Haneul’s POV

When I arrived at the hospital, there were a lot of people. If not because of the yelling fans, one would have mistaken that some political figure got admitted thanks the huge amount of securities and Medias. I stood at the corner dumbly, shocked by the scene as well as thinking at the same time how the hell could I get myself inside. The vibration of my phone snapped me out of my thoughts.

“WHERE ARE YOU!?” A loud voice boomed through the speaker.

I looked at the caller ID;Seungho.

“I am here.” I said.

“WHERE!? I DON’T SEE YOU! HE NEEDS YOU! DAMN IT!” He shouted.

I could sense the urgency in his voice. I tried to explain my situation to him calmly but he did not give me a chance. He just kept yelling and yelling.

“SHUT UP, YANG SEUNGHO!” I yelled in frustration.

He kept quiet almost instantly.

“I AM ALREADY HERE! BUT OUTSIDE!! AM I NOT WORRIED!? AM I NOT ANXIOUS!? I AM TRYING TO FIND A WAY TO GET MYSELF INSIDE WITHOUT BEING PASSED OFF AS A CRAZY FAN GIRL AND GET SHOVED TO THE CORNER BY THOSE SECURITIES! DO YOU HAVE ANY SUGGESTIONS!? LIKE PERHAPS YOU WANT TO COME OUT AND GET ME!?” I shouted.

“Quit yelling at me unless you have a workable solution! Don’t make it sound as thou I am strolling my way here! I am as worried as you are! He is my ing Junroro damn it!” I screamed into the phone and ended the call.

I leaned against the wall, burying my face into my palms. I tried hard to calm myself, but I couldn’t help the endless scary thoughts that ran through my head. I felt drained and nervous at the same time, and it did not help that I was outside without any information of his condition now. So near yet so far, I understood it clearly now.

My phone vibrated. As much as I wanted to ignore it, I couldn’t. Junhyung’s name flashed across the screen, but I know it isn’t him.

“Yea~” I said tiredly.

“Haneul. It’s me, Doojoon. Seungho was just anxious. Don’t mind him, okay? Are you alright?” He asked.

“Yea.” I mumbled.

“Okay. Erm.. You’re outside right? Go to the back door, manager hyung is there, he’ll bring you in. Do you know where the back door is? Or why not you tell me where you are, then I’ll ask him to go out to get you instead?” He said.

“It’s alright. I’ll find the back door. Thanks.” I mumbled, ending the call.

I signed and pushed myself off the wall, making my way to the back of the hospital.

“Haneul!” I heard a voice called me as I was walking aimlessly around.

I turned and saw a man gesturing me over. I recognized him. He is their manager.

“Are you alright?” He asked as I headed over.

“Yea.” I nodded.

“But you don’t look too good.” He said.

I shrugged my shoulders and forced a smile.

“Come, we’ll go in.” He said, showing me the way.

The rest of the Beast boys together with Seungho and Mir were there as well as some other random people. There were chairs, but everyone was just standing. Seungho’s eyes met mine. He looked at me for a brief second before looking down.

“Haneul ah!” Yoseob called out.

“How is he?” I asked no one in particular.

“They say its pneumonia.” Doojoon explained.

“What?” I looked at him.

“I’m sorry. We should have taken better care of him.” He said.

“But how? I thought he was okay?” I said.

“He wasn’t okay. His condition fluctuated. His fever was on and off and all. It was normal flu like symptoms and it was common for us because of the lack of sleep and all. We thought it was just the usual flu, so we never paid much attention, thinking it would just go away like how it always did.” He said.

“But then it suddenly got worse. He was shaking and vomiting. We were on the plane and there was nothing much we could do. We thought he would be able to hold on until we arrive back in Seoul, but he…” He looked down.

“So are you telling me that you saw his condition deteriorating, but you brushed it off as a common flu? You allowed him to continue with whatever activities you guys had overseas despite being in such a ed up condition? Am I right, Doojoon?” I asked.

“No.. But.. I.. Okay, yes.” He said.

I slapped him hard across his cheek. Not unintentionally, not that my hand worked faster than my brain did. I did it intentionally. I was very clear as to what I was doing.

He looked at me, not surprised, as thou he was expecting it, whereas everyone else around just froze.

“How could you?” I asked.

“I’m sorry.” He mumbled.

“Sorry? I just slapped you, can I say sorry and then expect the pain on your cheek to disappear? Can it?” I asked.

He kept quiet.

“How can you let a sick man work? Isn’t it weird that his fever came and went? Isn’t it weird that he was coughing so badly? Isn’t it weird that his sore throat never seemed to recover? What did you promise me? You said you’ll take good care of him. And now, where am I seeing him after so long? In a freaking hospital?!” I said.

“I am so sorry.” He mumbled.

“You are the leader, and you claim that he is your brother. Really? Doojoon, really? You almost killed him. I’m never forgiving you if anything happens to him.” I said, pushing pass him.

He was breathing deeply while looking down.

“And Doojoon,” I called out, turning back to him.

“Yea?” He said with teary eyes.

“Maybe you want to consider stripping yourself off your title as Beast’s leader. Don’t you find yourself a little too irresponsible and unfit for the position?” I said out of anger.

I could hear gasps from the others around. Doojoon’s face simply went blank.

“I.. I will.” He mumbled.

I turned and walked off, not able to look at him anymore. I hurt him badly with my words. I did not mean for that to happen. I spoke without thinking. I’m sorry, Doojoon.

***

I walked into the room Junhyung was in. Seeing him lying on the bed unconscious with a beeping machine beside him and needles in his forearm reminded me of three years ago.

“Junroro...” I mumbled, sitting beside him.

I rested my palm against his pale, sunken cheeks. His skin was hot to touch.

“Why do you always end up like this whenever I am not around?” I asked.

I held onto his hand, massaging his fingers.

“I thought you promised me you’ll get well? Why have you gotten worse?” I asked.

“You liar.” I said, poking his stomach. His slightly chubby belly is as flat as a board now.

He woke up a few hours later, still drowsy from the medication and the fever. The doctor checked on him and left. Junhyung stared at me blankly, then his lips curled up into a slight smile.

“Oh.. Hi~” He mumbled.

“How are you feeling?” I asked, cupping his cheeks.

“Horrible hee~” He chuckled.

“And you’re still laughing?” I pulled his ear.

“Because you’re here.” He smiled.

“Do you know how serious your condition is?” I asked.

He shook his head.

“I only know I seriously miss you.” He said, wanting to raise his hand to touch my cheek but he had no energy for that.

“See, you can’t even hold me.” I said.

“I can..” He mumbled, squeezing my hand lightly. I guess that was all the energy he got.

“I hate you for always having to worry me like this.” I said.

“I hate it too. Sorwy~” He pouted.

“I’ll ask the others to come in, okay?” I said.

“They’re still here?” He asked.

“They never left.” I said, heading outside.

“Hey~” I said, looking at the tired boys.

“Why not come in?” I said, opening the door for them.

They headed inside, everyone was there, except for one. Where did Doojoon go to?

“Little brat, how are you feeling?” Seungho asked, feeling Junhyung’s forehead.

“I’m okay.” He smiled.

“Okay? What a lie. You’re still burning up. You shocked the hell out of all of us.” Seungho said, pouting slightly. What an unusual sight from the man who claims he has no aegyo.

“Heee hyung don’t do that. It’s creepy.” Junhyung giggled.

“Junnie hyung! You scared us! We’re so sorry!” Yoseob hugged him tight.

“I’m fine, I’m fine. Don’t come so near me, I don’t want you to get infected too.” He said, pushing Yoseob away slightly.

“I don’t care! It’s fine!” Yoseob tightened his arms around Junhyung’s neck.

“Let hyung go! You’ll suffocate him!” Dongwoon said, literally pulling Yoseob away by the back of his shirt.

“Rest well and get well soon, do you understand?” Hyunseung said.

“Yea hyung. Everyone’s so worried.” Kikwang pouted.

“I will, I will. Where is.. Doojoon?” Junhyung asked, looking around.

“Doojoon…” Yoseob mumbled, looking at the other boys, and then at me.

I looked down, feeling embarrassed at the fact I was pretty much the reason of his absence.

“Did something happen to him? Is he okay?” Junhyung asked worriedly.

“He’s fine. He just went to settle something.” Hyunseung smiled.

“Settle what?” Junhyung asked.

“Nothing of importance. Don’t worry. Worry about yourself.” He said.

They left awhile later to let Junhyung rest.

“They are hiding something from me, right? About Doojoon..” Junhyung asked.

“Hmm?” I looked at him.

“You know something?” He asked.

“I….” I looked away.

“Tell me.” He said.

“You can’t get angry, okay?” I said.

“Okay.” He nodded.

“Promise?” I held out my pinky.

“How old are you?” He laughed, but hooked his pinky with mine.

“Four~” I said.

“I’m thwee~” He smiled.

“I kind of told Doojoon off just now. I said some really mean words to him unintentionally.. And I… slapped him.” I mumbled.

“YOU WHAT!?” He yelled, anger flashed across his face.

So much for a pinky promise.

“I didn’t mean it! I was worried and angry and..” I looked down.

“What did you say to him?” He asked.

“I blamed him for your condition. I called him irresponsible, and I asked him to consider stripping himself off the title as Beast’s leader.” I said, not looking at him.

“When would you ever learn to think before you speak? When would you ever learn to stop blabbering whatever you think is right and take a split second to consider the impact your words have on people?” He scolded with a hint of disgust in his voice.

I looked at him. He glared hard at me.

“I tried hard to think straight, but I just couldn’t. I had no information whatsoever about your condition. All I had was ‘He passed out and it’s bad’. That was all the information I had! On the way here, that bloody line kept replaying in my head, and it still is replaying now. And then when I arrived, I couldn’t even come in straight because of the security, media and fans outside.” I said.

“When I finally got in, he told me it was pneumonia, and why did a common cold turn into something so serious? Because of negligence on their part, on your part. You’re a grown man, how could you let yourself fall so ill and not even realize the seriousness behind it? You almost died, Junhyung. I almost lost you. I.. I admit I have the worst choice of words ever whenever I am angry. I am stupid, I am dumb and I just don’t know how to consider the feelings of other people. I know I know I know!” Tears blurred my vision. I looked down, letting them drip all over the floor.

“I was scared alright. I told you before didn’t I? Lions get scared too. And I just happen to be one who gets scared damn easily, especially when it concerns you. People are always asking me to consider from their point of view, but why is no one considering from my point of view? You think I don’t feel bad after saying those words to him? Hell, I feel like crap right now! And I thought you would be of some comfort. But I don’t blame you, Doojoon is an important person to you. Of course you’ll get angry when you hear someone insult him like this. He’s not a horrible leader, I am just a horrible person. Rest well.” I said, grabbing my bag.

“Haneul.. I..” He said.

I shook my head, back facing him.

“Just rest well.” I mumbled as I left.

I had no intention of leaving, I just needed to go out for some air. As I was walking down the corridor, I saw Doojoon sitting on one of the seats, spacing out. I bought a bottle of Coke from the vending machine around and headed towards him. I tapped his shoulder with the bottle.

“Eh?” He looked up at me, and then the bottle of Coke.

“I don’t know. Sweet things make me happy. I think it’ll be the same for everyone.” I mumbled.

He laughed and took the bottle of Coke.

“I’m not Junhyung, but thanks, I needed it.” He smiled, opening the bottle.

“Want some?” He offered.

I shook my head.

“But you said sweet things make you happy. You need it too, it’s written all over your face.” He said.

I took the bottle from him and took a sip of the drink.

“Is Junhyung awake?” He asked.

I nodded.

“Is he feeling better?” He asked.

“Why don’t you go visit him yourself?” I said.

“Why are you sulking? Did you guys argue?” He asked.

I shook my head, looking away so as not to let him see my tears.

“Haneul ah, I’m really sorry. You’re right. I neglected the fact his condition was worsening. I wasn’t responsible enough. If I was just a tad bit more alert, he wouldn’t be here now.” He said.

“Things happen. Blame no one.” I said.

“I’m not responsible enough to be their leader.” He mumbled.

“No, Doojoon. Please. Alright, I… Those things I said about you, it was unintentional. I didn’t mean it that way. I was just angry, that’s all. It’s untrue, alright? Please, I beg you, wipe it off, and forget it or whatever. Just.. Don’t.. Don’t quit, because you’re amazing, you really are.” I said.

He stared at me, then burst into laughter.

“What so funny?” I asked, feeling slightly annoyed.

“No, no. I’m sorry. It’s just that, you’re really cute.” He said.

“Do I look like a joke to you?” I asked.

“No no! Nothing of that sort. Just that, okay… We talk about you at times in the dorm or when we’re overseas. Junhyung tell us a lot about you, and he once said that you’re someone who never apologizes.” He said.

I looked at him.

“He said it is not that you don’t acknowledge your mistake, it is just so hard for you to get those three words out of your mouth. You would rather explain a whole lot than simply say ‘I am sorry’. But it’s cute to watch you try get your message across, he say. And he’s right. It’s really cute.” He chuckled.

“I was being serious, damn it.” I mumbled.

“I know I know! It’s alright, really. I don’t deny that I was really hurt by your words, but I know you did not mean it, so I wasn’t angry or anything.” He said.

“Then why did you leave?” I asked.

“I had to pull myself away to calm down and think of what I have done wrong and how can I do better in future so what happened today would not happen again in future. And I had to go get this~” He said, pulling out a bouquet of roses from the back.” He handed the roses to me.

“From Junhyung. He asked me to help him collect it because he did not think he would be fit to go to the florist. He thought he would be good to meet you after sleeping for awhile. And then the rest of the story, you know it.” He said.

“Thanks.” I mumbled, taking the bouquet from him.

“Haneul, let’s try something.” He said, turning to face me.

“What?” I asked.

“Watch my mouth, and repeat after me.” He said.

I looked at him, confused.

“I.” He said.

“I.” I repeated.

“Am.” He said

“Am.” I repeated.

“Sor..ry.” He said.

“S.. Tsk!” I pushed his face away.

“Hahahaha! Gosh! You really can’t do it! Hahaha!” He laughed.

I glared at him and he shut up instantly.

“Sorry.” He mumbled.

“I’m going to see him, are you coming?” He asked.

I shook my head.

“Then are you going back? I’ll send you home.” He said.

“I’m not going back.” I said.

“Alright. Haneul, I don’t know what happened between you and him, but just let it pass, okay?” He said.

I nodded. He patted my head before leaving.

“Doojoon!” I called out.

“Yea?” He turned around.

“I… Iamsorry.” I mumbled, looking away.

“I MUST BRAG ABOUT THIS TO JUNHYUNG! HANEUL SAID ‘I AM SORRY’ TO ME!!!” He laughed as he skipped down the corridor.

I sighed and sank back into the seat. I looked at the bouquet of roses and counted them. There were eleven. I pulled out the note that was folded into the shape of a heart.

’11 stalks of roses means ‘You’re my treasured one’.
Just so you know Lionny, you mean the world to me.

XOXO
Junroro’

I chuckled at the note.

“You mean the world to me too, Junroro.” I mumbled, hugging the bouquet of roses.

I sat for awhile before heading back to his room. I saw the doctor walking out from his room.

“Is he okay?” I asked, feeling pretty worried.

“You are….?” He asked.

“Erm.. Close.. female.. friend..” I mumbled.

The doctor laughed, he must have gotten my meaning. I smiled awkwardly.

“Oh yea he is. But his fever is still on the high side so he needs extra attention. His condition was bad when he was sent in, so we still have to be careful since his immune system is on the weak side. Any form of bacteria or virus whatever can do a lot of harm to him.” He said.

“So apart from that, he is okay? But why did a normal cold turn into something so serious?” I asked.

“Well, he was sick to start with and then without rest and proper medication, things just got worse.” He said.

“Oh.” I nodded.

“Do you know of any check up or whatever he has done in the past three months or is he on any constant medication or anything like that? We need to know before we can be certain. I couldn’t ask him because he was asleep. Since you’re his.. close.. female.. friend.. I thought you might know.” He smiled.

“Erm… I don’t think he is on any medication apart from the ones for fever, cold and sore throat.. Check ups…” I mumbled, thinking hard.

“Full body check ups, HIV or such..” He said.

“HIV?” I looked at him.

“Yea, pneumonia is one of the symptoms for its later stage, so…” He looked at me.

“Did he happen to get a check on HIV?” He asked.

I nodded slightly.

“When was that?” He asked.

“About… two.. or three months.. ago..” I mumbled.

“In where?” He asked.

“Kenya. He got stabbed by a bunch of needles when we were on a mission trip there.” I said, trying to calm myself down.

“Then I think we might have to get him checked again.” He said.

“What? No. It can’t be HIV. He got tested twice and it was negative!” I said.

“You said mission trip, so I supposed you’re a social worker in that field? You know how long it takes for HIV to show the symptoms, don’t you?” He said.

“At least three months..” I mumbled.

“But it can’t be!” I shouted.

“We have to get him tested before we can be sure. But in the meantime, no point worrying about it.” He said.

“I’ll do my best, okay?” He said.

I nodded, letting myself fall against the wall.

I thought it was over, that horrible period of time. Why is it all coming back? How am I going to tell Junhyung about it? How am I going to live if he gets infected? It is my fault.

After I collected myself, I pushed opened the door of his room. I froze when I saw him in a sitting position, looking at me with teary eyes.

“Junroro… You’re awake?” I mumbled.

“I heard it.” He said with a bitter smile.

“I am so sorry!” I broke down onto his lap.

He did not say anything, he did not even hold me, but I could feel droplets of water on my neck and I knew that he was crying too. 

***

Junroro when he overheard Haneul's conversation with the doctor