Ms. Introverted
http://www.asianfanfics.com/story/view/713200/ms-introverted-re-write-2ne1-bigbang-jiyong-minzy-romance--mindragon

About: GD(Big Bang)+Minzy(2NE1), romance, uncle+niece,

Katrina
Finished 7/6/14
Note: I apologize for the long wait. Thank you for not canceling.

Title: 3/5 Your title is creative, but it relates too directly to yuor OC. That's one of the problems. The next problem is that it doesn't relate to the story. It doesn't matter if you OC is the center of attention, but the title should still have something to do with the storyline. Yes, Minzy is an introvert. Now what does that have to do with the main plotline? This is neither a symbol. You just took Minzy's introvert personality and made that your title while your story barely touches on that subject. So you say that Minzy's an introvert, but your plot tells the opposite with her warming up to her uncle so quickly.

Foreword: 10/10 I like the definition of "introvert" and the overall comedy feeling of the description. Your foreword does a good job of hooking in readers by being simple and clean and not overdoing the details. I don't any complaints about this. Normally, I hate questions in the description, but in your case, it goes well.

Plot: 15/20 I don't understand how her parents can leave her with someone she has never met before. It was just so sudden. Even if they are close to him, they should give her a choice instead of just introducing him suddenly.

Your plot certainly is unique since it deals with an uncommon type of pairing, but because your flow is so fast, your plot didn't develop very well. All of a sudden, the events get pushed into one another. First, we go a whole week of Minzy not seeing her uncle that much and then, they are confessing to each other. Where's the rising action? What initiated this? How did silence suddenly flow into this? Where did this come from? You follow the plot chronologically, but you didn't give time to establish the relationships correctly before suddenly throwing something right in. You did include a lot of background information though.

Your story also feels really empty. Most people don't do moods in their stories because it is simply too hard that they don't care. However, even stories without moods still have a sliver of them somewhere in there. I didn't feel anything from reading your story. It's mainly due to the fact that your plot didn't develop at all and was rushed that I couldn't stop anywhere to feel for a tone.

Characters: 15/20 Woah. Right from chapter one, that was too sudden. Was that Minzy's first kiss? If it was, wouldn't she be more conflicted? She seemed so calm, especially when she was talking to her parents. It was like she had forgotten about the kiss at that time. If I was kissed by a random person one day, I wouldn't stop thinking about it. Then, she mets Jiyong officially, but she didn't make a big deal out of the kiss. It was like she enjoyed it, but how can she enjoy a kiss from a stranger? Especially if she found out that he was her uncle. I would be very conflicted. What's more is that she's an introvert, so she wouldn't have a lot of contact with the opposite gender. Then, she should be more troubled about the kiss and the new drama in her life. Then, in chapter two, you said that she has a short temper. If that's so, then why didn't she beat Jiyong up after he kissed her?

Another problem is how accepting Gummy is about Jiyong being together with his niece, because when she was talking to Minzy, she seemed really happy. Normally, people wouldn't approve of this type of relationship right away since it was last night that Minzy and Jiyong actually got together. I understand if, let's say, Jiyong's gay, and she's accepting it, because nowadays gayness is starting to be part of everyday society. A uncle and niece love relationship is not very common. I'm not saying it's wrong, and you shouldn't write about this. No, this is your story, and you have a right to write about whatever you want, but I'm saying that you should take into account what other people's reactions might be in your story. Make it more realistic.

Since you gave me some side-characters, you got a 15, but you should really focus on trying to make Jiyong and Minzy's relationship more realistic. I like how you include 2NE1 and sometimes show Minzy's hesitation, but think about other characters, like Gummy as well.

Grammar and Spelling: 18/20 You don't proofread, do you? I catch these tense changes and typos that would not be there if you look over your work. Otherwise, your grammar and spelling are okay.

Chapter two P(aragraph)4 "...he'd definitely not make an effort..." should be '...he definitely did not make an effort...'
2. P8 "Two of those doors probably being bedrooms..." should be 'Two of those doors were probably bedrooms...'
3. P17 "He pushed himself of the wall..." should be 'He pushed himself off the wall...'
4. P29 "She pondered the thought." should be 'She pondered."
5. P32 "Minzy was still in the top her class..." should be 'Minzy was still in the top of her class...'
6. P41 "She often had on think make-up..." should be 'She often had on thick make-up...'

Chapter three P19 "Bon appetite." should be "Bon appetit."

Flow: 9/15 (Specific Advice) Your flow is too fast in chapter one. We just met Minzy, then she's being kissed. Then, she and Jiyong meet already. You did give us background information but at least, give us some time before shoving your characters together in one scene. Then, in chapter two, we immediately skip to Minzy and Jiyong saying bye to her parents and suddenly, she's in his home. You should've given us a scene where at night, she's thinking about Jiyong and her relationship with him or something. 

Then, you keep skipped forward without giving enough time to actually develop Jiyong and Minzy's relationship until you get to chapter four where everything just crashed. All of a sudden, Jiyong is admitting to liking Minzy even though for a whole week, they didn't talk.

Slow down, establish the relationship, make it flow, and then move on. Don't pile everything on top of each other.

Enjoyment: 3/5 Because you rushed so much, I couldn't feel anything from your story.

Structure: 5/5 Everything's neat and organized.

Overall: 78/100 This story did not leave an impact on my at all when I finished. I couldn't remember half of what I'd just read. You have a great amount of potential. When I read your foreword, I was excited to dive into another story with an unusual pairing, because I like this type of drama. I like you initial plot, but then you speeded right through that I didn't have time to see what you really wrote. It was one thing after another that you didn't even pause to give details about. How did Minzy get used to living with her uncle? What EXACTLY was her first week like? Slow down and tell us that first.