Junhyung lied on the couch of the Noraebang (karaoke room), one hand holding the microphone, another hand holding onto a half full beer bottle. He has been lying there for three days ever since he learnt what happened to Haneul, drowning himself in alcohol and really loud music.

The people at the Noraebang couldn’t kick him out because he paid, but they were worried as to what he might do with himself. Everyone was looking for him, but he obviously doesn’t know, or rather, he cannot be bothered.

He randomly pressed the buttons on the remote until a song came up. He smiled and laughed when he heard the song.

“Are you mocking me?” He mumbled to himself as he pushed himself to sit up.

He swallowed a mouthful of alcohol before clearing his throat, preparing for the song. He could sing this song with his eyes closed. It was one of their songs.

“Girl, I still regret a lot. I wanna, I wanna turn back times” He started mumbling.

“Baby girl, Even if I try to erase your presence And even your name, I can’t forget you” He sang in a hoarse voice.

“I, who pushed your clinging body away, I, who regretted after sending you away, I miss you like this, Miss you miss you” He started crying.

“Hey stop, the last moment between us Is cornering me to the edge of this cliff” But he continued to sing.

Because Haneul likes to hear him sing, he told himself.

“When the time passes and passes, When the pain becomes a memory, If you can return to me with that Kind of heart that loved me again” He sang in between his sobs.

“I’m sorry girl I’m sorry girl I’m sorry girl I’m sorry girl I’m sorry girl I’m sorry girl” He knelt on the ground, wailing loudly.

‘Locked inside a silent roomMy mind a blank, I go crazy from the thoughts of you No matter how much I call And call again you aren’t here’The player played.

‘Just me who is crumbling without youIs left here Why didn’t I get a hold of you back then Looking at myself regretting after sending you away Like this I miss you I miss you I need you I’m sorry no way Come to me’He cried as the player played the song.

“When the time passes and passes When the pain becomes a memory If you can return to me with that Kind of heart that loved me again” He picked up the microphone again and forced the voice out of him.

“I’m sorry girl I’m sorry girlI’m sorry girl I’m sorry girl I’m sorry girl I’m sorry girl” He sang.

“Smiling as if there is nothing wrong Please come back to me” He choked on his own tears and started coughing.

‘Stay by me, I can’t forget you even if I dieWait for me At that place, on that spot’The player played.

“I won’t send you away Because I can’t live a day Without you” He sang after he collected himself.

“From the sadness of sending you away I empty the full glass Already drunk I crave you all over again I don’t do anything after losing you My world is on pause And right in the middle of it all, you are there ma babe” He continued.

“I’m sorry girl I’m sorry girl I’m sorry girl I’m sorry girl I’m sorry girl I’m sorry girl” He dropped the microphone and curled up on the ground.

“I’m so sorry, Haneul ah~ I’m so sorry. Come back to me, please. I’m so sorry. I never wanted things to turn out this way. Come back and punish me, torture me. Anything, but leave me like that. Please. I’m so sorry.” He cried.

“Whatever I did, whatever I said, I’m so sorry, Haneul ah! I wasn’t me at that time! Why did you take it to heart!? Why didn’t you slap some sense into me!? You know I can’t live without you! Why did you have to die? Why can’t you just disappear and then let me hunt for you? Haneul ah!” He cried, banging his head against the floor.

“Baby girl, please come back to me. Please.” He begged.

For the past three days, he has been behaving like this. He would laugh to himself, talk to the Dasiy Duck, space out, cry, fall asleep, wake up, continue drinking, yelling the songs at the top of his voice and the routine continues.

“Do you hate me?” He asked the toy.

“But I hate myself.” He mumbled.

“What have I done?” He asked.

“Haneul ah~ I remember everything now. I’m sorry, Haneul ah. Come back, please.” He cried.

He lied on the floor, hugging the toy in one hand and the beer bottle in another. He mumbled to himself, repeating ‘I’m sorry’ until he dozed off.

He was shocked awake when he felt a wave of cold water splash over him. He struggled to catch his breath and open his eyes.

“GET UP!” Seungho shouted.

Junhyung obediently forced himself up. He was drenched in cold water. He looked at Seungho, not understanding what was going on.

“Hyu.. Hyung.” He mumbled.

“HYUNG! YOU STILL RECOGNISE ME AS YOUR HYUNG MEANS THAT YOU’RE NOT THAT WASTED YET! WHAT HAVE YOU DONE TO YOURSELF!?” Seungho shouted.

Junhyung looked at him, stunned. The other boys rushed in, they were shocked to see Junhyung drenched.

“For all three days, you have been here?” Doojoon asked, a hint of disappointment in his voice.

“ALL OF US WERE SO WORRIED FOR YOUR SAFETY AND YET YOU ARE JUST HERE, WASTING YOUR LIFE AWAY!?” Seungho yelled.

Junhyung looked down, not saying anything.

“Stand up!” Seungho commanded.

Junhyung did not move, which made Seungho angrier. He grabbed Junhyung by his collar and pulled him up forcefully.. The other boys wanted to stop him, but they all knew Seungho was doing this for Junhyung’s own good.

“Why don’t you just let me die?” Junhyung mumbled.

“What?” Seungho asked, despite hearing everything.

“I SAY WHY DON’T YOU JUST LET ME DIE!” Junhyung shouted back.

Even before Junhyung could blink, a hard slap landed on his left cheek, leaving a dark red palm mark.

“Try it. Repeat what you said again. TRY IT!” Seungho shouted, shaking with anger.

“WHY DON’T YOU JUST LET ME DIE!!!!” Junhyung shouted, tears flowing down his cheeks.

Seungho let go of Junhyung. Junhyung fell to the floor, crying with his head down. Seungho stared blankly at his dongsaeng, tears staining his cheeks as well. The other boys behind were sobbing. All of them were heartbroken hearing what Junhyung said.

“How could you say that?” Seungho mumbled.

“How could you hurt us like this?” Seungho continued.

“I don’t deserve to live at all!” Junhyung shouted.

“Why are you such a disappointment?” Seungho said.

Junhyung looked up at his Hyung. He felt like an for making his Hyung cry.

“Why, Junhyung, why? Is losing one friend not enough? Is living with the guilt that we indirectly caused her death not enough? I know you’re hurting. I know it’s difficult to accept. None of us here have accepted it. None of us here want to believe it. She’s our friend, our little sister. Are we not affected by it? And then here you are, wasting yourself away, talking about wanting to die. Is death a joke, huh?” Seungho said.

His voice was calm, which scared them even more.

“You want to waste yourself away, right? You want to drown yourself in alcohol, right? Come, let’s do it together.” Seungho said as he looked around.

He grabbed a bottle of hard liquor from the table.

“Come on, cheers.” He said, knocking the bottle against Junhyung’s beer bottle.

“SEUNGHO NO!!!” Doojoon shouted when Seungho drank straight from the bottle.

Junhyung’s eyes widened at his Hyung’s action. He felt as thou someone knocked his head with a brick, waking him up in a really harsh manner.

The other boys tried to pull the bottle away from Seungho, but they failed miserably. They watch in shock as Seungho finished the entire bottle of hard liquor.

“Hyung…” Junhyung mumbled.

“Why does no one love themselves nowadays? Is death something we can play with? We call it a game of life, but it’s not literally a game you know. There’s no restart button when you die. Junhyung ah, do you really want to die?” Seungho asked.

His cheeks were flushed and he couldn’t even balance himself.

“Hyung! I’m so sorry, Hyung!” Junhyung cried.

“We’re all upset about it, Junhyung ah. I wish someone would tell me it isn’t true too. But Junhyung ah… If it’s true… then… I don’t know. What should we do, Junhyung? How can we bring her back to life? I don’t wish her to leave too. She’s such a cute little sister.” Seungho cried.

“It’s all my fault, Hyung. I murdered her. I pushed her to suicide.” Junhyung cried.

All of them knelt down, hugging each other and sobbing. No one could accept the fact that Haneul is gone, but then again, as much as they wanted to put all the blame on Junhyung, they couldn’t. In fact, all of them felt that they had fault in Haneul’s suicide.

“Junhyung ah, please don’t do this to yourself anymore. Please.” Doojoon begged.

“I’m so sorry.” Junhyung mumbled.

Seungho smiled slightly after seeing his dongsaeng come back to his senses.

“Don’t you ever… Ahh..” He clutch onto his stomach.

“HYUNG!!!” They shouted.

“What is wrong, Hyung!? Are you okay!?” Junhyung yelled.

“Ahhh my stomach hurts.” Seungho said, bending over, hugging onto his stomach.

“DON’T SCARE ME LIKE THIS, HYUNG!!!!” Junhyung shouted.

“Help him onto my back.” Doojoon said, bending down.

“Don’t need.” Seungho mumbled.

He was pale and perspiring, which freaked Junhyung and the other boys out even more.

“QUICK!” Doojoon shouted.

Kikwang and Dongwoon helped Seungho onto Doojoon’s back while Hyunseung and Yoseob held onto Junhyung for him to walk properly.

Junhyung felt like crap knowing that he was the cause of his Hyung’s pain.

“He’ll be okay. I think it’s just the alcohol.” Hyunseung said, consoling Junhyung.

The doctor had to pump Seungho’s stomach because of the large amount of hard liquor he drank at a go.

“It’s all my fault.” Junhyung mumbled.

“Junhyung.” Doojoon called out.

Junhyung looked up at him.

“Honestly, I’m disappointed.” He said.

“I’m so sorry.” Junhyung mumbled.

“But I can understand you. So it’s fine. Promise me you’ll not bottle up your feelings. You can always cry and throw a tantrum at home. We will all be here for you. Just… Just don’t hurt yourself like this anymore.” Doojoon said.

“Why are you all so nice? I don’t deserve it.” Junhyung cried.

“You’re family, didn’t I say that before?” Doojoon said, pulling Junhyung into his arms.

“She’s not dead, right? She’s not.” Junhyung cried.

“I don’t know, Junhyung ah. I really don’t. But I wish she’s not too.” Doojoon said, crying as well.

“I’m always causing trouble. I’m such a burden to Beast.” Junhyung cried.

“Don’t ever say that!” Doojoon shouted.

Junhyung flinched at Doojoon’s loud voice.

“You’re not a burden.” Doojoon said.

“Hyung, we’re all here for you. It’s difficult, but we’ll get pass it together, alright?” Dongwoon said.

At times like this, it seems like only the maknae can stay calm.

“Yong Junhyung sshi?” The nurse called out.

Doojoon wiped Junhyung’s face before letting him turn to the nurse.

“Yang Seungho sshi is awake and he’s asking for you.” She said.

“Alright.” Junhyung said, running to the room.

“Hyung!” He shouted.

Seungho smiled weakly at him.

“HYUNG!!” Junhyung pouted unconsciously.

“Don’t look like that. I’m fine.” Seungho said tiredly.

“How could you do something so stupid!? You could have died!” Junhyung yelled.

“I was desperate into letting you know how hurting your words were, alright. Then how about you? You could have died too if not because the people at the Noraebang called CUBE to look for people in charge to take you back.” Seungho said.

“They did?” Junhyung looked down, embarrassed.

“Dongsaeng ah~” Seungho called out, grabbing Junhyung’s hand.

“Dongsaeng ah, whatever happened has happened. None of us wanted this outcome. We all know it is hard on you because.. indirectly… your words…” He stopped to wipe Junhyung’s tears.

“I believe, dead or alive, Haneul would never want to see you waste your life like this. Honestly, I don’t believe she’s dead too. If she’s dead, then where is her body? Where is the funeral? Where is her grave? But then again, she isn’t local, so… I don’t know. But Junhyung, do you think she’s dead? As in, you’ve been the closest to her. You should have some sort of feeling. What does your heart tell you?” Seungho asked.

“She’s not dead. Haneul isn’t that kind of people. She may attempt to do it, but she wouldn’t. In the end, she wouldn’t. Because she worries too much about everyone else. She isn’t self centered. Haneul wouldn’t do such a thing.” Junhyung cried.

“Then find her.” Seungho said.

“Huh?” Junhyung looked confused.

“If you don’t trust that she’s dead, then find her.” Seungho said.

“But what if…” Junhyung mumbled.

“What if she’s really dead?” Seungho asked.

Junhyung nodded slightly.

“Then until we can master how to bring people back from the dead, we have to live on. Haneul will forever be here.” He said, poking Junhyung’s left chest where his heart is.

“This period of time is not going to be easy, I know. But you have to go on. You can fall, but you have to stand up. We all need each other. The boys need you as much as you need them. Haneul is precious to all of us and neither of us is willing to accept the fact. But until we can prove otherwise, we have to live on.” Seungho said.

Junhyung nodded.

“Be strong, Junhyung ah. If you need to cry, if you need to yell, don’t do it alone.” Seungho said.

Seungho forced himself up and hugged Junhyung tight.

“You’re my precious dongsaeng, you know it right. I already lost my little sister Haneul, I cannot afford to lose you, my little brother, as well. Junhyung ah, do you understand me?” Seungho said, crying.

“Sorry Hyung.” Junhyung cried.

The two male hugged each other, crying their hearts out at their loss.

“Rest well, Hyung. Thank you, and sorry.” Junhyung said as he covered the blanket over Seungho.

“Go back home, shower and sleep, alright?” Seungho said.

“I will.” Junhyung nodded as he left.

***

Junhyung walked into the room after his shower. The other boys were already fast asleep. Because of Junhyung’s disappearance and news of Haneul’s suicide, they have been losing sleep for the past three days. Junhyung tucked every member into sleep and whispered ‘I’m sorry for causing trouble’, before grabbing his Duckie toy and tucking himself into bed.

He lied in bed and closed his eyes. Despite feeling really tired, he couldn’t sleep. He saw Haneul’s smiling face the moment his eyes closed. Jace’s words replayed in his head. Jace’s wish came true. Junhyung really couldn’t sleep, neither could he eat.

Junhyung covered his mouth to muffle his cries. He didn’t want to wake the others up, but neither could he control himself from crying. It was just too much for him to accept although he has came back to his senses.

As he sobbed, he felt a palm caress his back. He opened his eyes, hoping to see Haneul. But instead, it was Yoseob who was smiling at him.

“Are you alright?” Yoseob whispered, wiping away Junhyung’s tears.

Junhyung shook his head.

“I know it hurts.” Yoseob said.

“It’s so painful, Seob ah.” Junhyung mumbled.

Yoseob nodded slightly, patting Junhyung’s back. He held Junhyung in his arms, rubbing circles into his back as he cried. Yoseob had tears falling all over his cheeks too. After crying for awhile, Junhyung stopped.

“Better?” Yoseob asked.

“Yea. Thanks.” Junhyung mumbled.

“Never cry alone again, okay?” Yoseob said as he tucked Junhyung into bed.

He even remembered to let Junhyung hold onto the Daisy Duck.

“Junnie, are you asleep?” Yoseob called out after awhile.

“Mmm?” Junhyung answered.

“About what I said to you at the studio that day…” Yoseob said.

“What?” Junhyung asked.

“About… you should be the one… dying~” Yoseob mumbled.

“Oh.” Junhyung responded.

“I didn’t mean it. Please don’t take it to heart. I never want you dead. I really never. I would exchange my life for yours. I would never want you to die. You don’t deserve to die at all. Please, forget about it, would you? I’m so sorry.” Yoseob said.

Junhyung chuckled, surprising Yoseob.

“It’s fine, Seob ah. It’s alright. I don’t remember any of it.” He said.

“Good night, Junnie.” Yoseob said.

“Good night, Seobie.” Junhyung smiled.

“Haneul ah, until I see your grave, your body, I’ll never trust that you’re dead. But until I find you, I’ll live on, for you. I may not be strong enough, but I’ll force myself to be strong, for you. If you’re alive, please be well. If you’re not… then take me along, because I cannot live without you...”Junhyung said inside.