Runes of Despair

http://www.asianfanfics.com/story/view/701077/runes-of-despair-action-exo-exok-exom

About: action, romance, exo, exok, exom, Kris(EXO), Mark(GOT7), OC, Luhan(EXO), Kai(EXO)

Bleu
Finished on 7/10/2014

Chapters Read 13/15

Author Note–Hello, this is Bleu also known as iShiroKins, the reason I'm writing an author's note is because I've realized that you must be quite upset of how late this review is. Please be assured that we did not forget you, or was it because we were lazy and didn't want to work on your review. We have exactly all of the requests in order. Although this isn't a proper or acceptable excuse for having a late request, the reasons why we've been so backed up is because of the following...Okay, so in April-May a lot of members went on vacation and so on, and then, when they came back, it was not long for them to have their finals. This really gave us the worse situation ever, I'm sure you guys, as fellow authors, know how hard it is to balance Asianfanfiction and school finals. I do not think this will be a good enough excuse or apology for you to look away from this mess-up, but please know that we had no means of showing disrespect or ignorance to this review.

Title 4/5–I really don't see any relevancy with “runes” in your story. I don't know if it's because I didn't read far enough or you haven't got there or something. I'm really wondering how you're going to bring runes into your story. I feel like your title is eye-catching and unique and all, but I really don't see how it's supposed to be relevant to your story. If you would have maybe wrote about something involving runes or something then maybe I would have understood it more. I won't take out a lot of points because it's not relevant because, who knows, maybe you would add something about runes later on?

Foreword 8/10–Whenever you write a year, such as “Year 2030”, there is no need for a period at the end. After all, it's not a sentence. It doesn't have a subject or a verb. So there is absolutely no need for a period. It's just a headline. Make sure you understand that difference between a sentence and a headline.

Please remember that you shouldn't use a word more than twice in a single sentence, by word, I don't mean like the basic words, but like, the more terminology. I noticed that you sometimes overuse words such as “side”, I think you should look at more synonyms or learn how to write a sentence without these words–remember to use your pronouns as well.

Can you put some sort of border or barrier between your foreword and your author note? I don't know, it just seems way too squished together for me. At first, I thought that your author note was part of the story, but turns out I was wrong. Please make sure you keep a distance between your story and your own notes.

I feel like there is just so much stuff you're throwing at your readers at once. It's like, you have so much terminology with all the; Organization, Holy Government, Holy Governor, Great Uprising, Ordinaries. I think you should keep some of these for secret and reveal them later on in the story, I just feel really overwhelmed when you just suddenly throw all of this information at me.

I can't really tell what I'm supposed to comprehend from this. So apparently, there was this huge uprising with the previous government, and then 10 years later, a new government came called the Holy Government. Then there is also a Holy Governor ruling over the Holy Government. Then there is the Organization that's supposedly trying to go against the Holy Government. So basically the world is split into two? Now what are exactly Ordinaries? Are Ordinaries just the rebels against the Government?

A major problem I see in your foreword is the overuse of commas, please understand that you have to be more versatile and understand other options as well. There are many different strategies such as hyphens(–), semi-colons(;), parentheses(:), and ellipses(...).

Correction(s)

1) Mistake–“Year 2030.”

1) Correction–“Year 2030”

2) Mistake–“All it took was a spark, for the start.”

2) Correction–“All it took was a single spark for the ignition.”

3) Mistake–“The Organization had lost the Great Uprising.”

3) Correction–“The Organization had lost during the Great Uprising.”

Plot 17/20–I really love how you gave the definitions to the Korean words you used in your story. It was really helpful and I'm super surprised that you took the time to do this. I can really tell that you really care about your readers reading, great job.

I enjoy how you have cliffhangers in a bunch of your chapters, but they're a little bit redundant. It's just there over and over every chapter. Sometimes, I just want a simple chapter without any cliffhangers or anything. I just want a relaxing chapter. Having a lot of cliffhangers is better than having none though, but please be careful with having too much or else it'll be too tiring for the readers.

I feel like your plot is just quite boring from what I've read so far, there is just way too many background information and rising action that it's got quite boring so far. In the beginning, I was completely hooked onto your story it was just that interesting. But having read the same atmosphere over and over again has quite made the down turn for me. It's just been so slow that I've completely lost interest in it. My warning to you is that you should be careful of how much build-up you want before your action and what not.

Characters 14/20–I think you should have gave the ages of the people at this “camp” in your foreword or something. There is just so many characters that I'm not sure what age they are and how I should comprehend them. Especially Kyungsoo, I was completely lost at what age he should be and how I should think his personality should be. I really think having a list of the ages will help your readers so much in comprehending.

I think you have way too many characters mentioned in your story. You have like more than twenty probably. There's just so many names to remember and its hard to determine which will make an impact and which are just side dishes. I think the main problem with your characters is that you don't have an importance on those that are needed and those that aren't. There isn't a clear border line between minor and major characters. You treat every character as if it's going to make a huge impact in your story. This isn't good, cause you're basically wasting the readers times and concentration for excess characters when this concentration could go to the story itself.

Grammar and Spelling 18/20–Whenever you're writing dialogue involving a dialogue tag, you don't need to capitalize the first letter of the dialogue tag unless it's before the actual dialogue. For example,”Are you sure?” She whispered as your father nodded grimly.” You don't need to capitalize “She”. If it were,”She whispered,”Are you sure?” though, then then she would need to capitalize “She”.

You have got to be absolutely more versatile with your punctuations, I just see commas and commas and commas over and over again. It's really hard to read when there's so many commas. I think you should split your sentences up a little bit more, there are just way too many long sentences with countless “and” in them.

Whenever you're writing a name, and you wanted to add a suffix to the end of it, such as -ah, make sure you add the hyphen to connect to it. Because if not, it's just like, there's a random suffix in the middle of the sentence. Some examples of what I'm talking about would be;”Eunkyung-ah”,”Hyomin-noona”,”Eunhyuk-sshi”.

Correction(s)

1) Mistake–“Omma, who are 'they'?” You asked curiously...”

1) Correction–“Omma, who are 'they'?” you asked curiously...”

2) Mistake–“Are you sure?” She whispered...”

2) Correction–“Are you sure?” she whispered...”

3) Mistake–“Governess Jung!” Your mother cried...”

3) Correction–“Governess Jung!” your mother cried...”

4) Mistake–“Omma!” You screamed...”

4) Correction–“Omma!” you screamed...”

5) Mistake–“We're going to the punishment cell, I'll let you see what busybodies get,.”

5) Correction–“We're going to the punishment cell, I'll let you see what busybodies get,”

6) Mistake–“What if I said that I'm here to break you guys out?” He questioned softly...”

6) Correction–“What if I said that I'm here to break you guys out?” he questioned softly...”

Flow 11/15–Your plot is way too slow, at first I was completely hooked to your story but as it just kept dragging on, I quickly ran out of interest in it. I think you should fasten the pace a little bit more, and include some more action early on. Having cliffhangers is good, but having them in almost every single chapter gets quite redundant.

Enjoyment 3/5–At first I was absolutely hooked on to your story, I was literally holding my breath through the whole first and second chapters. But, since you just dragged your story by so much, I really got bored out by your story. Something else I would like to say is that you introduced way too much characters that it really overpowered the plot itself.

Structure 4/5–Like I said before in Grammar and Spelling, you need to be more versatile with your punctuations. You tend to just use commas and ellipsis. Right now, I'm going to introduce you to some other options you could use and the specific qualities needed to use these options.[x]

Ellipses[...] are used to suggest hesitation, attempt to conceal something, signal a trailing or unfinished thought, indicate difficulty in directly expressing oneself, or denote the omission of part of an original material within a quotation. Different style guides have different rules regarding the use of ellipses.

Commas [,] should separate any two words or phrases in a series of three or more. When a dependent clause precedes an independent clause in a complex sentence, a comma should separate the two. The introductory words yes and no should best set apart by commas. Commas should offset nonrestrictive phrases and nonrestrictive clauses, which are groups of words that don't contain information that is needed to interpreting the meaning of the sentence. Commas should offset parenthetical expressions, words of direct address, and appositives. Use commas to separate a quotation from interrupting text. Use commas to separate a quotation from interrupting text. A comma should be used to separate a city from a state. In text, a comma should also follow the state. A comma should be used within dates to separate two textual elements or two numerical elements that appear next to each other. A comma should follow the salutation of an informal letter.

Semicolon[;] is used between two related, independent clauses. A semicolon can be used to precede conjunctive adverbs, such as however or therefore that connect sentence elements of equal rank. When a sentence has a series of elements that contains one or more commas, the division between the elements should be marked with a semicolon.

Colons[:] should be used to herald/signal/bring, something that immediately follows an independent clause. The colon should be used to separate hour from the minute when expressing standard time. A colon should be used between the title and subtitle of a book. A colon should follow the salutation of a formal letter. A colon can be used between two independent clauses if the second explains, expands upon, or illustrates a point made in the first.

Hyphens[-,–,—] should be used to divide a word at the end of a line when it is necessary for stylistic purposes and the entire word will not fit on one line. Words should be divided between syllables. Use hyphens with spelled-out compound numbers from twenty-one to ninety-nine if they function as adjectives. Use hyphens with fractions that are spelled out and used as adjectives. If one of the numbers in the fractions already has hyphens, don't use another one. A hyphen should be used to join many prefix to a proper adjective or a noun. There are some prefixes that should always be hyphenated. Hyphenate a compound adjective when it precedes the word it modifies and when doing so it helps clarity. Don't hyphenate if one of the modifiers is an adverb ending in –ly. Use hyphens to prevent confusion and awkwardness.

Parentheses [( )] are used to enclose supplementary or explanatory material that interrupts the main sentence. If the material within a pair of parentheses is a complete sentence that is not located within another sentence a period should be added before the closing parentheses. If the parentheses occur within a sentence, a period before the closing parentheses is unwanted.

Specific Advice Wanted:

Reviewer Reply–The characters aren't mary-sue whatsoever, but there were way too my characters in your story. I think you need to emphasize more on their ages and the border line in between major characters and minor characters. The story isn't the most easiest to read and comprehend, there are just so many factors stopping that. I think because you have so many characters, some of the readers concentration goes more to remember the characters names instead of the story itself. Another thing is that you use way too many commas, please be more versatile. Grammar and vocabulary is good, but I think there is something you need to learn. You need to learn that sometimes, a lot isn't always the best. Description and portrayal of characters is rather luck luster, there really isn't anything that's like, really defining them. There are just way too many characters introduced in this story.

Overall 79/100–I think you need to work on properly what characters you should focus on, and which you shouldn't focus as much on. Another thing is that I'm literally begging you to make your story faster and introduce some more action. I think your cliffhangers were more of a curse to you, there was just way too much that it got really redundant and it removed the element of surprise. Overall, I feel like you have a lot of excess factors that's taking up the readers concentration.