TITLE: In Your Safe Haven

AUTHOR: misslulufats

MAIN CHARACTERS: Luhan & Kris.

GENRE: angst, romance, fantasy.

SYNOPSIS: Yifan found an injured white horse in his barn.The next day, the horse was gone but he found a boy on the same spot. , scared and badly injured. That boy was Luhan.

REVIEWED BY:  deerlulu0420

 

 

Title

Your title fits your story really well and sets the mood for your story. However, it’s not entirely original or memorable. There’s nothing that really catches the reader’s attention, although the title is appealing in the sense that it gives a good idea as to what the story is about. Personally, the title is somewhat of a mouthful to say, but there’s nothing wrong with it.

 

 

 

Appearance (Graphics/Poster)

I really like your poster. The colors are pretty and it matches your story well. The quote is also well done, and I love how it’s placed between Kris and Luhan.

 

 

 

Foreword/Description

The description seems a little too abrupt. It gives a good introduction to your story and hints that there might be a reason why Yifan finds Luhan the way he does. I’d suggest, though, including some information that might suggest that Luhan is trying to run away from something or someone. Try to introduce a source of conflict that would hook your reader into the story.

 

The third line of your description is a fragment, which doesn’t fit with the flow of the rest of the description. Maybe try rewriting it like:

He was , scared, and badly injured.

There are a few other diction errors that I’ll address in the grammar and spelling section.

 

 

 

Characterization

Of all the characters, Yifan is the most fully developed, which makes sense because the story is told from his point of view. However, it feels like not all of the characters have been developed to their fullest potential.

For example, with Luhan, we don’t really get to know much about his past. Why does his father hate him so much? What is he? There are a lot of parts to his character that we don’t really get to see. I think this is because you skipped over a lot of what happens in the middle. While the middle is the least exciting part in terms of plot events, it’s very important for the readers to be able to connect with your characters. You didn’t fully show the extent of Luhan and Yifan’s romance, so even until the end of the story, I wasn’t as attached to Luhan as I could have been.

I understand that this is just a oneshot and it’s not very long. I like how you stuck to a few central characters and I really like how you explored Ying’s past as well, so she wasn’t neglected as a side character. Nonetheless, I feel that you could spend more time and details on Yifan and Luhan’s relationship, even if it’s just a single conversation that they have about their past. For example, this part:

Everyday we became closer and closer. Everyday I looked at him with adoration. I started to love him more every single day. Everytime I held his hand, I melted. Everytime I looked at him, I whispered the word 'beautiful'. Everytime I slept with him in the barn, I dreamed of him. Everytime I woke up, he was always the first to greet me with his most genuine smile.

 

I think it would have been more effective if you decided to fully describe one day when these actions occur, rather than giving it a general title and saying that it happens every day. By doing so, you could show how much Yifan treasures each time these things happen, even if it’s become somewhat of a routine.

 

 

 

Grammar and Spelling

Your English is pretty fluent, but there are times when certain phrases are a little awkward.

-Run-ons: Be careful that you correctly indicate pauses in your sentences. Furthermore, parts of a sentence that are not essential for its meaning should be offset by commas if necessary. For example, from your description:

            The next day, the horse was gone but he found a boy on the same spot.

 

This is a lot to read in one breath, so I’d suggest including a comma and rewriting it as: