armyofseouls
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A Love That Never Sleeps
About: Sehun(EXO), Luhan(EXO), Kai(EXO), oneshot, sliceoflife, exo, sekai, romance
Bleu
Finished on 6/27/2014
Chapters Read 1/1
Author Note–Hello, this is Bleu also known as iShiroKins, the reason I'm writing an author's note is because I've realized that you must be quite upset of how late this review is. Please be assured that we did not forget you, or was it because we were lazy and didn't want to work on your review. We have exactly all of the requests in order. Although this isn't a proper or acceptable excuse for having a late request, the reasons why we've been so backed up is because of the following...Okay, so in April-May a lot of members went on vacation and so on, and then, when they came back, it was not long for them to have their finals. This really gave us the worse situation ever, I'm sure you guys, as fellow authors, know how hard it is to balance Asianfanfiction and school finals. I do not think this will be a good enough excuse or apology for you to look away from this mess-up, but please know that we had no means of showing disrespect or ignorance to this review.
Title 5/5–I absolutely love your title, especially the “never sleeps” part. Cause it's really relevant to your story, since after all, they're in NYC, the city that never sleeps. I think your title is perfect as it is, and I don't have any suggestions since there is none to be given!
Foreword 8/10–I'm really happy you completely understood the meaning of writing a foreword and a description. I've seen so many people go out of the lines, and I do approve of being unique and having your own mind, but I completely am disregarded when they choose to do something that's rather abrupt and completely throws away the meaning of this page–and it fails to succeed. I just want to refresh your brain every now and then, and give you a more complete over-view of what a description and foreword should be.
Okay, now, I'm pretty sure you've heard what I'm going to say following, but, I do think that you need some refreshers. A descriptions job is not to inform any information, but to attract the readers. Attracting the readers is different than informing the readers, the description must have this glamorous, elegant, attribute to it. It just has this physical/mental factor that just attracts the readers to the story. By the words, formatting, and anything in it, it makes the readers want to keep reading onward to the foreword. Haven't you always wondered by the description was before the foreword? Well this is the reason why, the description may not look much at first sight, but it's the backbone of this page. Without a proper description, there is nothing that's making the readers want to keep reading onward.
Now let's talk about your foreword now. A foreword's job is to inform the readers about your story. The information that it is informing to your readers shouldn't be too much, or too little, but just subtle enough for the readers to have some prior knowledge and want to know more and will read onward to the actual story. A foreword shouldn't be too straightforward, it should have at least some mystery. Remember, do not underestimate your readers, they are able to figure out what your story about even with a little bit of mystery. Don't be too straightforward, but be sure to give them clues every now and then.
Okay, now let's actually talk about your description now. The comparisons you made just don't quite make sense to me. Although I absolutely adore the format, and your unique style you put into your description, I felt like these quotes could be so much better. The reason why I feel so is because the comparisons just don't quite seem good enough. Like for example, if love is true, it may mean that it will never die. But, so many other factors can go into what will kill a love.
I really want your comparisons to be right on point. Meaning, it can't be wish-washy. I want these comparisons to make absolute sense and no other factors can come in place. When I read these quotes, I have to feel like I completely understand what you mean and how it reacts to your story. But in your case, it doesn't. The comparisons you have made in this is a bit too vague and broad. I want your comparisons to be a little bit more self-centered, meaning, I want your comparisons to be more on-point. I'll be showing you my own take on these quotes in the corrections down below.
I feel like your foreword gave absolutely way too much information about the story. You pretty much just told us the whole plot line of your story, I mean, the readers didn't need to know that he would find a boy that he would be intrigued in. I mean, when I was reading your story, I really felt like something was missing, some sort of element was missing. It took me a while until I found out that I wasn't surprised at all with how your story went. I think this is mainly because you explained so much in your foreword and it really gave away the “element of surprise”.
In your foreword you have some spacing issues, okay so you have three paragraphs in your foreword, right? You triple-spaced between the first and second paragraph, but for your second and third paragraph, you only double-spaced. Is there any way for you to fix this? I know this is a quite easy fix, and it may not seem much, but you should be aware that anything can affect the readers aspect of your story. To me, whenever I see that you have some formatting or spacing issues, it makes me feel like you, as the author, is ignorant. I mean, if you don't want to fix something like this that's so little and easy to fix, I won't be able to expect the same quality in your actual story.
I really love how even in your disclaimers and author note you kept a proper professionalism. You really don't see many people doing that lately in this generation of authors, but I really do appreciate it. You don't know how much I cringe when I read author notes or disclaimers that makes absolutely no sense. Another thing I would like to say is, because of your professionalism I really feel like your story would be quite well-written.
Okay, now this isn't going to subtract any points or anything, but it's just a suggestion now. I really want you to add some more well, “beauty” marks. I want some distinguishes that really show that this story is yours, and only yours. I don't know, maybe add some symbols, or like a borderline, or anything that shows that this story is yours, and you know how to add beauty into your page. I mean, this isn't something I'm specifically picky about, but I just want to give some suggestions on what could make your foreword plus description better and it will appeal to the readers more.
Corrections
1) Mistake–“If love is true, then it never dies.” (Located in description, first paragraph)
1) Correction–“If love is true, then no one shall ever get hurt.”
2) Mistake–“If love is strong, then it never wavers.” (Located in description, second paragraph)
2) Correction–“If love is strong, then it shall never waver.”
3) Mistake–“If love is meant to be, then nothing can break it.” (Located in description, third paragraph)
3) Correction–“If love is meant to be, then they will have a happily ever after.”
4) Mistake–“Sehun has a secret, in which he only instils upon his four year old brother, Luhan. His parents can never know that Sehun is gay. They would not approve. But when a boy comes into their lives, Sehun is faced with a choice.” (Located in foreword, first paragraph)
4) Correction–“Sehun was quite docile–but–behind his words, there was a secret. This secret, something that is kept or is meant to be kept unknown or unseen by others, was instilled only upon Sehun's four year old brother, Luhan. His parents can never be aware of this “secret”. They would not only disapprove, but they would harm anything–anyone–that dares meet Sehun's preferences. Choices; decisions, dilemmas, are in everyone's life. Especially in Sehun's.'
5) Mistake–“Keep his uality a secret, or stand up for himself.” (Located in foreword, second paragraph)
5) Correction–“Two roads diverged in Sehun's life. One side led to him keeping his uality a secret. While on the other side, Sehun must stand up for himself–and those he loved.”
6) Mistake–“But his choice goes beyond the heartache he is sure to endure. He has to realize that no matter what he chooses, the people who truly matter in this life will always love him.” (Located in foreword. Third paragraph)
6) Correction–“Whatever he chooses, endurance and heartaches shall be in his future. And it's up to Sehun, whether or not he'll be able to withstand it.”
Plot 11/20–What's odd is how you said that here in America, there didn't seem to be a lot of Koreans. Since I'm from New York City as well, and I lived there for a few years, I absolutely object of this idea. I for one, believe that there are quite a few Koreans in NYC, maybe not as much as in California, but definitely enough for me to find this fact that you made in your story quite untrue. I mean, NYC is home for a bunch of immigrants, so it would be odd for Luhan to say that there aren't a lot of Koreans.
Something I would like to say about your plot is that it's not that interesting. I feel like there's just something missing, it's like, you focus so much on one thing, that you forget to have stuff that will balance it out. I noticed that you do really good at having description and being able to organize your events, but I feel like, you forgot something important. Emotion. There is no emotion in your writing, and it's quite boring. There really isn't any . And your resolution, didn't make any impact to me. I feel like, there is stuff that you really need to focus more on. I suggest like, just writing with more emotion, and make sure it affects your readers. From what I've read, it's almost as if there's nothing important, it was all in one tone, and it felt like, I felt like sleeping, no offense.
Characters 13/20–How come Sehun and Luhan's mother says “Brian” and not “Your father”? If you think about it, many families would just say that instead of the mother or fathers real name. It's quite odd. Another thing I would like to say is that, how come Luhan calls Sehun “hyung”, but when Luhan talks to his mother, he said “Momma”. Shouldn't he say “umma”? It's quite weird when you're switching from the American standards and the Korean standards on name calling.
Was Luhan's strange speaking behavior because he was raised in not only Korea, but in the United States of America as well? Well, for one, I would believe that he would just stick with “umma”, unless his mother wants him to speak in English at home instead of Korean? I really wanna know how their house standards are like, since I for one, having been raised in two countries with two different standards, understand how Luhan's speaking behavior can be strange, but I want you to give some more information about this.
Luhan, doesn’t quite act like a four year old boy, he acts more like a seven year old. It's his actions and personality that I've found doesn’t quite suit the age you've set in the story. I feel like you should increase his age just a little bit more, since, for a four year old, he acts more calm and a little bit more mature than what I would expect from the age you had preset for us readers. For example, Luhan is only FOUR years old. How does he know what “” is. This is shown in the story when Luhan got mad at Brian for calling Sehun a little . Really odd right?
Grammar and Spelling 17/20–Something that I noticed right at the start of your story is that you don't quite understand how to use dialogue tags. Whenever you have a dialogue tag, you must never end your dialogue with a period, you must end it with either a comma, exclamation mark, or question mark. Because after all, your sentence is still going on. Another thing that I noticed right away is that you always use the same dialogue tags, and the way you use it doesn't quite make sense. In the following as you read, I'll give you eight helpful tips on using dialogue tags [x].
Something that I've noticed in the past couple stories I've reviewed and in yours as well, is that your punctuation is quite self-centered and it's not versatile at all. I've only seen you used commas and periods. Nothing else, you must know how to use others right? Or is it that you just don't want to use them? The reason I'm preaching so much about this is because it's quite boring and vague when you just use the same thing over and over and over again. Repetitive and redundant.
Eight Tips on Using Dialogue Tags
A dialogue tag is a verb such as “said” or “asked”. The function of a dialogue tag is to let the reader know who's speaking. If used correctly, dialogue tags are a good thing because they avoid confusion, so here's some advice on how to use dialogue tags:
1) Avoid “creative” dialogue tags:
Some writers become overly creative when it comes to dialogue tags. They seem to think that “said” is boring, so they use a plethora of tags such as whined, admitted, yelled, grumbled, etc. Please don't do that. “Said” and “asked” (and the occasional “shouted” or “whispered”) are actually the best verbs to use in a dialogue tag. Readers' minds skip over it, while other tags pull the readers' attention away from the dialogue and become a distraction. Creative dialogue tags are telling. They explain the dialogue to the reader, which can come across as patronizing. The words themselves are a demand, so we don't need to dialogue tag to tell us. Let the words of the dialogue show us instead. If you feel the need to use a tag other than said, it's often a sign of weak dialogue. Rewrite the dialogue and the descriptions of body language, actions, and facial expressions to make it stronger.
2) Use adverbs in dialogue tags sparingly:
Similarly to the use of creative verbs in dialogue tags, adverbs explain the dialogue to the reader, which can come across as patronizing. Instead of telling through adverbs, show us the emotion through the words and the body language.
3) Don't use dialogue tags that are physically impossible:
Since you can't laugh, smile, grin, growl, moan, etc. a sentence, please don't use these words as dialogue tags.
4) Don't overuse dialogue tags:
Not every line of dialogue needs a dialogue tag. If it's already clear who's talking, cut out the dialogue tag and let the dialogue stand on its own. In a conversation between two people, you can usually go for three exchanges without tags. In conversations between more people, you need more speaker attributions.
5) Replace some dialogue tags with action beats:
Instead of using a dialogue tag, action beats can also let readers know who's talking. Action beats are sentences that describe the actions or body language of a character. Don't use the same meaningless gestures all the time. Smiling, nodding, shrugging, sighing, or gazing at each other get repetitive after a while. Use action beats that are unique to the character and the situation. Action beats that show us subtext or contradict what the characters day are especially interesting.
6) Avoid double attribution:
Action beats and dialogue tags have the same purpose: letting readers know who's talking. If you already used an action beat to identify the speaker, there's no need to attack a dialogue tag the line of dialogue too. Use a tag or an action beat, not both.
7) Don't delay dialogue tags too long:
Get the dialogue tag in as early as possible in the sentence, so readers don't have the to wait to find out who's talking.
8) Don't describe the way someone speaks before he or she actually speaks:
If you use introductory dialogue tags, you can end up describing the way a character speaks before he or she even says a word. Place the description of how a line of dialogue is spoken after the dialogue.
Corrections
1) Mistake–“Sehun.” he poked at the slumbering lump, who didn't even budge.”
1) Correction–“Sehun,” he poked at the slumbering lump, who didn't even budge a bit.”
2) Mistake–“Hey, pipsqueak.” Sehun didn't bother lifting his head from the pillow.”
2) Correction–“Hey, pipsqueak,” Sehun didn't bother lifting his head from the pillow.”
3) Mistake–“Get up, hyung.” Luhan whined. “I want to go to the park today.”
3) Correction–“Get up, hyung,” Luhan whined,”I want to go to the park today.”
4) Mistake–“You know, for a four year old, you're pretty bossy.” Sehun chuckled, ruffling the boy's auburn brown hair.”
4) Correction–“You know, for a four-year old, you're quite bossy,” Sehun chuckled, ruffling the boy's auburn brown hair.”
I'm not going to write down any more corrections since it seems rather redundant now, as long as you follow what I wrote in the Grammar and Spelling section it'll be easy for you to fix any mistakes you have in your following chapters. As for any questions you may have about your grammar and/or spelling, please do ask me, let it be in PM, on my wall, or even on our news feed. Please don't hesitate as I'm absolutely willing to help you in anything.
Flow 10/15–Your flow is perfect, but something about it, makes me feel like your story is really boring. I feel like, although your flow is perfect, it's not interesting. There is no twists or cliffhangers, neither is there anything that's really giving the readers anything. It's like, it's just so boring, and it's really hard to read when it's all in one tone. I would suggest just adding emotion, suspense, action, anything that could just adjust the atmosphere of your story.
Enjoyment 1/5–Your story itself was perfect, but I didn't enjoy reading it. I felt like your settings and characters were a little bit off, I mean, Luhan didn't act his age whatsoever. And I really couldn't feel any development with Jongin and Sehun. I felt like Luhan was the main character instead. I feel like, you wrote with no emotion, and I noticed that some people felt like this story made them cry, but, not for me.
Structure 3/5–Like I said before in Grammar and Spelling, you need to be more versatile with your punctuations. You tend to just use commas and ellipsis. Right now, I'm going to introduce you to some other options you could use and the specific qualities needed to use these options. [x]
Ellipses[...] are used to suggest hesitation, attempt to conceal something, signal a trailing or unfinished thought, indicate difficulty in directly expressing oneself, or denote the omission of part of an original material within a quotation. Different style guides have different rules regarding the use of ellipses.
Commas [,] should separate any two words or phrases in a series of three or more. When a dependent clause precedes an independent clause in a complex sentence, a comma should separate the two. The introductory words yes and no should best set apart by commas. Commas should offset nonrestrictive phrases and nonrestrictive clauses, which are groups of words that don't contain information that is needed to interpreting the meaning of the sentence. Commas should offset parenthetical expressions, words of direct address, and appositives. Use commas to separate a quotation from interrupting text. Use commas to separate a quotation from interrupting text. A comma should be used to separate a city from a state. In text, a comma should also follow the state. A comma should be used within dates to separate two textual elements or two numerical elements that appear next to each other. A comma should follow the salutation of an informal letter.
Semicolon[;] is used between two related, independent clauses. A semicolon can be used to precede conjunctive adverbs, such as however or therefore that connect sentence elements of equal rank. When a sentence has a series of elements that contains one or more commas, the division between the elements should be marked with a semicolon.
Colons[:] should be used to herald/signal/bring, something that immediately follows an independent clause. The colon should be used to separate hour from the minute when expressing standard time. A colon should be used between the title and subtitle of a book. A colon should follow the salutation of a formal letter. A colon can be used between two independent clauses if the second explains, expands upon, or illustrates a point made in the first.
Hyphens[-,–,—] should be used to divide a word at the end of a line when it is necessary for stylistic purposes and the entire word will not fit on one line. Words should be divided between syllables. Use hyphens with spelled-out compound numbers from twenty-one to ninety-nine if they function as adjectives. Use hyphens with fractions that are spelled out and used as adjectives. If one of the numbers in the fractions already has hyphens, don't use another one. A hyphen should be used to join many prefix to a proper adjective or a noun. There are some prefixes that should always be hyphenated. Hyphenate a compound adjective when it precedes the word it modifies and when doing so it helps clarity. Don't hyphenate if one of the modifiers is an adverb ending in –ly. Use hyphens to prevent confusion and awkwardness.
Parentheses [( )] are used to enclose supplementary or explanatory material that interrupts the main sentence. If the material within a pair of parentheses is a complete sentence that is not located within another sentence a period should be added before the closing parentheses. If the parentheses occur within a sentence, a period before the closing parentheses is unwanted.
Also, I don't think you noticed that somewhere in your story, after Luhan's mother leaves for work, the font size suddenly changed into a smaller version, I don't know if it's just on my screen or it's some sort of glitch the website did. But, I just wanted you to be aware of this, and if you could, could you possibly fix it?
Overall 68/100–Your story plot is perfect, it has great plot development, the grammar is decently fine, and there really isn't anything that I would change. But. You have no emotion or twists or cliffhangers. And it makes your story quite boring, I felt like your story would be good compared to your foreword, but I was proven wrong. There is just so little emotion that I just felt really bored reading your story. Also, you must, must be more versatile with your punctuations and dialogue tags. I mean, overall, in every category, you need to give it more emotion.
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