STORY INFORMATION:

Title: Running Girls

Author: Saranghaesnsd3

Main character(s): SNSD

Status: Chaptered, On-going

Genre: Yuri, Comedy

Description/Summary: It is a SNSD version of Running Man with the whole 9 of them as MC and for every episode, there will be guests coming or if not, SNSD will be forming groups to do the missions.

Reviewed by: CheyoCat

Date finished: July 16 2015

Title:

Note: I have actually never watched running man, (not even when EXO were on and I love EXO) So I don’t really know what to expect. I have heard of the show, but I’ve never watched it ahaha.

‘Running Girls’ is a very interesting title. Since the story is an appropriation of ‘Running Man’ I think that the title is a really smart. It’s short and simple and one of the thoughts that went through my head was, “What are they running from?” – Yeah, I was curious, to say the least : )

Good job on the title!

Appearance (Graphic/Poster):

The poster is really cute. And I like how SNSD are actually running from something – I also like the reflection in the floor for Hyoyeon and Seohyun, but why was this reflection not repeated for the rest of the members?

The background behind the members doesn’t take my eyes off of SNSD. Although I know the intention behind the brown lines to show dimension to the room, it’s a bit much. Since the ceiling is white, I think, in my opinion of course – It would have been more effective to use white to divide the walls.

But besides all of that, the poster is really pleasing to the eye. I think if you were to use a background that is the same pattern as the walls, it would tie the whole appearance of the story together.

Props to your graphics artist! They did great!!

Foreword/Description:

I had to re-read the description for your story a couple of times to try and make sense of it. I know what you were trying to say but the wording didn’t really make sense to me. A possible better way to re-write the description would be;

/Original:

The most funny variety show of variety show Running Girls is on now!

/Edited:

The funniest variety show ‘Running Girls’ is on now!

As you can see, in the edited version, the title is shorter but still has the same information that was being conveyed in the original.

I also put ‘Running Girls’ in both italics and quotations because it is the title of the show. In the original it was kind of just /there/ and there was no way of telling that it was the title of the show by capitals alone. By italicizing and quoting it, readers are able to distinguish the title of the show (and coincidentally the fic) from the rest of the sentence.

There is no forward present, although you did credit the designer. I think you should put a small forward, even if it is just one sentence. That way, readers would know what to expect. But that’s just me, of course.

Characterization:

You said that all of the SNSD members are close but not /close/ - that they just know each other. In chapter one, I was kind of just introduced to all of the characters without any prior information (besides those little character profile thingies). And to be honest, it was kind of overwhelming because there was so much information just /there/ and considering that SNSD has nine members, it was a lot to take in.

Also, what do SNSD /look/ like? Do they look like how they are in the poster? Or do they look different? Hair colour, eye colour, you should talk about this thing. Taeyeon and sunny are short right? But /how short/ are they compared to Sooyoung? You should help your audience visualise the characters. For example, if you wanted to talk about height you could say; ‘Taeyeon and Sunny were short, and everyone knew it. Sooyoung liked to tease them since the top of their heads didn’t even reach her shoulders and she had to look down at them in order to make eye contact.’  -  Of course, this is just an example, but you can see what I mean right? From what I wrote, can you visualise how short they are? Hopefully you can, because this information is helpful to readers especially when you compare height.

I think it would have helped if you included some more background information, or scenes of them in their normal jobs outside of the ‘Running Girls’ show. Maybe what dramas they act in, or if they’re a singer, some information about their performances and what concept they fit into whether it’s cute or y – something to make the characters /stand out/ you know?

Since there are /nine/ members, they should all have different personalities right? When I was reading, I couldn’t really tell whose personality was whose and they all kind of seemed the same.

What makes Taeyeon dorky? What makes Jessica cold? What were they like before they all met? You should think about questions like these when writing a story especially when trying to convey a personality.

I guess if someone is a really big SNSD fan, they would understand what the members’ personalities are like. I am not a really big fan, but I have read a couple of fanfics about them here and there and their personalities were shaped well by the flow and scenes of the story – and I feel that this aspect is lacking a bit in ‘Running Girls’. Personality is what makes up a character, so keep that in mind, okay?

Grammar and Spelling:

Okay, this section might be a little lengthy and I didn’t go through /everything/ but here are just some things that I wanted to point out. I’m sorry if some of this sounds a bit harsh, but hopefully you can see that I had good intentions.

Okidokey before I get started with the whole Grammar, spelling thing, let’s get some things out of the way. As a starter, I’d like to say that personally, I don’t enjoy stories that have the use of Korean in it, like ‘Umma’ ‘Appa’ ‘Oppa’ but personally I find ‘Hyung’ a bit forgivable (I read a lot of Exo fics you see – ofc). I think that it makes the story seem kind of childish and unless the story is /really/ good - I usually won’t bother. I know that there are other people like me out there who think that way, so I just thought that I would point it out. Just remember that this is my point of view and preferences.

Personally, I’m not one for putting Korean Romanization in stories. I know a fair bit of Korean so I can understand what is being said and even though things like “Annyeonghaseyo ___ imnida” Is pretty basic, I’m not sure if everyone on AFF knows.

There should be something to translate so that readers who don’t know Korean can understand what is being said.

/Original:

"Annyeonghaseyo, Taeyeon inmida." Taeyeon said and bowed towards the camera.

/Edited:

"Annyeonghaseyo, Taeyeon inmida." (Hello, my name is Taeyeon) Taeyeon said and bowed toward the camera.

 

Another example of this would be during chapter 2: “Sunny merong at them and see the guards take them away.”

Not everyone knows what ‘merong’ means and it could cause some confusion. You should just say, “Sunny poked her tongue out at them… them away”

 

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Not grammar/spelling related but this needs to be talked about before I go further into anything else;

I don’t really get what is happening with the members’ introduction with their roles and attributes in chapter 1. Like, why is it just /there/. I think rather than just putting it there, explaining it would be better.

/Original

"Annyeonghaseyo, Taeyeon inmida." Taeyeon said and bowed towards the camera.

Kim Taeyeon

-Singer

-dorky

-born in 1989

/Edited

“Annyeonghaseyo, Taeyeon imnida.” (Hello, my name is Taeyeon) Taeyeon said and bowed toward the camera. Kim Taeyeon is a singer who was born in 1989 who is well known for her dorky personality.

*Through the edit, I have applied the same information but just formatted it differently. I suggest that you do this for the rest of the members so that the story appears more like a story rather than a character profile.

 

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Not grammar/spelling related:

“currently those who have found the note book already: --- -Sunny (jumped 20 times before she could take the notebook at a shelf)”

*Instead of just listing what happened like that – It would be better to actually /describe/ what is going on. It’ll interest the readers more and keep them engaged. My eyes kinda just passed over this section instead of reading it.

 

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There were some grammatical errors that I have found that I thought I would correct. I know these mistakes were not intentional but I thought that I should point them out because I know I am the type of person to be put off by bad grammar and there are a lot of readers who do the same. Here are some examples that will hopefully help you understand what I mean;

**I have put the corresponding words in bold so you can see what I have changed.

 

/Original

"Quick find more sooyoung ah."

/Edited

“Quick! Find more, Sooyoung-ah.”

 

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/Original

“Borned in 1990.”

/Edited

“Born in 1990.”

*Although someone was born in the past, ‘Borned’ in isn’t grammatically and if you were to have a conversation with someone, I’m pretty sure they wouldn’t say “I was borned in.” Maybe a small child would, but not an adult.

 

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/Original

"Yah [s]ica you said you would collaborate with me for this new drama."

"I didn't say that,you made it up."

/Edited

"Yah [S]ica you said [that] you would collaborate with me for this new drama."

"I didn't say that, you made it up."

*Okay, so for the dialogue between the characters – I didn’t know who was talking. There should be some indication so readers know which character is saying what.

*It might also be helpful to mention the drama that ___ is acting in (Like I said, I didn’t know who was talking so I can’t mention their name).

*Also, don’t forget to capitalize names.

 

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