TITLE: Crystal Tears

AUTHOR: chocobanana

MAIN CHARACTERS: Suho, Kai, & EXO.

GENRES: Romance, School life, slight angst

SYNOPSIS: When you're born with crystal blue eyes, people often envy you. In a country where everyone has dark eyes, it can make you an outsider. But sometimes only one person needs to see the true beauty. Joonmyun is an 18 year old boy in his last year of high school. He's class president, one of the most popular guys in school with good grades, lots of friends and a pretty girlfriend. There was nothing more he could wish for. But lately, he keeps on dreaming about a little boy with blue eyes as he plays with him in kindergarten. Was it real or was it just his imagination?

REVIEWED BY: deerlulu0420

 

 

Title

The title introduces your story pretty well, since it brings to mind a beautiful but fragile image, tying in with the bullying scene near the beginning of the fic. It gives a good idea of the whole story. However, it’s not entirely original or memorable, and it doesn’t really stand out. While the title is short, there’s nothing that really grabs my attention.

 

 

 

 

Appearance (Graphics/Poster)

I like your poster, especially the color theme. It fits the story really well, and it relates back to your story. It’s really pretty and eye-catching.

 

 

 

 

Description/Foreword

The description does a good job of introducing the story while holding back enough information to make the reader want to continue reading. The part in italics is really interesting. However, you could make the description shorter by cutting down on the excessive information. For example, you have this sentence in your description:

            He’s class president, one of the most popular guys in school with good grades, lots of friends and a pretty girlfriend.

 

It’s not necessary to tell the readers this information right from the start. In the description, you only need to include the hook that draws the readers in and enough background information for it to make sense. The sentence above could be introduced later in the story, and maybe even told in a way that makes it more interesting rather than flat out telling the readers this information. As it is, the sentence is awkward and unnecessary.

 

This sentence is also awkward:

            But lately, he keeps on dreaming about a little boy with blue eyes as he plays with him in kindergarten.

 

I’d suggest rewriting it as:

            But lately, he keeps on dreaming about playing with a little boy with blue eyes.

 

The rhetorical question also seems like an awkward way to end the description. Why should the readers care whether or not it was his imagination? Maybe you could end it saying that he meets a boy with blue eyes later on. There are other grammatical errors in the description that I’ll address later on.

 

 

 

 

Characterization

Your characters are somewhat awkward and stiff, especially Junmyeon. Try to develop them more, and don’t skim over important details. For example, when Junmyeon persuades Jongin to go to his party in chapter 5, show some dialogue, and maybe even show how Jongin has changed. As it is, you don’t give the readers good reasons why Jongin chose to go the party, making the decision seem unusual. It would also be good to show how Junmyeon is slowly bringing Jongin out of his shell and encouraging him to meet other people.

Junmyeon seems a little sudden sometimes. He’s unusually persistent about wanting to know more about Jongin, even the private information that people wouldn’t usually share with someone they just met. He’s also incredibly sure that Yixing is the blue eyed boy he’d been dreaming about, even though he still seems to doubt that the boy even exists. It’s weird that Yixing would be the one to give Junmyeon his phone number when Junmyeon only said that he reminded him of someone he’d met before. Why would he be so willing to give his phone number to a stranger when they haven’t even had a proper conversation yet? He’s assuming that Junmyeon wants to get to know him when Junmyeon only asked him if he lives in Korea. Their conversation just sounded too stiff to me. I’d suggest making it a little longer, so that if they do exchange phone numbers, it seems more natural rather than forced.

Of all the side characters, Taeyeon is the most overlooked. I think it’s because she’s not essential to the story right now, and Junmyeon will break up with her soon, as he’s already losing interest in her. She will probab