Let Out The Beast
http://www.asianfanfics.com/story/view/600172/let-out-the-beast--exo-baekyeol

About: Baekhyun(EXO)+Chanyeol(EXO), , high school

Roseline
Finished on //2014
Note: I apologize for the long wait. Thank you for not canceling.

Title: 2/5 Two points for creativity. Three points off because it doesn’t relate to the story. How does this relate, in any way, to your plot? Did you just take this title because it’s the name of a song, or because you needed a title? I tried so hard to connect it to the story, but I can’t. Another reason for that is because your plot is so rushed and undeveloped, I can’t find a point for this to link to. Your title suggested to me that Baekhyun would “let out” his feelings to Chanyeol and make him understand the intensity of it, but he didn’t. All he did was tell Chanyeol how he felt and then run away. There was no “beast” in that.

Foreword: 9/10 First of all, “found himself fulfilling not only his desire” should be ‘finds himself fulfilling not only his desires.’ Second, your foreword is neat and clean enough for the readers to be able to read. Your description, however, could use one extra word, like how his finds himself at that point. You can say “Baekhyun finds himself fulfilling his wishes with his best friend” or something like that. You only need to add in a few words, and you’re set!

Plot: 9/20 I had high hopes for your plot when I read your foreword. It showed me so much potential- so much building action. Your story, however, showed me nothing. There was no development to get the pace going. It didn’t feel real. The plot is not stable at all. There is no background information. What is Baekhyun doing in a bar at his age? Why is he working like that? It seems like this is a story based on pure , with no separate storyline to keep it interesting. Show me how Baekhyun and Chanyeol meet, get together, break up, and then make up. Show me the process. Don’t jump around. Focus on little details, not just the big image.

Specific Advice: You did not deliver the plot well. You focus too much on the big problem without paying attention to small things such as the characters’ emotions, their inner turmoil, and many other tiny details. Think through your plot and organize it before writing. Make an outline. Pay more attention to small things.

Characters: 8/20 If Baekhyun’s a high school student, then how did he get his job? He works in a bar for es, and I’m pretty sure it’s illegal for high school students to be there. I find it even more surprising that the manager allows this and even gives Baekhyun to a customer. Is this an illegal business that Baekhyun’s somehow part of? Does he need to do this for money because he’s poor? He doesn’t show any sign of it. In fact, it’s almost like Baekhyun enjoys his position.

I know you introduced who Chanyeol was in the middle of chapter one, but you need to tell us who is he earlier. When Baekhyun first approached Chanyeol in the bar, he only thought of why the latter was there. Then afterwards, he gets called away and forgets about him. The readers don’t even know who Chanyeol is at first. I’m not telling you to reveal everything about Chanyeol right away, but you should tell us what his relationship with Baekhyun is at the start. Another problem is that Baekhyun doesn’t to mind that his best friend, who is the same age as he is, is in a bar that should only be allowed for eighteen year olds. Why isn’t he affected? Chanyeol also knows that Baekhyun works there, so why didn’t he stop Baekhyun earlier, before he took the job? Do they need the money that desperately?

Third, you don’t convey your characters’ emotions very well. You basically point out what they want to do. For example, you would write “Chanyeol knew this or that. He could not leave his best friend. He decided to do this.” Don’t tell us yourself. Show what Chanyeol’s thinking and blend his actions with his thoughts. You can say “Chanyeol couldn’t leave his best friend, because that was too cruel. He face-palmed himself and groaned in frustration. What did he just do? Looking down at Baekhyun’s cute sleeping face, he slowly came to the conclusion that he was screwed. Literally.” See how I added a “cute” and “literally” at the end? They show Chanyeol’s emotions regarding his situation. Put yourself in your characters’ shoes, think of what you would feel in their situation, and write it down. Make it like a diary.

Why would Baekhyun blow up on Chanyeol so suddenly? What led up to that? I don’t remember him saying anything to Chanyeol about love that night. Actually, he didn’t even think about loving his best friend. We just know that he had to obey his friend’s wish, because he needed to help him. Then, you skip forward so many days, and a whole bunch of other stuff happen, and it ends. Where is the development?

Are your characters realistic? No, because you don’t present to us their feelings or anything. They are like puppets controlled by you to create a plot. They don’t even have lives of their own. What are their lives like? What are their personalities like? What are their flaws that make them human?

Grammar and Spelling: 14/20 Woah, girl. You change from past to present tense a lot; sometimes more than once in each sentence. Try to look over your work once you’re done, so you don’t make more mistakes like this. That’s the only solution I can give you, because you show that you understand how the tenses work, but you just don’t seem to be aware that you are making these mistakes.

I noticed that you would write “in love” as “in-love”. The first way is the correct way, because “in” and “love” are two separate words.

Third, I noticed that you tend to use the same words over and over again. Sometimes you would have the word “just” in consecutive sentences, and that makes the word redundant. Use synonyms or don’t use the word at all.

Chapter one P(aragraph)1 “…where a lot of heartbroken people go to the bar…” should be ‘…when a lot of heartbroken people went to the bar…’
2. P12 “…to start an arguement with Chanyeol…” should be ‘…to start an argument with Chaneyol…’

Flow: 3/15 (Specific Advice) Too fast. That’s all I can say. You rushed through everything so much that I can’t comprehend your plot. I can’t enjoy this if I don’t know what’s going on. Chapter one, Baekhyun comes in. We know nothing about him. Yes, we know who he is, what age he is, and where he works, but that’s all. What is he like? Is he kind, cold, or cruel? Then, we skip to him with Chanyeol, who we know absolutely nothing about (again). After that, we skip days forward, and Baekhyun ends the friendship with no warning prior. What led up to that? We don’t know anything about Chanyeol’s relationship with his girl or Baekhyun’s role in it, but you skip to that part and acted like we knew. You should’ve established Baekhyun’s part in the story, then add in Chanyeol slowly, and finally, show us how Baekhyun felt after that night. Show us his agony during the days between that night and when he went to school instead of skipping forward. Even after this, you still rushed to the ending. Why? It’s like Baekhyun’s bipolar. He blows up on Chanyeol but then forgives him right afterwards without any links pointing to it. Slow down. Establish your background information.

Enjoyment: 1/5 I couldn’t catch up with what you’re trying to write. The relationship between Baekhyun and Chanyeol is not developed at all, but the story ends right there.

Structure: 5/5 Everything’s neat and organized.

Overall: 51/100 There is no pace. The development is barely there, and the characters are very lacking. This is a case of poor planning. You are one of those writers that are too into your work that you don’t notice the other small details surrounding the big problem in your work. You don’t notice the inconsistencies or the flaws. Don’t think only about the main conflict. In a story, there is never one conflict. No matter how small, there are always tiny conflicts that don’t catch your eye at first, but that’s why you have to pay more attention. That’s why in English class, your teacher makes you decipher the meaning of the story