White Melody for Heaven
http://www.asianfanfics.com/story/view/656333/white-melody-for-heaven--exo-luhan-sehun-hunhan-kaisoo-selu

About: Luhan(Exo)+Sehun(Exo), Kai(Exo)+D.O(Exo), romance, , fluff, hospital, patient, volunteer, coma, amnesia

Ahri
Finished 4/13/14

Title: 4/5 It doesn't really relate that well to your story, like I can see how it can somehow...but there's really no relationship to your overall plot or any discreet point in the story.

Foreword: 9/10 First of all, this has nothing to do with your review (or score), but I really like the light flowers in your foreword since they enhance the delicate tone of your story.

Now, on to your foreword. It's really nice and clean, and the way you write it (or maybe it's the font color and size) feels delicate, like a bright spring morning out in the garden.

The only things are are three sentences in your foreword. "One touch made the two wanting more" and "One kiss made the two wanting each other", the "wanting" should just be 'want', no 'ing' at the end. Next, the sentence "Love is imperfect, But we complete..." should be 'Love is imperfect, but we complete...'

Otherwise, I love your foreword and the nice mood it gives up since it really prepares and hooks the readers into the story.

Plot: 20/20 I'm not sure about how Luhan gets to stay in a VIP room because I don't think that's legal. That is a hospital, but because I don't know much about this topic, I'm not going to take points off, but I just want to ask you if that's okay. Even if he's a volunteer, I don't think he's special enough to get his room. Also, how does Sehun get free medical treatment because I'm pretty sure that's not exactly legal or allowed. Again, I'm not gonna take points off because I don't know a lot about this.

Your plot has a cliché outline; boy meets silent artist, etc. However, you build on it with a different setting that gives the story a nice, pristine mood, like baby breaths. I think of soft colored flowers by the window in a beautiful garden. It's like a soft watercolor painting. Doing the mood is very hard, so great job on that! Next, I love how you add in the hospital and how Luhan is a volunteer, and how the little kids love him. I also LOVE the sideplot of Jongin and Kyungsoo! I love sideplots, especially if it's this angsty plot like their's.

Characters: 16/20 While I love Sehun and Luhan's cute relationship, I don't like how they suddenly get so close. First they are pretty shy around each other, and it goes by slow, but then ALL OF A SUDDEN they kiss and next thing we know, there comes another girl in chapter five (four). Don't rush into their relationship. Take it slowly. Jongin and Kyungsoo are fine, but Sehun and Luhan's needs to slow down. Let them spend more time together as friends before forcing them to kiss.

Grammar and Spelling: 16/20 Right from the beginning of chapter one, you switched tenses. I know tenses are really annoying, but remember, if you started your story in past tense, keep it that way no matter what, unless it's dialogue. When you're describing Luhan's current life, you use present tense like "He's a volunteer." No matter what, use past tense.

Another problem with your grammar is how you write your verbs. Your verb tenses are kind of mixed up since sometimes, you write them perfectly and other times, you don't. For example, "He was talking" is correct, but I saw you write something like "He talking." This is incorrect because, well it doesn't sound right anyway, correct? When the verb ends in "ing", use "was" or "is" in front of it. If it doesn't end in "ing" like "He talked", then you don't need a "was" or "is".

If there is an adverb like 'quickly' in 'She quickly ran', the sentence would be like that. Do not do "She quickly running", just no "ing" at the end.

Chapter 1 (Prologue) P(aragraph)23 "...and patting his head while the boy on Luhan's shoulder." should be '...and patted his head while the boy leaned on Luhan's shoulder.'
2. P32 "And he sees him, The boy who always silent. Drawing something on his sketch book." should be 'He saw him; the boy who was always silent. As usual, he was drawing something in his sketch book.'
3. P37 "...recalled the concersation with the nurse..." should be '...recalled the conversation with the nurse...'

Chapter 2 P7 "I'm curious of his voice." should be 'I'm curious about his voice.'
2. P10 "...the taller just shaked his head..." should be '...the taller one just shook his head...'
3. P14 "He even brought me a white tulips!" should be "He even brought me white tulips!"

Chapter 3 P3 "The taller envy the other. So freely express his feelings with his words meanwhile he can't or more likely don't want to." should be 'The taller one envied the other for his ability to express his feelings with his words freely while he couldn't.
2. P5 "One eyecontact made thier heart beat increasing" should be 'One eye contact made their heart beat increase.'
3. P33 "But he have heard you..." should be "He heard you..."
4. P36 "Yuta clings to Kyungsoo's tigh for dear life" should be 'Yuta clung to Kyungsoo's thigh tightly.'

Chapter 4 P6 "...to Luhan's face. While jumping happily" should be '...to Luhan's face while jumping happily.'
2. P15 "How can he doesn't remember me?" should be "How come he doesn't remember me?"
3. P16 "I'm sorry I don't know Mr. Do but he remembers his parents's name though. I don't know why he didn't remeber you..." should be "I'm sorry. I don't know, Mr. Do, but he remembers his parents' names though. I just don't know why he doesn't remember you...'
4. P26 "Luhan is waiting 'the boy' under the tree when the person he waited approach his side, sitting and start to opening his sketch book." should be 'Luhan was waiting for 'the boy' under the tree when he approached him, sitting down silently and opening his sketch book.'

Flow: 13/15 I just don't like how you start off slowly but then suddenly rush Luhan and Sehun's relationship and add in drama out of nowhere. The relationship was going fine as friends, and it even feels like they just kissed in two days of knowing each other. Luhan finding out Sehun's name is good enough; there's no need to have them kiss the next moment.

Enjoyment: 5/5 Despite the flow, I really liked the mood of your story because there's this light, pure feeling to it, and moods are really difficult to do, so amazing job.

Structure: 4/5 Remember, if a number is less than 10, you have to write it out. In chapter two, around the beginning, you wrote "2" like that, but it should be 'two'.

Never forget to put a period after a sentence. Remember to look over your work when you're done to make sure you didn't do anything wrong!

You might want to look at your chapter 5 (four) because the top says "{CONTENTID2} Surround text in your story with these tags to display it". I'm not gonna take points off, but I'm going to point it out.

Overall: 87/100 The area that needs the most work is your grammar. Your spelling is fine, but your grammar needs a little help, but it's fine since English isn't your first language. I do like how you try to use some vocabulary, and you do a good job with that. Your characters though, especially Sehun and Luhan's relationship, need some work. Give them time before making them kiss and then adding drama.