, meaning, CURRENTLY.

❁Original–”I was clutching a photo of someone, crying heartily as I released my tears of regret.

Never should I have let her go.

I caused it.

About a month ago, I came across this scrapbook filled with pictures and letters.

It was from about fourteen years ago back when I was twenty six.

I don't think I should've ever opened it.

Because as soon as I did people started talking to me.

They told me their stories and experiences with me.

Maybe that's why I'm crying right now.

I heard her voice again.

Calm but powerful.

It was beautiful. She was beautiful.

She told me to come back but I knew I never could.

I thought I had moved on from her but I guess not.

But as I clutched her photo in my arms, she told me our story.

So let me tell you the things that I hear.”

Correction–“I was clutching a photo of someone, clearly bawling my eyes out as I released all my tears of regret.

Never should I have let her go.

It was all my fault.

About a month ago, I came across this scrapbook filled with pictures and letters.

It was from about fourteen years ago, back when I was twenty six.

I don't think I should have ever opened it.

Because as soon as I did, people had started talking to me.

They started telling me their stories and experiences with me.

Maybe that's why I'm crying right now.

Her voice was not only calm, it was powerful.

Her voice was beautiful. She was beautiful.

She told me to come back, but I knew I would regret if I had done so.

I thought I had moved on, but, I was proven wrong.

As I clutch her photo in my arms, she told me our story.

So, let me tell you the things that I hear.”

Flow 4/15–Your flow is way too confusing, with all your time skips and what not. There is just so many things going on that it's hard for me to keep up. I really think you need to slow down, and stick to one time period. Cause right now, I have no clue what time period you're on, let it be in the past or present, let it be 3 weeks in the past or whatever.

Enjoyment 3/5–Hot and spicy. Sweet and sour. You had some good points, you had some bad points.

Structure 4/5–I noticed that you had troubles with your tenses throughout your story, so I would like to help you along the way with giving some helpful advice from a website I found that could help you.

General Advice

When you write an essay, an exam answer, or even a short story, you will want to keep the verbs you use in the same tense. Remember, moving from tense to tense can be very confusing.

eg. Mrs. Mallory sees her returning son and, in her excitement, twisted her ankle rather badly. Her sister calls the doctor immediately.

In this example, the verb "twisted" is the only verb that appears in the past tense. It should appear in the present tense, "twists," or the other verbs should be changed to the past tense as well. Switching verb tenses upsets the time sequence of narration.

"The Literary Present"

When you quote directly from a text or allude to the events in a story (as in a brief plot summary), you should use "the literary present." We write about written works as if the events in them are happening now, even though the authors may be long dead. Quoting an essay, you would write,

Annie Dillard wrote Pilgrim at Tinker Creek when she lived in ia's mountains. In the book's chapter, "Seeing," Annie Dillard contends that "vision... is a deliberate gift, the revelation of a dancer who for my eyes only flings away her seven veils" (17).

Here, both "wrote" and "lived" are in the past tense since they refer to Dillard's life, not her writings. "Contends," however, appears in a statement about Dillard's writing, so it is in the present tense.

When you write about fiction, you will also want to use the present tense.

At the end of Of Mice and Men, Lennie sees an enormous rabbit that chastises him, making him to think of George.

Mrs. Mallard, in "The Story of an Hour," whispers "'free, free, free!'" after learning of her husband's supposed death.

The above examples are a plot summary and a direct quotation, both of which use the literary present. You can remember to write about literature in the present tense because you are currently reading or thinking about it. Every time you open a book it seems as though the events are currently happening; every time you read an essay it is as though you are currently speaking to the writer.

Non-English Papers

If you are writing a paper in another subject, notably the sciences and social sciences, these rules will not necessarily apply. Check with your professor for guidelines in your course.

In history classes, for example, the events you are writing about took place in the past, and therefore you should use the past tense throughout your paper. However, if you are citing articles in the paper, as you probably should, then you should check with your professor to see if he or she would prefer that you use the literary present or the past tense when referring to these articles.

Specific Advice Wanted:

Requester Commented: I want to see if this kind of story has been used before. I want to know anything that I'm doing wrong with my writing.
Reviewer Replied: I don't think your story has been used before, and I certainly don't think it's either cliché or mary-sue. But on the other hand with your writing style, I would completely agree the idea that you're doing something wrong with your writing. I am absolutely against your whole time skips, you just have so many, with little description that it's really confusing. Also, you may think that it's right, but that's only because you created the story. You know everything in your mind, your readers don't.

Overall 69/100–You had good parts, and you had bad parts. There really isn't anything that really excelled in your story. The only thing that I would really like to change in your tenses and your flow. Your flow is just way too messy, you have so many time skips that it's almost impossible to keep up.