TITLE: Boyfriend Contract

AUTHOR: Yoojibaek

GENRE: Romance, school life.

MAIN CHARACTERS: Byun Baekhyun (EXO) & OC.

SYNOPSIS: Jun Junghwa was sick with people in her place, especially school. They always glued to each other and did nothing but making out. For her, they just want to rubbed on her face that she's the only one who was single. It's pissing her off. Enter, Byun Baekhyun. He's the typical bad boy who unfortunately went to the same school and class as her and even sat besides her. Junghwa found him a bit ridiculous really, but then, she got a crazy idea about hiring him as her boyfriend - or in this case, pretend boyfried. And he, surprisingly enough, agreed. (With a few ground rules, of course) Junghwa knew that Baekhyun has something up on his sleeves, and she was determined to find out. But the next thing she knew was a chaos.

REVIEWED BY: deerlulu0420 

 

 

Title

Your title gives a good idea of what your story is going to be about, but it’s not very original. It also gives a little too much away. The fake boyfriend scenario is overdone, so there’s nothing particularly eye-catching in the title. I’d suggest coming up with something more creative to make your story stand out among all of the other fake dating fics out there.

 

 

Appearance (Graphics/Poster)

Honestly, your poster isn’t much of a poster. It’s just a picture of Baekhyun, and it doesn’t have the title of your story. While Baekhyun is one of the main characters in your story--and the picture does suit his character pretty well, since it makes the reader wonder if he’s hiding something--it would probably be better if you could get a real poster. There are many graphic shops on AFF that provide such services, so it could be something to look into.

 

 

Foreword/Description

The foreword gives a pretty good introduction of the story. However, there’s nothing that sets your story apart from other stories. As a whole, it sells your story short, since you fail to include some interesting information that you hint at in your chapters.

I feel like the description doesn’t introduce the story as well as it could have. For example, it doesn’t seem realistic for everyone in Junghwa’s school to be dating, and it doesn’t make sense for her to be so bothered by it. There are always going to be single people in the world, so why would it bother her to the point that she wants to find a fake boyfriend? Why would other people want to rub it in her face that they’re dating and she isn’t?

The last sentence of your description also doesn’t make much sense. It would probably be better to rewrite it as: But the next thing she knew, everything was chaotic.

Alternatively, you could just delete the sentence and end it with: Junghwa knew Baekhyun had something up his sleeve, and she was determined to find out what it was. (I rewrote parts of both sentences, indicated by the bolded sections.) This sentence is enough to make the readers curious about what Baekhyun is hiding.

There are also some grammatical errors in the foreword that I will discuss in the grammar and spelling section.

 

 

Characterization

There hasn’t been much room for character development yet, but I’ll discuss the characterization that is present in the chapters that you have.

Junghwa seems immature for her age. Why would she be bothered because she’s single? The way she speaks doesn’t seem realistic, and throwing ice cubes at Baekhyun is a bit extreme. If she can’t stand him, why would she ask him of all people to be her pretend boyfriend? There are so many other people in her school, like Jongdae.

The first few chapters seem to serve as an introduction, and while you have introduced the main characters, they weren’t introduced very well. As it is, many of them seem two-dimensional. However, this is something that you can fix as you continue your story. Try to develop your characters more in future chapters, especially Baekhyun since he’s one of the main characters. Your dialogue and narration are kind of weak, sometimes to the point that certain parts may sound unrealistic. Reading your chapters aloud can help you develop a better ear for dialogue. Overall, it’s important that your characters are realistic and relatable.

 

 

Grammar and Spelling

Your English is understandable, but there are frequently occurring errors that you should look out for. I won’t point out every error, but I’ll try to touch on the most obvious mistakes.

 

-Comma usage: This doesn’t happen often, but be careful that you use commas to properly indicate pauses in your writing. For example:

            Enter, Byun Baekhyun. (Foreword)

In this case, a comma separating Baekhyun’s name isn’t necessary, since it creates an awkward pause in the middle of your sentence.

 

Another example from chapter 2 would be:

            At least, it was ready to be used.

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