The Tutor

http://www.asianfanfics.com/story/view/714178/the-tutor-angst-romance--yongguk-originalcharacter-bap-daehyun

About: angst, romance, yongguk, originalcharacter, bap, daehyun

Bleu
Finished on 7/26/2014

Chapters Read 10/10

Author Note–Hello, this is Bleu also known as iShiroKins, the reason I'm writing an author's note is because I've realized that you must be quite upset of how late this review is. Please be assured that we did not forget you, or was it because we were lazy and didn't want to work on your review. We have exactly all of the requests in order. Although this isn't a proper or acceptable excuse for having a late request, the reasons why we've been so backed up is because of the following...Okay, so in April-May a lot of members went on vacation and so on, and then, when they came back, it was not long for them to have their finals. This really gave us the worse situation ever, I'm sure you guys, as fellow authors, know how hard it is to balance Asianfanfiction and school finals. I do not think this will be a good enough excuse or apology for you to look away from this mess-up, but please know that we had no means of showing disrespect or ignorance to this review.

Title 5/5–Perfect, really relevant to the story. If I were to look at it when I'm just scrolling through the forums, I would definitely pick up this story.

Foreword 7/10–Be careful with how you're grammar and spelling is in your foreword. I noticed that in your description, there is quite a few of run-on sentences. You should focus on avoiding run-on sentences. Run-on sentences are sentences that just seem to never stop, there are many topics in this sentence, but there is nothing causing a break in them. A trick I use to figure out whether or not a sentence is run-on or not is by simply reading it out loud. If you feel like you've been reading/talking for quite a while, and there has been no stops or pauses, then that's a run-on sentence. To fix a run-on sentence is quite easy. You could either add a comma-splice, and/but, hyphens, parentheses, ellipses, semi-colons, colons, etc.

Avoid starting a paragraph, chapter, or any narrative piece of literature with, “One day”, “It was a ___ day”, etc. Remember that you're not in elementary/grade school anymore. If you start anything with that phrasing, then it makes your writing feel really childish and not mature whatsoever. No matter what it is, let it be a word in the beginning, middle, end, etc. It will always affect the reader some how. Make sure that you avoid using words that would seem childish, and try to sometimes get out of your comfort zone. Use words that you're not used to, use strategies that you haven't mastered, don't be afraid of going above your limitations. Remember, the only reason people have limits is because of their anxiety. Nothing else.

I don't think you quite understand how to format a description and foreword. You must remember that these two have to be connected someone, preferably about the same main topic. There are many different ways to format a description and foreword, but I'll just tell you the way I would do it. A description is meant to intrigue the reader, almost like luring its prey. You shouldn't have too much in the description, please remember to save some for the foreword as well. A description should just be like a quite passage, nothing too deep into the story. Now, after your description has lured in it's prey, it is now time for the foreword to capture it. A foreword should be the passage that gives the most information, but sometimes, you can also have it as an excerpt; monologue, poem, or quote. Please remember that this page must do the following; intrigue/attract readers, give the RIGHT amount of information to the readers, give your readers a positive attitude as they keep reading onward to the chapters, and lastly, this page shouldn't look too sloppy that it displeases the reader.

Giving just the right amount of information is something you seem to struggle with. Just like in the story “Goldilocks and the Three Bears” it has to be just right. It can't be too little, and it can't be too much. You should never ever give away the , twists, or cliffhangers of your story. Giving away these will completely remove all the suspense in the story.

I was a little bit confused on the mixture of your description and foreword. In your description you made it sound like Minji was going to take the job that was offered to her by this “guy”. But then in your foreword you had Minji talk saying that she didn't want the job. I don't like how your description and foreword don't match with it each other. I have no problems with Minji disagreeing at first, but then later accepting the job. But I don't like how you already told your readers that Minji was going to accept the job. If I were you, I would just remove the whole idea that Minji was going to accept the job in the description, or re-arrange the wording so it doesn't sound like it.

Your foreword aspects don't really compel with the rest of the page. Your foreword just seems, like, it's sticking out. I think you should minimize the font more in your foreword, and maybe changing it to a light grey? I don't like how your foreword font is so big, it really don't seem like it belongs on this page.

Vocabulary

Excerpt[x]–[NOUN] A passage or segment taken from a long word, such as a literary of musical composition, a document, or a film.

[VERB] To take (a part or passage) from a book, speech, play etc

[NOUN] A passage or quotation taken or selected from a book, document, film, or the like; extract

[VERB] To select or use (a passage or segment from a longer work)

[NOUN] A part or passage taken from a book, speech, play, etc, and considered on its own; extract

[VERB] To select or use material from (a longer work)

[VERB] To take or select(a passage) from a book, film, or the like

[VERB]To take or select passages from (a book, film, or the like); abridge by choosing representative sections.

Monologue[x]–[NOUN] A dramatic soliloquy

[NOUN] A literary composition in the form of a soliloquy

[NOUN] A continuous series of jokes or comic stories delivered by one comedian

[NOUN] A long speech made by one person, often monopolizing a conversation.

[VERB] To give or perform a monologue

[VERB] To address a monologue to

[NOUN] (Theater) A long speech made by one actor in a play, film, etc, esp when alone

[NOUN] (Theater) A dramatic piece for a single performer

[NOUN] Any long speech by one person, esp when interfering with conversation

[NOUN] A dramatic or comic piece spoken entirely by a single performer

[NOUN] Any composition, as a poem, in which a single person speaks alone

Poem[x]–[NOUN] A verbal composition designed to convey experiences, ideas, or emotions in a vivid and imaginative way, characterized by the use of language chosen for its sound and suggestive power and by the use of literary techniques such as meter, metaphor, and rhyme.

[NOUN] A composition in verse rather than in prose.

[NOUN] A literary composition written with an intensity or beauty of language more characteristic of poetry than of prose

[NOUN] A creation, object, or experience having beauty suggestive of poetry.

Quote [x]–[VERB] To repeat or copy the words of (another), usually with acknowledgment of the source

[VERB] To cite or refer to for illustration or proof

[VERB] To repeat a brief passage or excerpt from

[VERB] To state (a price) for securities, goods, or services

[NOUN] A quotation

[NOUN] A quotation mark

[NOUN] Used by a speaker to indicate the beginning of a quotation

[NOUN] A dictum; a saying

Correction(s)

1) Mistake–“Things have never been easy for Minji, a teen working as a bartender in SFS Club. Dropped out of school when she's only 16 and travelled to the city alone just to find a job to support her living when there's no one else for her. Just when she thought she's all alone in the world, she met up with a man that she declared as the love of her life. One day, an opportunity to get her out of the hard life she's living in slipped into her life but of course, with risks that she has to take. With her previous problems that didn't seem to fade, and the upcoming difficulties that she has to face, will she be able to shoulder them all?”

1) Correction–“Nothing has ever been given to someone, in every generation, in every offspring, there has always been the need of hard work. Nothing is free in this world, everything needs to be achieved by hard work–let it be from a short to long time span. Minji is pure example of the essence of hard work, a teen working as a bartender in the notorious in-famous SFS Club. Dropping out of school at the age of 16 and having to travel to another city. With no one else willing to support her living, she has no choice but to find a job by herself. Opportunities come and go, opportunities that will bring prosper and those that will bring defeat. All opportunities come with a certain price to pay. With more problems stacking on Minji's shoulder, will she be able to carry them all?”

Plot 16/20–Your plot is okay. I would definitely recommend putting like a sign that there is mature content in this story though. I had expected that there was in this story, but I hadn't believed that it was going to be this intense. Although this isn't heavy , it isn't necessarily light either. I just wish you gave me a little bit more of a warning, I hadn't imagined that it would be this intense. Although there wasn't anything that really made me cringe though.

I was a little bit confused when Himchan introduced Yongguk and you suddenly wrote Minji saying that she doesn't work well with diseased kids. I had no recollection of Yongguk being diseased, I really wonder how Minji got the whole idea that Yongguk was “diseased” I didn't really see any signs that seemed odd or anything.

Remember that the difference between an author and reader is crucial. The author knows all the twists and mysteries of the story, but the readers doesn't. For example, when you wrote that Minji said that she doesn't work well with diseased kids such as Yongguk, I, as the reader, didn't have any clues that Yongguk seemed like he was diseased. I was really confused, and I think that's because you had already assumed that the readers had believed that Yongguk was already believed. Remember that the readers don't know everything you know, it's the authors job to write with enough detail and description that they figure out all these twists and mysteries.

Characters 14/20–I'm a little bit confused with Lola. How did Minji meet Lola? I'm really confused cause there really isn't any background information about Lola, but she seems to make quite an impact to the story since she reappears quite frequently. Also, the name Lola. Is Lola a foreigner? But I felt like she was Korean when you mentioned that she had black hair. Is Lola just a stage name? I'm pretty sure the name Lola isn't a common or even possible name in Korean.

Now let's talk about Yongguk, who is Yongguk? I don't know if it's just me or that I didn't read carefully enough. I kind of got the idea that Yongguk was part of some rich background or something, but I really didn't see any description about it. I think you should give a little bit of some background information about Yongguk as well.

Now for Himchan, who is Himchan? Is he Yongguk's best friend? Is he a family acquaintance? Now same thing with Minji as well, how come she had to get a job at SFS CLUB? You never mentioned why Minji had to do this. What happened to her parents? Relatives? You never gave any information about it.

Overall, I feel like you really lack background information, although all your characters are really well described and their personality is really vivid. I feel like you keep forgetting about the background information. All your characters don't even seem to have any background at all, there is just so much holes in their background that it's quite confusing.

Grammar and Spelling 19/20–You should focus on avoiding run-on sentences. Run-on sentences are sentences that just seem to never stop, there are many topics in this sentence, but there is nothing causing a break in them. A trick I use to figure out whether or not a sentence is run-on or not is by simply reading it out loud. If you feel like you've been reading/talking for quite a while, and there has been no stops or pauses, then that's a run-on sentence. To fix a run-on sentence is quite easy. You could either add a comma-splice, and/but, hyphens, parentheses, ellipses, semi-colons, colons, etc.

There are times when you end up double-spacing instead of just single-spacing. This is probably just an accident, since these mistakes aren't consistent. Or is it because of the format? Remember when whenever you're writing, single-spacing is fine.

Correction(s)

None

Flow 13/15–The only major mistake in your flow is the whole contract between Himchan and Minji. I wish there was a little bit more information about it, I was a little confused about it since I wasn't quite sure about most of the rules. I think you should have a more in-depth description about this contract. Also, is Yongguk even aware of the contract between those two? Is Yongguk really that desperate? I really don't see Yongguk as someone who would resort to those actions just to get comfortable with the opposite gender.

Enjoyment 4/5–There are a lot of holes in your story that I can't possible ignore. For all your charactes, they have no background information. There is a lot of holes in your characters and I feel like you don't even care about their past. You just care about their present. Another thing is, what is with this whole contract? Is Yongguk even aware of this?

Structure 5/5–Perfect, nothing to complain about whatsoever.

Specific Advice Wanted:

Requester Commented–Yes, I want to know if my characters (esp the OC) are mary-sue. I want to know about the flow, plot and characterization and of course, my grammar! I also want to know if my story is interesting or boring or just so so. More advice needed tbh since I'm actually quite new in writing :)

Reviewer Reply–I don't feel like your characters are mary-sue at all, but I really want more background information about your characters. I think background information is the most important thing to make your characters less mary-sue. The flow of your story is okay, but there are a lot of holes in your story. For example, is Yongguk even aware of the contract? Who is Lola actually, how did she meet Minji? How come Minji had to get a job and etc, what happened to her parents or relatives? Is Himchan like, Yongguk's best friend? Or is he like a family acquaintance? And, why is Yongguk so desperate to be comfortable with girls? Your grammar is great, you just have to be careful with starting new paragraphs and run-on sentences. Your story is really interesting, but I feel like there is just so much holes that it gets a little bit boring at times.

Overall 83/100–I noticed that you're a new writer, and the only major advice I want to give you is that your characters NEED background information. You may think that the characters should only live in the present, but you're wrong, they need background information to balance the story. The background information is what makes each character unique and special to the story.