heart_and_seoul
❁Crimson Twilight Review Shop❁ {PAUSED/Finishing requests}
After Earth
About: OC+Chanyeol(EXO) action, adventure, apocalypse, romance, exo, chanyeol, ocgirl
Bleu
Finished on 5/4/2014
Title 5/5–Although the title did scream to me as a rather cliché and supernatural story, I didn't necessarily hate it, I just felt like it wasn't as eye-catching and pleasant as I would have preferred. I'm pretty sure this could be a title for a movie, but I'm not that sure. Anyway, your title is perfectly relevant to the story, after all, the story is based on Earth after the plague which killed almost 95% of the current human population and left only 5% fighting for their lives–with the limited resources and anything that could really have them live a peaceful life. I myself, would have wished this title was a little less straightforward and have it more symbolic to the story, but, the way you have it now is good as well.
Foreword 8/10–Your description paragraph and the “The Time Before” paragraph is just way too long. I feel like, to make your foreword look a lot better and interesting, you should separate your paragraph into segments; and make it almost like a poem format. The reason why is because the first moment I saw your review, it looked really overwhelming because of these huge paragraphs, that's why I think you should separate them. Another thing I would to say is that there are many ways you could do to separate your paragraphs, such as just indenting, centering, left-aligning, or right-aligning. These are just the common ones I've seen, you can easily make up your own and be creative.
Something else I would like to say is that I really like the nursery rhyme you had in your foreword, to me, this nursery rhyme I wasn't the most familiar, but I did recognize the last sentence “We all fall down”. At first, I wasn't quite sure why you had the note there, but as I kept reading on and thinking about it I really understood why. That nursery rhyme is really nice, and I find it really relevant, I would have preferred if the nursery rhyme was the first thing the readers saw, but the way you have it now is good as well. The reason I find this nursery rhyme relevant is because this nursery rhyme was a supposed urban legend about the great plague in England, which led to the creation of saying “Bless you” whenever we sneeze, and in your story, the world broke down with an incurable disease, which I'm assuming was a plague of some sort.
Your description and especially your foreword paragraphs gave a little bit too much information. The ideas that she joins a group of survivors and her home being destroyed is a little bit, inconsistent. There is no need for these events really, you're pretty much giving out the whole plot of the story. This is why I feel like your description and foreword gave a little bit too much information. I would have liked if you had just left this out, or just make it so hidden that it's not so straight-forward.
Your description felt really lack lustered. The main reason is because it's just so straight-forward. There really isn't anything exciting, even if it does tell the readers the information about the story, it is really just too overwhelming, it's really boring how you just tell the readers the information, have them figure it out, don't tell them. That's the main issue I feel that makes your foreword and description look so, overwhelming.
Another thing I would like to say is that I think your foreword paragraph, including the poem, should be switched around with the description. Mainly because I think the nursery rhyme should be the first thing the readers see, so that it will grab the readers attraction. Also, the thing that grabs the readers attraction should come first, which in your case, is your whole foreword section. Then later on, what should come next, is the information. So basically, your description grabs the readers attention, while your foreword is the one that gives the readers it's information about the story.
In the following corrections I'll be making, I will just be adding some ideas of separating your paragraphs that I think will look good, you don't have to follow them, but these are just my suggestions...
❁”The end of the world has come and gone, and most of what is left of Earth is scraped away by floods, storms, diseases and Removers, who are ready to take away any spotted survivors away for test experiments or even worse fates. It is a hardscrabble life for the remaining people, as they must fight amongst each other in order to survive. Kang Yuna is no different from the other survivors, scavenging what is left of Earth's resources and fighting for her survival. One day, she is running from a pack of wild hounds when a mysterious boy, Chanyeol, comes into her life and rescues her. He then convinces her to join him in search for a group of survivors. She promptly joins in, after her home is destroyed, and they embark on a thrilling journey filled with romance, survival and, of course, some badass bad-guy -kicking.” should be...
“The end of the world has come...and gone.
Most of what is left on Earth is being swept away by floods, storms, diseases, and the Removers...
Removers are those who are specialized in taking away any spotted survivors away for test experiments, or even something that can gradually change their fates. The life of the remaining people are hardscrabble, they must fight amongst each other in order to survive.
Kang Yuna. No different than the other survivors, is left alone on Earth, scavenging what is left of Earth's resources and fighting for her own survival.
All seemed prevail for Yuna when her life was on the risk of extinction, until someone came into her life. Chanyeol...
What will become of the survivors? What will become of Kang Yuna? Will she live? Will she die? Embark on a thrilling journey with them, let it bring your romance, survival, and of course, some villain -kicking.”
❁”Yuna had heard rumors. Strange foreign men in creepy white hazmat suits busting into survivors' camps and abducting any healthy human away to the Institution to be human guinea pigs and be tested on for abominable science experiments. These so-called self-acclaimed scientists had been searching for a cure to the viral smallpox pandemics for years, but all their efforts were in vain, since there were more people dead all together than left on Earth. She remembered the frantic reports breaking all over the news when the disease first broke out in New York, a huge metropolitan city in North America. From there, it extended widely across the every corner of the globe, spreading havoc and hysteria wherever it went. It eventually found its way to the Oriental regions; namely Korea. She reminisced about the countless times her mother held Yuna tightly in her arms as the news of people dying or dead came on. The constant instructions that the intentional news channel gave stayed imprinted in her brain. "Do not leave your designated homes, barricade all possible openings in your respective homes, report to the local authorities as soon as possible if any one of your acquaintances and/or family members are infected." A sad smile spread over her face as she thought of those days.” should be,”Yuna had heard many rumors in her life. Strange foreign men in creepy white Hazmat suits busting into the survivor camps and abducting any health human they can find away to the Institution. From then on, they're human guinea pigs and to be tested on for abominable science experiments. These so-called self-acclaimed scientists had been searching for a cure to this viral smallpox pandemics for years. All of their efforts were in vain though, since there were more people dead all together than left on Earth. She remembered the frantic reports breaking all over the news when the disease first broke out in New York, a huge metropolitan city in North America. From then on, it extended widely across every corner of the globe, spreading havoc and hysteria wherever it went. It eventually its way to the more remote regions; namely Korea. She reminisced about the countless times her Mother held Yuna tightly in her arms as the news of people dying or dead came on. The constant instructions that the international news channel gave stayed imprinted in her brain. “Do not leave your designated homes, barricade all possible openings in your respective homes, report to the local authorities as soon as possible if any one of your acquaintances and/or family members are infected.” A sad smile spread over her face as she thought of those days.”
Plot 20/20–To me I felt like this really reminded me of a published novel. It was exactly what I would have read if it was something like, Divergent, Hunger Games, Game of Thrones, any sci-fi adventure type story. To me, it didn't feel like something a fan would write, but an author would write. But the plot though, it wasn't that much of a one of a kind plot, it was rather cliché. It really reminded me of the movie, World War Z. End of the world? Barely any people living? Deadly disease? More people dead than alive on Earth? This just reminds me of a super cliché story, but the way you wrote it made me feel otherwise. Although it was cliché, I felt really intrigued by the story so I have no complaints really. To me, I know I'm those type of people that say that stories shouldn't be cliché or mary-sue, but sometimes, if a really well-written story is cliché, I do not care, cause it's just really interesting that I don't even care about whether or not it's cliché or mary-sue. I really like how much twists and cliffhangers you have, it really makes the reader on the edge of their seat. I feel like, this story is really well-written and I would definitely follow this story and whatever you write as well. This story really made my day, cause I was just so sick and tired of stories that are horrible and it's super messy and just hard to read. Something I would say is that I think your story is those types that are draggy, meaning, there is a lot you must expose before really going into all the conflict and the .
Characters 20/20–I really enjoy your characters, they were perfectly written and I really enjoy the relationship between Chanyeol and Yuna. Although I wish there was more hate than love, it's still pretty interesting. I feel like, your character development is perfect and although your story is a little bit too draggy, the characters make up for it. To me, I wasn't a huge fan of the idea of the survivors of Earth fighting each other to live, but I guess as long as the story was good, I shouldn't mind. Something I was wondering throughout the whole story, and I don't think it was answered but, how did these survivors survive the plague? Was it something they did? Or was it like, something they were immune to. Cause for Yuna, her mother died of the plague, but magically, it didn't go onto Yuna? I was really confused on this. I really wanna know more about the plague really, and how it really inflicted the characters decisions and their current morale. To me, I felt like your characters are really vivid, and you didn't throw characters at the reader at random times and you described them all pleasantly. You knew exactly what the difference of minor and major protagonists and antagonists were.
Grammar and Spelling 20/20–For a person that is not an English native speaker, I would say that your English is pretty much perfect. I think that's an understatement though, I think your English critique is better than 80% of the current English native speakers, it really matches the high level writers such as J.K Rowling, the authors of Divergent or Hunger Games. I feel like there are a few times where you have some mistakes though, but they can be easily fixed by just spell-checking. I really can't find anything wrong with your grammar and spelling, really makes my job rather boring. All I want to say is that you did an immensely good job at this, and I myself, could never write anything like this.
Flow 15/15–The flow is a little draggy to me, especially for a story that isn't that long. I wish it was a little more sped up, or have your chapters a little bit shorter. I don't know why, but whenever I read long chapters, it really makes me less wanting to read the story at all. Maybe it's just my laziness or something. I wish I could point something wrong, but your story is perfect! Your flow is amazing and your transitions are really good, and you know exactly when to put new information for the readers.
Enjoyment 5/5–I really enjoyed the story and it was really well, a reminder to me that the old classics that I read as a child has not been lost and it'll always be in our current generation as well. I know this makes me sound as if I'm a old adult, but trust me, I'm not. Just trying to make an emphasize that's all. Although you story wasn't the most unique and creative out of the rest of the supernatural stories, it was really interesting mainly because of the way you wrote it. I would definitely recommend this story, and I can really tell why other review shops gave you a really high score.
Structure 5/5–Your structure is perfect, and although I would complain of your huge text, it really fits your story and creates the right atmosphere. I really enjoyed having the huge text, not only did it make it easier for me to read since your paragraphs are rather lengthy. It also made me feel that this story wasn't as boring as I thought it would be. Your paragraph spacings, font size, type, and color are perfect the way it is, and I definitely don't have anything to complain about.
Overall 98/100–To me, this story was absolutely perfect. There were no mistake at all for me to correct, which kinda made me sad cause I didn't do much in this review, but overall, I am definitely recommending this story and putting it in our recommendation page (check it out if you must). I feel like, this story definitely reminds some people that the classics aren't gone, and they can really relive their childhoods through this story.
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