TITLE: Why, Lucifer, Of Course

AUTHOR: OpalGemstone

MAIN CHARACTERS: Kim Jongin (EXO), Lee Taemin (Shinee) & Do Kyungsoo (EXO).

GENRES: Psychology

SYNOPSIS: Kim Jongin is a psychopath, insane and rather proud of it. He’s been through twenty three therapists, and keeping count, and still no one has cured his sick mind from a sick obsession- no, love. Not just any love, a love for the Devil. Even if Jongin’s never seen Lucifer, if he’s never heard Lucifer, he knows that Lucifer is the one he’s meant to be with and they are bound by the soul (If Lucifer has one, of course). Now, he just needs to be patient for Lucifer. All he has to do is a wait a bit longer.

REVIEWED BY: deerlulu0420

 

 

Title

The title relates to your story, but there’s nothing that really stands out about it. I’m assuming that it’s still a working title, and it could be improved. I think it’d be interesting to use some sort of imagery as a title--something that would make the readers curious enough to click on the story. As it is, the tone of the title seems a little strong and arrogant, and the title doesn’t really catch my attention.

 

 

 

 

Appearance (Graphic/Poster)

You don’t have a graphic yet, which is fine, but it might be something to look into once you publish the story.

 

 

 

 

Foreword/Description

Once again, I don’t see either one of these things, but I’d suggest the same things I mentioned in the title section. It’s important to summarize the story in a few sentences that will definitely catch the reader’s attention. Try not to include too much background information to the point that it would be overwhelming, but tell the readers enough that it would make them curious to continue reading.

 

 

 

 

Characterization

From the start, the characters’ interaction seemed forced and somewhat all over the place. I couldn’t relate to Jongin at all, which could be a bad thing because he’s the main character. Even considering the theme of the story, it’s still important to look into the characters’ past. You kind of hint at Jongin’s past at times, like his conversation with the teacher and his mom, but you never explain why Jongin acts the way he does. I’d say that he doesn’t even seem human to me because there’s no humanity at all in his actions, to the point that it seems forced. It could be really helpful to explore his character more, look into his past, and find his motivations. It can make Jongin more relatable to the reader, which is important because the readers need to have a reason  to care about the character.

The other characters also seemed shallow in that respect. For example, Junmyeon clearly doesn’t care about Jongin’s well-being, but why is he in charge of mental patients when he doesn’t care for them? This could be simply because there’s not much background information given so far.

Taemin and D.O.’s characters also threw me off a little. Jongin’s realization that he was in love with Taemin was too sudden, and then you introduced D.O. at the very end without really showing his role in the story.

 

 

 

 

Grammar and Spelling

Your English is understandable and smooth, but there were a few mistakes that I found throughout the fic.

When a sentence of dialogue ends in a question mark or exclamation mark, but the sentence goes on to identify the speaker, the word immediately after the quotes is not capitalized.

For example:

“Jongin, I’m curious, what do you see in it?” He asked, “As a child, I used to look up at a ceiling just like this and make stories up from nothing.”

 

Rewriting the sentence above:

“Jongin, I’m curious, what do you see in it?” he asked. “As a child, I used to look up at a ceiling just like this and make stories up from nothing.”

 

I also replaced the comma after “he asked” with a period, since the two sentences of dialogue are separate. This mistake occurs a few times throughout your fic; you should place the comma before the closing punctuation marks if the sentence continues to identify the speaker rather than before the sentence of dialogue if the previous sentence does not identify the speaker.

For example:

Jongin’s head turned to the ther