Haneul’s POV

If I die young, bury me in satin Lay me down on a bed of roses
Sink me in the river at dawn Send me away with the words of a love song

I stood at the rooftop of a building, looking down. I start to wonder, if I were to fall over, would my death be instant? Or would I struggle with pain before dying away slowly? Is the pain from the fall strong enough to cover the pain I am feeling in my heart right now?

Junhyung was the first person I loved so dearly. Honestly, not even Jace. When Jace and I broke up, I don’t even remember it to be painful. Now I know why those people are always acting as thou they are dying when they break up, because indeed, I feel dead now.

The strong wind slapped me in my face like a wakeup call. Everything suddenly became really obvious, as thou I had just woken up from a really deep sleep.

Have I brought this upon myself? I put too much optimism in a situation that was obviously bad. I deceived myself into thinking he was getting when it is shown clearly from his behavior that things were just going downhill. It wasn’t his fault things ended up like this today. It is mine. If only I was brave enough to see, I would have accepted this situation better.

Like he said, I was being selfish. Now I get what he means.

 Lord make me a rainbow, I'll shine down on my mother
She'll know I'm safe with you when she stands under my colors
Oh, and life ain't always what you think it ought to be, no
Ain't even gray, but she buries her baby

Whatever he said just now started to make sense to me. Ever since he woke up, the only time he asked me to tell him more about us was after that time when he had the bad cramps, but before and after that, it was just me forcing him to listen to what I have to say. He is right. Who am I to control him?

But what am I going to do without Junhyung? I don’t know how to live without him anymore. I don’t know how to cope with the loneliness anymore. I was doing very well on my own until he appeared. I opened up to him, relied on him, and then he left.

Would dying solve the problem? In the past, my answer would be a definite no. But now, I don’t know. Can I live on? Can I survive without him? If I die now, at least I die with happy memories of him. If I continue to live on, I’m afraid I’ll start to hate him, which is the last thing I want to happen.

  The sharp knife of a short life Well, I've had just enough time

There’s no such thing as forever, right?I shouldn’t be asking any more. I had Junhyung. His presence was the best thing that could ever happen in my life. Ever since I can remember stuff, I cannot remember any time before I met him that I felt so blessed just having him lie beside me.

But then again, happy moments never tend to last. I should be thankful, I know. But I’m only human. I’m greedy. I want more. I cannot bear to let him go. I cannot bear to see him happy with someone else. It hurts me. I’ll get jealous.

Images of him kissing the other girl flooded my mind. He seemed so happy. And then I suddenly remember, we haven’t kissed in a long time. We never hugged too. I miss the feeling of his skin against mine. The extremely comfortable warmth in him that never fails to put a smile on my face.

Junhyung, do you have any idea how much I miss that?

If I die young, bury me in satin Lay me down on a bed of roses
Sink me in the river at dawn Send me away with the words of a love song

I am a jealous .

I don’t want him to be smiling because of anyone else. I want him for myself and myself only. He is rightfully mine, but why does it have to be me he forgets? Of all the people in the world, why me? I loved him so much. We had so many memories together. Why does it have to be ‘us’ that he forgot?

For the first time after the incident, I’m feeling angry.

What is fairness? We have been through so much together. We stuck by each other through good times and bad times. Why is it just ‘us’ that got affected? He even remembered the bullies, but not ‘us’. What kind of crap is this?

“WHY IS IT SO UNFAIR!?” I shouted.

“I LOVED JUNNIE!!! JUNNIE LOVED ME TOO!! BUT WHY!?” I screamed.

I cannot be bothered even if the polices comes.

The sharp knife of a short life Well, I've had just enough time

If all these didn’t happen, we would have been so happy. Who knows what might happen to us now. We might be engaged, for all you know. We were that close, to the point, I already set him as the one for me. If he proposes, even with a plastic ring, I would marry him.

I was ready to give my life to him, but why did this have to happen? Why do bad things always happen to good people? I am not saying I am good, but Junhyung is. He is so kind he doesn’t even harm a fly, so why do only bad things befall him?

 And I'll be wearing white when I come into your kingdom I'm as
green as the ring  on my little cold finger I've never known the loving of a man
But it sure felt nice when he was holding my hand

I climbed over the parapet and sat on it. I dangled my legs out, looking out at the night sky. It reminded me of the time Junhyung took me to Odaesan. It felt so nice to be so high up honestly. It felt as thou I could control everything. But if only I could.

I unconsciously smiled to myself as I pictured how our lives would be if we got married and started a family together. How many children would we have? If we had a daughter, how would he treat her? I’m pretty sure he will spoil her bad. If we had a son, would they go on weekend trips together? Whatever it is, I know Junhyung would be a really good daddy.

And our children would be so blessed with so many uncles to love them. The boys would spoil them bad too, I can picture it happening. Doojoon and Seungho would buy them lots of stuff. Kikwang would make them laugh. Hyunseung would cook for them. Dongwoon would take lots of photos with them. Yoseob will be captured their attention with his aegyo. He may most likely see them as rivals.

But all these now can only be thoughts. It’ll never come true anymore.

 There's a boy here in town, says he'll love me forever  Who would have thought
forever could be severed by The sharp knife of a short life Well, I've had just enough time
So put on your best, boys, and I'll wear my pearls What I never did is done

And us, what would happen to us? Where would we go for our honeymoon? How would we take care of our children? What kind of a man is he when he gets married? Would he still be as sweet as he is now? I’m pretty sure he would. The sweetness in him is inborn.

Memories of our past started coming back to me.

The first time I met him, he was so scared and quiet. Come to think of it, it’s quite funny how we started. Why was I so cold to him? I don’t even know. He is Yong Junhyung for goodness sake. It was every fangirl’s dream to be with their idol, and so was it mine. And I was fortunate enough that my dream came true.

But now, the dream is over. It’s time to wake up and go back into reality.

The prince and the princess do not actually live happily ever after.

A penny for my thoughts, oh no, I'll sell 'em for a dollar They're worth so much more
after I'm a goner And maybe then you'll hear the words I been singing
Funny, when you're dead how people start listening

Apart from Jace, Junhyung is the only guy that my parents actually like. He surprisingly managed to make my parents laugh so much. My parents were even alright with having to delay meetings just to be able to meet him. See how much weight he actually has in their heart?

Of course, everyone loves Junhyung. He’s such a sweetheart. It hurts me when I think of his parents. They missed out a great part of his life by abandoning him. I’m pretty sure it has never occurred to them that he would grow up to be such a fine man.

They would never be part of his success. They would never be able to share his joy. What a pity.

If I die young, bury me in satin Lay me down on a bed of roses
Sink me in the river at dawn Send me away with the words of a love song

Thanks to Junhyung, I was able to befriend such great guys. In the past, I only thought of Jace as a good guy, but after meeting them and seeing them hold onto each other when times are bad, it was really heartwarming.

Junhyung not only gave me love, he gave me friends too. He shared his life with me, including his friends. Without him, I would still be a really grumpy kid strolling aimlessly around the streets of Seoul. That would have been me, but Junhyung changed it.

In a short period of almost a year, my life changed drastically just because of a few people. Never in my dreams have I thought such good things would happen to me. And it’s all thanks to Junhyung.

He has given me so much, but what have I given him?

 The ballad of a dove Go with peace and love Gather up your tears,
keep 'em in your pocket Save them for a time when you're really gonna need them, oh

It’s not easy to let him go, I doubt I would be able to. We had too many memories together.

“Junhyung ah, saranghae, saranghae, saranghae.” I said softly.

“Junhyung ah, I love you, that’s why I am letting you go. Promise me you’ll be happy, alright?” I said to the sky, in hope Junhyung would be able to feel it.

“But Junhyung ah, I’m sorry I cannot live without you. I’m sorry I am not strong enough.” I mumbled.

I let myself cry. Everything started coming back to me; the good times and the bad, as well as what happened just now.

The words ‘selfish’ and ‘suffocating’ echoed extremely loudly in my ears.

The sharp knife of a short life Well, I've had just enough time
So put on your best, boys And I'll wear my pearls

Junhyung ah, I don’t care whether you remember me or not. But I love you, and that’s final. Wherver I may be, I love you.

I stood up. I was surprised I could balance well on that narrow edge. Everything looked even smaller when I am standing up.

Now, if I were to fall, what is going to happen? I closed my eyes and picture the scene.

It is no doubt a bad decision, but it seems all good right at this moment. 

Like just now on the street, all I needed to do is to make one decision and one step, and my life would change. 

To the ones I love and the ones who love me......

***
Remember, in any situation, suicide is a bad decision. It is a permanent solution to a temporary problem.