Junhyung’s POV

My chest tightened, as thou I was having an asthma attack. I watch in horror as the van zoomed pass her at devil’s speed. The van was just a mere inch or so away from her. I was in a mess, yet she didn’t seem to be bothered about it at all. That girl almost died, and while I am here freaking out, she just stood there, staring at me.

I held onto the railings, trying to stabilize my breathing. I felt cold sweat wet the back of my shirt. This anxiety in me, it felt so familiar. As thou, something similar happened before. Was she always prone to such accidents? Or, is she out to kill herself?

“Ha…” I called out as I looked up, but she wasn’t there anymore.

I stood alone on the street, staring across at the empty lane where she once stood. It was as if none of that happened. I ran across the street, shouting her name like a mad man, but she was nowhere in sight. I called her on her phone, but it led me to her voice message instead. Where did she go to? How did she manage to disappear so quickly? Wasn’t she the slightest bit shocked over what happened just a few moments ago?

***

“Junnie! What happened to you!? Why are you so pale!?” Yoseob shouted the moment I stepped into the dorm.

I wasn’t even sure how I made my way back to the dorm. My mind was so clouded. Everything was just blur.

“Seob ah~” I called out.

My knees went weak, I fell forward and lucky for me, he caught me in time or else it would be the floor greeting me with arms open wide.

“JUNHYUNG!!” He shouted, alarming the other members.

They rushed out from wherever they are and crowded over me.

“Are you alright!? What happened!?” Doojoon shouted, feeling my forehead for a fever I assume.

“Haneul…” I mumbled.

“What about Haneul? What happened!? Did something happen to her!?” Doojoon shook me.

“She… I…” I didn’t know how I could tell them what I did.

“Drink some water first.” Kikwang said, handing me a cup of water.

My hands were trembling so badly I couldn’t even hold the cup properly.

“Just open your mouth.” He said, feeding me the water.

I felt like a baby more than a grown man. But if I were a baby, I am a really terrible one.

“I hurt her.” I said, after calming down.  

“YOU HIT HER!?” Hyunseung shouted, tackling me onto the floor.

I had no energy in me to push him off, so I fell backwards with him on top of me grabbing onto my shirt.

“I didn’t.” I mumbled.

“But I did worst than that.” I said.

He let go of me and stared at me. The others were staring too.

/FLASHBACK

I walked down the street leading to the bookstore. I had bought food for the both of us; Donuts and her favourite green tea latte. For some reason, as I walked, I kept seeing couples showing affection to each other in the public as thou they were the only ones in the world. Is this how being in love is like? In your eyes, you only see him/her, that’s why you do such stuff.

It’s like Adam and Eve, isn’t it? The forbidden fruit is like reality, if you don’t eat it, you would never see those around you. People tend to be themselves in private, and so because they are oblivious to those around them, they would shamelessly show their affection towards their partner.

According to what I was told, Haneul and I were exactly like that. In our eyes, the world only consisted of us and nothing more. We may be standing in a sea of a few thousand people, but we only had our eyes on each other, we can hug like nobody’s business. We were that in love, I was told.

And then, I had to eat the forbidden fruit. I guess the fruit I ate was deadlier than the one Adam took. In my case, I erased her totally. As impossible as it may sound, it did happen. It was as thou she never existed in my life at all. I ought to feel a sense of familiarity around her, but honestly, I don’t.

I stood outside the bookstore, watching her. She was spacing out, as usual. She was so into her thoughts that she didn’t even realize I was just standing outside, looking at her. Then it suddenly dawn onto me; what have I done to her? What have I done to her life?

I heard that behind her fierceness, she was a really happy person. She was the type to laugh even if you tell her the world will end tomorrow. But it doesn’t seem like it is to me. Every time I see her alone, she was always like this; spacing out. Am I holding her back? Why can’t I remember?

As much as I wish her to be happy, I wasn’t happy myself. I know she sacrificed a lot for me. It is also because of her sacrifice, I couldn’t bring myself to tell her to leave. But living this kind of life, it’s tiring not only for me, but for her as well, isn’t it?

I couldn’t bring myself to step into the bookstore, so I left. I dumped the food I bought into the bin nearby. A thought came into my mind; was it that I really can’t remember her, or is it that I don’t wish to? Am I not trying hard enough? Am I even trying at all?

Loud blasting music led me to the only club along that street. I would have never entered that place, but for some reason, my legs took me in. Dark lights and loud music filled the place, together with alcohol and a whole lot of drunk, dancing people.

I sat at the counter, feeling as out of place as ever.

“What could I get for you, Sir?” The bartender asked.

He didn’t look quite sober himself, is he sure he could make me a drink?

“Coke.” I said.

“You gotta be kidding me! You come all the way here to drink Coke? Come on, I’ll give you something stronger than that!” He said.

“I want Coke. I love Coke.” I said.

“Alright, I see that you do.” He said.

In a few minutes, he handed me a cup of drink. It was brown, the colour of Coke, but it didn’t taste like it was entirely coke.

“Everyone comes here for alcohol. You’re not really just going to drink Coke, are you?” He said.

I smiled slightly. It tasted good, honestly.

“What’s this?” I asked.

“Bacardi Coke. The basic stuff.” He said.

“Could I, perhaps, get a bigger glass? It’s really… pathetic.” I said, looking at the small glass in my hand.

“Sure, how big do you want, a jug?” He asked.

“A vase perhaps.” I said.

“You’re funny.” He laughed as he handed me a larger cup.

I dazed out as I sipped onto the sweet drink. For some odd reason, it reminded me of the glucose mixed with painkiller that Haneul made in order to make me eat the medicine. She’s a sweet girl, no doubt that.

Cup after cup, I drown myself in the heavenly drink. As the alcohol set in, my vision started blurring, my heart started beating faster, and everything became funny.

“You alright?” The bartender asked.

“I’m good.” I said, heading for the dance floor.

I would never have done that given my sober self, but I wasn’t. And then whatever happened after that, it was beyond my control. I was dancing so closely with whomever that was around me. I had a sudden thinking in my head. What if this was the life I wanted? At that moment, it was really fun. I felt like a bird that escaped from its cage; free.

/END OF FLASHBACK

“Are you Yong Junhyung!?” Dongwoon shouted.

I looked up at him. Half of me was offended by him calling me by my full name, half of me agreed to what he said; was I Yong Junhyung? Would the Yong Junhyung of the past behave in this way?

“I…” I mumbled.

“Tell me you weren’t sober when you were kissing the girl, eh? Junnie!” Seobie said, on the verge of tears.

“I… I was sober.” I couldn’t lie to him.

“HOW COULD YOU DO THAT TO HANEUL!? DIDN’T YOU FEEL THE SLIGHTEST BIT OF GUILT WHEN YOU KISSED THE GIRL!? IF HANEUL DIDN’T APPEAR, YOU WOULD HAVE WITH THAT STRANGER IN THE ALLEY!?” Yoseob shouted at me.

His words hit me like ice.

If Haneul didn’t appear, would I really have with that girl?

“At that moment, it just felt right.” I said, looking down.

“Bastard! Do you know how much she suffered for you!?” Doojoon yelled, punching me hard on my cheek.

For some reason, no one stopped him. Maybe they all felt I deserved the punch. Honestly, I felt I deserve the punch too.

“I’m suffering too.” I mumbled.

“What did you say!?” He yelled.

“I SAID I AM SUFFERING TOO! I CAN’T BREATHE WHENEVER I AM AROUND HER! I AM SO AFRAID I WOULD SAY SOMETHING WRONG TO HURT HER! I CANNOT LIVE LIKE THIS ANYMORE!” I shouted.

“Then what about her? You guys were so happy, behaving like as thou you guys were the only ones in the world, and then one day you woke up and asked ‘who are you?’! How did she feel!? Have you ever wondered!? Behind that plastic smile of hers, have you ever wondered what kind of heart lies!? I don't even know if she can breathe properly now, and here you are talking about you being suffocated!” He screamed.

“IT’S ALL ABOUT HER! THEN HOW ABOUT ME!? HAVE ANYONE EVER BOTHERED ABOUT ME!? I TOO WISH I WOULD REMEMBER HER! I TRY SO FREAKING HARD TO REMEMBER BUT NOTHING CAME INTO MY HEAD! NOTHING AT ALL! DO YOU HAVE ANY IDEA HOW TIRED AND APOLOGETIC I FEEL!?” I cried.

“But that doesn’t give you the rights to do what you did.” Kikwang said softly.

He was right. I indeed didn’t have the rights. I was wrong, I admit.

“So where is she now?” Hyunseung asked.

“I… I don’t know. When I finally calmed down, she disappeared.” I said.

“Who would have stayed on?” Doojoon mumbled.

I looked at him. He stared at me.

“But is she hurt, physically, I mean.” He asked.

“I don’t think so. But the van was so close. I almost died just by watching.” I said.

“She’s always escaping death.” He said.

“What do you mean?” I asked.

“She never told you?” Kikwang asked.

I shook my head.

“I know we fought over me lying to her about my mom, but that’s about all.” I said.

They started telling me what happened after I shoved her stuff down onto the floor in anger. My jaws dropped as I learned that she almost got hit by the car. No wonder everything felt familiar. It happened before.

“Whatever it is, Junhyung, even if you want a break up, do a clean one.” Doojoon said.

He stood up and headed towards his room, slamming the door.

“Go and rest. It’s been a long day.” Hyunseung said.

They got up and left, patting me on my back. I was left to sit on the floor alone. I stared at my hands; this pair of hands once held her so tight, and now, this pair of hands pushed her away. They deserved to be chopped off, I thought to myself.

But then again, I was the one who controlled everything. So I guess the one deserved to get chopped is not only my hands, but me as a whole.

“Haneul…” I called out.

I lie on the cold, hard floor, burying my face in my palms, the scene of the van speeding towards her kept replaying in my head.

All she needed to take was one step forward, and she would be gone, forever.

Would I be able to live with that guilt if she died? If the Yong Junhyung of the past comes back and realize his girl is gone because of me, would he be able to take it?

But whether it is physical or not, it is no doubt I crushed her. I crushed the girl that loves Yong Junhyung so much. I crushed the girl that sacrifice so much for the wellbeing of Yong Junhyung. I crushed Yong Junhyung’s girl.