Can You See It?
http://www.asianfanfics.com/story/view/684410/can-you-see-it-amber-angst-kryber-krystal-romance-taemin-taestal

About: Krystal(f(x))+Amber(f(x)), Taemin(SHINee)+Krystal(F(x)), romance, waitress, college, love triangle

Ahri
Finished 4/26/14

Title: 1/5 Your title is too general and common. It doesn't help with the story because it could relate to anything. It isn't a good hook for your story nor is it a unique title.

Foreword: 5/10 Where is your description? When I opened this, all I see are the characters. Readers want to see the description first. The characters can come after.

First, let's start with your description. Who's he? Amber or Taemin? In the first paragraph, it sounds like you're talking about one guy, but in the second paragraph, it sounds like you're talking about another guy. If so, specify which one is "he" and which is the other "he" because this is really confusing. 2 students, 1 guy, what does that mean? Well, first off, in a story, you always have to write numbers lower than ten out in word form, so "2" would be 'two'. Second, by two students, do you mean Amber and Taemin? If that's so, then it would be Two guys, one girl. Either way, your description doesn't do your story any justice because it doesn't hook the readers in. It lacks specific details that helps give readers a vision of what your story would be about. Well, we do know that it's a love triangle, most likely, but is there anything else? Is this just another common story about love triangles?

Now, let's move on to your characters. You have a few grammatical mistakes, but your characters are well-described. From the looks of it, it seems like you are using your characters to describe your story. Do not use the characters. That's what a description is for.

Now, I will correct the mistakes in their descriptions.

Amber Liu= He is from a wealthy family that he is not content with. His family always wants him to handle their company, but he's not interested. Instead, he seeks a normal life, and he is slowly achieving that by working as a waiter for a coffee shop.

Krystal Jung= She is from a wealthy family that she is perfectly content with. Being spoiled as a child, she is very arrogant. She transfers to the University of Seoul from overseas with her older sister because their parents have a big business offer in Seoul. (I am not including the last sentence because you should leave that out for the readers to discover. Never reveal a character's true personality in the foreword because it creates a mystery for your story).

Plot: 10/20 First of all, at the end of chapter five, what was that? Waitresses playing Truth or Dare while working? One of the dare is to even kiss a customer. This is unacceptable because they are working, so that event was really fake.

The plot overall is really unoriginal, and there aren't even any twists to make it better! Add twists or change some things to make it more unique. Amber is rich. So is Krystal. Amber's family wants him to take over the business, but he doesn't. We have all seen this type of plot before. In fact, you can even find a bunch of dramas with this plot. Add twists.

Another thing is that your plot is not solid at all. I can't find a point in the plot where something big can develop. Like how in a drama, at one point, you can tell a lot of things are going to happen soon, like when the guy and the girl both rob a bank and are on the run. You need something like that; a turning point, you can say. You need specific points in your story that will bring the events out because right now, all of the chapters seem to be the same as the one before.

Characters: 14/20 Aren't Krystal and Jessica rich? They don't act rich in chapter one, when Jessica said, "There's free airconditioning." It makes them sound like they are poor, which isn't how you described them.

Your characters are really weak. You don't describe their feelings, and they sound like empty dolls that you are using. Make them sound like real people. Describe! Your characters act so randomly, the readers can't feel any emotion for them. You should try writing in first-person POV if that helps with describing your characters.

Krystal is really fickle. When she first started her job, she's cold. Then, in the next minute, she is humble and friendly. Don't have her change so suddenly because you have conflicting thoughts right next to each other.

Grammar and Spelling: 16/20 Right from chapter one, you switched tenses. Keep your story in past tense, if that's your main tense. There are a lot of moments where you would write "They are out. Leaving her alone." The first sentence is correct. The second one is an incorrect sentence because there isn't a subject. Who left her alone? It should be 'They are out, leaving her alone." Use a comma.

Chapter 1 P11 "...you will get multiple salary than being a part timer." should be '...you will get a bigger salary.'
2. P13 "...you haven't think of it?" should be "...and you haven't thought of it?!"

Chapter 2 P23 "Amber smirked when he saw many the table which is full of Soju. He immediately grabbed one of it..." should be 'Amber smirked when he saw how the table was full of Soju, and he immediately grabbed a bottle.'
2. P26 "Happen to bicker with your family again?" should be "You were bickering with your family again?"

Chapter 4 P5 "Krystal put on a curious look, she's wondering, what his father is planning to say." should be 'Krystal looked at her father curiously, trying to understand what he was asking her.'

Chapter 5 P2 "Hi sir, how many person?" should be "Hi, sir. How many people?"

Flow: 11/15 Chapter one is too fast, lacks details, and is barely a chapter. You have nothing but dialogue that you used to flow into the story. You need a setting and a stronger background information. It's okay to start the story with Amber arguing with his parents, but describe his feelings at that time. Don't just have him storm out and then move on.

Afterwards, the flow is just slow and doesn't help the plot at all. Amber and Krystal don't even meet each other until chapter five.

Enjoyment: 2/5 The lack of a solid plot really threw me off. You need events that make sense to help move the plot along. Bring it to life!

Structure: 3/5 You don't need a space between a quotation mark and the first letter of the dialogue.

Like I said in the foreword section, you have to write out numbers if they are lower than ten.

In chapter two, why did you write the names of Amber's friends in capitals? Unless Amber is calling them, then it's fine, but you don't have any quotations around their names, so he's not calling them.

Never use pictures to describe something. You used a picture of Lay in chapter five, and that just gave away the whole mystery. This is a story, not a photo magazine.

Overall: 62/100 While your spelling is pretty good, your grammar needs a little changing. It's fine though. Your characters need a lot of work. Describe them more! Give more details and have them think. Show their feelings and bring them to life and make the readers root for them. Your plot is also really unstable because it's unoriginal and plain. There aren't any events that stand out and give your story a shining light. After you fix your plot and characters, your flow will blend right in. You just need to focus on your plot and characters!