STORY INFORMATION

 

Title: Broken Sun: Enchanted Love

Author: lsgrlr

Main characters: GOT7 Jackson, BTS Kim Namjoon, and EXO Kai.

Status: Chaptered, on-going.

Genre: Romance, angst.

Description/Summary: Namjoon struggles to choose between the person he loves and the person his soul is bonded to.

Reviewed by: B2utyful-Elf

Date finished: 18 March 2015.

 

 

STORY REVIEW

 

Title.

When I first read the title, I already thought it was a good title. Why? Because it’s something rare; it makes you curious about the story. It’s not too long, or too obvious; it’s also not too short, that it doesn’t sound interesting anymore (although there are one-word titles that are very good; ultimately, it depends on what word/s you choose). I wondered why the story was titled Broken Sun; I thought, that maybe it would have a supernatural element to it: like super powers, seeing as the title also included Enchanted Love. But after reading the story, I found out why it was titled that way, and needless to say, I loved it. You did very well! I never knew it was pertaining to a broken character (I won’t mention who, so I won’t spoil anyone who reads this review). So because of that, it added a lot more meaning behind the title.  My only advice (you may choose to take it or not) is to drop “Enchanted Love” from the title, since it doesn’t seem to have much relevance. Maybe, you meant it as “enchanted” because the protagonist was “soul-bound” to his destined mate? If that is so, then I guess it does have relevance. But I think, to use the word “enchanted” doesn’t totally fit—because the first thing I think of when I hear enchanted is magic, hahaha. I hope my advice was able to help somehow. 

Remember: you only need to follow what feels right to you. Anything I mention will only be suggestions. ^_^

 

 

Appearance (Graphic/Poster).

Your poster was fitting to your story, but I’m not sure if it was perfect. Actually, it’s a good poster. The characters were all correct, showing expressions that were neutral. The background colour of the poster was right, and the font used was also fitting. Jackson, being Namjoon’s Sun, was rightfully presented in a way as thought he was on fire. But here are the things that got me a little confused:

 

(1) Namjoon and Kai were both colored gray. A person may assume that both were Moons, but based on the story, Kai was one of Namjoon’s Suns (please correct me if I’m mistaken). So because of that, I was a little puzzled why they were colored that way. But then I considered the both of them being soul-bound—maybe that’s why they were colored the same way. So whatever the purpose was regarding the colors, I’m just letting you know that maybe some people will have the same confusion as me.

(2) About the circle behind Jackson, I couldn’t tell whether it was a sun or a moon. It was colored white, like a moon, but it was smoking, as thought like the flames of a sun. I would love to hear the explanation as to why it was presented that way.

(3) And finally, the quote on the poster: “Love is not a lie and when we break, it glues us back together again.” I thought that it was a beautiful quote, but I didn’t see which part of the story it was pertaining to. I thought it may have pertained to Jackson and Namjoon’s relationship, but I don’t remember any lying involved. Maybe it isn’t clear because it’s still quite early in the story? So, if you have the time, I would like to hear the explanation for this quote as well—just to clear up confusion.

Poster aside, your background design was good as well; the flames connected to the title of the story. But I also noticed that you put the quote in the background, but it isn’t seen because it is blocked. To fix that, you may want to edit the background, and put the quote to the left side of the picture, so it can be seen. 

 

 

Foreword/description.

It was interesting and it made me curious, especially the part where Namjoon fainted into the arms of his dream guy. I didn’t know why he fainted, and I wondered what made it happen. So that was a good way to pull the readers in. From the first description you provided, someone could get the idea of a “soul-mate” fanfiction wherein two beings are destined to be together because of a special bond. This was a good choice of genre, because soul-mate fics are really enticing to read; there’s always something interesting when the protagonist has to choose between his destined half and the one he loves. It makes you think “who will he choose?” More often than not, she/he ends up with the bonded mate; but hey, there’s always a chance that he/she doesn’t!

In the second description you gave, the one regarding Jackson and Namjoon, it seemed like their relationship wasn’t good—because Namjoon always had to look after Jackson, leaving him to wonder if anyone will take care of him. At this part, it only showed two people from the love triangle. I asked myself, was Jackson the other half or the loved one? I got the idea that Namjoon was the protagonist as he was the one suffering.

These are the implications I gathered from reading the description. I think it was good, because you gave a small sneak peak, and the descriptions stirred curiosity. Not everyone may find it alluring, because they might not like “soul-mate” themed fanfictions, but at least you know that you are able to attract readers who like that kind of genre. My only correction is this:

Original:

“His heart is beating erratically against his chest, and his vision is becoming blurry, and Namjoon wonders if he is awake or dreaming, then he hears a voice, one that he knows as well as his own, one that has been haunting him for the past four years.”

This is what we call a run-on sentence, meaning you rambled. Rambling is not formal, and is only used when the character is speaking in a conversation. It’s like three or more sentences were made into one really long sentence—as if you forgot where to put a period. To avoid rambling, please remember to place periods, commas and semi-colons properly when needed.

Corrected:

“His heart is beating erratically against his chest, and his vision is becoming blurry; Namjoon wonders if he is awake or dreaming. Then he hears a voice, one that he knows as well as his own; one that has been haunting him for the past four years.”

 

 

Characterization.

For now,