Haneul’s POV

I watch as Junhyung tiredly stroll into the bookstore. He smiled weakly at me and gave me a peck on my forehead.

“How’s your day?” He asked me.

“Fine. You?” I asked, hugging his waist.

In just a matter of days, he seemed to have lost half his body weight. He isn’t as huggable as before, and he is constantly looking pale and tired.

“Good.” He smiled.

“Liar.” I mumbled.

He smiled and rested his forehead against my shoulder.

“Where did you go just now?” I asked him.

He looked up at me, surprised.

“Just now? Work.” He said, avoiding my gaze.

Lie. That’s a lie.

“After work?” I asked.

“I… I came here direct. Why do you keep asking me this?” He sounded frustrated.

“Really?” I asked.

“Are you doubting me now!?” He yelled suddenly.

I was shocked at his attitude but I kind of expected it.

“I’m not doubting you. I am asking you, hoping you’ll tell me the truth.” I said.

He glared at me and suddenly shoved whatever that was on the counter onto the floor. I jumped up in surprise, not expecting that. I looked at him, and then on the floor. My book, magazine, iPad and phone were soaked in the cup of tea that went smashing onto the floor together with everything.

“That wasn’t necessary!” I yelled, staring hard at him.

He looked surprised, as thou not expecting it to happen but kept quiet, glaring at far corner.

I squat down, picking up my stuff. My iPad was badly scratched on the back thanks to the glass bits from the broken cup and there was a deep crack on the screen of my phone. Both had gone crazy because of the tea. My book and magazine were soaked in the tea. And my favourite mug, it’s broken into pieces now.

I slammed the stuff onto the table and forced him to look at me.

“WHAT WAS THAT FOR!?” I yelled, tears rolling down my cheeks.

He rolled his eyes and looked away.

“HOW COULD YOU DO THAT!?” I punched his chest.

He did not move or say anything, instead, let me hit him.

“I WAS JUST WORRIED OKAY! I KNOW WHERE YOU HAVE BEEN GOING! I didn’t want to interfere but just look at you!! Just look at how much weight you have lost in a matter of days! How pale you are now! How do you expect me to just pretend I cannot see it happening!?” I yelled at him.

“WHAT HAVE YOU BEEN DOING!? FOLLOWING ME!? HOW DARE YOU!?” He shouted, glaring hard at me.

“YES! So what!? I followed you! Or else I would not know what you have been doing to yourself! Is it worth it or not!? She saw you yet she denied the fact you’re her son! Is it worth it or not!?” I yelled into his face.

His face darkened and he glared hard at me.

“Don’t talk bad about my mother!” He warned me.

“I’m not talking bad about her! I’m just stating the fact! SHE DOESN’T EVEN CARE ABOU..” Before I could finish, he swing his fist passed my face, smashing his fist into the wall.

I watch blankly as his blood stained the wall. It flowed down, but he still did not move. He was breathing deeply, trying to calm himself down. I grabbed him and examined his hand but he pushed me away roughly.

“I know what you want to say! I know what you’re implying! But how can I just give up!? Almost five years I haven’t met her! And now when I finally do, she doesn’t acknowledge me! But can I just pretend nothing happened and live my life as normal!?” He yelled into my face, crying at the same time.

I kept quiet, feeling guilty for actually rubbing salt into his wound.

“I know my actions are stupid! Trying to look for her like some stupid kid despite knowing the fact she would most likely push me away again! But I’m sorry, I cannot just give up hope! Not until she tells me to off and never step into her life again!” He yelled, running into the basement and slamming the door shut. I stood outside, staring at the closed door. I could hear him crying and smashing things inside.

I sat down outside the door, waiting for him to calm down. Maybe my actions were really rude and inappropriate, but I couldn’t see him fall like this. I rather he told me where he is going, so at least I can accompany him. Maybe he wanted to do it alone, I don’t know, but he didn’t have to lie to me.

/Flashback

I knocked onto the door of their dance studio.

Yoseob came and opened the door.

“Oh! Haneul ah!” He smiled.

The others stopped whatever they were doing and looked at me.

“Hi.” I smiled awkwardly, my eyes scanning the room for the person I came for.

They greeted me before going back to do their own stuff.

“He’s not here.” Yoseob said.

“He’s not?” I asked.

“Yea. He left about five minutes ago.” He said.

But Junhyung clearly told me he was going to be in the studio with the boys till late. It was because of this I actually left school early to come look for him. Ever since the meeting with his mother, he was always spacing out. He hardly spoke, hardly smiled and hardly ate.

We hardly met because he said he was busy with work, and I don’t suspect that because they were preparing for their World Tour. I came today, in hope to spend dinner with him so I could force some food down his throat and just spend some quality time with him.

“Hello? Haneul. You okay?” Yoseob waved his hand in my face.

“Huh? Oh. Yea. I’m good.” I said.

“Junnie have been leaving early nowadays. He said he was going to spend time with you before our World Tour. No?” He asked.

Spend time with me? Is that what Junhyung told them?

“Ah~ Yes. But I thought I would surprise him today.” I lied, covering up Junhyung’s lie.

“He usually showers before he leaves, so maybe if you rush to the car park now, you may still be able to catch him.” Yoseob said.

“Thanks. I’ll see you around.” I said as I ran out.

“YAH! BE CAREFUL!” Yoseob shouted.

I rushed to the car park, just in time to see Junhyung getting into the van. I called out for him but he didn’t seem to hear me. I called him on his phone but it was turned off. I was worried he would look for me in the bookstore or at school, so I boarded a cab and followed him. He got off the car at some bus stop and boarded a bus. It was amazing how he couldn’t even see me following so closely behind him.

On the bus, I watch him space out. The bus turned into a familiar area. It was where he lived. He alighted and so did I. I watch him walk the streets, looking around and asking people stuff I couldn’t hear. At times he would run up to some woman, and then bow in apology. I suddenly realized what he was doing. That silly boy was looking for his mother.

He did that for the next few days, and I kept following him. Every night when he comes to the bookstore, I pretended not to know anything and asked him the same question; ‘Where did you go before you came here?’, but every day, I got the same answer; ‘Work’.

/END OF FLASHBACK

I don’t get it. Why did he have to keep it from me? By now, shouldn’t he know that I am not the kind who would actually stop him? I would have accompanied him, so he wouldn’t have to be lonely. Every day, I see his disappointed face; he doesn’t know how hurting that actually is. It hurt even more than watching my stuff get soaked in tea.

I sat outside for quite awhile until everything inside quiet down. I tried to open the door, but it was locked.

“Junnie, are you asleep?” I asked.

No response.

“Junnie, I’m sorry.” I said.

No response.

It was either he fell asleep or he just doesn’t want to talk to me.

I went back up. I cleared up the mess. I tried to scrub the blood stain off the wall but it wouldn’t come out. There was even a slight crack on the wall, indicating how much strength he actually used. I cannot help but wonder if his hand was still bleeding or not? Did he fracture his bones in the process?

I gave up scrubbing, so I grabbed a random poster and pasted it over to hide the blood stain and crack for now. I took out the first aid kit and left it the counter, in case he comes out, I could dress his wound straight away.

I stared blankly at my ruined stuff. It was painful seeing the things I love get destroyed, but it was even more painful seeing the person I love destroy himself.

“ing woman.” I cursed.

“To think you do that to your own son.” I mumbled as I touched the crack on my phone.

I waited for what seems like hours, but he wasn’t coming out. I got irritated waiting, so I stood up and walked out for some fresh air.

Junhyung’s POV

I woke up with a splitting headache and an aching body. It must be because of all the crying and yelling. My left hand was hurting so badly I couldn’t even bend my fingers. It was disgustingly bruised, swollen and stained with dried blood. I sat up and thought about my actions just now.

Did I scare Haneul? I didn’t mean to flare up. I guess it was the buildup depression inside me that caused my outburst. It was sickening to know that my own mother would not acknowledge me. I am angry, of course, but for some odd reason, I just had to look for her. I expected disappointment, but I just wanted a definite answer from her. Was that woman I saw that day not my mother, or is my mother really disowning me? I need an answer. It is killing me.

I know I shouldn’t have yelled at Haneul. I broke her stuff as well, how ungentlemanly of me. I almost hit her, what a bastard, Yong Junhyung. And honestly, she isn’t wrong to say whatever she said. She was stating the facts, just that because the truth hurts, and I am too weak to actually accept it. I stood at the door, not daring to go out. I was afraid that after what I have done, she would break up with me. But I cannot stay here forever, right?

“Whatever that comes, Yong Junhyung, you deserve it.” I mumbled to myself as I opened the door and walked up.

I was greeted by quietness.

The place was cleaned up, as thou nothing happened before. The part of the wall where I smashed my fist into was now covered by a poster. The mess I created on the floor was cleaned up. Her book, magazine, iPad and iPhone lay neatly on the table.

I gasped when I saw the crack on her phone and the scratches on her iPad. She just bought her phone recently, she must be so sad at the fact such a thing happened to it. I still remember how happy she was when she got it. We were having so much fun with FaceTime just the other day.

She hated scratches on her stuff, therefore she takes care of them really well, but now, because of me, her iPad was scratched so badly. She refused to take off the casing even thou it was already broken, but I told her to take it off and that I would buy her a new cover as soon as possible. She reluctantly did what I told her, and now this happen, thanks to me. The screens of both the phone and iPad were black, I wonder if they are still working, but I doubt since it was soaked in tea.

And her book, she loved her books so much that she would never tolerate even a small fold, but it is now soaked in tea. Her magazine, it was a new issue, I’m pretty sure she just bought it, it’s soaked now too. I look into the dustbin and saw the broken pieces of the cup. It was her favourite Starbucks mug; the one with the old logo, the one that no matter how much money you have, you wouldn’t be able to buy it back because they don’t manufacture it anymore.

I felt like an for doing this to her. In a matter of minutes, I crushed her heart totally; I destroyed the stuff she loved and I yelled at her for worrying for me.

I looked around the bookstore, in hope to find her, but she wasn’t here. Did she leave because she is angry? But her bag is still here. I saw the first aid kit on the table. Did she put it here for me? After being such a jerk to her, she still cared for me. I sat down, trying to dress my wound, but I gave up because it was too painful and too inconvenient to manage with just one hand.

I took out my phone, wanting to call her, and then I suddenly remembered I spoilt her phone. Great, I crushed my only hope of getting in touch with her with my bare hands. How stupid can I actually get? To think I flared up at her like this.

I waited for awhile but got impatient and worried. I got up and walked out of the bookstore. I looked around, in hope I would see her around. Despite being such a jerk, I guess God gave me another chance to atone for my mistakes. I saw her across the road, sitting on the steps of one of the closed stores and hugging her knees.

I wanted to call out for her, but I thought, if she would go all the way across the road to just sit there, it is pretty obvious she wants to be alone. I stood outside the bookstore, looking at her. Was she crying? She didn’t seem too happy, but of course, who would be happy now? I watched her for awhile before deciding to go look for her and apologize. But first, I should close up the place on her behalf and then we can go home without having to walk back.

The moment I step into the bookstore, I heard a loud sounding of the horn, followed by a piercing screech. I heard a loud crash and I was hit hard on my back by what seems like a metal handle. I fell onto the floor, my back hurting so badly I couldn’t breathe. I managed to force myself up. I turned back to see what was going on. I almost choked on my breath with I saw half of the SUV in the bookstore itself.

The car crashed into the bookstore, breaking the glass door. I guess it must have been the metal handle of the door that hit my back. If I hadn’t step back into the store, it would not be the metal handle that hit me, it would be the car itself. I don’t know if I should be feeling lucky or angry. My thoughts were disrupted by another loud crash.

I banged onto the car, trying to get the attention of the shocked driver. He was bleeding from his head, but he was still conscious. He seemed a little drunk.

“REVERSE THE ING CAR!!!” I yelled.

My back hurt like crazy each time I tried to move or yell. I had to repeat myself a few times before he finally understood me. When he finally got the broken car out, I could finally see the damages caused to the bookstore. The place where the door once stood was just an empty hole now. I would have died horribly, I couldn’t imagine. I limped out of the bookstore and looked around, trying to find the cause of the other crash.

I saw a car lying overturned across the street. I froze when I remembered Haneul sitting across the street, the exact same spot the car crashed into. I felt cold all over as I looked around frantically, praying hard I would see Haneul strolling towards me, but I couldn’t find anyone. The streets were empty, except for the crashed cars and myself. Of course, who would be strolling the streets at 3AM in the morning?

“Haneul ah!” I shouted for her.

I tried to run, but my back didn’t allow me to.

“Haneul ah!!!” I cried as I dragged myself along.

Suddenly, the car across the road burst into flames. I watch in shock as bright flames blinded my sight. My Haneul. Please tell me my Haneul isn’t there. I have not apologized to her yet, I have not bought her the new casing, a new phone. I have not done so many things I want to do with her. I have not tell her how much I actually love her. She cannot be gone just like this. She cannot die. I would never forgive myself if anything happens to her. If I didn't flare up at her, she would not have gotten upset. If she wasn't upset, she would not walk out. If she did not walk out, things wouldn't be like this now.

My mind was in a huge mess. I couldn't breathe properly. I felt like puking. I had a strong feeling I was going to pass out any moment. 

“Haneul ah!!!!” I yelled.

I found the strength in me to ignore the pain in my back. I ran as fast as I could across the road.

Haneul ah, please be safe. Don’t leave your Junhyung alone. Please be safe, I beg you. I’ll give up anything for your safety. Haneul, please.