Fallen of the Angelus
http://www.asianfanfics.com/story/view/679240/fallen-of-the-angelus-apink-infinite-romance-supernatural-you-exo-bts

About: Kris(Exo)+OC, romance, supernatural,

Ahri
Finished 3/19/14

Title: 5/5 I guess this could work, but it's not the best.

Foreword: 8/10 Starting off your story with a quote is one of the best ways to hook readers in, especially if it's from a book, or in other words, a real person, instead of a quote by a character in your story! Already, one can tell what one of the genre in the story is. Your foreword is pretty good, except for two mistypes. First of all, it should be in past tense because your description is describing events that has not happened yet because the reader didn't start reading the story, right? So it should be in present tense. Otherwise, great details, especially the way you place them together!
1. "...she got no choice but to return where she belonged..." should be '...she has no choice but to return to where she belongs...'
2. "recrudecence" should be 'recrudescence'
3. "...love seems to tangled upon her way." should be '...love seems to tangle upon her way.'

Plot: 16/20 How did Lana meet Exo? How did she end up living with them? That should be your first priority to explain as you start the story. It shouldn't come in later. It should come in right away. How does one girl end up living with all these guys and why. There are a lot of plot holes. How did Exo meet the werewolves? Who is Exo? What are they? So many things need to be described earlier. You don't describe anything in detail until the later chapters. Stop focusing so much on dialogue and focus on personal emotions and the setting. The plot is also quite cliché despite the attempts you made to make it original. So you gave Lana a special history, but she is still surrounded by hot guys- two groups of guys, in fact. Give her a more realistic life.

Characters: 14/20 Your character description shouldn't be a whole chapter, and it definitely shouldn't include all the characters that comes along in the story. If you are using it as a reference, you should place it separately in a Words document or anything, because leaving it in the open really spoils the story for the readers since they now know everything about a character from a guide instead of finding out by themselves throughout the story. Allowing the readers to find out as they read along will create mysteries for them to solve or allow them to connect with the characters more instead of having all this information for them. Also, you should check your measurements on google for Lana Wayland since 47kg is not that close to 160.3 lbs. In chapter one, how does Lana know that the man in the meadow was feeling guilty? Did it show on his face? Describe it if it did. Show that he was guilty instead of only writing that he was guilty. Also, why won't Lana tell the others about her dream? Is she afraid they'll think she's going crazy? Explain why she won't tell them instead of just saying that she doens't want to tell. Also, Lana acts really moody. One moment, she's happy; the next, she's yelling at the person closest to her even though he only said one word. This makes her seem childish and may repel readers from your story. Try to give her more reasons to be angry instead of just being pissed off at a dream that she had in one day. I know that if I have a dream where somebody tells me my mother is actually a supernatural being, I wouldn't freak out over it because it's just a dream (I know it's not actually a normal dream, but Lana didn't exactly know that in chapter one, did she?) but I would imagine what would happen if I have supernatural powers instead of worrying about it. When Lana's kidnapped in chapter four, she acts like it's normal instead of being scared. She could be murdered any minute yet she's not showing any fear. You can write that she put on a brave facade, but she still has to be scared inside. In the story, you did mention that your characters are Asian. If so, why are their last names not Asian. I am not trying to be racist, but this really sticks out because I don't care if you use Exo members but then say that they aren't Asian in your story, but if you do say that they are Asian. That the characters in your story are Asian, not just in real life, then their names should correspond to their ethnicity. The part that sticks out the most is how your characters speak. Think of the dialogue and repeat it out loud. Do you usually say those things out loud in everyday life to your friends or family members? Is this what people actually say to each other? Because it sounds like they are only saying these things because you want them to, not because it's realistic. Lana is a complete Mary-Sue. She is surrounded by guys, has a special family history, and is now targeted by everyone. Give her some flaws. Give her something, anything, to make her more realistic. Describe her emotions more instead of focusing on dialogue.

Grammar and Spelling: 15/20 You tend to switch tenses a lot. Try to stick to only one throughout the story. Sometimes you mess up "their, they're, there' or 'you're and your'. You also have a few problems with plural and singular things. For example, you wrote "some stuffs" and that should be "some stuff". One thing that really catches my attention is when you use the wrong tense for certain verbs. "I am not as stupid as you to actually left her there!" should be 'I am not as stupid as you to actually leave her there!" Leave sounds better than left, right?

Chapter one, P(aragraph)1 "His hair is sure thing messy enough for a bird to have mistaken it for a nest but even so with the messy hair, he still is one of the top notch dude." This is technically grammatically correct, but it's considered by many as wrong, so I only replaced a few words to make it sound better. 'His hair stuck out in every direction like a bird's nest but even so, I still considered him as my best friend.'
2. P7 "...every shorties in the world will surely not notice your head..." should be "...every shortie in the world will surely not notice your head...'
3. "Hesistating" should be "Hesitating"

Chapter two, I can't tell you the paragraph number because it's hard to see which is one paragraph and which is the other. "...she stranggled my neck..." should be '...she strangled me...'

Flow: 12/15 You begin the story right on the dialogue. What's going on? Give a description of the background information, what's going on, who are the characters, etc. Don't start on the dialogue and think that the readers will catch on and know what's going on. Give more information to start off the story.

Enjoyment: 2/5 There are so many plotholes, grammar mistakes, and unrealistic moments that make me cringe. I know this is a supernatural story, so it doesn't have to be that realistic but try to add in some realism at least to make it belieable.

Structure: 4/5 There are spaces between your lines at some parts in the story, making it hard to tell which is one paragraph and which is not, so try to fix that. When switching POV, write it "Kris's POV" at the top instead of writing it in the author's note. Also, in chapter one, there is a gif of rain falling down underneath your words. While it is creative, there really isn't any point to it. Is it a symbol to your story, or is it just for making it pretty?

Overall: 76/100 The foreword started off the story greatly and really made it look professional and well-written, but you have so many mistakes. The grammar needs some more work, like looking over after you're done writing, the plot is full of holes, and the characters act so unrealistically. It's almost as if Lana is a self-insert, like you want to be her, she is your dream life, and you are imagining what life would be like if you're her. Give her flaws; make her relatable. Also, slow down your flow, focus on setting, personal emotions, and background information, and stop spending all of your time on dialogue. Dialogue is important, but so is the setting and the emotions. Don't focus on only one thing.