Title: Sweet Roses

Author: dreamshop

Main Characters: Chorong & Mark.

Genre: slight , slice of life.

Synopsis/Description: Chorong is a shy girl and Mark is a kinga in her school.

Reviewed by: Kalione

 

 

Title

I like the title but I don’t think it’s uncommon.

 

 

 

Foreword/Description

Even though this is scenario and even made for the sake of a shop there was no description or whatsoever but; you did something that I didn’t think is good: Scenerio: Chorong is a shy girl and Mark is a kinga in her school.

With this quote I already know what kind of story is it and taking into account I’m used to read about this kind of plot; well, this made me predict the entire storyline without even needing to read it.

To attract readers when you write one shot; a quote of another author or lyric from a song it’s the way to go. It will make me curious, but it won’t give away the entire plot.

 

 

 

 

Graphic/appearance (poster)

There was no poster only a photo of Chorong. I actually liked the detail of the falling cherry blossoms layout though.

 

 

 

 

Plot, originality & flow

Honestly, since this is supposed to be a scenario, I don’t know how to judge this. Basically it’s the story about a girl who fell in love with a popular guy; a prompt that is really common not only in AFF but also in movies, dramas, series and books.

First of all, I see some problems in punctuation that somehow affected the flow of the story- I will try to help you out with this when I speak of the grammar and spelling.

I have mixed feelings regarding this story. In one hand, characters archetypes do help you establishing a character but you have to give them flaws and quirks to make them more likeable and unique.

Mark only appeared as the popular guy and frankly he was a mystery to me. Yea, Chorong loved him supposedly, but it was more like she loved an image of him and because of that I couldn’t have a grasp on how he was like or thinking.

In another hand, rather than saying that Chorong was a shy girl, she was just a normal girl. Because there were no scenes that proved that she was introverted and shy, her reactions and behavior were more akin to… well! To an average girl! The scene where she rides a bike with Mark and keeps blushing doesn’t count! After all, most teenage girls would act shy around their crush!

My point is to prove that your character possesses a certain personality trait - is shy, introvert, clear-headed, compassionate and so on – telling is not enough.  You have to show; show subtly by creating a scene where this personality trait will become more apparent to the reader; thus making your character more relatable.

The last scene, I’ve got to say that it was beautiful written and even caught me by surprise! Honestly, when I saw Scenerio: Chorong is a shy girl and Mark is a kinga in her school, I had some misgivings and thought that it would be another story about a sweet shy girl who will be the love interest of the popular guy.

Not that there was some event in the scene or something shocking about the plot, however I have to commend you for the intelligent way you wrote. Picking a rose to have a symbolic meaning to the couple was ingenious!

But, because your storyline is so overused I can’t say that I liked. I think it’s just a question of personal taste, and frankly this is not my cup of tea. 

 

 

 

 

Grammar and spelling

Because it’s not lengthy I took the liberty to fix some things but, I advise you to find a legitimate beta reader to help you out.

Scenerio: Choron