sadie1
❁Crimson Twilight Review Shop❁ {PAUSED/Finishing requests}
About: Mark(got7), Jackson(got7), OC, romance, fluff, high school, transformation, bullies
Ahri
Finished 3/26/14
TItle: 3/5 It's too general and while the title does look nice and unique like that, it's not really proper. Lovestruck is one word, so why is a letter in that word capitalized? I understand if this is a science fiction, or anything, and LoveStruck is a group name, but it isn't in this story.
Foreword: 7/10 While the bolded words in the foreword do stand out, I don't really think they're necessary, but that's okay, I guess. "...gets a badgirl makeover..." sounds a bit childish. Try '...gets a makeover to look like one of them (Got7); a badass rebel...' When you're describing a character, in Kang Minwoo's case, always write out the description; don't leave it in bullets. Write it out like a paragraph. "Kang Minwoo is the best friend of Hyejin's older brother. He agrees to help her get her revenger because got7 is his dance crew's rival. At the end, do not ever write "And more characters" because it makes your story look messy and less appealing. It is a story, so obviously there will be more characters to come. It also takes up unnecessary space in your foreword.
Plot: 15/20 In chapter four, the events on the bus are too unrealistic. So it just happens that Hyejin slips and falls into the arms of two very hot guys who also happen to be her ex-bullies? Then, they both start having y moments. While those moments are pretty y, keep it to a minimum and try to make it realistic. The plot is also really cliché. I know that no matter how cliché the plot is, it depends on the writing that makes it better, but you didn't make it better. You went along with the common plot; nerd turns to hot badass and then her bullies fall in love with her. There aren't anything unique to make it better.
Characters: 11/20 Your character Hyejin is a complete mary-sue. There is no flaw about her, and her being bullying doesn't make up for it because it isn't enough. She suddenly changes, and everyone is afraid of her. I'm sorry honey, but this isn't realistic. I know you're trying to make her tough and unapproachable, but you're forcing the rules of realism to bend around your story. Even if she changes her looks, that doesn't mean she is a different person. Did she start working out? Did she start doing martial arts? Then why is everyone afraid of her suddenly because underneath that makeup she is still the same person. Rather than fear, someone who goes through a change like that would only be met with more scorn such as "Is she going emo now" or "Did she start doing drugs". Second, where does her confidence come from? She used to be bullied, so I suspect that she has a low self-esteem, so how does she suddenly become so confident all of a sudden? Even if she looks tough, show her fears inside. Show her anxiety like "What if the plan doesn't work?" or "What if people bully me even more?" She speaks to the teacher impolitely and does whatever she wants now. One year can't change a small nerd into a complete badass unless something terrible happened to her like her whole family getting murdered by someone. She also started wearing revealing clothes. Again, where does this confidence come from? Don't change a person so drastically like that. Hyejin states in chapter three that she doesn't want attention, but if she was going to change that much, she should expect it, so there are no reasons for her to complain. In chapter four, Hyejin starts talking normally to Mark and Jackson. What about her plan? What about them bullying her? If I was her, and they took over my job, I would just ditch them and go home. If they were that cruel before her transformation, why should she stay with them? Third, Jackson and Mark make it so obvious they like her that it looks fake. It's like you're forcing all the characters to be enamored with Hyejin. In chapter four, how does Hyejin know where Mark's stop is? Got7 sneaks into Hyejin's house in chapter five, and she agrees to play spin the bottle with them? What is this? What happened to being grounded and her brother and his gang in the same house. Hyejin makes too many unrealistic and foolish mistakes. She doesn't think at all. She just do things. Make your characters more realistic. Think of what you would do if you're in her shoes.
Grammar and Spelling: 17/20 Keep your tense the same. Don't switch from past to present tense so many times. Try to use commas to separate a sentence because if you don't it sounds really messy. For example, something like "My phone rang distracting me" which should be "My phone rang, distracting me". It makes that sentence easier to read. Do not use a comma to separate two sentences. This is a big mistake even the best writers tend to make. Always use a semi-colon or a period because you can not just place a comma wherever you want in a sentence. There are so many times where you would forget to write the subject in a sentence. For example, "I couldn't do everything so shoved everything in my bag." should be "I couldn't do everything, so I shoved everything in my bag." Don't forget to write the subject.
Chapter one, P(aragraph)1 "...throwing a spanner in the works was..." should be '...throwing a spanner in the plan were...'
2. P1 "...feels like id trip over my feet if I haven't broken my ankles before that." should be '...felt like I'd trip over my feet if I hadn't already broken my ankles before that.'
3. P8 "Everything's good apart the shoes" should be "Everything's fine besides the shoes,"
4. P10 "I entered the school building while on the phone with him and ignored the highly curious stares my way." should be 'I entered the school, still on the phone with him, and ignored the curious stares sent my way.'
Chapter two, P24 "...he whipped of his snapback..." should be '...he whipped off his snapback...'
Chapter three, P1 "The way they hanged of his arm..." should be 'The way they hung off his arm...'
2. P13 "...having got caught in the act." should be '...having gotten caught in the act.'
3. P14 "...stepping yet more close to me." should be '...stepping closer to me.'
Chapter five, P130 "...last person Mark had left, Jackson he spun around and smiled at me." should be '...last person, Mark, had left, Jackson spun around and smiled at me.'
2. P132 "He stepped to closer to me..." should be 'He stepped closer to me...'
Flow: 11/15 This story started right away on the plan. What's the background history of Hyejin and got7? How did they bully her? Was it emotionally or physically? Start with a background story about how badly they humiliated her and then move on to her plan and remember to explain how she got the idea in the first place! Did it just fly out of nowhere, and she just agreed with it? Explain more before jumping right into the story. Right now, the way you started off the story is like building a house, starting with the door instead of the foundation. Set down a background story that relates to the current story (the foundation), then move on the the side details describing how the story came to be (the walls), then finally you can start with the main plot (the door or furnitures).
Enjoyment: 2/5 While you did do a good job trying to make the plot appealing to the readers, the poor character development and mary-sue OC really threw me off.
Structure: 4/5 Sometimes you don't write a period at the end of a sentence. Don't forget to do this. Otherwise, everything else is neat and easy to read.
Overall: 70/100 The spelling is pretty good, but your grammar, not really. Your main problem is not looking over your word once you're done. Make sure you do because this is crucial. Your next problem is your character development. Give your characters time to get to know each other and get used to each other before having them become literally best friends the next day. Make sure you don't rush into the main plot. Give Hyejin some flaws and have her act realistically because right now she's acting really foolish and annoying, which turns the readers off. One minute, she's saying that she wants to change to get revenge on thsoe who hated her, then the next minute, she's saying how she doesn't want the attention. Which is it? Think from your POV. What would you do if you were her?
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