Junhyung’s POV

After that day, I still go to the bookstore nightly. The boss said that she didn’t say when she is coming back, she didn’t exactly quit, so that means there is still hope that she’ll return, right? She said she’ll think about it. She has not even given me her answer. I carry the Donald Duck in my bag everywhere I go. He lost its owner too, he’ll be lonely if I ignored him as well, wouldn’t he? Ha~ Why am I slowly becoming like her?

It hurts thou, going there and finding it as empty as ever. But I’m positive she’ll come back. Maybe in a week’s time? Maybe two? Maybe one month? One year? I’m sure she’ll be back, it’s just a matter of time. I’ll wait. I really will.

“Hyung, what did you do to your bag?” Dongwoon asked as I stepped out of the room.

“What did I do?” I asked, looking at my bag.

“Why did you stick twigs and Christmas ornaments into it? You love this bag so much, don’t you?  The other time when I accidently dirtied the side, you yelled at me. Why did you do this then?” He asked, staring at my bag.

“I didn’t do it.” I said, adjusting the nose of the reindeer.

“Then? Who is so daring?” He asked.

“Just someone. Besides, it’s cute, isn’t it?” I said.

Dongwoon smiled awkwardly and walked off. He was right, if given someone else, the person would have his/her head separated from their body. But it’s Haneul who did it, she has special privileges, even if she cuts up my bag, I’ll still smile at her. But she doesn’t know.

Christmas is nearing, so we had a small performance for our fans. We were in the waiting room getting dressed and having our makeup done. I was done with mine, so I sat at the side, thinking about Haneul, as usual.

“Isn’t it stuffy inside? Sorry.” I said to the duck as I took it out from my bag.

“Hyung, who are you talking to?” Kikwang asked, looking surprised.

“Him.” I said, waving the duck to him.

“Why are you talking to a stuff toy?” He asked.

“Problem?” I said.

He nodded, but I ignored him.

I played with the toy while waiting for time to pass. The blood stain on its cheek stood out. It was kind of distracting, as thou he got slashed or something. Why didn’t Haneul wash it off?

“Noona, can I borrow this?” I asked the stylist Noona.

“Sure, but you don’t need blushers, you know?” She said.

“It’s not for me.” I smiled as I took it.

I dabbed a little of the powder onto my finger and applied it on the toy’s cheek. I continued dabbing its cheek with blusher until the blood stain was covered up. Although it was still visible, it seemed better than before. Now at least it just looked like it had makeup on, instead of slashed.

“Do you like it?” I asked, showing it its reflection.

I made him nod his head and I smiled to myself.

“Junhyung, you okay?” Doojoon asked.

“Cute isn’t it?” I smiled, showing him the toy.

He laughed and nodded.

“Where did you get this toy from?” He asked.

“I bought it.” I said.

“Well, I don’t know why you had to put blusher for it, but I think it’ll look better if both sides had it.” He said.

“You’re right.” I said.

“We have to go!” My Manager Hyung said.

“I’ll do it for you when I’m back.” I said, giving the toy a peck on his forehead.

I’m really becoming like Haneul. Is it because I am lonely? Is Haneul like this because she’s lonely too? But I am here for her, can’t she see?

Standing back on stage again reminded me of the day she didn’t appear. It’s like history repeating itself the fact she isn’t here again this time. She said she would come for my next performance, but she didn’t. Haneul, you are a liar, but I still like you.

We performed a few songs like Fiction, On Rainy Days, Shock, Beautiful and more before we did solos. We sat at the side while Yoseob sang his solo; ‘No’. Why do I feel as thou he is singing my life? Is it true that when you’re heartbroken, every damn sad song seems to be about you?

After saying that we will not work out
You turned away telling me that we needed to stop
My lips started to quiver and the tears I tried to hold back
In the end, it was harder for me to send you away

Haneul, until now, I’m still really confused as to why you said we would not work out? We didn’t even start, you didn’t even give me a chance to prove myself. How did you know it’ll fail? Why are you always closing up when I want to start something new with you? Do you really hate this place so much?

I couldn’t take it because it was so sad
I turned around reassuring myself it will be okay but

I told myself it was okay, you would come back, and you would give me a chance. But the truth is, I don’t know, I really don’t. Will you come back? Will you give me a chance? Haneul ah, I am scared. Where are you? Like you, I need assurance too. I miss you, where are you?

No, no more
I’m afraid to say these words
This is why I can’t see you
We can’t be together, we really can’t be together
I already know we aren’t supposed to love
But until now we loved, I loved you

I know I don’t deserve you. If you knew about me, you might leave. I know I shouldn’t even think about trying to get you. But Haneul, as I said, I couldn’t control myself from going head over heels for you. I love you, despite knowing I am different from others, despite knowing I am a freak, despite knowing I don’t deserve you, I still can’t stop myself from loving you.

I suddenly paused in the streets you and I used to walk together
The memories of us loving captivated me
The looks of your face that I erased faintly suddenly appeared in my mind
That’s why I stopped

I miss those times we had fun in the bookstore. Although the way I looked at you and the way you looked at me had total different meanings, I was contented. Despite loving you one-sidedly, I was contented. I had you by my side, it was enough. You made my dull day shine, you don’t know, don’t you? You make me so happy. Even if you throw stuff at me, you make me so happy.

I couldn’t take it because it was so sad
I turned around reassuring myself it will be okay but

Every night, I practically forced myself into the bookstore. I cannot take the loneliness, the quietness. Without you, the bookstore just feels.. Dead. But I still go, because I believe you would appear one day. Would you? Haneul ah, would you?

No, no more
I’m afraid to say these words
This is why I can’t see you
We can’t be together, we really can’t be together
I already know we aren’t supposed to love
But until now we loved, I loved you…

I know you were firm about being only friends. Although I never understood why. I’m sorry I broke my promise. But, you like me too, don’t you? I know you do. Then why are you holding back? Why are you scared? Or am I wrong? Do you really only take me as your friend? But it doesn’t seem like it. Your actions, your words; it doesn’t seem like it. Tell me, Haneul, tell me you love me, because I love you.

If I had said to myself that I shouldn’t send you away at that spot
If I had just turned around, grabbed you saying that I wasn’t okay with it
We could have really loved

Now I feel stupid. I should have hugged you tight that day. I know you would struggle, hit me and maybe even slash me with something sharp, but I should have hugged you tight that day. I shouldn’t even have let go. I should have made my point very clear. Maybe if I did, you would have listened, you would have soften up, then perhaps it would be ‘us’ instead of ‘me’ and ‘you’ now.

No, no more
I’m afraid to say these words
This is why I can’t see you
We can’t be together, we really can’t be together
I already know we aren’t supposed to love
But until now we loved, I loved you…

Haneul, trust me when I say I love you. I really do. It has only been you, all these while. Where are you? Come back to me, please. This sounds insane, but I miss your abusing and scolding. I really, really miss you. I don’t feel right without you. I need you, I really do. Although I know you can be good on your own, but I can’t, I need you. The duckie needs you too. Where are you?

“Hyung..” Dongwoon kicked my leg, snapping me out of my thoughts.

“What’s wrong?” He looked at me worriedly.

“Nothing.” I smiled.

We continued to perform a few more songs before thanking the crowd and leaving. As usual, I went to the bookstore, but I never went down to the basement. I sat at the corner, admiring the Christmas tree while putting on the blusher for the duck.

“Haneul will kill me if she sees this.” I laughed to myself as I dab more pink powder on his cheek.

“I really wish she is here to actually throw punches at me.” I said.

These days, I don’t even cry anymore. Everything is just funny. I don’t know why. Despite feeling like crap inside, my tears just wouldn’t flow. Is something wrong with me?

Haneul ah, you really know how to make me go crazy.