Winter

3 years later

Junhyung’s POV

“JUNHYUNG!!!!!!!! JUNHYUNG!!!!!!!!!!!!!!” I heard someone yell my name, shocking me out of my sleep.

“WAE!? WAE!?” I shot up and ran out of the room.

“SAENGIL CHUKA HAMIDA!!!!” The boys yelled in unison.

“Yah~ Don’t tell me you guys screamed like this just for this?” I asked.

“What do you mean just for this!? It’s your birthday!” Yoseob jumped up and down.

“Fine… Thank you.” I bowed to them.

The next thing I know, I was pushed to the ground and flattened by them.

“HOW MANY TIMES THIS YEAR!?” Doojoon shouted.

“26!!!!!!!!!!!” They screamed in unison.

“AHHHHHHHHHHH!!!” I yelled, trying to struggle myself out but it was impossible with five bodies on top of me.

They smacked my 26 times before getting off me.

“Owwwww~” I whined, rubbing my sore .

“Happy birthday!” They shouted.

“Thanks..” I mumbled, sitting up.

We were disrupted by the ringing of the phone. As the phone was pretty far, apparently no one was willing to go get it.

“It’s my birthday~” I said, pouting slightly, trying to be as cute as possible.

“Maknae~ Go~” Doojoon pointed.

“Why is it always me!?” Dongwoon whined.

“Because you’re the Maknae~” We all said in unison.

He stomped his foot like a girl.

“Alright, alright! Don’t spoil the morning~ It’s just a phone. Aish you lazy bums.” Hyunseung grumbled as he headed for it.

We clapped and cheered silently.

“JUNHYUNG! IT’S YOURS!” He shouted.

“Ughhhh~ Who is it…” I whined as I crawled to where Hyunseung was.

“Can’t you walk?” He scolded.

“No~” I said, taking the phone from him.

“Is this Yong Junhyung sshi?” The man over the line said.

“Yes, speaking. Who is this?” I asked.

“I am the security from downstairs. Someone has left a parcel for you. Do you want us to bring it up for you or do you want to come down to get it instead?” He asked.

“Parcel? Who?” I asked.

“She didn’t leave a name.” He said.

“She?” I asked.

“Yes.” He said.

“Alright, I’m coming.” I said as I hung up the call.

“Where are you going?” Doojoon asked as I headed for the door.

“The security downstairs said someone left me a parcel, so I’m going to get it.” I said.

“Oh alright. I know it’s your birthday and you really love your birthday suit but since you’re going out, please put on some clothes, would you?” He said.

I looked down and realized I was still dress in my singlet and boxer.

“OH!” I laughed as I ran back into the room to put on my clothes.

When I arrived downstairs, I saw a huge bag on the counter top.

“Annyeonghasaeyo, Yong Junhyung immnida.” I greeted the security.

“Oh hello~ Here is it.” He said, handing me the bag.

“Any idea who was she?” I asked, taking a look inside the bag.

It looked like a lunch box.

“I asked for her name but she didn’t say anything.” He said.

The fans would usually leave their name because they most likely want us to know who they are, so I am pretty sure it isn’t one of the fans. But who could it be?

“Is she a young girl?” I asked, hoping he would say yes. Then maybe, just maybe, she might be Haneul.

He shook his head. I was honestly a little disappointed thou.

“Ahjumma?” I asked.

He nodded.

“I thought she might be your mother.” He added.

My mother?

“Sorry but how long ago did she come? Did you see which direction she went?” I asked.

“She left the moment you step out of the lift. I think she went left.” He said.

“Thanks. Could you ask someone else to get this up for me? Thank you.” I bowed as I dashed out.

I was lucky since the streets were pretty empty early in the morning, easing my search. I looked around frantically until my eyes landed on a familiar back view. I raced towards that direction, not bothering if I banged into stuff.

“UMMA!!!!” I shouted.

She turned back and our eyes met. I was expecting her to run off like the other time, but to my surprise, she stood there. We stood in front of each other, studying each other’s face for quite some time.

“My son~” She said, cupping my cheeks.

My brain worked faster than my heart. I pushed her hands away.

“Don’t call me that. I amnot your son.” I said.

As much as I want to forget, I can’t. How they treated me years back, how she pushed me away just the other time, I can’t seem to forget it at all. It still hurts me to think about it. At times like this, if only Haneul is with me, I would be able to make the best decision ever.

I turned around and walked off. I covered my ears to shut out her pleads, but they seemed to get louder. 

“Son! Listen! Please! Junhyung! Listen!” She grabbed onto my arm.

I unconsciously pushed her away. I didn’t want to do it, but I just did.

“I’m so sorry, Son!” She cried.

‘Let her explain.’ I heard a voice say.

Like magic, I stopped walking. I looked around to search for the voice but there was no one.

“Son~” My mother called out, holding my hand.

“Fine. Explain.” I said, wiping away my tears, not looking at her.

“I… I was scared, alright? I’m sorry.” She said.

I glared at her.

“You were scared? Then how about me? Wasn’t I scared too!? I had no ing idea what was wrong with me! I am some… weird… freak! And until today, I have no idea too! You were scared so you left!? Seriously!?” I yelled.

She looked down, her body shaking vigorously from the sobs.

“And all these years, because you were scared, you just left me to fend for myself.” I said.

“I’m so sorry.” She apologized.

“Stop apologizing!” I yelled.

“Then what do you want me to say!?” She cried.

“So, are you not scared now?” I asked.

“Would you give me a chance to make it up to you?” She asked.

“You left me during the worst days of my life, and now you come back wanting to make it up to me?” I asked.

“Everyone deserves a second chance, don’t they?” She pleaded.

“I gave you a second chance, don’t you remember? I ran after you, but you pushed me away.” I said, forcing a smile.

“I was unprepared at that time.” She said.

“So you are prepared now?” I asked.

She looked down, not saying anything.

“How would I know if you would wake up one day feeling scared and unprepared again, and then leave me? I am nothing but human too, although I may be different. I don’t think I can take another heart break.” I said.

‘Give her a chance.’ I heard the voice said again.

I looked around, but there was no one. Was I going crazy?

“Son!! Are you alright!?” My mother cupped my cheeks.

I looked at her blankly before pushing her hands slightly. She looked disappointed.

“Would you… Forgive Umma… Please?” She said.

I looked down at my shoes, not knowing what to do. To be honest, I have long forgiven her already. But there was just something inside me that felt uncomfortable about the whole situation.

“You can take your time to think. Umma promise you, I am here to stay.” She said, holding my hands.

It’s been so long since she held me like this. It’s been so long since I felt her touch.

“Umma~” I cried, throwing myself into her embrace.

My actions must have shocked her because she took awhile to hug me back.

“I miss you! I miss you so much! Do you know how long I have been waiting for this day? Do you know how much I miss your touch!? Umma! Why did you leave me? Why?” I cried.

She caressed my back and whispered ‘I’m sorry’ countless times.

“Stop crying. No one should be crying on their birthday.” She hushed me.

“You remember?” I asked.

“Silly boy! How could I forget my own son’s birthday?” She said.

“I don’t know..” I mumbled.

“Stop crying.” She said, wiping my tears with her thumb.

“I miss you, Umma.” I said.

“Me too. Look at how much you have grown.” She said, looking at my body.

“But why are you getting thinner? Your company doesn’t allow you guys to eat?” She asked.

“No. It’s not like that. Just… Yea…” I mumbled.

How could I tell her I couldn’t seem to eat because Haneul isn’t around?

“Where have you been all these years? Where is Appa? And Junsung?” I asked.

“Junsung is studying in the US. Your Appa is back at our hometown. I came back here alone to look for you. Honestly Son, after we left that day, no one felt good.” She said.

I looked down, not saying anything as we walked.

“When we left you, we never thought for you. Many times we wanted to come back to apologize to you, but we were afraid. You’re a famous celebrity now, we didn’t want you to think that we’re back just because you’re rich.” She said.

“Then? What about now? I mean… I don’t mean anything… I’m just curious.” I said.

“Someone came and knocked some sense into us.” She smiled slightly.

“Someone? Who?” I asked.

“A girl. She doesn’t seem local thou. I thought she was your girlfriend.” My mother said.

“When did you meet her!? I am sorry for shouting but, recently? Have you met her recently, Umma!? Huh??” I asked.

“I have never seen her before.” She said.

“Then… How..?” I mumbled.

My mother took out a stack of letters and handed them to me.

“What’s this?” I asked.

“This girl has been sending me letters and photos of you to keep me update. I never replied to any, but she never gave up. She scolded us in some. Honestly, she seemed pretty cute, from the way she wrote. And, it’s obvious she isn’t Korean, isn’t it? Look at all the mistakes and English. We had a hard time deciphering.” My mother said.

I recognized the handwritings. They belonged to Haneul. Have she been doing this behind my back? But how did she find my family? Why did she not mention anything to me?

“When is the most recent one?” I asked.

“It suddenly stopped three years ago.” She said.

I felt all the hope in me drain off suddenly.

“Are you alright?” My mother asked.

“Yes, but Umma, can I keep these?” I asked.

“Sure, why not?” She smiled.

“Umma..” I called out.

“Yes?” She said, looking at me.

“Thank you for coming back.” I said.

She shook her head.

“Sorry for leaving.” She said.

I smiled, giving her a peck on her cheek.

“Aigoo~ Aren’t you afraid your fans would go crazy if they saw this?” She said.

“No~ Not afraid at all.” I said, pecking her on the other side of her cheek.

“Alright enough, enough.” She laughed.

“Find this girl, I want to thank her. If not for her, I would never have had the courage to come today. I should have came three years ago, but… I’m so sorry I took so long.” She said.

“Stop apologizing, please.” I said.

“Alright, anything you say.” She smiled.

We held hands as we continued walking. It’s been so long. I miss this so much.

***

I sat at the counter of the bookstore, reading the letters the girl sent to my mother. I am pretty sure the girl is Haneul. Her handwriting, the way she wrote, even the paper she used; it spelt her.

‘HOW COULD YOU DO THIS TO YOUR SON!? YOU ARE NOT WORTHY TO BE CALLED HIS PARENTS! But then again, please go back to him! He misses you all so much. Doesn’t your heart ache? Don’t you feel guilty? I’m sure you feel all these! So please, go back to him.’

‘See how marvelous he has become? Don’t you want to be a part of his life? He is still growing up! You still have a chance!’

I couldn’t help but laugh and cry at the same time as I read. How could there be anyone so cute?

I left the letters aside and wiped my tears with whatever I grabbed from the side. It happened to be the Daisy Duck.

“Oh sorry.” I mumbled.

It has been three years since that day, but Haneul never came back. The others seem to have accepted the fact she is dead, but for me, something inside me is telling me she isn’t. I wait for her every day at the bookstore. It wasn’t easy waiting for alone. She disappeared totally, including her parents. It was as if they never existed. I tried to look for Jace, but it seemed like he left too.

Normal days were easy to pass by, but on days like our anniversaries, her birthday, my birthday and the days I fell sick or when I experience horrible cramps, it was just so difficult to pass, because all these while, she had been with me. Three years may seem like a long period of time, but it isn’t long enough to heal my wound. I still feel guilty, it is my fault this had to happen. I caused her death, if she is really gone, or else, it is because of me that she disappeared. Either way, it’s my entire fault.

Many times I tried to make myself let go, I tried to make myself believe she is already dead, but I just couldn’t. I don’t know why, but I couldn’t. But maybe its better this way, like this, I would remember her for life. I don’t mind living in fiction if it is where I can be with her.

I bought over the bookstore when the boss wanted to close it down. How can I let this place close? It holds all our memories. I kept the interior the same but I renamed it to ‘Skye’. I bought this bookstore for her. I am still waiting for the day I can hand the keys over to her. She is the rightful owner of this place.

I didn’t bother to hide the fact I was the owner of the bookstore. If Haneul came back, I didn’t want her to think that the bookstore is gone. I come to the bookstore every night. I open it at night as usual, hardly anyone came thou, but then again, I didn’t open the bookstore for them. Sometimes couples or friends would come by to study or cuddle. Sometimes fans would crowd the entire place. I allowed them to use the entire place, except the basement, because that placed belonged to Haneul and I only.

When I had nothing in particular to do, I would give writing lessons to whoever was interested. I know most of them were just interested in seeing Beast, but I didn’t mind. It gave me something to distract myself. Haneul love to write. In fact, most of my inspiration came from her. She doesn’t know how much she has impacted me.

“Junhyung Oppa, annyeong.” A group of girls said, snapping me out from my thoughts.

“Annyeong. Go home safely.” I said as I watched them walk out, leaving me alone in the bookstore.

“And oh, saengil chukka hamida!” They said.

“Thank you very much.” I said as I watched them walk out, leaving me alone in the bookstore.

“Haneul ah, where are you?” I asked, looking at the wallpaper on my phone screen.

“I miss you so much.” I said.

“Have you been well? Are you eating? Are you alright? I am not alright, you know. I am a mess without you. Where are you, my Darling? My Umma came to look for me today. It is the best birthday present ever, apart from you. But where are you? I am waiting to share the good news with you. I know it has been you, right? You were the ones who sent those letters. You never said anything about it, why? But thank you so much, Darling. Thank you. My life is almost complete, I just need you to come back to fill up the spot. It’s been three years, Darling. Three years but the pain in my heart has never decreased. It still hurts, a lot.” I cried, looking at her photo.

“They told me to give up. They told me to accept it. Even Seungho Hyung. But although they all say the same thing, I can tell from their eyes that they still don’t believe you’re dead. You’re not dead, right? You’re not. You wouldn’t be so cruel. We all miss you, Darling. Please come back to us. Please. I’ll do anything. Just come back. Three years of hiding is enough. You’ve won the hide and seek. I lost. So please come out now. Don’t hide any longer. Please. Daisy Duck have been so sad too because you took her boyfriend with you. She misses him too.” I clutch the phone close to my chest.

“I miss you so much. Haneul ah, I miss you.” I mumbled.

I hugged my knees and cried. I couldn’t be crying all day long, but I can’t hide my feelings forever, so only on these days I would allow myself to bawl my eyes out. Each time I look up after crying my heart out, I wished I would see her face, but for three years, I was greeted by emptiness.

Haneul, just where are you?