Junhyung’s POV

No one mentioned about Haneul anymore. I don’t know if they just didn’t want to see me cry, or did they find it difficult to mention about her too, but either way, we were all hiding something inside us. When I told Seungho Hyung about it, he bawled his eyes out, which was pretty much unexpected to me. I ended up having to console him, which honestly felt pretty weird.

Our lives had to go on, right? I wish I could just jump off the roof and then I could reunite with her, but I couldn’t bring myself too, at least not now. I just reunited with my family and I had the boys to answer to, I didn’t want them to suffer the same pain twice.

I begged Haneul’s parents to let me know where her grave is, but they refused. Maybe someone didn’t want to let me see her, maybe Jace. But whatever it is, I couldn’t force the two of them anymore. I love them as much as Haneul loved them. They were my parents when I had none, and even now, I still treat them as my parents.

I guess I would remember Haneul in my own way. I have her photos everywhere; my wallet, my notebook, my phone, my bag and even on the Daisy Duck. I sewed a small pocket at the back of the toy and put her photo inside. Every night I would talk to her before I sleep. It was as thou she never left. I know I sound insane, I know even the boys find it freaky but they just didn’t have the heart to stop me.

I sat on the roof of the playhouse at the playground, letting the snow fall on me. I remember the last time we were here, she had asked me to dance and sing to IU’s You and I, but I refused. Now I understand her unhappiness that time, because I once did it for her, I once did everything she requested.  If I didn’t turn her down, I would have another smile of hers to reminisce.

“Look properly alright.” I said to her photo.

I gave it a peck before jumping off the roof.

“Don’t laugh eh! I remember the other time you burst into laughter. How mean!” I said, pouting slightly. She loves it when I do such awkward aegyo. I have no idea why it amuses her so much.

I looked around to make sure there was no one around, and then I started singing and dancing. I could picture her sitting on the roof, dangling her legs down, smiling and clapping. It felt so real.

“Do you know how much I miss you?” I said, stopping suddenly.

“Do you know how lonely I am without you?” I said.

“But Haneul ah, I still don’t believe you’re dead. I just can’t.” I said, looking down.

“Haneul, I am very impatient but you know I am very patient when it comes to you. You know I can wait for you, even if I have to prove my sincerity to you all over again, even if I have to go through the ‘getting ignored by you’ period of time, you know I’ll do it. All I am asking for is, please, Darling, please, come back to me. Just come back to me.” I said.

“If you’re really gone, then… Appear in my dreams or… Just appear as a soul. Are you afraid that once I know the truth I would forget you? I wouldn’t! You know I wouldn’t. Alright, maybe I’ve proven myself worthless when I forgot all about you, but I promise I wouldn’t let that happen again. Darling, I’m not complaining that it’s tough on me, but, it’s really painful. I need an answer, Darling. Not from anyone else but from you. Only you can make me move on. Only you can.” I said.

“Oh right, you’ll be angry if I stop dancing. Sorry.” I said, wiping away my tears.

I continued dancing randomly until I was out of energy.

“That’s all for today.” I said, lying on the ground.

I gave her photo a kiss before holding it close to my chest.

“Anywhere you are, I am near Anywhere you go, I'll be there. Anytime you whisper my name, you'll see. Every single promise I keep,Cuz what kind of guy would I be, If I was to leave when you need me most.” I sang.

She love it when I sang, just like I love it when she laughed. Even if I went out of tune, she would never jeer at me, she would laugh, but she would be clapping at the same time. She doesn’t know how those small gestures gave me big encouragement.

“What are words If you really don't mean them When you say them.What are wordsIf they're only for good timesThen they don't.When it's loveYeah, you say them out loudthose words, They never go away.They live on, even when we're gone.”  I continued, the duckie lightly.

“And I know an angel was sent just for me, And I know I'm meant to be where I am, And I'm gonna be. Standing right beside her tonight,And I'm gonna be by your side, I would never leave when she needs me most.”  I sighed.

But when she needed me the most, I wasn’t there. Am I even worthy to be called her boyfriend?

“My angel, I’m sorry I let you down.” I said softly.

 ***

We headed over to Japan for a showcase a few days later. I sat in the waiting room, remembering how Haneul pouted when she knew I was coming to Japan. She said she has never been here before, and I promised to take her here the next time I come.

“Hyung, let’s go.” Yoseob said, tugging me lightly.

“Alright.” I said, stuffing the duckie into my back pocket.

“You’re really going to bring that up?” He asked.

“Yes.” I said.

“You’ll be the first rapper ever to rap with a duckie dangling out of his back pocket.” He said, rolling his eyes.

“I don’t mind.” I smiled.

We did our group performances then break for solo. I was the last one to go, so I sat in the waiting room, watching the other boys perform.

“Junhyung, your turn in five minutes.” Someone came into the room to announce.

“Alright.” I said.

I made sure my clothes were proper and my hair was neat.

“Let’s go!” I told the Duckie.

I clutched it tightly in my hand as I walked out.

“Junnie!” I heard them call for me.

I turned back and smiled at them.

“Fighting! We’ll be here for you!” They cheered.

I made the Duckie ‘nod’ it’s head before walking out to the sea of cheering fans.

I stood on stage, waiting for them to calm down. When they finally quiet down, I waved to them using the duckie and greeted them in Japanese.

“Kon'nichiwa.” I said awkwardly.

They yelled back in response.

“Watashi no namae wa Yong Junhyung desu.” I said.

They laughed instead. Did I say something wrong? Or was I too awkward?

“Shhh shhh~” I urged them.

“It’s been long since Beast came to Japan. Today I am going to attempt to sing a Japanese song, but honestly, I think I’m going to sound quite funny.” I laughed.

They yelled something I couldn’t make out.

“But nevertheless, I hope you enjoy it, because this song is for you.” I said.

I in a deep breath before grabbing onto the mic stand.

“This is cute, right?” I said, waving the Duckie.

They shouted in response.

“No, I’m not giving it to you.” I teased them.

The music played. I looked around and met the eyes of the other boys. They were cheering for me silently, urging me to give it my best shot.

Haneul ah, how many times have I sang on stage for you but you were not here? But that doesn’t mean I am going to stop singing, so you listen well, alright?

I made a mental note not to break down into tears, but I have a strong feeling it is going to happen anyway.

*Click play~ But like the other time, I hope you wouldn't let it lead you to the youtube page because I wish you guys wouldn't know the title of the song yet :)*

Now, over the crossing
Someone who was always besides me stands.
First snow of the season falls on her back who is walking not knowing anything. 

My heart hurts as I run.
Because it was as if I left you behind. 
Do I still exist in you? 

The crowd screamed when I started singing. They must have recognized the song, but Haneul ah, do you recognize it? Do you remember this song? You told me how much you liked it. I remember how you would pretend to wail whenever you hear the song.

As a selfish person.
Because I wanna see you.
Just wanna see you.

I was holding your image in myself. 
Changes into memory
Not to fade it away

I know I am very selfish, Haneul ah. You were not the selfish one. It is me. When I needed you, I wanted you. When I forgot you, I pushed you away. It is very painful right? I promised to never hurt you, but I broke my promise. Haneul ah, but I just want to see you again.

"I love sad songs too." 
Why wasn't I able to realize?
Over the crowd, I see your back

I was reaching out my hand unconsciously 
Even if it's too late
Gotta tell you "I'm sorry" 

I can apologize to you ten thousand times and still feel very sorry towards you. I honestly don’t even know if I can forgive myself for whatever I did. What I did was the last thing any man, or rather, any partner should do. Why is no one blaming me? Not even you. Is this some sort of different way of punishment? Because I think it is. I’m feeling so guilty.

Otherwise I can't move on
So I ran after you.
Just ran after you

As if I cut through the crowd 
I called your name, called many times 
Did it reach?

I know I don’t have the rights to say this, but Haneul ah, I really miss you. They say time heals all wounds, but why in my case is the wound getting bigger? Haneul, there are so much things I have not done with you yet, why are you gone so soon? Why didn’t you bring me along?

But straight,Just straight
You keep walking forward
Never looking back

As if you leave everything behind
As if it's for me
I cannot still find the answer

Why did you leave me behind? Why did you break your promise to go through thick and thin with me and even if I am blue? You accepted me for who I am, but you left me behind. Ah right, it’s my fault, it’s my fault. I pushed you away. I killed you.

What's right and what's wrong  
Please reflect me into your eyes once more time. 
Let me ask you.
So I wanna see you. 
Just wanna see you.

I was holding your image in myself 
It wasn't a dream
It was a reality

Three years, Haneul ah, it’s been three years. How did I survive these three years without you? I don’t know. Or maybe, it wasn’t without you after all. I had hope that you were alive, you pulled me through despite the fact I pushed you away. So why now throw the fact into my face? Why can’t I forever live in the delusion that you’re still alive?

But I let your hand go
Snow keeps falling.
My feeling gets stronger

Express train passes
By the time this crossing opens
You will probably not be there
You will probably not be there, but

Haneul ah, you’re not dead, right? You’re just like those teenagers who ran away from home. But Haneul, don’t you think it’s time to come back? Stop playing with me anymore. I don’t know if I can go on convincing myself you’re alive. When the day I fail to convince myself comes, I’m afraid I may suddenly have the courage to go join you.

Just as I expected to happen, by the end of the song, I was already on the floor bawling my eyes out.

“I’m sorry.” I apologized to them.

“KWENCHANA!!!” They shouted.

I laughed slightly at their accent.

I bowed and thanked them again before leaving the stage.

“Aigoo look at your make up~” Doojoon teased me as he wiped my tears.

“Sorry.” I mumbled.

“Although you look like some fellow from cosplay now, I must say that was really one of the most touching version of this song I’ve ever heard.” Yoseob said.

“Junhyung ah, you can always hold onto her, but it’s time to let yourself go.” Hyunseung said.

I looked at him, not getting what he meant.

“I know you’ll never be able to forget her or let her go, to be honest, we all feel the same. But it’s time you let yourself free from the prison you locked yourself in. You have to start living and not just simply existing like what you’re doing now, do you get me?” He said.

I kept quiet, digesting his words.

“Only like this, if you ever meet her again, be it on Earth or in Heaven, you can greet her proudly. If she knows how you have been living, she wouldn’t be pleased. Haneul isn’t the type of girl who would want to see you crumple.” He said.

I nodded. He made sense, he always does.

“Alright, we still have to finish the show!” Doojoon said.

I stood up and looked around for my duckie.

“Looking for this?” Kikwang asked, making the duckie dance in the air.

“Ohh!!” I tried to take it from him but he moved away.

“Eh eh~ Not until you promise you would eat dinner later on.” He said.

“Yah! Return it to me!” I frowned.

“Promise me! Is it so difficult? You eat for yourself you know, not for me.” He said.

“Lee Kikwang!” I shouted.

“Look at you. Three years and you lost half your body weight, and what’s worst is you’re just getting thinner. Hyung!” He pouted.

“It’s not as bad as you said!” I shouted.

He pushed me lightly and I almost fell over if not for the wall.

“SEE! You can’t even balance yourself now!” He shouted.

“Alright! I promise you!” I said.

“I’ll give it back when you finish your food.” He said, running out.

“YAH!!!!!!!” I shouted, running after him.

I felt breathless after a few steps. I guess he was right. I was really unhealthy.

***

“Here~” Kikwang said, handing me the duckie when we were in our hotel room.

I glared at him and snatched the toy from him. He shook his head and walked off. This fellow knows how to make me feel guilty, doesn’t he?

“Kikwang ah!” I called out.

“What?” He answered.

“Thanks.” I mumbled.

He smiled, eyes disappearing. I have to admit he does look cute like that.

I soaked myself in a tub of warm water, thinking over what Hyunseung told me just now. Letting go of myself doesn’t mean letting go of her? Why is this guy always so deep? Can’t he put it in simpler words!?

The toilet door flew open suddenly. Did I forget to lock the door? Although we were all guys and we have seen each others’ body before, out of natural reaction, I still screamed.

“QUICK!! COME OUT!!” Yoseob shouted as he pulled me up.

“What is it!?” I shouted, trying to cover myself. This boy sure knows how to make me feel weird.

“JUST COME!” He dragged me.

I almost fell flat onto the floor. I wanted to reach for a towel but he dragged me out of the toilet. I stood in the middle of our hotel room, and cold.

“OMO!!!!” Dongwoon choked on his chips.

“Damn it, Yoseob! What is it!?” I scolded as I grabbed the blanket to cover myself.

“LOOK!!!” He pointed at the TV.

“What!? You dragged me out just to let me watch a documentary on how volunteer workers do their job!? Seriously, Yang Yoseob!? I’m not the ing least interested!” I shouted.

“JUST ING WATCH ON WOULD YOU!?” He threw the remote onto the floor.

“This better be good.” I mumbled as I watched on.

Indeed, it was good.

“Ha… Haneul..” I mumbled as I watch the girl on television explain their work scope.

Everyone of us froze and watched attentively. She looked the same from three years ago. She had bangs and she still liked to tie her hair up in a cute, high bun. Her smile and laughter, how much I miss those.

“She’s not dead… She’s not dead…” I mumbled to myself.

“IT’S REALLY HER, RIGHT!? IT’S REALLY HER! THE WAY SHE SPEAKS, HER ACTIONS, HER SMILE! IT’S HER, RIGHT!? I DIDN’T SEE WRONG!? JUN! THIS IS LIVE!! SO THAT MEANS SHE’S HERE!!” Yoseob shouted excitedly.

“It’s her. It’s her.” I nodded.

“OH MY GOD!!!” They shouted, throwing themselves onto me.

“YONG JUNHYUNG!!! OH MY GOD!!!” Doojoon shouted, squashing my cheeks.

“She’s not dead…” I cried.

I was so distracted in rejoicing that I didn’t even know the program had ended. I have not taken down the organization she was in, how do I look for her like this!?

“This?” Dongwoon asked, waving a piece of paper in his hand.

“You took it down!? Thank you!” I said, trying to take the paper from him.

“Promise me something.” He said.

What is wrong with the maknae line today? First Kikwang made me promise him to eat, then Yoseob pulled me out of the toilet, and now the maknae wants me to promise him something again?

“What?” I said, feeling pretty frustrated.

“Bring her back.” He smiled, handing me the paper.

“I promise.” I snatched the paper from him and headed for the door.

“YAH!!! WHAT DO YOU THINK YOU’RE DOING!?” Doojoon shouted.

“I’m going to find her now!” I shouted.

“PUT ON YOUR ING CLOTHES, YOU ERT!” He laughed.

I looked down to realize I was still just wrapped in a blanket. Yoseob’s fault.

I put on my clothes hurriedly. I googled for the organization she was in and got their contact number. It was an international organization and they were having a mission in Japan, therefore the interview just now. I got down the address and contact number for their headquarters in Japan.

I looked at the time, it was almost 11PM, but the person over the line told me they work 24/7, so I was going to try my luck. Even if I don’t find her today, I would be able to soon. This is my first step. If I can wait three years, I don’t see why I can’t spend more time finding her.

Being able to see her again was like seeing the light once again. She’s healthy, she’s alive, I’m so glad. Then again, why did they all lie to me? Including her parents? But, that wasn’t the point now. The point now is I have to find her. My darling girl, wait for me, I promise I’ll find you.